"Unwell" ... and if you stay long enough, you shall find and see a very different side of me...




....Right Now I know I am a bit IMPAIRED....


cont. from FB post.


...    for me it is worth mentioning. I became a HUGE" Matchbox 20 “  fan when I was living in Seattle. I had bought their first two CD’s(and yes then CD’s were still a huge market) LOL! Both of them really had some songs on their that “not only touched me back then” BUT it was as if every word they had written, sang, and played music to spoke to this very inner core of my being. I recall walking on Alki (West Seattle looking over the Sound back to the City) Beach, and I played those two CD’s and could walk for hours. There is something un EVERY song, that Rod Thomas sings that just expresses (even now and especially back then) in which sounded like many of my poems and short prose. My live at that time was such an incredibly  wondrous, almost esoteric tempo to it, thus something about most of those lyrics, just reached out and “grabbed” me. Anyone that is a Matchbox Twenty fan, knows the song, “Unwell”. It seemed to be the “theme” of my life at that time! Now, I’m not saying “illness” as far as being physically sick, I really was not “mentally” or “emotionally” challenged either. Yet, for some of those looking outside to within me, may have thought to themselves, she seems a little “Unwell”! The fact was those years in Seattle, especially the last three, were the years that taught me SO MUCH in regards to my strength in all ways, my courage to venture out, to a HUGE city, thousands of miles from any family, or anyone I really “knew” that well; in more ways than I can count, I felt each day, I was “Less” “UNWELL”. Not only all of the above, but I rented my own apartment all by myself (may sound silly to some but for me it was a first; I bought my “own” first “very good” used Honda & knew without any help I could pay my car payment, living expenses, and so on all by myself. I “gained” an independence in my those years more than any other in a lifetime! I interviewed all through the downtown part of the city (LOL! anyone who knows Seattle, knows it has some HUGE hills to go up and down in with very busy city traffic), and in fact had taken two previous jobs I had loved being an apartment manager at both! This new one was at a banking institute and at that time it was MEGA busy due to ALL the interest rates, and the “Fannie May” and all of that boon at that time. I got hired on to help be the assistant to the lady that did all of the last paperwork for home loans. I had to know everything from what a Title Policy needed and looked for, the note, the deed of trust, insurance, flood insurance, all of the truth in lending information….. I was responsible for making sure we had ALL of that paperwork and it was correct before they could “close” on the home loan. We also “sold” off “blocks” of them. Of course that was to have more funds that would ultimately turn into more blocks of loans that were sold off also. You get the picture. My salary was MORE money that I had ever made at any job in my life! Now even though was was a fact, I still had those rent, car and living expenses to think about. But I had figured all of that out and knew I would be fine. :) I got insurance coverage, I kind of worked my “own” hours. I was a morning person. So, I would come in at 7 am, way before any of the rest of them showed up. My direct boss, bless her heart had a young son, she was single, or about to be, and she usually showed up about 9:45 or so. LOL!! That mattered not, because as soon as 8 hours rolled around, I could leave. So, I went home early most days also. )BY THE WAY this is PRE AUTOIMMUNE ILLNESSES DIAGNOSIS) days… I did suffer from severe migraines, did all my life, and they put me down at least 2 days when I had one. Anyway, dream life for me… not rich by no means at all. But, I saved a bit here and there and would buy a new outfit, or treat myself to something like a little TV I bought for my apartment back then, etc. Anyway, I am sure many people that “knew” me then, often wondered if I didn’t have a “screw or two loose”, or was missing a few cards from the deck, a brick or two out of the wall etc… because I was “eccentric”. I “danced” life to my own tunes playing in my head. I wrote more poetry and short prose there than ever. I didn’t have “friends” per se, other than some online that we had known one another for a long time. I dressed as I wanted (at that time I only weighed like 118 pounds and had a waistline that was tiny like Dolly Parton’s… BUT not the “TOP” of the hour glass like she did” HAHAHA!!… I loved clothes and shoes… yet with it just me, and my bills, I bargain hunted on the weekends at the Mall nearby, and bought one thing etc… as I could afford it. Yet, even though I felt “business” dressed, and I was… I honestly believe the supervisor OVER my own supervisor was quite jealous! Never did figure that one out… the ONLY thing I DID figure out is that she was a “backstabbing, manipulating, ladder climbing, crush the persons under you, and a plain “witch” of a boss and a woman. Okay, now to pull all of this “insanity” together… Hey good word for this “insanity” …….LOL!!! That song by Rob Thomas” “ Unwell” was the theme of my life… I even would quote some of it at times when it was appropriate, “Oh, no, I not crazy, I’m just a little “Unwell”… and if you stay you will see a different side of me”. I still “dance to my own “weird” tune inside my head”…. I am NOT one to “go along” with the crowds, and I REFUSE to HURT< BACKSTAB, MANIPULATE …. and all of those other “nasty words” to ANYONE! I am NOT a Ladder climber! And if I did NOT get the “promotion” or raise for some reason, as far as I was concerned, then I needed to do a “better” job… and those things like more money, a further up position, more responsibility… all would come in good time. I remain the same. I will “take up” for the guy or gal being stomped on, I think that is why I just about HATE politics, I am NOT a “used car sale man” (even hough I did do that for a few months in my twenties), … you get the picture… if MY OWN SKILLS, personality, aura, …. does not put me in that place, then I need to “turn my sails” a different direction and get with the winds of change that shall make my sail into my own smooth river happen. There are so many days, that I say just this… I’m not Crazy, I’m just a little Unwell, and if you will stay long enough, you shall see a different side of me…. and it is very true… even here in Facebook, a few of those who have gotten to really “know” ME, not just the illnesses me, etc… but this complex, but simple, conundrum, and dichotomy that makes up the wholeness that I am… of course the “autoimmune illnesses” and age have “changed” me in many ways… yet that creative, tend to flow on a different rivers path “me” is still very much alive and “Well”!!!!  “She” does not show up as much as far as to others outside my very personal life very much, yet, if you “stay” a while… you shall see that “different side” of me… … And to “honor” that song… Here are the lyrics… and they just tell a story that was a piece of my lifetime….

 "UnWell" 

           Lyrics  written by Rob Thomas off of Matchbox Twenty 
"More Than You Think You Are CD"


All day staring at the ceiling


Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something



Hold on

Feeling like Im headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why



[chorus]



But Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

Im not crazy, Im just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me




Im talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

And I know, I know they've all been talking about me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow Ive lost my mind




[chorus]




But Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

Im not crazy, Im just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be




Ive been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they'll come to get me

Yeah, they're taking me away




[chorus]




But Im not crazy, Im just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

Im not crazy, Im just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be




Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, Im just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be
Im just a little unwell
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