More about Wound Care Specialists, Severe Pain that is driving me about insane, too much to do, Mom and what I fear is dementia or Alzheimer's & as always more.....

At this moment my Mother does not know just how upset I am with her. But, I totally intend to tell her today! After she had the issues with her stomach, and some intestinal issues, she lost some weight, because she just would NOT eat! I mean she went for DAYS and would barely eat or drink anything! I took Ensure over there, took everything I could think of, suggested everything I could possibly suggest, and finally took her to our PCP who put her on medication to "increase" her appetite, and some new medication they are using for chronic constipation, especially from certain medications. She has a lumbar spine issue, and had been on NSAID's. That has been going on for months, and the pain specialist even gave her Norco to take every 6 hours when needed. Which at first she refused to take, until the NSAID"S caused kidney output issues, that sent her to a Nephrologist, who took her off NSAID's (which our PCP has already done) and cut back her Lasix some temporarily until she had a kidney sonogram, which has been done last week, and more blood work on Monday next week. Then she follows up with him the first week in December. I feel things will return to normal. I feel it was the generic Celebrex that caused the issues, and now her kidney functions should be fine. But, he made the mistake of coming out and telling her she maybe facing Level 4 "kidney output" which means one step away from dialysis... I had told this before, and how I reprimanded him for even mentioning that word to her before he even knew WHAT was causing the problem, and before he even read the chart from our PCP etc... I was so mad at him... but MOM will NOT ask questions, she will not speak, she just sits there, listens, and then leaves not understanding a word... and having 15 questions, she never asked, and expects ME to figure it out, explain it, and then even at that she is so totally confused, she does not even know "if" she takes her meds now, or "if" she is taking the proper meds at the right dose. I cannot say enough that I have explained, I have a typed out list, of what she takes, when, how much, what it is for, and which doc prescribed it, and she still cannot get it right... she blames the pharmacy but she goes in, takes her "bottles" rather than calling them in BEFORE SHE GOES... and expects them to have them ready immediately even if she has NO REFILLS! Then she gets mad when they cannot get them okayed by the doc right then! I have talked till I am blue in the face, and nothing goes into her thick skull. I spend more time going over there to explain medications, that she cannot get straight... and she will do NOTHING for herself anymore. She won't leave the house for days and days and days, because it's cold, well it is winter! And mu body hates cold weather, and I hurt, am stiff, without my pain pump, with two HOLES in my legs, and I have to MAKE myself, but I get up and move, rather than lay in bed and mope! I even had the doctor put her on antidepressants, she is so totally depressed, and she decided her "breathing" was not right. So, she went in to her cardiologist, that told her the leaky valve was in such good shape now, that she can't even "hear" the leak! She also told her the shortness of breath, the weakness, the stiffness and pain is from having stomach issues, losing weight and muscle too quickly, not eating, and then now not exercising, walking, or something to improve her muscle tone, especially in her thighs... that is why she stays cold all the time, why she feels weak, and walks "slumped over forward"... and she just walks now "shuffling her feet" like she is almost what I see in people with very bad Alzheimer's.... So, Wednesday around noon or so, and had just gotten out of the shower, and my phone rings... my hair was not even dry yet, and she is "mad" again... she let the car sit there for well over a week, and did not even start it and let it run, so the battery was down AGAIN! And she was "out of everything to eat in the house"... so I told her I would finish getting ready, bring the battery charger over, put it on trickle charge and let it sit for a day or so, and I would take her to the store. Well, we get in there, and all she bought was paper towels, toliet paper and facial tissues! Barely anything to eat, but 3 pieces of "salami" she has sliced, and a small loaf of bread... and some already made bisquits and sausage to microwave! I was the one that really did not need much, mainly stuff to clean my dentures, BC powders, more large bandaid's... but I bought more groceries than she did... I bought a ham to put in the freezer, and several other food items... and we got to the front to check out, I looked at her and said, are you now eating paper towels? I thought you said you had nothing in the house to eat? Well, I know what she did... she decided NOT to buy what she really needed, because she was upset over the car not starting, and decided she would not buy all of what she needed at the time... which was totally stupid... here she was, did not even have to carry any of it in... I could help her, and griped the entire time about how heavy a 2 liter coke was, and how everything is too heavy to carry in... it took me only 5 years to finally convince her to use the reusable grocery bags... that are so much easier, hold stuff better, with handles, and you don't have 50 tiny plastic bags that hold nothing to try and deal with... anyway, I had already TOLD her at least FIVE TIMES that I had the appointment yesterday, in Duncanville, with the wound care specialist... and even though I had some idea what they would do, as far as debriding the abscesses... I was not totally sure, and had no clue how long I would be there etc... I never "asked" her to go, but she knew it was a new doctor, something I had never been through before, up in the Dallas area... etc... so even when I left her house Wed. afternoon again I reminded her of the appt the next day at 1PM in Duncanville... I could tell she was NOT going to offer to go... hell she did not even want to go to the grocery store, so I knew her not saying anything was her way of saying I don't want to go with you... but I called her about 11:30 yesterday morning. I was leaving at noon... to tell her I was leaving, and it maybe later that evening before I could take the charger off the car, or even today, Friday before I would get over... well, when I called SHE WAS STILL IN BED!!!! Again for over a week, she stays in bed until almost NOON! She never did that before! She was always up fairly early, may lay back down for a bit if it was too early, but she would get up, bake, do things around the house, and so forth.. she may sit for a time, but she was usually up and about for at least part of the day... now all she does it stay in bed and gripe because her back hurts so bad.. but will not take the pain meds as she can to help with the pain, and then will admit if she "gets up and stirs" around the pain is "better".... but yet, she was still in the bed after 11:30 in the morning... and then had the nerve to tell me, SHE DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE APPT. she "thought" I was going back to the "surgeon" in Waxahachie!!!! She knew that was NOT true! I had told her when my PCP wanted me to go, what I was going to do and see, a wound care specialist, and she had been told numerous times it meant going to Dallas... so then I don't get home until after 4 yesterday afternoon... so I change, say hello to Bub's, and get things back in order and then call her to tell her, I was not going to mess with the battery thing until today... it was late, I was totally exhausted, and she did not need the car yesterday afternoon anyway... and again, she said, I think I have been "out of it"... I did not know you were going to Dallas, to this specialist... and I said YES, you are out of it, and YOU DID KNOW, because I told you a half dozen times, including Wednesday afternoon, again... that I had to go the next day and be there at 1PM.. and it was in Duncanville... and then she said something about sleeping so much, and again I told her that she is suffering from "disuse syndrome" and that staying in the bed and NOT DOING as her doctors have told her only makes her more weak, feel more pain, and worse health wise and mental wise... and then she said, "well I have nothing to do"... BULL, she is always able to find something to do around the house, she could have been up, dressed and went with me, and at least got out of the house, rather than sleep till noon, and then gripe because she is cooped up, cold, and weak, and in pain.... anyway, I just bit my tongue on the phone, but I totally intend on giving her a good talking to today when I go over... this is totally stupid... to all of a sudden lay down and decide to just give up and wallow around in your own self pity... anyway, I guess I should not post this here, but I am sick of her playing me and I spend more time messing with her stuff, and don't think I resent it, I moved back here to "help her".., BUT not everything... not all that she suddenly has decided she can't do... I already do enough almost daily for her, and the rest (she even decided it is too much trouble to go to church)... my Grandmother went to church everyday, without fail with her sister... so going to Mass on Sunday morning, certainly is not something she can't do anymore... that is just an excuse... okay... well enough griping and being disgusted with her attitude... I have my own stuff to do... I still have to try and see about this bracket on the ceiling fan, along with a billion other things I need to do... more later guys and gals....

More on Mom, pain, and wondering if I am LOSING MY MIND!
I saw it again yesterday... I "told her" 3 times about blood work she needs to have done "Monday"... and when I got up to leave, she said, I can go by myself "tomorrow" to have the blood work done... and we had JUST discussed it was "Friday"! I turned to her ad said, well if you think they are open on Saturday, I guess that would be fine.. and then I said "Mom, you can't even keep up with the days of the week, or what time it is, I am not sure you can go to have lab work done yourself... besides I had JUST ALSO TOLD HER that I had the ORDERS for it! Sometimes it is so frustrating also... because I just feel like I repeat and repeat and remind, and she still just does NOT get it. I walked in yesterday, and she was "looking" for something. I asked her what she was looking for, and she said you know the "stuff" for... and began to make a "circle" with her fingers... I said the "Meclazine" for vertigo... and she said yes, and I thought I had a whole new bottle.. I looked up and it was sitting on the kitchen cabinet... and I pointed and said hey, there it is right there... and she said I don't recall putting it there.... I did not know whether to feel badly, or be just plain mad... honestly... it gets very old... very quickly, and with my own health issues at this moment, and honestly my PAIN LEVEL EXCEEDS "10" at this time, and it about 80!!! if that was on the chart... everything on me hurts today... everything. and my pain meds did not come in yesterday, which concerns me, because the nurse at my docs office called Thursday afternoon and said she got them to the pharmacy... and they usually get those mailed out that same day, unless she did it very LATE in the day, as she does sometimes I think just to be an "arse" to put it bluntly.... so hopefully they will be here today, I will be out of the strongest ones by Monday morning, really Sunday night.. she always does that too, knowing that they come to me from a pharmacy in Dallas, she will cut it to the very last moment, and you pray you don't run out before your new script arrives... it is sometimes just frustrating... LOL... I guess I am a bit upset over everything today.... I have SO MUCH to do, and I hurt so badly, everything I try to do is just so difficult to contend with... my pain level has not been this bad in a long time, but it is surely making up for it right now...

Winter Weather and the Effects (Negative) on Bones, Joints, Pain, and Chronic Pain - Holidays, stress, and coping when Chronic Pain andor Illness Abound

Morning All! I thank each of you for "sticking" around, even though I have been somewhat absent over the past several days. I am still dealing with the "wounds" on both thighs, (abscesses) and finally see a "wound care specialist" tomorrow on Thursday. It means a drive to Dallas, but thankfully the weather has turned around, and we are supposed to have a few sunny days! I certainly hope so! The cold, damp, rainy weather does more to some than dampen their spirits, it can cause any type of bone, joint, arthritic, or chronic pain problem to escalate horrifically.

I have been dealing with of course NOT having my internal pain pump, which is already bad enough. Even with strong pain medication orally, they can't compete with the medication given from the pump. Then you add on top of that, all of the pain, stiffness and swelling from the Lupus, RA, other arthritic issues, and joint problems, and believe me, it causes a world of hurt, over and above what pain I already have.

I've read several articles lately on chronic pain. For the most part, I've been "aware" of just how badly weather has an effect on pain since I was 17 years old. Long before doctors would say "yes" definitely. I first noticed it with migraines. I was plagued with those for all of my adult life. In fact, they were much worse, led to me losing several jobs, because at the time there was no real answer for medications, for even why I had them, and facts that we now know about all types of migraines, were just not around back then. I also began to have joint problems, that even needed surgery by the time I was 21. After a severe knee injury that led to me having extensive knee surgery at the age of 15, and then another surgery on that knee when I was 21, from there I was also plagued with many problems with joints. I had several arthroscopic joint surgeries well before I was diagnosed with RA and Lupus.

I had an elbow, shoulder, and then another shoulder, wrist, and really needed another elbow surgery by the time I was 40. From there both knees has surgery several times, before finally having both of them replaced in 2007. In fact in 2007, that one year I went through 7 or 8 surgeries, related all to joints. Even the right shoulder, finally led to a total "reverse" shoulder surgery in 2011, and then cervical neck surgery, plus I face a lumbar/sacral surgery, that has been put off by other health problems.

But, I vividly remember how much worse my migraines, and then later joints would hurt when we had a huge weather change. I was in my doctors office many more times, or even in the emergency room with migraines when the weather "acted out".... a high humidity, very stormy weather, a drastic change from cold to hot, or hot to cold, sent me straight into more pain than I could deal with. At that time, there was little "medical proof" about the effects weather had on these types of health problems, but I cannot recall how many conversations I had with all of my doctors how about the weather had a dramatic effect on the pain level I would have.

Now, after many years, it has been proven with studies that it certainly does have a dramatic effect on the body, especially chronic pain and/or chronic illnesses. It is no different than when I had my 1st knee replacement, there are times, that "knee" hurts so badly, I would swear I never had surgery yet on it... but just like those who lose a limb and have "phantom limb pain" so is also true with those who have joint replacements. That is true for me with both knees, and my shoulder. There are times, especially during severe weather, that they hurt as they did before the replacements.

Holidays are upon us, and with the hundreds of thousands of us that suffer each and every day from some type of chronic illness, and/or chronic pain, holidays can prove to have a "mixed blessing"... when you have an illness such as an autoimmune illness, that already causes fatigue, and all types of symptoms, having a busy holiday schedule can definitely contribute to feeling even more fatigued, more exhausted, and the added stress often leads many of us to having bad flares, and even being hospitalized.

Holidays usually involve family. Like myself, with some of my family hours and hours away, that is sometimes the only time I get to see my daughter, and her family. So, we spend a great deal more time getting ready for family that is far off, or doing holiday baking, parties, and putting up decorations, planning meals, running and doing shopping, and all of the very things that can make holidays wonderful, but also make chronic illnesses and pain horrible in the process. We tend to not sleep as well, not eat as well, not take care of ourselves as well, and do way too many hours of overdoing it, thus leading to us feeling even worse than usual.

But, how do we find a "balance" when such times are upon us? That is a very difficult and almost at times impossible task... you can defer making a huge dinner, to going out to eat, you can order presents online, rather than running around 4 cities to find the right gifts. If you have a huge home, or are expecting a group to stay several days, rather than trying to do all of the cleaning and so forth, you could hire someone, or recruit others to help with those things. Or you could offer to help with a hotel room, or ask family well ahead of time if they would consider spending part of the time at your home, and then a day or two in a hotel. As difficult as that may seem, sometimes it is best for you and them. If you are too exhausted and overwrought in "taking care" of family and friends, then you are not able to "be there" in spirit and health to visit and enjoy the time together. With my home being so small, I just simply do not have the space for my 3 Grandkids, my daughter and her husband. When the kids were small they stayed a couple of times. But, after the kids getting older, and needing more space, a 2nd bathroom, and so on, they decided staying in a local motel here in our smI've made some adjustmall town was so much simpler for them and everyone. I realize that some may not have the finances to allow that, and other plans must be made. Yet, if you can at least take a portion of that off your shoulders, all can enjoy the time much better usually.

I know I have cooked many, many holiday dinners, all myself. I used to decorate every room, clean every speck of the home myself, and have all in perfection. But, as I began to have health problems, my "body" just became rivaled with fatigue, pain, and problems that do not allow me to do nearly as much as I used to. It is very difficult to contend with, and I surely know the guilt I feel even till this day about not being able to do what I used to... but you must accept those facts, and find new ways to enjoy family, take the burden off of everyone, so stress does not plague your enjoyment together.


I've made some "adjustments" already for the holidays for this year. Rather than try to get out of huge tree, and pull out all of the boxes in the attic with decorations, I "settled" for a smaller tree, that I put on my beautiful round table in the living room. I had many of my special ornaments and decorations in my camphor wood chest, so they were easy to get to. I took all of those out, and had plenty for the tree, plus used some of the other things to decorate the rest of the living room, as well as some in my office. No, it is not the huge tree I loved so much. But, it is a 4 foot tree. By the time I got the lights, and all of the special ornaments on it, and surrounded it by a few treasures around the house, it is simply beautiful. Plus this is the 1st time I can remember getting my tree up well before December 1st. I usually wait till the first week of December to put it up. But, I went ahead and bought the tree, and since I had it, I went ahead and spent a bit of time a couple of days finding my other stuff, and then decided to go ahead and put it all together. In fact, I just found my crystal candle holders, and got them all out and cleaned them, so I could get the candles in them with my candle rings. All of it things I had around the house. I need to buy a few more tapered candles, but I had 4, so that works until I am out sometimes later today to pick up a few more. Anyway, I have enjoyed the decorating this year almost more than some others. For one, because it is "different" but in a good way. For 2 I have not felt pressured to get it done, and have just taken my time, finding things to use from around my home. Even the tree skirt. I had some "quilted" white cotton, a piece I had in my sewing items. It is just big enough to make a perfect "tree skirt" and looks like snow, with the quilting and being white. So, I also have not spent a fortune to decorate. I did buy the new smaller tree, but other than that, I did buy a set of smaller lights yet even they were only like $2.00 at one of the local dollar stores, so I did not have to go into debt to have a wonderful tree and decor for myself and Bub's.

We are waiting to get our wonderful Christmas "miracle"! My hopes are that by Christmas we have a new fur-baby for our present this year! It seems perfect since Tazz, my Pug, who passed away a couple of months ago, was a Christmas present back in Seattle! She would be turning about 14 years old this month, around this time in fact! IT seems like yesterday we went to pick her out. I will never forget how she "bounced" up on the sofa and came running to me! There were still several brothers and sisters to pick from, but they put her up on the sofa, and she ran straight to my arms! I knew that instant she was my special gift! In fact, she is in her little locked cedar chest, with a prominent place under my Christmas tree right now. She shall always be my "greatest gift" as far as human gifts go... she lit up the room every time I walked in. But, Bub's and I have I think bonded even more since she passed away. We always had a "bond" but after both of us suffering through the loss of her, we seemed to grow even closer to one another. He is even more protective of me than he was, and he was always very watchful over me. So, I know both of us will be so thrilled to have a new addition to our home. It has not quite been "home" without Tazzy. Even though no other pup will ever take her place in my heart, I know she is happy, playing and will forevermore be a pup, and someday she will see me and run into my arms again, just like the very 1st time we saw each other! I painted her toenails that morning she passed away. The evening I picked her out, the lady painted a back toenail red, so I would know she was mine. So, I sent her to heaven with red toenails. I will know her without that, but I shall truly be so warmed to the core to see her run up and jump into my arms someday when I join her and my family members and friends in heaven.

Between the illnesses, the pain pump going out, the abscesses on each thigh, losing the trial from the accident, being "single" again without ever even expecting it, losing Tazzy so suddenly within 24 hours as I did, and trying to deal with Mom and her also having health issues, it seems 2015 has been another one of those very, very extremely tough years. I hope and pray that faith will lead me and my family, into a new, less stressed, better health time in 2016!

May somehow our nation and our world find peace and harmony!

And may each of us know and understand the true meaning of the Spirit of the Holiday Season...

With my love, respect, and may you find peace in your heart, and a well health filled 2016 also!

Medicare Advantage Plans, Kidney Stones, Pain, and "pain" from life and all we know... trying to find that positive light admist all the negative's....

Thank you so much Tracie L Carlson and Lourdes Villegas-Anaya !!!! 　 I so appreciate the kind words, and giving me the courage to try and move past all of the nightmare's life can pitch at us, in any given moment. None of us are "immune" to life's way of trying to take us down further each time things happen. Especially when SO MANY happen all at ONCE! I also know that I am NOT the only person on this Earth with a world of problems, and a universe of pain and suffering. I have tried to find a way back to the "light" in my life... although not an easy task. In fact, you are both correct, a great deal of putting up the tree so early, was so that myself and Bub's can find some warmth and spirit since this nation and world seem to be so totally cold hearted and full of so much indignation, terror, and things we usually imagine to only happen far away from us. Yet, that is not true. Whether we are suffering from illnesses and pain, or heart break from those we thought never would cause it, or the loss of someone so special, like Tazz, and my Dad who passed away 10 years ago, and I as I say the "loss" of "oneself" which when health deteriorates so badly, and chronically, it is so very easy to "lose" who you thought you were... we all change and grow, just a fact of age, wisdom (for some), and the way our lives are meant to be... but when you feel as if you have lost your very core of spirit, you inner most power, your ability to see the world with different eyes, trying to not become bitter, and full of loathing, all too often of your own body, and mind.. the fight is not a simple one, nor is being alone to deal with it ever easy either. Even now for me, being in a room filled with people I feel totally alone, and misunderstood. Of course with Tazzy being a Christmas present and was born about the time she passed away 14 years ago, has made the loss of my one fur-kid even more painful. Thank goodness Bub's seems to be feeling better, and after getting his rabies vaccine and getting those terribly long nails trimmed, and without having to muzzle him, :):) I think his feet maybe a bit sore... now he cries for me to help him on the sofa. But, I also realized that he is almost 6 years old! My papers from the Vet said he was 5 years and 9 months old... which I knew he was pretty close to being between 5 and 6 but time has flown by so fast. I look at the pics of him, when I got him home, he was so little, he had a place on my desk he laid... and Tazz the same way, she was so tiny, I could hold her in one hand when we first brought her home... guess that is why that seems like yesterday, and how hard it has been for me to except her passing away.... but I found her and Bub's ornaments, I had bought them over the past 4 or 5 years in the chest yesterday, and they hang on the tree along with Tazzy underneath it... she can too "see" the warmth and love she still has from her home..... And the Christmas Letter... yes I am sure I will find something positive to say, but in that, I will also have to tell the family and friends about all that has happened in the past year. That is why I write the letter, to catch up to family, we do not get to see or talk with very often. So, those letters remain a lifeline from our home to theirs, and from their home to ours. I still have so much to get done... I have to make a decision about my insurance and Mom's - and that is not an easy choice... I came to find out an interesting fact about Medicare Advantage Plans - OUR doctors are NOT the ones who "take" or do not take these types of plans at all. In fact, they have no say so in it.... ONLY the "insurance" companies make that choice... They "choose" whom they will be an in-network provider, and the physicians cannot say no, but they can't have the plans either, unless the insurance companies themselves "choose" them... Now I understand why my hospital is not on the policy we have now, nor some other providers. Come to find out they all work that way... I know I was totally dismayed that NO HOSPITAL within 40 miles of us took the insurance we currently have... that seemed so ridiculous! Well, NOT the hospital's fault... the insurance makes that decision!!!! Now this is mainly for Medicare Advantage Plans specifically, and I do not think it effects like Medi-Gap policies and so forth... thus just because online the companies may tell us that "this doctor" will be covered, by Jan 1st, they can change their minds and NOT cover a doctor we need to see... Talk about a mixed up mess!!! Our dear government at work... I can guarantee you, THE CONGRESS has a huge say over these plans specifically, and they make it as hard as possible, since many of us on them, are below the age of 65, because we are on disability, not "retirement" age yet... Anyway, talk about one messed up situation.... I was all set to go back to Humana for 2016, then I noticed our PCP was not listed as a network provider... thus I asked Thursday while I was there, and come to find out no, but it is because the "insurance" is not "allowing" them to be a in-network provider, not that they do not want to!!! It made me so furious... Humana COVERS our hospitals and so forth BUT not my PCP! And I have no guarantee after Jan 1st, they will "cover" the others they say they will online... it is a huge mess... and for me to try and get a "Medi-gap" policy would be well over 500.00 a MONTH or more... so it is no "win-win" for anyone... except the insurance companies themselves... and "United HealthCare" Secure Horizons SPONSORED BY AARP!!! is the worst! I have had nothing but problems with them all year long, plus as I said they do not cover our local hospital, my Rheumatologist, our Urgent Care Center, which seems totally stupid, and so forth.... anyway, so that is just one more thorn in my side to deal with.... along with all of the rest... again thanks so much, each of you... I did not make it to church again this morning, but I tried to go see Mom yesterday, and by the time I was in the car, I got sick to my stomach, and had to come back in the house, and let her know there was no way I felt like going over... same way today... my stomach is still "not right" but I am in so much pain, again I have to wonder if I don't have a kidney stone... the past two mornings, around 3AM, I awake to horrible and severe lower back, lower abdominal, pain... and down the fronts of my legs... which is usually how I know it is kidney stones... the leg pain, but down my front thighs.,,

Holidays, Illnesses, trying to cope and hope for a 2016 to be MUCH BETTER, and How to survive the attacks on so many & wonder what will happen here...

IT is difficult NOT to talk about the horrific violence in France last night. The scope of what the terrorists have been able to accomplish and all under the "radar" is one frightening situation. I realize our "security" since 9/11 is much improved. We know this by going to an airport, or even to one of our courthouses, I saw it on Capitol Hill in 2014. Yet, with all of our "intelligence" and capabilities, and as many events like this we have "thwarted" it still remains that no one is "completely and utterly" safe in our world anymore. Once again they have been able to blow up a plane with so many on board, and now again attacks in several locations, all well planned and thought out by these inhumane beasts, and even in a small town such as this one, you have to wonder which place will be next? Alas, there are so many other things going on in life, we remain such a busy nation, a busy world, to try and put your "life" on hold, due to madmen out and about it not an easy thing to do. After such dread and violence, and seeing the carnage they have left behind, as the number of deceased has grown to over 160 souls, and possibly more to come, at times it makes you want to crawl under your house and stay there... but as I said we are a town, a state, a nation and a world with so many things to do, and I think as something like this happens, it makes us feel an "urgency" to even be more abrupt in accomplishing our goals and aspirations. We have this sense of "what if" thus we become more wrapped up in the things we have began and want to finish, or what we have put off, all too often we feel as if there is "no tomorrow" thus we find ourselves muttering about, and scurrying around like the squirrels do in my yard and trees, getting ready for the Winter's cold.... we try and ready ourselves more for life, and also for the possibility that if we don't "live", we have made our "mark on the world".....

 

 

 

 

next portion....

 

now, that I have the post about the "violence in France down below started" (I am quite sure I will add to it), I wanted to say a bit about the entire ordeal and state of things right here in my own home.... first of all and I am sure for the very 1st time, I ALREADY HAVE MY CHRISTMAS TREE UP!!! I am quite sure I have beat my daughter, who always puts hers up the weekend after Thanksgiving! But, I had decided since we did not even get a tree up last year (mainly due to illness at the time) and it was difficult to get the huge tree down from the attic (which I still have to get up there and get some things down, to get rid of actually)... so I decided since it is just myself and Bub's right now, I would buy a smaller tree, and decorate it mainly with all of the sleigh bells we accumulated over some 13 years or so. I actually bought one last year, and then I bought one earlier this year, and both of those I had out and not in my camphor wood chest. So, the lights, a few sparkling red bows, and two of the sleigh bells are already on it. I turned it on last night, while Bub's and I watched a Christmas movie (yes Hallmark Channel is my all time favorite, especially this time of year) LOL!, and it was so nice to have just the lights from the tree and the sparkling from the glitter on the bows, and the way it almost danced in the living room over the entire room. It is only a 4 foot tree, so it is not nearly as huge as the other one. In fact, I am not sure it will hold ALL of the sleigh bells! They are pretty big! But, I have some of the ornaments and a few things in the chest, so that way I don't have to try and get into the attic right now to hunt for Xmas decor. I am going to have to brave going up there, and pulling some things out, some to get rid of, and I probably may have some boxes of papers to shred up there, and some other things that need to be taken down, plus I probably need to put some of the "mouse peanut butter bars" as I call them up in there. They tend to like the insulation to hide in for the Winter. Thus, I put the type of stuff up there that keeps them from smelling if one eats it .... LOL!!! IF one gets in this house, I may vacate it for weeks!!!!! HAHAHA, but I can say I did pretty good with those darned salamanders this year. Between the "spray" I made with Hot pepper sauce and tea tree oil, and my trusty "several" fly swatters, I kept them almost out of sight on the porch also. I found out about the tea tree oil and putting Tabasco sauce in a spray bottle, and boy you spray one with that, for one they fall, and for the next, they usually are deterred from coming back... nothing will "kill them".... I found out they are probably all over in the cracks between my siding and windows etc... during the Summer, they spread quite prolifically, when I finally found out about what they were, thanks to my Vet, Venetia Shafer at Bluebonnet City Veterinary Clinic who we got to see yesterday! Bub's did so well! I was so proud of him. Last time we went to get his nails trimmed, he "snapped" at Penny, her assistant, so I had to "muzzle" him, and that just about killed me... I had tried several years back to muzzle him at home and cut them, but I just could not stand putting the muzzle on him.. he HATES his feet touched... but so did Tazzy! She was just the same... she was so laid back and easy going, but she hated her feet touched... anyway, I held him yesterday and Penny talked to him, and he actually did not have to be muzzled, and did so well. I think because I "talked to him" before we left, and told him he had to be a sweet boy, plus we also talked a bit before we even went into the room to get him up on the table, he was so engrossed in everything else, his nails were cut, and he got his rabies shot, before he knew what was going on!!! So, he got one of his favorite bones when he got home, and he was so worn out... last night he acted as if he had ran a marathon! I had walked him for a bit up and down the sidewalk in town before we went into the Vet office, and I think he was so totally exhausted, he was even panting... and he rarely pants.... he is more cold natured -

Anyway, of course I face going to the "wound care specialist" at the end of next week, on Thursday.... and honestly, I think both of the abscesses are looking a bit better finally. But, I fear I am allowing them to close too much, too quickly... and that would mean they could still have infection on the inside... they are not closed off yet, and I have not allowed them to do that, but the right one especially is so terribly tender, it is really difficult to "dig" in it as I was able to do with the left one the first time...

Anyway, I have been contemplating writing my annual Christmas Letter, and due to all of the "crap" that has happened this year, I am not sure I really want to write it... but I shall do some thinking about it, to see if I can come up with a bit of a positive spin on some things, and then see about writing it. I've been doing this now for gosh, many, many years. I have a cousin in TN, that did it and still does, and I kind of picked it up from her's that I saw when I was younger, and she still writes them, but both her and her husband are much older than me, and I know neither of them are in good health.... so I hope she is able to do one this year. Anyway, I don't want to sound like "Scrooge" or the "Grinch" in a Xmas letter, but with all that has taken place this year, kind of difficult to find the "higher road"..... anyway, once I finish the tree, I will put some pics up... of course when my daughter gets hers up I will share those also... she always has such a spectacular tree! It looks like it should be in a magazine, or dept store window like Macy's.... :) I guess she got her decoration habits from me... my home used to be decorated in every room, when the kids were smaller... even the kitchen and bathrooms had decorations... and we usually had trees in both kids rooms, as well as the living room.... I always had the table set with my Christmas China, and linen napkins and tablecloths... it was always a memorable time of year for sure.....

Moving Past "Loss", now I face another specialist, a "wound care specialist" and trying to survive from autoimmune illnesses, and all that comes with it.... more also about the accident...

There were a couple of my friends who posted on FB to me, and this is what I wrote there in regard to some of the things they mentioned... in the days to come, I will reveal much more about this accident that has totally destroyed more lives than anyone knows... and how I see that in the end, those who harm others knowingly, and then lie and cheat... later do get what they deserve... and as from personal experience, I never have to do anything... life takes care of those people in its own way and time.....


I almost feel like I've had to "begin a new day of my life" over and over and over again, almost like "Groundhog Day" the movie... where each morning you wake up, wanting things to be different, to move ahead, to break from the stagnation of all of the bad stuff, the illnesses, the sadness, the grief, the loss, yet it remains... I am trying so hard to get well! I desperately want to get a new pup for myself and for my Chiweenie Bub's.. He is just now beginning to show signs of being "happy" again. He is eating much better, he is bringing me his toys, like last night, he brought me one of his latest "babies", I have called them their babies... and he wanted me to play with him... he had not done that for months and months... between Jim leaving so suddenly, then us losing my Pug Tazzy, who even though at times they appeared to be a bit of rivals, he misses her so much.... and he also "fears" I will leave and not come back. I see it in his eyes, when I tell him I have to run errands, and I will be back soon.. and then when I come home, his is almost crying, standing at the door, and I can tell he is so relieved I am home again... I've really tried to give him even much more love and attention that before.... just so he knows I am not leaving him.... but I feel with the right new "fur-kid" he will once again have a playmate, and someone here to keep him occupied when I have to run errands.... and that of course is just the "top" layer of many layers of life... almost like these two "holes" in my thighs... so many "top layers" of my skin look like they have "eroded" - and it is one frightening sight to say the least... I am also extremely concerned about Jim and his own mental and emotional state, after such a terrible let down with the trial.... ALL OF US AGREE even our lawyer that their were "lies", "people were paid off" to lie, and the driver and owner LIED under oath.... and then I still question the "jury"... there was something terribly wrong with them... I saw it, and I was only there a couple of hours... but I saw it in their faces, and it was almost as if they had made their minds up even before the trial began... a "corporation" again us "individuals" and if they are "dirty" then they could care less about the lives that have been destroyed by their own employees recklessness on the road, his driving while TALKING ON A CELL PHONE, and on so much more... BUT THEY have to live with themselves every day... and if they have any "heart" and maybe they just do not... it will be a burden they carry around forever and to their own graves. I do know from doing a search online about the company, that they have lots of "not satisfied" customers, who say online they have lied and cheated them... so that tells me enough, plus they were TOO SURE through this entire mess, they were not willing to budge an inch, offer a settlement etc... because they PAID OFF people to lie... no way, no how these "so called" witnesses, "seen" that accident, where the car was, whether the hood flew up or not, and I've said it all along.... those people were "found" before I even got the police report and paid to lie... I know it in my heart, I just cannot prove it.... so let them stew in their own deceit... what goes around.... definitely shall come around... I have watched it happen way too many times... I never have to do a thing, but sooner or later those who harm others lives, do pay a price....

A Wreck, that has totally "wrecked" lives and where is the justice???? Now I am no longer "stifled" and can say as I please... Autoimmune Illnesses & the Horror of Life and Dismay

By the way, just got home from Mom's Kidney sonogram, and I FINALLY got a call from my PAIN DOC'S office! My pain pump IS APPROVED, thank goodness, AND they were going to do surgery this coming Friday, BUT due of course to the abscesses, I have to wait, and get a "clearance" from my PCP... and I have to call them to let them know I do not think these antibiotics are working.... and then tell them they HAVE to GET ME WELL ASAP so I can get this surgery over with! Wish me luck, and still "no word" on the other item yet....
and on a FURTHER DISTRESSING NOTE (to say the least) AFTER 20 MONTHS of all we went through, a marriage destroyed, and several lives totally destroyed in so many ways, we LOST! They "ruled" that "neither" our car, NOR the truck driver were "at fault".... needless to say, yes, that ends it, but it sure as hell does not help ALL of the other issues that went along with it. I will say more, but right now I am so upset and disbelief - so I shall tell more later...


I have said from the very beginning, that "something smelled rotten" about this entire thing.... for one these 2 "so-called" witnesses, I've seen where the accident happened, and unless someone was staring at that piece of I-45 all the time, they would never see anything... AND I also feel that both the owner and driver LIED on the stand, in their depositions, and more... I have no way to prove it, and probably never will, but I also had a feeling when I was there Friday, that the "jury" selection was really "biased" - over 70% were the same "nationality" as the driver and owner, and everyone else at that company for that matter.... I am still in shock to say the least, along with of course Jim, my Mom, my daughter... and she KNOWS all of the issues about a CDL License and rules and restrictions of drivers etc... her husband works for an oil field company, and a couple of their drivers have been in accidents, and she said NO WAY no HOW would that business gotten away with this... lots of stuff just not "right"... but as I said... nothing to do but try and move forward.... what a nightmare, over and over, living it every single day since March 26th 2014 and how much is destroyed, lives, a marriage, and a great deal more than that. BUT, it is hard to get something "fair and just" IF another side is playing dirty pool.... and now I can say what the heck I please...

I've felt this from almost the very first moment that we took this and decided to file a suit against them. I "watched" each and every tiny moment of how this company "acted" - how they from the 1st "denied" any wrong doing, and yet admitted he was ON A CELL PHONE, a car in front of him, that had time to get out of the way, and everyone, including experts, and in fact their own "expert" in re-construction of the accident admitted he should have SEEN our car, no matter what, and being a truck driver, if he had his eyes and mind of the road, he had more than plenty of time to stop! Even before Jim was out of surgery in those first hours, I spoke with my insurance adjuster, she she told me the two guys in the Tahoe, had been known for appearing to get hit, thus they cause the accident, but claim otherwise and had been PAID several times by different insurance companies that would "settle" just to shut them up... In fact, the trauma doctor that I spoke with while still in the lobby of the hotel there in Washington DC, when I 1st learned of the accident said two things to me, before he even began telling me about the extent of Jim's injuries, he said JIM WAS NOT AT FAULT AT ALL, HE WAS NOT SPEEDING, and he was driving fine... that an 18 wheel tractor trailer hit him from behind and basically "ran over" our car! Of course due to the fact, I was told this on the phone by the doctor, and my insurance agent had told me this about the guys in the Tahoe, it was "not
admissible" in court, because it would be considered "hear say".... in fact those two tried to get money out of my insurance company, and the woman there basically told them to take a flying leap... they had proof of them causing this type of situation in the past... Also they basically tried to say that my car, the Hyundai was not "road worthy" and that the hood flew up which began the accident... I know for a FACT, MY CAR WAS COMPLETELY ROAD WORTHY! The Monday morning just before Jim drove me to the airport 70 miles away, and back home. The hood on my car, was extremely difficult to even open. The hood was very heavy for a small car, and I had made that statement on several occasions... and it had a "double locking system"... and that was to keep it from being able to "fly up"... you had to unlock the first one, then push further into it, to "open" it, and same way closing... once I closed that hood, it was as secure as any hood could be.... I will always remain stating that they all "flat lied"... that they "paid off witnesses" - these people standing around in their "yards" on the side of I-45 coming into Dallas, and 2 of them "happened" to have witnessed this so called hood issue... I am sorry but that just does NOT add up.... the odds of that are slim to none... and I also feel the jury was "biased"... as I had said above, the company was owned by the same nationality of people as the driver, who basically could NOT even speak English... and way over HALF of the jury was the same nationality... now if that is not biased, I don't know what is... due to my own health issues, these abscesses on both thighs, the pain pump being stalled...and so forth, unfortunately, I was not there to even see the jury picked.. and I was only there briefly on Friday to give my testimony, and then I left and came back home.... I really was not supposed to go then, but my doctors told me if I went, testified, and came home, then it would probably be okay, thus that is what I did... I SAW the HOOD LATCH MYSELF at the impound the net morning, when my son and I went to see the car, and take pictures.. and that LATCH was still fine and in fact, they had pulled the wrinkle out of it enough, they had it "latched" down, I guess the tow truck driver did that... and I took pics of it.. but at the time, I did not realize that I should have taken more photo's and much closer to the latch, yet then I had no idea that anyone thought the hood flew up before the car was hit.... or I would have made double sure, I had more information, and then the Dallas Impound "sold" the car... and that was before we had retained an attorney, thus the hood had basically been removed, and the motor taken out before our attorney found it... fortunately it had not been crushed yet, but still all of that being taken off, did not help, they had removed all of the pieces of the latch on the hood, and the parts on the car that held it, thus that proof was destroyed before we had any photo's etc...anyway, I could sit here, and continue to go over and over and over each and every tiny detail, from that moment I got the 
dreaded phone call, and tell each and every detail of the entire ordeal, but it does me no good, I already have had to "relive" it so many times, and it just causes me more hardship, more pain, more emotional overwhelm, and will not allow me to try and "heal"... not that talking about it is a bad thing, and that is the one thing for me that is cathartic... to be able to "say" or "write" my feelings, thoughts and so forth.. that is what makes me the writer I am... but all of that will not change the outcome, and I can talk until I am blue in the face, and that will not "fix" the damage this has caused to Jim, myself, and my family and friends.... as I told my Mom several times, I feel "cursed", and this is not the first time in my life I felt that way... it is like some dark ominous cloud hangs over me, throughout my entire life, I have felt it and almost seen it - and if anyone says, "Well, everything happens for a reason" to me, I may smack them in the nose!!!! That is what we "say" when we are at a loss for words... and I am sure I have said it too in the past, but trying to "find the good" out of something so outrageously bad... sorry but I just don't see it.... so where to begin - to try and "pick up" the many pieces of a heart broken, a body well riddled by illness and stress, and an emotional realm that as "strong" as everyone claims I am, I am not sure at all, that I have any more "stamina" of mind to sustain me anymore... and even trying to put one foot in front of the other, and move forward... well, that remains to be seen.... my worst concern at this moment is Jim.... he stood the one that had more loss than anyone from this, and for him, this means no help with doctor bills for the future care he needs, no money to sustain him in life and he has lost much of the place in the brain to "hold" a thought process so he can again design and develop websites and so on... the "coding" is something that requires a vast amount of holding onto thoughts, that may have to require coding on several different places and pages within a site... and especially anything complicated as his clients have had, online shopping carts, and the "behind the scenes" information that must detail their sales, inventory and so forth. I "worked" with him on more of the design part for about 4 years or so, and since then, so much has completely changed... it would take me months, if ever for me to even be up to speed again to even do design work... so I know for him this is a devastation that goes far beyond what most even comprehend... again each and every thought and prayer are needed in a continuing way... to help sustain him, as well as myself, and my family..... 

Trying to Remain "Positive" in all of this horrible ordeal... some of it I am unable to talk about at this time, but hope that shall soon end....

At this moment, I am not able to give any details, but I will say for now that the "nightmare" from March 26th 2014, hopefully is coming to an end very soon. My hopes are by the end of today, or at least by the end of the week. It has been a very, very LONG, winding, and life changing road, to say the very least, and it has taken its toll on not just myself, but everyone else, and tore the "life" I knew to shreds.... Let's just hope that it all ends, and ends on a "good note" for this side... People are "fickle"... so I could not "read" the looks on faces last week, but my hopes are that all of the many tears I have cried since that fateful day, and that horrid phone call, have not been in vain... after things are said and done, then I can say more....


By the way, just got home from Mom's Kidney sonogram, and I FINALLY got a call from my PAIN DOC'S office! My pain pump IS APPROVED, thank goodness, AND they were going to do surgery this coming Friday, BUT due of course to the abscesses, I have to wait, and get a "clearance" from my PCP... and I have to call them to let them know I do not think these antibiotics are working.... and then tell them they HAVE to GET ME WELL ASAP so I can get this surgery over with! Wish me luck, and still "no word" on the other item yet....