Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guilt. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Dealing with Daily "Issues" that for those who are NOT ILL, can deal with them fine! Take someone with RA, Lupus, Joint Issues and they are Major problems! Here is my Story!

I would have to write a BOOK to tell all I've been through this past few days. First of all, my pup, Bub's who is highly allergic to any type of "bite"... was clawing and scratching himself yet I could NOT find one flea, have not seen a flea, and had been driving myself crazy. He has always had skin issues, especially being hyper-sensetive and itching... and he was whining, crawling up in my lap, and even when I asked him"Bub's are you itchy?" - he would head for the kitchen so I would give him a Benadryl. Anyway, I FINALLY got him where I could really take a good look on Friday, and found a bit of "flea dirt' (which honestly I had not known about) on his bottom...where I knew any flea loves to hide... yet still NO flea's! 

So, I sprayed him, sprayed the other one down Peanut, then salted and and put the washing type of Borax own my rugs, and let that sit. That was after spraying the outside of the house, getting more granules and broadcasting them in the back, front and everywhere I could outside. I sprayed down everything in the house with "Flea Enforcer" which a few years ago, worked like a charm, and you can spray it on even your bed, pillows, sofa etc.... so, I got some of that done, had to leave the salt and Borax to sit for awhile, and went to run errands. I was SUPPOSED TO LEAVE YESTERDAY FOR THE CASINO! 

So, I as "trying" to get ready for that. I had a million things to do, in the yard, in the house, running errands (this was Saturday) and my "light" to tell me my tires were "under inflated" came on. It does that when the weather changes from hot to cooler, but I checked them and they needed air. But, it was already late in the afternoon, I was exhausted, needed to get home to vacuum up that stuff, pack my clothes, so I decided to wait and I would air up the tires Sunday afternoon. So, I get up Sunday, preparing my meds, my clothes, deciding what to wear, and also when to leave to try and "avoid" some of the rush hour traffic Monday morning in Dallas, headed to Winstar. So, I go and get me some quarters (now it is like 1.00 OR MORE for air) and I went to air them where I always do... downtown, at the station across the street fro the automated car wash. Theirs is on the side, and not a lot of traffic etc... so I can park where I can be as up close as I can be... So I get all of them stem covers off, get my quarters ready, and get the line ready to pull, and it comes on, and I TRIED AND TRIED AND TRIED, but my arms and especially HANDS are so stiff, swollen, and I guess weak from the RA and all the trouble I've been having -

 I TRIED THREE TIMES (3.00) and I STILL DID NOT GET THOSE TIRES AIRED UP! By then I was upset, hurting worse than ever, pissed, off (AND THIS GUY CIRCLED THE STATION 4 TIMES, WATCHING ME, YET NEVER OFFERED ANY HELP! THE FREAKING JERK!) Well, It is Sunday, I have no clue where to go to have anyone put air in the tires, and hell now you cannot get anyone to do it, even when I had my oil changed, I was pissed because i ASKED HIM TO AIR THEM UP, MY LIGHT WAS ON BACK THEN) I GET IN THE Car and the LIGHT IS ON, HE NEVER put the right amount of air in them, they take 35PSI IN THE FRONT AND 233 PSI IN THE BACK! I know I've done it myself and hell been doing my own tire airing up for YEARS AND YEARS! Yet, I just could not pull that damned line, hold it up to the stem tightly enough, and the push the nozzle to let the air in.... my hands, wrists, even neck and shoulders just could not let me! SO, I GO HOME IN TEARS, JUST SOBBING.... mad, and so upset, because I would NOT drive the car to Winstar without the tires aired up correctly. I wanted to leave EARLY Monday morning about 6AM or so, so I was NOT going to find anyone to help me and besides by then I did not want to hassle with the entire ordeal. SO, I wound up COMING HOME, CALLING AND CANCELING MY RESERVATION AGAIN!

 I GOT HOME DID THE vacuuming, this was already 5PM or after by the time I finished all of that, and made me and the pups some dinner, and watched a movie. So, that meant NO TRIP again... I've NOT BEEN OUT OF ENNIS SINCE BEFORE MY MOM GOT SICK IN JANUARY! I've not had ONE break, all I have done, is do paperwork (which is still not finished) paint, clean, cut down tree limbs, spend BUCKS to get rid of bees, get stung by those damned wasps, and do any and everything else, but I STILL HAVE NOT HAD EVEN ONE DAMNED AFTERNOON OF A BREAK! MY NECK IS BAD! I need surgery and now, after hurting my lower back again the time Mom got home from the hospital my lower back is always killing me... 

YES, I GO AHEAD AND CUT TREE LIMBS, AND DO EVERYTHING ELSE, HURTING OR NOT, BECAUSE HOW THE HELL DOES IT GET DONE, IF I DON'T DO IT???? If I allowed myself, I would sit on that sofa, and let myself "wallow" in all of the pain, the upset feelings, the hurt, the guilt, and the MAD PLACE THAT I AM over what I TOLD MY MOM SHE WOULD CAUSE, BEFORE SHE PASSED AWAY! NOW she is GONE, AND GUESS WHAT??? Exactly WHAT I TRIED TO WARN HER ABOUT IS HAPPENING! IT IS DAMNED IF I DO, AND DAMNED IF I DON'T.... I am too tired, hurting too badly, and need a freaking moment that I do not have to DEAL WITH CRAP! So, that is why I've not been "online".... I've not felt like it and not only that I HAVE NOT HAD EVEN A MOMENT TO BREATHE... I HAD TO GO, BUY A 12 VOLT Portable Air "compressor".... it runs off of your car, and I bought that yesterday when I found it in Wal-Mart. 

Although I still had to mess with it, and dammit, I know better, I've got to go and buy some stem covers, I always wind up dropping them... BUT I GOT MY TIRES AIRED UP CORRECTLY YESTERDAY AFTERNOON AND THE LIGHT IS NOW OFF! Plus NO MORE do I have to worry about pulling on a damned air hose, I can air my tires up anywhere.... It is small and fits right into my hatchback, with my car cleaning stuff... so PROBLEM SOLVED FINALLY!