Easter Blessings, News on A Medical Center Specializing in Chronic Illness, and More...

Lots of bits of great information today! First of all, wishing everyone a Blessed Easter! Whatever your beliefs may be, is not the main issue... the main thing is we all would love to have peace... of heart, of mind, of body and soul. So, I wish everyone a day full of peace, of joy, of family and friends, laughter of children looking for those hidden eggs, and all that today means for you and yours.

I had seen the the "mini-series" "The Bible" is on the Discovery Channel, and thought I missed it. IT appears to really be a great movie, however your beliefs stand, I was really intrigued by the small bits I saw advertised. Enough that I went and found I could down load it all today. There are about 5 different two hour shows to it, so it will be one to watch over days to come for sure. Just a quick thought in case anyone is interested.

Now for other things. I was reading the news this morning, and found out about a new clinic in Scottsdale AZ, who specialize in treatment of chronic illnesses, such as Lupus, FN,, CFS, Chronic Lyme Disease, and also Cancers. They seem to have a totally different view of these illnesses, believing of course, that Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are very REAL! That is not just some "made up" thing to use when doctors have problems figuring out difficult illnesses such as these, or the ones that think women are "depressed, hypochondriacs, nut cases" of whatever. They seem to belief all of these stem from a particular virus, (which I have thought for a very long time that FM, CFS are some how related to Lupus, RA, and all of the other autoimmune illnesses) and that it is these viruses that need to be treated, because they are at the core of why these illnesses come on. As often said, you may carry this around for many years, then a traumatic event, a wreck, an accident, a loss of family, even a stress such as a wedding, etc.. maybe something as benign as having a tooth pulled sets these viruses suddenly in motion, and thus we come down with these life-altering chronic diseases that can just totally ruin our lives in so many ways.

Here is the URL:  http://www.envita.com/

I hope you will check it out. I was truly bowled over with some things I read there. They do make sense in many ways, plus they treat the "entire person" and not just pushing some pills down your throat.

Also, horrific news in a neighboring country Kaufman County TX. They found their District Attorney and his wife shot to death yesterday in their home. They feel this is connected to the murder just aouple of months ago of one of their Assistant DA's. It happened on a work morning around 9am, right in front of the court house. Someone shot him in the middle of the day and got away. I even read that the gentleman in CO, (an official) opened his front door and someone also shot him standing in his front door at his home. They talked as if they suspected the three slayings may all be some how related. I know it rattled me. What a horrible situation.

We are already battling I am sure with the notion of a nuclear situation with the idiot over in N. Korea. It is difficult to fathom that one young man could have that much power over a country of people. I was reading this morning about how he does not even allow them internet, and they sure never get the truth about America and our people. Those people over their think we are horrible, and that we live entirely different than what we do. It was just ridiculous the things I read that they are told there. When you read a headline that says something like "N. Korea's Ominous Bluster" you can't help me be frightened that his insane actions could lead him into making one mis-step are all out nuclear war begins. I know we don't like to think about it, but how can you not when you hear what is happening over there. Things are almost a nightmare in our own country, and some of what is going on, but that over there and those threats are nothing to sit around and laugh about I don't think.

I had talked about my latest venture in making a new quilt. I have had the "fat quarters" of material now for a while. I bought them at a huge discount a while back, knowing they should come out making a Queen Sized Quilt. I already have a backing material, thus other than having to possibly purchase more battling, I don't like much putting it together. I have not been able to get to working on it over the past months due to my own surgeries, illnesses, and everything else in life that goes on. Thus after being able to have a break from feeling so rotten, I got out the sewing machine, and all of those pieces of material, and put a quilt top together over the past couple of days. LOL, I have to laugh at myself though. I was going to make it "plain" for the most part. The material is all different colors, thus it is a patchwork of color for sure. And I was just going to put it together like it is, with some material I have had for a while as the backing, that is kind of a patterned very light peach and white, with the batting in between, and sew in the seams to "quilt" it down. Then yesterday, I got out a couple of the books I bought about quilting and then got to thinking about doing an applique or doing some other type of stitching into it, etc! I don't want to get too carried away with the "fancy" things, because then I will get disgusted with it, and not get it completed. So, after getting the whole thing sewn together, it dawned on me, if I were wanting to do something special on the individual squares, like an applique, I should have done that BEFORE SEWING the entire thing as a top!!! LOL, now if I decide to do something so technical, that means having to have the entire heavy quilt top at the machine all at once. Which is fine, and I may not do that particular thing anyway. But, it just goes to show I am out of practice unlrss I a hemming pants, or doing something simple. Hell, I got confused in putting the thread into the machine correctly, and had to get my book out to make sure I was doing the right. It had a "self"threading device on it to thread the needle, and I have still not figured that out even with the book! It just does not make sense to me the way the directions say. So, as usual, I thread it by hand... easier and much less stressful! :) So, there are my bits and pieces of things for the weekend.

I am not sure if I mentioned here that my Mom's 2nd round of tests on her heart were much, much better! IN fact, so much better, that she does NOT face further testing or surgery for now! Just the same routine of medication and watching very closely her sodium intake. That made us extremely happy last Tuesday! We were all truly blessed and relieved to have the good news on that one.

Still waiting on the "thunderstorms", that so far have not been here. Ah, but it is TX! So, one moment the sun is shining and the next it is black as coal dust and ready to blow you away....

May you enjoy your Easter Day, Rhia



As I wrote this yesterday, I had forgotten to add that Eater Sunday was the day my Dad passed away in 2005. It seems impossible it has been 8 years! There are times it feels like forever and then other times it feels like it was just yesterday. Honestly, as much as I still miss him everyday, he is much better there than here. My Dad would not be able to handle all of the tremendous changes in our world today. He had a large enough issue with the changes about the last 15 years of his life. He was so used to a "small town", with a very small town attitude, that he found it hard to accept some things that the world brought in so quickly. Things like a cellphone, even a cordless phone, he just did not understand it. Heck for years he was "leasing" a phone from AT & T and they were charging Mom monthly for that until I had it fixed! He came from a time, during the Great Depression, that there were no televisions, only radio's, there were no cars when he was very small, a school was a one room building where all grades First through Senior were in the same room. He was Valedictorian of his graduating class. He was not really able to accept why I would go to college, and even though he could see why I needed to work, he felt a woman should really be at home, and the man be the main money maker, just as it was with him and Mom. A Computer??? Forget it! No way he would fathom that. He was more of a stickler for the "old ways". Even though some of that changed as he saw the world change, he really never was able to accept most of it. Anyway, if he were here now, and saw all of the horrid things that are happening daily in our nation and around the globe, even the "good" things like technology, it would just be something he could not accept. As things go, I guess we shall all be that way in one realm or other. So much changes so quickly. We have news and information, of the latest at our fingertips. When you think about what changes have happened over the past 50 years it is mind boggling.  Anyway, I felt I needed to add this since it was the Easter part of the day he passed away. 

The Merri-Go-Round of Insanity with Doctors & Pharmacists!

IT is all like insanity! Some of the things we go through people just don't believe! For instance, I had a prescription I have been taking for years. (My generic diazepam). Every month they have to as the doctor for an okay on the refill. Every month for 5 or more years he okays it, they fill it, and no problem. Week before last on Friday, I cld and put in for a refill. I went in on Sunday and it was not there yet. Well I had forgotten he was on vacation, thus probably the delay. So, Monday evening I go in, still nothing. Then the pharmacist (some new jerk that I can't understand) told me there was NEVER a call for it! Well, I knew that was bull because they had already filled my other script, the muscle relaxer, which he does the same thing approves it monthly at the SAME TIME AS THE DIAZEPAM! So, I call the doctor, They say they sent the script ON FRIDAY! But, they "resent" it. I went through that same thing 3 MORE TIMES! Then it dawned on me, they sent the damned thing to "WAL" MART not Wal Greens! So, I call and someone named "Kelly" at Wally World told me "YES" they had it and they were filling it. She asked me if I still wanted it filled, and I said YES! I was not going through another battle to get it, so I would pick it up the next day! I get there, and they proceed to tell me there is NO script for me!!!!!! One of the girls stepped up as I argued and told what my story was, and she said "well I think I recall m PCP's office calling and "cancelling" it out"!! Well that was a lie, because I was told it was already in the system, being filled, yet she says there is NOTHING IN THE SYSTEM! Well, if they called and it had already been in the computer, the script would show it was there and was cancelled by the doctor. So, I am pissed by now. I called the doctors office, in Wal Mart, and I ask for the nurse. I told her I even told them there at their office to MAKE SURE it was going to WAL GREENS! not Wal Mart. She swore they had sent it to Wal Greens 4 times! In the mean time, I finish shopping, go home and call Wal Greens. Not only did he have it he already filled it!!! AFter I had to have the nurse CALL it in verbally! All 3 of them were lying. No one had done their job right, and I knew it. And then people wonder why we go crazy!!!!!! Hell who wouldn't. When you are ill, in pain, trying to take care of a home, family, a Mom, and everything else, doctors visits etc... then you have to jump through those kinds of hoops for one script, heck it would make Jesus Nuts!!!!! So, when you have to do what you are doing, having to GO BACK due to their incompetence, it is just nine kinds of WRONG!!! Jim read an article about a woman who now charges her doctors for HER TIME if they run late on her appointments. IF she has to sit there more than 10 minutes for a "scheduled" appointment, she send them a bill for every moment of her time spent waiting for the doctor! She sent all of her doctors a formal letter telling them what she was going to do, explaining "her" time was just as important as theirs and they would charge her if she was late or did not show, thus she would do the same! She sent one of her doctors a bill, when she had to wait something like 2 hours (happens to me all the time) over her appointment time, and they PAID IT! That is what all of us need to do. We have to stand up for our rights. Another thing that irks me. I needed a very simple form with two of my "diagnosis" codes on it (I had everything else filled in but that) and my doctors signature. I needed it by 4/1, well before that because I had to either fax or mail it! I took the form in last Tuesday early am. I had a note on it, and told the girls my situation. They totally ignored me. I sent two emails to my doctors nurse, asking her to please check on it. No response. I cld. Thursday evening, and one of them was so rude on the phone. She said "well he fills those out late evenings, or at the end of the week" Well guess what, yesterday was the "end of the week" and they close at noon, and I have NO PAPER! (It is a form I need to send in about my disability). You know how the government is, even State, if they want something and you do not get it there by the deadline, they will cancel everything and make you start all over again! I realize I am not the ONLY patient, but heck, he does all kinds of other crap, he had time to tell his nurse to fill in those codes (hell I know them myself) and then he sign it, or they "rubber stamp" it half the time with his signature! But they DO NOT CARE! We are not as important. We are how they get paid, but it does not matter if they mess up our lives, and then we suffer for their lack of caring, and incompentancy. As I said it is nuts. I have so many stories where I have been screwed over. I guess you read the one I posted about that stupid Neurologist "firing" me! What an idiot!!! I would not take my puppy to him.
So often people do not understand just how frustrating things are with physicians. IF you do not go very often to a doctor, or for tests, or do not deal with a pharmacy very often, then you can't possibly get it, I understand that. But, the millions of us out here that DO deal with it, on sometimes a daily basis, it is definitely enough to drive a very sane person over the edge. It wastes OUR time, our money, and often it causes more hardship on us, by having to go back to the pharmacy, or make more phone calls, and then the doctors now get pissed if you "call more than once". All of them now have a message that says "if you call more than once it may delay your prescription etc.) WELL if they would GET THINGS TO US ON TIME!, we WOULD NOT CALL BACK! So, they have issues for sure. It is a constant merri-go-round of crap to deal with. Then they wonder why we have so much stress, anxiety, depression, and often just plain anger. Well as I said, even Christ would be angry over some of the mess I deal with. 

Whom Can "Fire" Who?? A Doctor "firing" a patient? Why can't we fire them???

Maybe some of you have had this happen, but in all my years of doctors this as a first! I got a letter in the mail this week from the neurologist that did my EMG/NCS about 4 weeks ago. ALL he was supposed to do was those tests, nothing else. Well, he did this whole gamut of crap, and then told me I needed to see a Vascular doctor, and have more blood work(I just had the same stuff), plus he wanted ANOTHER CT SCAN that I just HAD 4 MONTHS AGO and spent a fortune on that showed NOTHING! Well, I spoke to my own doctors about the whole thing, and they told me none of what he wanted was necessary, but if I did want to have my arteries checked out my cardiologist told me it was an okay idea but no huge hurry. Well the letter told me he as of me receiving that letter cancelled the "doctor/patient" relationship. I thought maybe he was in trouble or something so I called. Just because I DID NOT GO TO THE VASCULAR doctor immediately (when I had already told them I had my Mom's mitral heart situation to clear up first), plus HE WAS NOT MY DOCTOR, HE was to do JUST THE TESTS!, anyway He basically "fired" me as a patient!!!!! What an ass! In the first place I was not going back and did not even have an appt with him. in the 2nd place my pain dr. who requested the tests already has seen me and the tests and has told me what I needed to do. And in the 3rd place CAN WE FIRE OUR DOCTORS WHO TREAT US LIKE CRAP??? MAKE US GO THROUGH STUPID EXPENSIVE TESTS that we do NOT need??? What a jack ass!!! We had a huge laugh over it! So, any of you been "fired" for not doing EXACTLY what your doctor suggested??? I thought this was a "free" world....

One Baby Step At A Time "Life's Surprises"

Over the past several months, it seems each day I find there is something new in my life. Yet, those new things are often "not good things". New symptoms of illness have plagued me now since early January, and even though I have been to numerous physicians, through many tests, and it seems I either have no relief, no answers or develop another new almost unbearable symptom. I have tried to piece the puzzle of this mysterious illness together, trying to gather information from my own searching on line, to trying to put what tests have been done in order that they make sense, and I have honestly has more "luck" than the doctors have had. I have figured that even though the double vision began several months back, long before the severe leg pain, fatigue, abnormal blood "myoglobin", & all of the what seems like new side effects that have just suddenly hit over the past few months. OF course they could be related to anything. They also could be related to one another, even though they came on at different times. I finally got one issue straightened out yesterday with my pain specialist. After several phone calls that were getting me no where fast, I just made an appointment to go up and see him. Once we could get on the same page face to face (which I find now is almost impossible when leaving messages with nurses) he was in agreement, that at this moment the pump does NOT look responsible for the issues, and it seems to be either muscle and/or nerve in nature. Thus if it is a type of neuropathy and/or myositis, or muscle issue, then doing any kind of surgery on my body ti check the pump is a total waste of my time, his time, and a waste of putting me under anesthesia for no very good reason.
We still honestly do not have an answer. I could be looking at a viral thing that did start first (the double vision was the very first about 9 months ago), but it seemed like a flu bug. During that time as I have explained more than once I developed severe muscle pains, mostly in my legs, down the back and front, but in my feet, ankles, toes and even the bottoms of my feet. At the time I thought it was from the flu. All of us that have ever dealt with a case of flu knows you have horribly painful muscle aches for days, sometimes for a week or more. But, rather than begin to get better once some of the other symptoms got better, the pain in my legs, from my lower back and sides, down to the bottoms of my feet got worse. That was about 4 to 6 weeks before I finally went to my doctor, and finally called and talked with my pain specialist. It also happened that he had refilled my pain pump during this time. Thus we felt it could have something to do with the pump at the time. (I still wonder if some if it does not.  About 5 days after he emptied it completely and refilled it, suddenly the pain did improve), so I wonder if there was something somewhat wrong with the medication, but it took longer to get a grip on the pain since I was in such horrible shape, plus I was also on oral pain meds, which helped to change the pain enough to make it noticeability different. Either way something began to change. The pain was not all over my body as it had been, my legs still hurt badly, but not as badly as they had a week before that. All the while each and every type of specialist known to man was running their own tests on me, and not sharing the information with my other doctors, thus not one soul, with the exception of myself, was able to put two plus two together and get the correct answer... 4! I began to look at the test results, do enough "Googling" and see that in many ways all of the symptoms, all of the test results do interrelate to themselves in one way or the other. I for the life of my cannot fathom why doctors will run a million tests, never look at them, or share them with all of the others involved, at least the PCP! So, not one soul knows the entire story, especially those that half-assed listen to me, and none of them can possibly "guess" if they do not have all of the things in front of them. Hell, even the tests that get ran are half the time not looked at by the very physician that asks for them. A great example was yesterday. I knew what my EMG said. But, even though my doctor who is a great pain specialist, missed the entire boat, because he had never really looked at the very test results he asked for. So, I was told several times, he HAD looked at them, and nothing showed, thus it was not the issue. Yet, yesterday, when he LOOKED AT THEM while I was sitting there. I feel that is really the first time he saw any of what showed on the EMG and NCS. So, no wonder he was still telling the nurses to schedule a surgery! What if I had not been so astute? I would have already had surgery, and for what? Not for what needs to be done as far as it looks now. I have to wonder how many patients just take the "nurses" for their word, thinking they must be right, and have a surgery that is not necessary? I will bet there are many. They have insisted on me, for the 4th time in that many weeks to do surgery as "per my doctors orders" and were very insistent that it be done! Luckily, I DO understand, thus I kept NOT having the surgery, putting it off until we had all of the tests back, and then I did GO UP THERE to talk to my doctor himself! IT is true insanity. You cannot trust any of the nurses, I have found out lately, half the time they do NOT take messages correctly, or tell the doctors exactly what you said. They do NOT get information correctly from the doctors to tell patients, but I think they just make something up about half the time, because they are either incompetent or just don't care anymore. They do a piss pour job, get paid, and go home. NO longer it is on their shoulders to make sure patients are done right. I realize not ALL of the nurses are that way, and we have many awesome ones that deserve lots of praise, but they are getting less and less. More and more we are seeing the others, like yesterday. I called (I am NOT exagerativing 4 times) on one of my meds. I got the run a round from both ends, the doctors office and the pharmacy. On the 4th TIME when I called the doctors office, I TOLD THE NURSE to MAKE SURE the prescription was being sent to the CORRECT PHARMACY! They kept saying they were not getting it! FINALLY, after nothing again, I CALL THE WRONG PHARMACY! and where it is sitting??? At the very pharmacy I told the NURSE NOT TO SEND IT TO!!!! How many times I said that through 5 conversations I don't know but they had also gotten the original request for a refill from the correct pharmacy1 Yet they still could NOT GET IT RIGHT! I gave up, told the other pharmacy to fill it please and I would pick it up today. I had already had well more than enough of the back and forth game, and not one person was doing what they should. I was wasting my energy, my time, and getting more upset by the moment. It was not even worth it, but my doctor will get an ear full when I see him again.

From here I plan to finish my 2nd book and get it published hopefully by the end of May, or the first part of June. I pray my body will allow me to work on it. I am about half way or more through, but I have lots of the prose to go through. Those are what take the time to make sure they are correct, in grammar and spelling. So, I will be trying to get those in their, and decide what way I want them organized. The name of the book is "Time Tattered Musings"- Reflections Through The Looking Glass of Wisdom. I hope to "meet" my own personal deadline which is to be by the end of May. I hope to have it completed and ready to publish by the first week in June, if life permits.

Wish me luck, and I shall continue to keep you informed, and will blog here also. Their will always be something going on that I need to talk about in my entangled web of what I like to call "Life".... Hugs, Rhia

Lost My Reasons For What I love To do...

Morning All. Just a few days ago, I was "Up" I thought about my 2nd book to be published coming along. It has been slower than what I thought, just due to my own unexpected illness issues, and things with my Mom we did not expect either. Of course that is life. Things go on when you least expect them to, and especially when you have other roads to follow, it seems you find you are on a completely different path all together. From pavement, that seems smooth, all of a sudden to a dirt filled, rocky, full of ruts road that is taking you to a place you had no idea you would even be going. Ah, 'tis "Murphy's Law"... or may I paraphrase that now to say "Rhia's Law". IF it is going to happen, it shall happen to me, and usually not in a good way. No different is like yesterday. I felt like a train had ran over me, then backed over me, and ran over me again. Even though we had a wonderful time on Sunday for our day trip to the Casino, I always pay for it the next day with aches and pain, and being tired. Thus, even though I was worn out, I thought I would get something done around the house. So, I wanted to change the way the ceiling fans are to move, back to the correct way for Summer. Well, as soon as I got up close enough to move the button,  I saw just how dusty they were. So, of course I am not going to leave them that way. I get my dusting items, dusted them off, and when I completed cleaning the one in our living room, I turned it on. All seemed fine, so I went to the one of the office. Well, it is new or fairly new. We had to replace one I believe last Summer. In the process, we had a blade that has a bad thread where you put a screw in. Thus after the entire fan was completely up (again Murphy's Law) the very last blade was the one we discovered with the spot in the threads and we broke off the screw into the hole. So, that left only one screw in that blade, and of course how are you going to hold that on? Well, you can drill it out, but then you still have the question of how to get something in there to hold that blade on correctly? Anyway, we had ran it with one screw, but just on low for the Winter. Due to the direction the blades for for the Winter, as long as we kept it on low it did fine. But, after I cleaned it, I happened to have knocked that blade out of position, and of course it went nuts when I tried to turn it on. So, I quickly turned it off, and decided to let Jim tighten the other screw in that blade, and he had an idea of epoxying the other side on to hold. In the meantime, I glance over to our living room, and suddenly that fan just stops! I was like "what the hell"??? I thought possibly one of our breakers tripped or I did something while cleaning it. Well, I also turned that one off. I tried several times, and it seems like the motor is probably shot in it. When Jim got home, we both agreed the motor is probably going out, but if you turn it on, and help the blades go at first it will run for now. So, we can do that for the next few days until we get a fan and can put it up. Of course this week is already sort of booked with several things to do, thus time is never on our side when it comes to projects at the house. So the whole story I tell to show that here I am cleaning even though I am feeling lousy, and wouldn't you know I clean the fan and the damned thing goes out. I guess I would have been better to just leave the stupid thing dusty! So many times in my life, just when I feel I am doing something that is "good", I find I should have just "left it dusty" after all.
thus, it is that way about my writing and my book being published. I was so elated to get my 1st book published. I never in my life dreamed that wish would become a reality in my life, yet it did. So, at first thinking about a 2nd, and then a 3rd one was really something that seemed to keep me feeling like I was on the right road of life. Yet, every stone in the world has been thrown at me to knock my "horse" and it's rider (myself) into the dirt. Chronic Illness on TOP of LIFE is just not pleasant at all. Life is already difficult enough, and can at times be more complicated than we care for it to be. Then you add a condition, or conditions that are a daily part of your life, such as Lupus, MS, RA, FM. CFS, Diabetes and the number of other chronic conditions that are always either on the fore front or the back burner of your life, and your pot tends to boil and run over more than you care for it to. Plus, that boiling point tends to be at a lesser "degree" than if you did not have the chronic issues to deal with frequently. I thought about this Saturday afternoon and early Sunday morning as I readied myself for a day away at the Casino. When you have a type of illness that tends to "rule" your life, such as Lupus or RA, or many more, all of the things involved with that illness have to be taken into consideration even on a trip for the day! Medications have to be either taken with you, or watched when you take them. What you wear, especially shoes due to all of the walking can effect you, thus you may not be able to wear a certain outfit or shoes. Or you do wear them, and just suffer through the day. Then you may have a special diet you have to stick to, pain that shall pop up if you have chronic pain issues. You must be sure you have your health information on you, especially your medications, and if you have something that needs special care, such as I do, with my pain pump(I cannot have a MRI), you must have that all written down in your wallet or purse where it can be located for site. Other items would be insulin if you are diabetic, and/or sugar pills, candy etc. Maybe you have a walker, cane, or other item that helps you walk. Also, for some it may be you are not able to ride for but a small period of time, then you must get out and stretch your legs. Even though our trip is not that far away, and the ride is not all that long, stopping for breakfast about 30 miles before the Casino is a nice break out of the car for a little bit. Riding for any length of time with joint issues, back issues, and so forth will put you in a strain, and make you sore. So, even a quick few minutes out of the car to stretch helps if it is possible and needed. Then of course if you have any other considerations like animals at home, any thing that can be effected by being gone for the day, all of those things must be addressed before you leave. Hell, even just going for the day somewhere can wear you out just getting ready to go, much less the trip and getting there.
When it seems you begin to be much slower at things, whether it is getting dressed, cleaning the house, going to the market, or whatever it may be, you being to get frustrated with life in general. That includes even a trip you look forward to. It used to take me an hour to get ready, now it takes three! That does not include the day before I spend trying to decide what to wear and so forth. With Lupus and/or many of these other chronic illnesses you begin to be slower at many things. Like I said, rather than an hour to get ready, as it was just a few years ago, it takes three or more. Age already does that to you. The older we get for the most of us, the slower we are at certain things. Your balance is not as good. Your thought process is not as good. You tend to forget certain things, or must double check yourself to make sure you have what you need, and have done what you need to do before you leave the house. I also get much more frustrated now when anything happens to "change the plans". Whether it is a good change or just a delay of some kind, once I have "planned" things out a certain way, that is what is in my mind. So, if a sudden last minute something interferes with the plans, then I am just out of sorts for the next few minutes. It happened yesterday in fact. Mom and I were supposed to be going alone yesterday. We had asked my hubby to go several times, but he had said "No", he wanted to stay home this time and work on the new web site. I had even asked him late Saturday afternoon, and he said no he was staying home. So, in my head, I had it planned out when to leave, when to have Mom drive over here so Jim did not have to get out to take me to her house, etc. Plus there was NOT any bad weather in the forecast for the entire week and weekend. All week long I had watched the weather here and in OK carefully to see there were no changes of rain or thunderstorms here or in there area. Thus, my plans were for Mom to be here around 7:15 am. She could see to drive by then, and did not have to be concerned about driving in the dark. She does not do well driving when it is dark. So, I knew it would be light enough for her to make it here. Well, I got everything ready, showered, dried my hair, and went to put on makeup, and Jim mentioned getting in the shower. Well, this was about 5:30 am! I was like, what the heck is he showering so early for, when he has the entire day to take one or whatever. Then he comes out of the shower dressed like he is going somewhere. I stepped out on the front porch, and i was shocked. I proceeded to ask him what his plans were since he had planned to stay home, yet at 5:50 in the morning he was dressed up and ready to go! Well, he comes out with "if you don't mind, I thought I would go with you two after all today". Well, I know I had an odd look on my face, not meaning to say no at all, But, I was just bowled over that he so suddenly changed his mind and decided to go. That was a change in plans I did not expect. So, that meant having to change things around. We had to fix up some place for the dog for the day. So, we turned the kitchen into a play room for them, but that took putting extra food out, water, their blankets, and so on so they would be okay until we got home late that night. Then we had to get hold of Mom, tell her NOT to come over her, and that we would just come over to her house instead and leave from her home. I had to turn the phone over to ring the cell phone. We had to leave some lights on, lock everything up, make sure everything was turned off, and so forth. I know it does not seem like a lot, but it does add up to more time and trouble since we were both going to be away for the day. It is funny that way, that not many years ago, I was puzzled by my own parents being set in their ways so much. I am not that much older now, but between aging a few years, and then the matter of having chronic illness to deal with, every little thing that does something to put you "off schedule" or disrupt what you thought was going to be one way, seems to just upset your entire world. Once plans have been made, I guess I am so set in my ways in essence, that it throws everything out of sorts for me. I always hated being late, and now it seems I am late no matter how early I start to be ready. Whether it is cooking, cleaning, going somewhere, I always start earlier, yet it seems I still tend to run late. My Dad was such a stickler for being ON TIME! He was EARLY everywhere he went and everything he done. So, if you were one minute late he would be just totally tore up. I am sure that is where I got the thing about being "not tardy". He was that way until the day he passed away, he believed people did not have many excuses about being late. He understood emergencies, but just being "lazy" and not being on time was a huge "No-No' to him. It used to drive him nuts because my half brother was NEVER ON TIME for anything. IF he said he would be there at 4, look for them around 6. Plus do not expect a phone call telling you they are running late. They would just be there when they got there. Not Dad, if I was cooking Christmas dinner for all of us, I made sure if I told him to be there around noon, I was dressed by 11. He was going to be at least a half hour early or more. So, I can blame my times of duress on those things that suddenly change without notice on age and illness. Right now I am just in a place that I am not sure who I am, where I am, what I want to or don't want to do. I am very "scattered" to the four winds about life, about being ill, about all of the annoying chapters of life, that seem to rain down on me, just when I think things are looking better. I honestly feel quite useless. I even got out my things in my sewing machine cabinet and measured out pieces to make a quilt. I am so entirely disgusted with feeling like crap, feeling like I write nothing but crap, feeling like everything I do turns to crap, and I am just at the bottom of the mote of what living is all about, that I do not care anymore about what used to seem important. Even what I am "blogging" about at this moment, seems more like I am blathering on, rather than actually saying a damned word anyone cares to hear..... (so I think it is just time for me to stop right here and call it day on the blog) and bid you a much better day than mine seems to be.