Monday, February 25, 2013

Totally Insane on Monday - The wheels in my brain go round....

It seems as if nothing feel "right" or seems right with me anymore. I have been dealing with this ridiculous and serve odd pain in my legs, lower back, feet, etc for weeks and weeks. Nothing, and I mean nothing has seemed to completely relieve it. We have put doctors heads together, our heads together. researched everything we can find, even completely emptied the pain pump a week ago last Friday, refilled it, and I had absolutely no change for days. I have been on strong oral pain meds to go along with the pump, that "appears" in itself to be working. That does NOT mean that there is not an issue with the catheter portion being pulled out of my spine, or kinked in some way, causing issues, but as far as the "mechanical" workings of the pump, it seems to be okay. I have now been to my pain specialists, my PCP twice, my Rheumatologist, along with also emailing him (by the way I got an absolutely awesome email back from him on Saturday am that make my weekend, after having such a heck of a time with the PA that is there in his office). I have been taking BC powder every time I can and probably more than I should. using the pain meds every time I can have another one, have Voltaren cream I can rub on my legs, which is a kind of NSAID but for the outside on the skin rather than taking it orally. I have tried warm water, standing on them, staying off of them, praying, lots of praying, and to no avail. I have already had a CT scan, and do not know the results yet. I HOPE to finally hear today, since it has been almost a week. Yet, I began to notice yesterday that it seemed there was a possibility the pain was not quite as bad. Now what I feel is more of a weakness, especially in the right leg. Once I stand on them for just a minute or so, my legs feel as if they may come out from under me. I felt several "odd" things yesterday, like rather than my legs hurting a badly, my arms, both of them from my elbows down hurt down to my wrists and fingers almost like my legs have been doing.  I seemed to have the "chills" off and on all day yesterday, but did not run a fever as far as I could tell. But, I am extremely fatigued again. That bone tired stuff I had when all of this began WEEKS AND WEEKS ago! My body just does not feel "right". Something feels "off" but I can't put my finger on what that is. I just cannot concentrate, I have absolutely no energy to do anything, and I've literally had to make myself do anything. Just before all of this began, my "New Years" list was full, and I was so looking forward to getting some of those things accomplished. Now, I feel if I have gotten off the sofa, took out the trash, made the bed, make myself do my exercises, and from there trying to keep the laundry done, groceries bought, and all of the other chores done, seem so monumentally huge,   it is difficult to think about them. I fear something bad is wrong, but then I fear they will not find anything which almost be worse that finding something to explain all that is going on. I feel on some days as if I am just going crazy. I have wanted to get this 2nd book ready to be published in May, but my motivation is all but gone lately. I have so much I wanted to accomplish, but as of now, all of that seems like a dream that is fading. Each way I turn, every time I face pn way, it seems their seems to be a stranger facing back at me. There seems to be a "red sign" flashing, telling me to turn around and try a different direction. Each one seems to be more confusing than the next. I woke up so totally exhausted this morning, yet I have to go with my Mom and find out about her echo-cardiogram. It seems there might be a little issue with a valve, which can be quite common with many people, especially as we age, some of those valves tend to allow it not to close and blood backs up the opposite way, which can cause some issues, or none depending on which it is, how much it does not close and so forth. But, I am sure whatever it is sounds minor, and there maybe nothing they do but keep an eye on it. I happen to have one also, and we just watch it, but really for now I am not to be overly concerned. I just know my Mom and since they called to tell her that Friday (I have got to have them call me for that kind of stuff, she does not understand, and she panics). So, I had talk to her on Friday evening, and explain, they just do that. Whenever tests come in, my cardiologist, whether normal tests , etc, she calls right away with answers, even if she is seeing you the next day. That is just how her routine is, which is a good thing. Rather than most of mine that don't let you know and you have to keep calling to find out what the heck is going on. Alas, I have LOTS of STUFF rolling around in my head this morning, and I feel totally torn down from all of the faith I usually have in life and things around me. So, if I seem "off" I probably am... guess I could blame it on being a Monday.... Rhia                                                           
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