Memories Gone By and Don't Remember? Too many Holiday "Have to Do's" and Chronic Illnesses/Pain

Well, a little early, but here is a post from a group I belong to that I wrote in response to the "Do-Allers" for the holidays, and how it is almost impossible for some of us to "pace" much less "breathe"... Here is my post from my FB about pacing, breathing and not feeling guilty for us that are your "Do-Allers" for the holidays:

 It seems it is difficult NOT to go, go go, and then try to NOT feel the guilt behind it all. I am usually baking all kinds of candy, quick breads, cookies etc. to take to 4 of our neighbors around us. Then by now my tree has been up for at least 2 weeks, every decoration (and I make all of them) in place, flowers of graves of my Grandparents and my Dad, my "outfit" ready for Christmas Day, baked my special annual fruitcake, sent out all of the Xmas cards, written my annual Xmas letter to put in the cards, I also send cards "for the troops" for that group to get out and I do at least 25 or more cards, have the house clean from washing curtains to shampooing carpets, have my Xmas comforter, bed ruffle and pillows all out, have ordered our "annual" Wallace Sleigh Bell Ornament (we have 10 this year, so we have been together now for 10 Christmases), decided on exact plans for Xmas Day, and the list goes on.So, how do you "cut back" on things that you love to do? Like My Christmas letter, I almost "forgot" and had to rush to have it ready (this is usually at least a 3 page letter), cut out the neighbors??, now I feel they "look forward" to their treats, not clean??? Wow that would be almost impossible for me, LOL, even when NO ONE is really coming to our home, I still feel I "must" have the house spotless from top to bottom. I used to do all of this, plan for a party or two in between, work, raise two kids, go to college at night, and do all of my shopping NOT on line, but up in Dallas usually on a trip or two up there for Xmas Presents, and gosh the list yet goes on and on. IT is like Kristy said, that is my type of personality, and until a flare hits me like a brick wall and knocks me on my butt, it is so hard to "pace" or half the time "breathe". Then I worry about every bite of food I put in my mouth, because I am such a fanatic about my weight (and I can't seem to really get control of that lately, another "sore" subject for me right now), plus keep up with people online, sending emails, e cards, writing here, writing on my blog, still working on my book "Ramblings of a Seasoned Soul" to get it out and known to the public, plus working on two others.... my personality and Chronic Illnesses and Pain do not MIX!!! As I said, for me I think it is the overwhelming "guilt" that if I leave someone off, or stop doing something, or say NO, I will disappoint others and myself also, so it is extremely hard. I try to start "EARLY" but that is also difficult. The year gets away from you and is over with Xmas here before you can blink an eye. Funny, as kind of sad story from this weekend. My husband and I put up the tree together each year. Our last decor on is the Sleigh Bells Ornaments (10) this year, that we have, one for each year we are together at Xmas. Well, this year I wanted to make it fun...so I decided that each of us had to "tell" something about the year that was on the ornament. That began in 2003 with our first one. Well, for about the first 3 years, both of us could think of all kinds of good stuff we did and that happened, met, engaged, married, moved a couple of times and so forth, but starting about the 4th or 5th one, things got "blurred". We could not remember if this, that or the other happened in one year or the other...the closer we got to this year, the more difficult it got to "remember" what happened, and much of it was not the "good" stuff, but surgeries, doctors, illnesses, disability... I tried to laugh it off and say that it seems kind of a "good thing" if we do not remember. That means NO DRAMA! and life has been more on an even keel this past 6 years or so. I is also sad that life has passed us by that quickly...we honestly cannot remember exactly what happened, good or bad for the most part?!! I got frightened but did not tell my husband. For me is it the Brain Fog, memory loss, too MUCH CRAP in life, too ill, getting older...what makes me forget what happened in the last 5 years, yet I can remember things from our first 5 years perfectly?? IT really hit me hard. Of course he was not remembering very well either, yet still it was an eye opener for me. So, I think I am fearful to "slow down.” I fear I may stop and never get up to go again...

Memories Linger, As the Times Quickly Change

Another New Poem I wrote this morning... I hope you enjoy

As the Memories Linger, Times Do Change...

As the first truly “cold Days” of our Winter move in,
My memories linger how it was not so long ago; alas back then.
When gifts were came from local shops...
When dolls and toys in town were all you could get.
No so long ago, we knew no internet.

You could not find a million items to put around your tree,
Yet faces all lit up that fateful morn filled with joy and glee.
Santa Claus had found your wishes right along his way.
The gifts the elves “cobbled” at the North Pole were fine,
Yet not a one came from some fancy store online.

There were no computers, Kindles or electronic goods so you could view,
The hundreds of thousands of choices, for in your home town there were only a few.
Our local stores enjoyed our faces and provided items to light up a child’s eyes.
Like toys, games, trees and lights, yet everyone could was satisfied,
How Holidays brought families together without a laptop at everyone’s side.

No email, no cell phone, no texting was on those days,
We sent “snail mail” to our families members who were far away.
Times back then were more simple, as everyone can see.
We were full of joy, and not so stressed out,
About whether we sent all our “friends” on Facebook a Xmas Card out!

Alas, life changes, and memories cherished shall also come to change,
Our children’s lives are different and there thoughts later shall not be the same.
Later as they grow older, and us as the ones “passed away” are a memory.
They may think a I-Pod, Kindle, and all of those things for them have gone aside.
Santa brings things we’ve not dreamed of during those days to come in his sleigh ride.


Life changes, we grow older, children grow up, and they have kids of their own. Just a few short years ago, there was not a “computer” or internet. You bought all of your treasures locally, from the small Mom and Pop shops on Main Street. You may have made an order from the Sears Catalog, if you could not get what you wanted in town. Santa never disappointed, and I can remember fondly all of the beautiful things he brought me. New Barbie Dolls, and a Barbie House (that back then was card board), a table and chairs, tea sets, a high chair for my baby dolls and a small rocking crib. Beautiful dresses, pajama’s, and a pink robe, all were sparkling in my eyes on Christmas morning. I knew not a thing about a ‘Wii”, or “Play Station”. There was not a 4 story Barbie House. Barbie did not yet have a fancy car to drive, and tinker toys were all the rage back then, along with playing “Jax.” Yet the rivers of life flow on, and if we were to hold onto those old times, then we would become stagnant as people, as towns, and as a nation, and world. Thus even though times back then seemed much simpler, less filled with drama, conflict, fear, and hatred, we must move on and try to accept what is good during these current times. If we do not like something, then we do have the option of trying to make changes. I still linger in those times, when my plastic “dressing table” and even an Easy Bake Oven were the very best gifts in the world. I linger in the days when the most worry for me was learning my spelling words, and doing my school work, and watching cartoons. You never know just how great you had it, until those days have gone by... Rhia

New Poem "I Have A Disease"

this is quite different from my much of my poetry and writing. Although my writing is usually about the trials and tribulations of the illnesses and their horror at times, my poetry is more on a positive note. But, this one "arrived" yesterday and I share it with you. A "taste" of what my next book will have in it...

I Have a Disease

I’m floating in the clouds,
Then down on the floor.
I feel settled and content,
Then I want to rush out the door.

One moment I could climb to the mountain top,
In another fall into the sea,
One day I feel like a winner,
Another I can’t recognize me.

I am laughing at this illness,
Then crying in too much pain.
Days I hate the sun to shine,
Yet, others I hate the cold and rain.

Many don’t see it,
They don’t understand.
That the realms of this disease runs so deep,
Often you just don’t feel like making a stand.

You want to be normal,
To be a daughter, wife and Mom,
Yet you are anything but “standard”,
Your life has been robbed.

Of the days of freedom,
To do what you may,
All of those hobbies,
Somehow have drifted away.

No where to turn to,
No one can truly see.
That disdain is your new normal.
Is this how my life must always be?

Rhiannon Steele December 2012
Copyright 2012

Pieces of My Soul - "Stains of Life's Journey" (UPDATE) 2ND BOOK COMING IN MAY 2013!!

I hope everyone will have a good Sunday Morning. for me, I thought it might not be so great just due to thinking I was not going to sleep very well last night. but, as it turns out I did, and actually stayed on the sofa ASLEEP until almost 5:00am! What a miracle! I also want to send a huge hug and Thank you's to everyone who has been so kind to post their feelings about my latest poetry. Like life

e, as a writer your writing always evolves, always changes, it grows as you do. I had not thought much about that until once gain my "voice" came back to me over the past few months. I began to "hear" some of my thoughts about what I felt I needed to write about, and how to go about the way I wrote. It turns out even though there is always a reflection of me in the writing, it has changed with me, just as I have made so many turns, shifts, been over the rocky juts, into the rushing rapids, found the calm waters, and the ever winding of my own journey here. Thus my writing does the same. So, to "change" is always frightening. That means it is also frightening for a writer to realize their own writing has made changes also. Will we still "sound" as we did before? Will our own little "inner" voice continue to be that "musing" of thoughts, feelings and words as it has before? Will our writing still reach out and touch others as it has before? The answer is certainly without doubt "Yes"! In fact, as a writer, you not only keep your "first audience" but you bring in an entire new audience that loves what you say and do. Fr some here, my 1st poetry book Ramblings of A Seasoned Soul" - Brush Strokes of Life in Words, was a first time look at my "heart's work." For others that have experienced my writing for a long while so they already knew it well. So, my book stands in the realms of feelings that have surrounded me in still the future, yet also in the past. My new writing, still all "pieces" of my own soul, a "stain" of my life now is the same, but also different in some ways. As the illnesses and life's times have changed me somewhat, and I have grown and learned from them, my writing reflects those things also. So, as a writer, now I have come to know that my own "style" shall always be. But, the "contents", and the how I put some of those things can sound somewhat different and just be a metamorphic evolution of my inner essence, that shall also gleam in its own right. So, again I bid you a wonderful Sunday, and a smile to those who always know just how to bring brightness to my heart.

(To All who make my life pure when it seems so cluttered with everything that I honestly  wished did not clutter it) Thank you!

higherpowered.com/rhia_steele

Be sure to Check out my 1st Published Book! "Ramblings of A Seasoned Soul - Brush Strokes of Life in Words"

Time to update! (Feb 7th, 2013)

Official! Counting down from today 90 days until my "tentative" release date for my 2nd Poetry book to be published. I am "pushing" myself, because there is still so much work to be done on it, and the last weeks have just been nuts. I have worked on it but NOT like I have wanted to at all. Yesterday, it dawned on me, that May is only about 90 DAYS away!!! I have to get going. I am "sticking" with the name for now. "Time Tattered Musings" - Reflections through the Looking-Glass of Life. Unless something else strikes me for the "2nd part of the title", the Time Tattered Musings does remain for sure. Just wanted to get that out, that May is coming fast, and life seems to be too full, too much to do, and not enough energy in each day to accomplish it all. As the days grow closer, I will probably (and for some they shall be grateful) grow quieter here. I hope to get my butt totally engrossed into this book by the end of next week. My Birthday is coming up on Feb. 15th (almost a Valentine Baby), so after that my plans are to put my heart and head, and time, more into working on it, than other things... I am so thrilled and can't wait to share this 2nd on with all of you. It is going to be a great deal different than the 1st poetry book. There is less "poetry" and many more "prose" and pieces of writing in it. So, I hope that it will also be quite a bit thicker. The 1st one is awesome, and honestly I still need to get it out more and get it marketed. That is just another thing that is on the long list... Hugs, Rhia

That Time Again "Rhia's Annual Christmas Letter"

I do realize this seems so quick! I could not fathom it has already came around to time to compose one of the annual "traditions" I hope I will be able to keep for friends and family through the years to go by. My Annual "Catch-Up" the year Holiday Christmas Letter. I share today with you:)
It seems “Annual Christmas Letter Time” slipped up on me this year all too suddenly. As I was thinking about Christmas right about the week of Thanksgiving, I was suddenly overwhelmed with all there is to do, and just how little time is left before Christmas 2012 is here. That means New Year’s Day 2013, is also just around the corner. Honestly, I cannot believe a year has flown by such as this one. I feel like I just completed my 2011 letter to everyone, and put up the decorations. Here it is what seems like a few short weeks, and I was even hesitant about keeping the tradition alive. But, there are some things in our lives, that are wonderful traditions, like for instance, me making the early “no-bake” fruitcake. It just would not be the holiday season without it.

I have found some traditions have been made to be broken, and in a way this year
that hit me very hard, and brought some sadness to my heart in ways. Yet, in others we find out as the “old ways” leave something new aing and Christmas dinner at my Grandmother Svehlak’s house when I and my cousins were young.
It just would not have been Christmas without Granny’s chocolate pie that my cousin Mike and I fought over, her home made cranberry salad, which I make myself now usually for the holidays. It would not be the holidays season unless the women all cooked, while the guys all talked, laughed and cut up in the living room; while all of us kids were in and out, having a great time, awaiting food and presents. It also though seemed to go by so quickly, and within the blink of an eye, a breath’s space, all of us “cousins” are grown, many with kids and Grand Kids of their own, making our own traditions and watching them also change as their families grow up and change also.

Life seems to always be changing. Just as the tides flow in and out ever changing the way the beaches look, life changes us. Often in physical, mental and emotional ways, along with homes, jobs, and just life itself, we seem to always be moving to another goal, another place, another time. We seem to never stop moving, growing and changing.
Change is a magnificent thing, for without it, our lives would grow stagnant. Alas in change means that we must also be able to accept things in a different light. There are times we find out that those changes are not so easy to accept. Losing our loved ones, growing older, our health possibly declining, and all of those things that come with the time we are here as just “human” beings.

We must hold onto the good memories of those days of the past so we can cherish them in our hearts forever. Now my Grand Parents are gone, Dad and his siblings have all passed away, my kids are grown, and my Grand kids are getting big to quickly, and I have had to accept “age” and “illness” have changed me in so many ways. This year has been another one of those years. I went through a total “reverse shoulder replacement” in July 2011. At the time we hoped that was the end of my severe shoulder issues on the right side, but that was not the plan I guess. Earlier this year I began to have severe pain again in the back of my right shoulder blade, down my
Right arm, and running into my thumb. At first, we thought I had possibly done something to the shoulder implant, it has pulled loose, or something with it was not right. After X-rays and other tests, the implant seemed to be as it should be. So, that meant digging further. We did, and after suffering for another 6 months through more testing, and doctor visits, it was decided this new issue was coming from my cervical spine. Yes, my neck was causing the massive pain in my shoulder and arm. At first I was leery. For one thing, it seemed a little crazy and ironic that right after a shoulder replacement I begin to have pain with the same shoulder. Secondly, it was difficult for me to accept that even though I had neck issues and knew about them that,  the pain in my right shoulder should have anything to do with my neck. Yet, the evidence from tests and information the doctors had and we had pointed to the cervical spine. So, after much thought, I went in for a 4 level cervical spinal surgery in July of this year. It was to be the cervical discs from C-3 through C-7 to be worked on. Two of them were taken out completely and implants (artificial discs). The other two they performed fusion on, using bone spurs that came from the area to form what bone chips that were needed to make the fusion heal up and work properly. I was in the hospital overnight. The next day I went home in a “hard plastic immobile cervical collar” that I had to wear 99.9 percent of the time over the next 10 weeks of my life. Right In the middle of the hottest time of year, here I was already burning up with a drought in our area, along with the hottest thing anyone could ever put on to wear any time, much less the middle of Summer!

I survived, somehow I guess, and within 2 weeks after the surgery I began to have a very noticeable change in the painful places in my right shoulder blade, arm, along with tingling, numbness, and other symptoms began to subside. My doctor has told me that it might be a year before I saw many of the changes, and being “nerves” involved we were not made a guarantee about how much or little change for the good etc there would be. “Oh, ME of little faith when it comes to the Lupus, RA, and so forth” you could say. Yet, here I was 14 days or so out of a 4 level cervical surgery, and it seemed like it had been the much belated answer to the severe pain I had been in with the shoulder blade and right arm. Here I am now months and months out of surgery, and so far, I have been able to type, “finish and PUBLISH MY VERY 1ST BOOK!”, and do many things I had not been able to for a long time.

Yes, I said  “PUBLISHED MY 1ST BOOK!” All my life I had written, since the age of 13 or younger. I was told in High School by a couple of my teachers, that my poetry was incredible and I should keep up the writing. All through my life, writing has been my “partner in crime” so to speak, been there as a “friend” when life seemed too challenging, helped me through the wondrous times, and kept me company along my entire roadway of life. I never stopped writing. I have journal upon journal of poetry, prose, short prose and enough of just what I like to call “writing, writing” to fill several books. My dream has always been to be a published Author. Now my dream is true! 3 weeks ago, after so many years of struggling with illness I was able to set a goal to complete a poetry book I had been working on for a long time. I did make my “deadline”, got it submitted for approval, and within 24 hours I had a published book, and I was a published Author!! My life long dream of a book out there to share had happened. I cannot tell you just how incredible that felt. To see it up on Amazon.com, published, with my name on it, or my “Pen Name” was nothing but a large feat for me in spite of all of the illnesses, surgeries, moves, and just all that life has pitched my way, I had accomplished my one goal, to share my “heart’s work” with the world before I was no longer here in this world.

The name of the book is “Ramblings of a Seasoned Soul” - Brush Strokes of Life In Words. It is listed on amazon.com throughout the world, and on several other places that it can be bought throughout wherever amazon sells. My “pen name” is Rhiannon “Rhia” Steele. I am called “Rhia” by some due to it becoming a “nickname” for me years ago. It is a book of what I feel are my favorite 80 poems that I have written. That is out of probably 1000’s. I decided to “share” my heart with the world, especially for those also suffering through Chronic Illness and Pain also, showing them anything is possible if you keep your eyes on your goal, faith, hope and love in your heart. So, it is dedicated in many ways to all souls I have met along the rivers of my journey here, that are also ill with illnesses such as the ones that plague me. Honestly, I never published it for “revenue”. That is not my intention, but if it sells a few copies then that is another blessing in itself. You can find it on Amazon.com in a search for the book name. It is in a “book” and Kindle format and you can do a “Look Inside” and see several of my poems there.

Now I am working on my second one, and I have been again given back my “writing voice” to complete my “book-book” as I call it. I am writing to tell my own personal journey throughout all I’ve endured through out the chronic illnesses and pain in my life. I feel my story may encourage others to keep their chin up, their hearts and minds set on hope and faith. I want to share with all how life can cause you grief, but you can survive and thrive!  So, for exciting news, I guess the book has been the most positive and exciting news through 2012.
Mom is well. She had her other wrist “Carpal Tunnel” surgery done in the summer, and she is doing okay with it. Her hands, neck, hips, and even legs and knees are really giving her heck with osteoarthritis, along with stiffness and pain. Yet, she also gets up and goes when she is ready which is a great thing. We go together when we can, running errands and shopping. I have helped her get some other things in order this year so that has also kept her and I busy through 2012.

My kids are great. The Grand Kids now 14, 6 and 3 are getting too big, too quickly! It is almost impossible to think the oldest, Heather, my daughter, Amanda’s “adopted” daughter is 14! She is a beautiful young lady and involved in all kinds of sports and stays busy with that and keeping grades up thinking about college. The boys are full of energy, and thriving also. So, her “brood” are doing well.

Jason and Danielle still live in the Waxahachie area.They also are doing fine. They both made a job change, for the better. We had an early Thanksgiving holiday weekend with Amanda and her bunch the Saturday before at Jason and Danielle’s home. It is huge and she has it so full of beautiful furniture, a wonderful back yard, and the entire place is gorgeous. We thoroughly enjoyed having all of us together since that does not happen often. With Amanda 7 plus hours away in the Corpus area, it is difficult for all of us to meet at the same time. So, it was a very special Thanksgiving for us to remember.
My husband, Jim, is also doing fine. He continues to work from home with his own company in the web design, development and hosting business. It has been up and down this year with the economic situation all over. He has been fortunate to keep a few of his very best clients “on the books” for the most part. But, we are definitely in need of new clientele, and hoping they come along. He is working on a brand new website for our business, to help show potential clients that we are “rolling with the latest changes” that the internet world is making. He is including the “Apps” part of it, since  the I-pads, I-pods, the Kindles of the world (there are several), as well as “smart” phone technology has opened up an entire new world for being “online.”
2012 has been a busy year for us. I wonder why it has gone by so quickly. Then as I pen this, I can see it is because of just how busy life can keep us.

I hope for each of you, that 2012 has been equally busy full of positive things and brought a year of joy to all! I pray everyone is well, and looking forward to celebrating another New Year that is coming too quickly upon us. We all miss you, love you, and send our prayers and blessings with you. I bid us all the Peace within our hearts that shall remain, even though our world seems to be anything but peaceful around the globe. That is another letter all in itself, so I shall close for now...


Tell all of your families we love them! Merry Christmas! Happy 2013!!!

Life's Realm of Disdain When you are Chronically Ill

I had a really rough day yesterday. It was just one of those that I really first of all had way too many things to do, and not enough time to do them. PLus I am in a slump over the entire book situation. I am sad that no one has bothered to even go there and give me a "Like". At least I thought my friends would go and read a few of my poems and do that. I am not talking about buying the book, but you can now read a few of them, and make your decision from those. Thus maybe many have read them, and they do NOT like them. So, no "thumbs up" I am also very tore up over what I feel is the way I look and I think I have gained way too much weight. And telling me it is meds does not cut it. I watch what I eat to the "Nth" degree. I exercise everyday religiously. I do not eat a bunch of stuff between meals, and still when I look in the mirror I see it on me. It seems it shifted from one place to my butt to be honest. I went to try on a pair of "skinny jeans", and my butt looked like one of those "shelf" butts as I call them. I cannot explain after so many years of having to watch every bite, exercise avidly, then get diagnosed with these horrible diseases that cause you to have to take medications that change your body sometimes horribly. I am not saying I have put on tens and tens of pounds. But, I have put on enough as far as I am concerned that it is noticeable. Then I cannot seem to get into the "rhythm" of Xmas and the holidays. I don't even have my tree and lights up. I haven't done my decorations for the cemetery for Dad and my Grand Parents graves. I have not even written my "annual Xmas letter" or for sure even know what the hell we are doing for Xmas. I just feel I am behind on everything, and even though I am running and running, doing and doing, it is just not enough. Everything takes me 3 times as long to do, even getting my own self dressed. Now I have a dentist appt that I must go. I have a tooth in the very front that is "sluffing" off on one corner. I never would deal with that tooth being really messed up. I feel badly enough about the way my appearance is now. I now have had to kind of put my entire "book" on hold. I wanted to get the articles in the paper, etc. while it is new! The longer I wait, the less exciting it will be and will be kind of like "old news" before it even gets there. I need to run here there and yonder again today. I am exhausted already and the day has not even begun. Everything is important so it is not like I can "not do" this or that. It all needs to be done... and that does not even include re-potting some plants, doing the regular housework, and all of the daily stuff that also goes along with a home, a house, and keeping up with it all.  I am really just beaten and broken down emotionally right now. I am also upset over what I feel is a friend, that has "used" me, and won't admit it. They are and have been, and I think they know they have... anyway, I am extremely upset over that also... then my Grand son and it is the youngest one who is only 3 is very ill. His asthma has quickly turned into being so serious that he may have to be hospitalized today. I am up here 7 hours away plus and feel just horrible and guilty that I can't be closer or there to help my daughter. She is tired, fearful, and really needs a break. Plus my Grand son is going through his own hell, with all of the medications, being sick, can't sleep etc... which is horrible for any child, especially one that young... So, all of it is just piling up and it is weighing my entire entity down.... Just wanted to share in case I seem quiet, or I am not here as much.