Showing posts with label #Rheumatoid Arthritis #arthritis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #Rheumatoid Arthritis #arthritis. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 29, 2025

MY VISION FOR THE FUTURE OF RHEUMATIC DISEASES AND MY PERSONAL STORY

 


MY VISION FOR THE FUTURE OF RHEUMATIC DISEASES AND MY PERSONAL STORY


I FINALLY got a proper diagnosis, and after the surgeons saw the actual joints, they saw this was not due to injury but was absolutely an arthritic issues that were then also not just osteoarthritis but Rheumatoid Arthritis. I also found out when I had an injury at 14 years old during a friendly game of baseball with my cousins and some friends. One of the guys accidentally slid into 2nd base and twisted my knee; I had torn cartilage. Years later, one of my orthopedic surgeons mentioned that if they had KNOWN about these diseases back then, they may have known it was more than just a kid's accident. My joints hyper-extend. That was probably the reason my knee was torn up from that. I noticed after that that my joints were all hyperextending. So many of us have the same stories, and like myself, many of us have never seen RA, Lupus, and of course, Osteoporosis has never gone into remission. Lupus goes into remission for months, only to rear its ugly head again. As far as the RA, I have always had activity, at times worse than others. NO biologic, nor any other medication they have tried, has worked.  I believe Osteoporosis is related to autoimmune issues. It certainly has caused me lots of grief due to NOT being able to have surgery to repair my lower back, to redo my right shoulder reverse replacement, and now my left thumb, wrist, and fingers are beyond repair. I saw my Orthopedic surgeon a week ago. Even HE feels it may not be feasible to do hand surgery. He also could NOT replace the first reverse shoulder replacement. After I fractured my scapula, my collarbone was broken in two pieces, and I fractured two ribs. I did NOT know the ribs were fractured until they did a CT scan 8 weeks after I fell, and saw the collarbone and shoulder blade were still fractured. They repaired the collarbone, and it looks hideous, but they could NOT repair my shoulder blade, so it is still never unionized. My ribs, of course, healed, but my right shoulder hangs 3 to 4 inches LOWER than my left one. He could NOT replace the first shoulder replacement due to no rotator cuff at all, plus my bones are so porous from the osteoporosis that the hardware would not hold. #MYDREAM is to see a "root cause" discovered for these rheumatic diseases and all autoimmune illnesses, and a total cure in the future for those who have them. I want to know that the future for children does NOT have to be like how many of us suffer and continue to try and find remission or a total cure.





I usually don't speak about "government" much. Everyone has the right to their own thoughts on Religion and Politics. However, when it comes to the health of our people, I will discuss my stance. This is a SERIOUS and VITAL issue from our Seniors to our Children!

We have spent all of our lives thinking doctors, Big Pharma, the CDC, HHS, the FDA, and ALL of our government were trying to help us fight so many crippling illnesses and deadly diseases.

Over twenty years ago, I KNEW SOMETHING WAS VERY WRONG WITH OUR WESTERN Medical system. I have fought my own health problems since I was 17 years old. When I was 35 years old, I had had enough. I  never knew exactly HOW TO SPEAK OUT about what I learned from my own experiences; along wth MANY others after I began to see social media and what a nightmare people have with our mainstream medical society.

We have been lied to, deceived, ignored, told we were insane, we were hypochondriacs, and DOCTORS were those TRAINED. It has taken all of my life so far for the TRUTH to begin to come out finally. The fight against deception began when people started to see it and had their eyes opened. We had non-profits formed that PATIENTS staffed, and those fed up with all we have had to put up with. We saw patients become leaders, to be volunteers, Ambassadors, to reach out and go to Washington D.C. to STAND UP AND TELL THEIR STORIES!

I was just ONE of the thousands who have stood in the offices and halls of Congress and told the government our stories. I literally watched my House of Representatives from my district CRY after I stood in front of them and told my journey through the pits of Hades when it came to disease illnesses, surgeries, medications, and ran the gamut OF TESTS, SPECIALISTS, AND TREATMENTS that didn't and continue to "POISON" US RATHER THAN keep us healthy. I had the misconception that doctors were educated to keep us healthy. They were not here to wait until we are critically ill, then throw medications, treatments, and pills that do not work. In fact, if you research most medications we are given for certain conditions, they make us more ill due to side effects that are often worse than the illness itself.

Three years ago, after voting every year since I was voting age, I STOPPED! WHY? Because I knew my "vote" counted for nothing. Our "voting" system is archaic and worthless. It is NOT here to help the people; it's here to keep many lining their pockets with our hard-earned money.

My thoughts are my "voice" among many other voices through volunteering, non-profits, research, and speaking out; this is what may make a difference, rather than a worthless vote.

I wrote my first book, and I joined the voices of several NON-PROFITS TO USE THE KNOWLEDGE AND terrible experiences I HAD BEEN through to CONTINUE TO SPEAK OUT. My voice is present on social media networks, my own blog, in my writing, and even face-to-face with those I meet in my hometown.

MY HOPE is that others will have their head taken out of the sand, and stand UP for their own health, along with so many that suffer with often disabling, debilitating, AND EVEN DEADLY ILLNESSES.

I have learned to speak out if I am not in agreement with my health care providers. I have the opportunity to tell my story anywhere I can.  I have found alternative health methods that can benefit us without side effects, hair loss, or exacerbating our existing health issues. YOU and your insurance, IF you have it, and it helps YOU

I never settle for what my medical folks tell me. I research, I question, I tell them exactly how I feel. The older physicians may not like what we have to say. They want to blame "Google", social media, and the internet for our "often different ways of thinking." YES, that is true. We have to dissect the information we find. We need to research every place we come across. We ask questions. We read what our non-profits find. We do not fall for all the bogus information we come across. So, when a doctor says you can't believe everything you read on "DR. Google," I say I don't! I DO research every test, every medication, every surgery (unless a true emergency), and I can't at the moment."

IF I offend one of my doctors who should listen to us, then if they have a specific reason for not agreeing with us, they should EXPLAIN their reasoning. Your doctor should never "gaslight us." If you have not researched medical GASLIGHTING, I SUGGEST YOU DO. IT EXISTS. You may never realize what is happening. We were taught THE DOCTOR IS ALWAYS CORRECT. That is NOT true! They are human too. They make mistakes. They have also been given schooling, training, and listened to Big Pharma, our insurance companies, and the government.

I have witnessed medical gaslighting myself more than once. When a doctor dismisses your questions, tells you that you are a hypochondriac, YOU do not KNOW WHAT YOU are talking ABOUT, QUIT BELIEVING DR. GOOGLE, not calling in medications on time, doing procedures and treatments that are not what we need, and even surgeries that could have been avoided, and even uddenly "firing us" as a patient for no good reason... THAT IS A PART OF MEDICAL GASLIGHTING.

Doctors who overload schedules, keep you sitting in a tiny room for HOURS waiting on them, are often ridiculous! OUR TIME is just as crucial as a doctor's. Sometimes emergencies happen. I've learned that if I am waiting in the room for a physician for over 2 hours, I get up, reschedule, and leave. I have recently done it twice. Bless my PCP heart. He genuinely cares so much; he often doesn't overbook, but he believes in spending enough time with a patient. Fortunately, I can ask him questions through the patient portal or share new information with him via message. He then has the information he needs for my visit. Or I do not have to make a trip for an office visit. He can answer my question or, at times, call in a script or have the nurse give me an injection for the Lupus/RA flares without having to see him.

The last time I finally got up and rescheduled, I had been sitting in the exam room for 3 hours. It was late in the afternoon, and he was still tied up with a patient, and my chart takes time to go through before an appointment. He never gets upset and understands. Due to chronic pain, if I have to wait too long, their office is like a freezer. The chairs provided for patients are incredibly uncomfortable. When I start to feel pain, need to get up and move around, or am so cold that it worsens the pain, and it's been over 2 hours, I reschedule. It happened to me twice 2 months ago. I left both times. It worked out.
The visit was to review my lab work, discuss my health conditions, address any new developments, and answer questions. If it is urgent, he usually has one of his NPs to take. LOOK at me. He usually KNOWS, UNLESS IT IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE. THEY KNOW THEY CAN WRITE THE SCRIPT IF I NEED AN ANTIBIOTIC AND SO FORTH. I AM IN AND out quickly. I've been a patient of his for 2 months since he came here. He has diagnosed me with things that others told me I did not have. He has been my PCP for 18 years. I can sometimes call or send a message with my symptoms and what's going on, and he can send in a script or decide if I need to be seen. He knows me so well, and he knows I usually know exactly what is wrong, so it saves me having to get out, go to an office when I am really FEELING TOO LOUSY TO GET OUT. He knows if I feel I need to be seen, I'll go in if necessary.

Recently, I found out about RFK, Jr. since he was elected to the HHS. I started listening to what he has to say, how he feels about our antiquated, totally messed-up medical system. He has spoken out about the FDA, CDC, Big Pharma, and how MONEY is what they want. They do not wish to keep us well. They would lose their shirts. Their MONEY would dry up. In other words, GREED rules our Big Pharma, and the governmental bodies put in place to keep us well. If they were to keep us well, we would not need statins, blood pressure medications, cancer medications, and autoimmune medications, which are off the charts!

He had written several books. One of them is about the "Wuhan lies" regarding COVID-19.

Of course, some of the others in the government want him out. They want to squelch his voice. After all, their funds would dwindle.

SO, THIS MORNING, I AM SPEAKING OUT! I am continuing to research HIS thoughts and THE BILLS he believes in. He certainly does not support our president's opinions.

Please don't give me grief about speaking out. My reasons are for each of you...



Saturday, September 26, 2020

More "SPAM" calls than ever, "waiver temporarily of registration in TX on title renewals, fed up with my doctor (rheumy) & as the "World of Rhia" turns

           DOES IT EVER END????


From COVID, to sudden doctors acting "odd" (my Rheumatologist), to so much pain, weather changes, MORE "new normal or temporary changes due to this Pandemic... and as the "World of rhia and COVD turns....

(BY THE WAY I HAVE PICKED NAME(S) FOR MY BOOK(S) I AM WRITING ON THE PANDEMIC!

Talk ABOUT A WASTE OF MY TIME & MONEY! HE WAS MORE "WORRIED" OVER THE THING THAT HAPPENED ON LABOR DAY WITH THE PERSON IN VA.. than he was with me... 


... All of a sudden he seemed to act as if "he was not sure" about my diagnosis!!! AFTER 10 YEARS NOW OF SEEING ME AND THE CRAP I HAVE AND AM STILL GOING THROUGH WITH ALL OF THE JOINTS, SWELLING PAIN, LOSING USE OF MY HANDS FINGERS BAND SO ON... I got "no answers" other than "more lab work" well hell we just ran THOSE EXACT SAME TESTS ON 9/8/20 THE 1 THING I USED TO LIKE ABOUT HIM HE DID NOT PLACE "EVERYTHING" ON LABS.. LIKE SOME DOCTORS.. NOT ALL Lab work can "tell the story" same way I've been through more CT Scans that "look" one way,, then they do surgery to find out that joint WAS MUCH MUCH WORSE THAN SOME CT SCAN WAS SHOWING!!!

 I am FED UP!!! with ALL doctors!!!!! NOT ONE TIME have they done a CT, X-ray or when I could have other tests the may not show how bad it was... until I was in such pain I was just going nuts.. they surgery and find iust things are much worse than some a lady just talked about going through 7 doctors or so, and many tests and they kept telling her"nothing" was wrong..she..finally she went to the cancer hospital either in Houston or up in OK, and they found out she did have cancer and those oncologists DID find it & CURED HER! I am just fed up further than I can even talk about!

It is time for US to STAND UP FOR ALL WE BELIEVE IN & NOT allow the "bad guys" to win! We never KNOW from 1 MOMENT to the NEXT how many "moments" we have left, thus loving, giving of self, voicing your opinion in the right and honorable way, do your part by voting, support family, friends, and those who have been through fires, hurricanes, COVID-19 more than ever, now the upcoming FLU,

 I HOPE MY KIDS and FAMILY do KNOW I LOVE them WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL! I WOULD TO ANYTHING TO CARE FOR THEM AND MAKE SURE THEY ARE WELL, SAFE, & OUT OF HARM'S WAY TO THE EXTENT I CAN... AND THAT INCLUDES SEVERAL CLOSE FRIENDS OTHERS IN LIFE THAT HAVE BEEN THERE FOR ME WHEN NO ONE ELSE WAS OR COULD BE. WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO GET ALONG ALL OF US, NO MATTER YOUR OCCUPATION, YOUR NATIONALITY, WHERE YOU LIVE, HOW YOU DRESS, HOW MANY CARS YOU HAVE, OR OW LARGE YOUR HOME IS THE FIGHTING AND ACTS OF violence ARE DOING NOTHING BUT TEACHING OUR OWN KIDS IT'S "OKAY" TO HARM SOMEONE, DUE TO THEIR CLOTHES OR THE WAY THEY SPEAK... 

TEASING SOMEONE ABOUT THEIR HOME, OR WHAT THEY EAT FOR LUNCH HARMS THAT PERSON & YOURSELF.. AND WHAT "PARTY" YOU "BELONG" TO DOES NOT DO A THING FOR OUR NATION.. IT IS THE PERSON IN THOSE POSITIONS OF OUR GOVERNMENT THAT MAKE THE DIFFERENCE. I just saw an email where kids are TEASING kids with "Acne"... how horrible is that? Rather than "demean" them find a way to help instead. It could be you!

Has anyone gotten their renewal for their car? It is rather confusing... usually ( and the regular form is in there) we have about a month ahead to take car of it getting inspected, and then can finish u the registration in person, online or in btheb mail which are all "usual" ways. This time mine hada note in it about COVID and giving us like an "extra" month or actually "temporarily suspended"nto do this. But, they also now are offering all different licence plates & get a different plate for a "50.00 off rebate" (go figure) I am just confused as to what to do and how... I guess the beat thing is to see if they have UPDATED THINGS ONLINE BEFORE "JUMPING IN".... online@www.texas.gov

Monday, September 7, 2015

More on the "Abscess, Cellulitis, autoimmune complications, does our water contain something making us sick, Biologicals, stomach upsets, RA, Lupus and when do it EVER END???!

Thanks Denise Tekell and Yes Nancy Hershelman Gipson this "thing" that began as a lump on my thigh has turned into yet another one of my difficult situations, that sometimes even the doctors are not sure the "why", when or how of it all. What makes it worse is that I have not really said much to the doctors that is, about the "lump" on the other thigh... I cannot fathom how I would have "two" abscesses, in almost the same location, yet one on each thigh... unless as I had suspected, it has something to do with my biologic Orencia injections. I take them at just about where these lumps originated. So, some where I have this gut feeling, those needles from that batch of Orencia, were contaminated... I "thought" originally that this one that now has turned into an abscess... I had gotten a very tiny sliver of wood in it. I had a very small kind of gray looking spot come up, that kind of appeared to be like what you see after something such as a splinter gets in to your skin... it seemed to be a tiny bit of trying to get infected... I kept working with it, keeping it clean, and finally I thought got out a very, very tiny almost little sticker out of it. At that time, there was just a very little bit of stuff that was a bit yellow that also came out with it. But, I cleaned it up put Neosporin on it, covered it with a band aid, and in a couple of days, it seemed to close over and be well. It was about 7 days or so before this other "lump" began to form, and it was actually a bit above where that sticker was... not really right on that area. I did not give it much mind, until I noticed not only did the lump get "sore" it was getting larger. By the time I finally decided it needed to be seen about... it was just a lump, no redness or anything visible on the outside of the skin, just the lump that was then about the size of a silver dollar or maybe a bit larger. I went into my PCP, he took one look at it, and knowing my health issues, said it was cellulitis, and he immediately started me on TWO different antibiotics... I found out one for staph and one for strep... which would be the way to do it, especially with my immune system so compromised. ell, I took those for 7 days, and even though it got smaller, it left almost harder, so I called him, and he put me on a 2nd round of the same antibiotics... well 7 days later, the lump did not shrink anymore, plus it began to be sore, to the touch, so I went in that time, he said, of course my immune system still was not able to fight it off enough, so he did one more rounds of the same antibiotics, and said if there was no improvement, he wanted a surgeon to remove that lump and have it tested to see exactly what we were dealing with. Well, I went through hell and back trying to find a surgeon fairly close that took my insurance. I finally did, but he could not see me for like 10 days, and by now the lump began to show OUTER problems, with redness on it, even more sore, and seemed to be almost "swollen" around the lump.. So, that was a week ago last Friday... again I called me PCP told him that now it was showing outward signs of infection, and told him the surgeon would not be able to see him for another week, and I was very concerned... so he put me on one more round of antibiotics until last Friday, when I went to the surgeon. He came in took one look at it, and said it was an "abscess" that needed to be "cut open" to drain, and sure enough, after I almost fainted from the pain of the damned Lidocaine injections to just deaden it, which they hurt and stung like HELL!! Then even with the deadening, I could feel it when he was putting Q-tips inside of that opening to clean out all he could get out... he then proceeded to tell me he was going to "pack" it, and I needed to remove the packing the next day, and at least twice daily remove the bandages, clean it with Q-tips dipped in peroxide and he said I could just put a large band aid on it... on heck no... it is still so sore, I don't dare NOT cover it was gauze pads and medical paper tape... I can have pain with it, just walking, much less if I were to accidentally hit it etc... Of course you saw the photo's I took those yesterday.... and today it almost looks "worse" to be than better... but I really am not sure, so I've been doing exactly as he told me... and it still has a huge hole in there, that is as wide as the top portion of my little finger, and is at least that deep... and the length is almost1 1/2 inches or more... enough that I can get 3 Q-tips or 4 in it at once, and I still almost feel as if I am hitting "bone" at the bottom... I see him Wednesday... to hopefully find out "what" was in it, and maybe why... but also figure out if this other one is the same thing, or something entirely different... Needless to say, between that stupid thing, my Tazz, my Pug has been sick to her stomach, I've had to cut her down to eating a bit of white rice, a bit of yogurt, and drink....and I got sick before going to church yesterday morning and have no cue why... I "felt" fine, I thought, got dressed, did my makeup, had my hair looking okay, and just about 10 minutes before I walked out of the house, it was like my stomach "flipped" 2 or 3 times... and I was running for the bathroom, sick to my stomach, almost got my dress messed up and wound up taking meds for my stomach and staying at home yesterday... in fact I needed to run out quickly, grab some more gauze pads for my leg, and get a "coke" which settles my stomach, and I thought again I was fine, but about the time I was pulling onto my street to get to my house, I almost did not make it.... I ran in and again was sick to my stomach... just insane ... and my Mom has been having the same issues off and on now for weeks too... I've even changed over to bottled purified water for now, thinking it is a bacteria in the water... it can happen this time of year, and in fact there must be something going on with our water... because there was an article in our local paper Saturday, about they were going to do some "testing" and it may have a "bleach type of smell" and for those who put it into medical devices, may want to use bottled water for a few days, like dialysis machines and so forth.... So, now my RA etc is acting up, due to fearing to even attempt to take my Biologic - plus my Rheumy is trying to get me switched over to Xeljanz, so I would not be able to take it and the Orencia... it is just a living hellish nightmare, all ofit....

Friday, April 3, 2015

Sharing More About My Pathway to being An Autoimmune "Voice" Activist, doing Advocacy & being An Ambassador for AI's - A Long Journey...

I am WAITING "patiently". I am supposed to get a huge "suprise" goody box from the Arthritis Foundation. Since I was not able to attend the Summit, they are sending me my "Platinum Ambassador" certificate, along with some other things from the Summit!!! Hopefully another reusable bag, so I can "advertise" plus maybe a T-Shirt smile emoticon I hope. We got them last year, so maybe that will be with some of the rest of it... I will take a picture after I get it so everyone can see what kinds of things I got.... I am still so totally bummed about not getting to go to DC I pray and pray, I will get another chance in the future! :):) I certainly hope so... being in DC for me, is the ultimate "advocacy" way to get your message across... I did last year in 2014... and even though I didn't get to go physically this past time, my heart, soul and spirit were there and I was "tweeting", blogging and posting everything I could to help spread the word!

I will have more and better pics in a bit.. my battery on my camera needs charging. But, here is a portion of the awesome box I received yesterday from The Grassroots Manager at the Arthritis Foundation!!!! Even though I did not make it to DC this year and be awarded my plaque in person, I hope next year to go one way or the other... I was so surprised and honored to receive this!
  • I am going to post a photo a bit later of ALL of my incredible things I received from the Arthritis Foundation. I was so thrilled when it came yesterday afternoon! I received my "Official Plaque" for being a 20014 "Platinum Ambassador", a new T-Shirt from the new Summit, several buttons I can wear, a "stress" ball, an awesome "reusable" bag!! This one has zipper pockets, and is lined very well in heavy plastic, with the whole logo on it from the summit. It is really awesome! I also got the brand new 2015 Ambassador "Too; lit", which is so nice. I have it downloaded onto my computer, but this one is so cool. It is in a beautiful bound booklet, with all of the "colorful" logos etc used this year for the Summit. By the way, it is "green" this year and so it my new T-Shirt! I am just so happy I received it with a beautiful note written by the "grassroots manager" who is just a real sweetheart! Laura has been almost like a "mentor" to me in so many wonderful ways. Also, last year along the way, we became "friends". I learned a great deal about her on more of a personal level and we shared things back and forth over the year about the Arthritis Foundation, but also what we had going on more about our own lives. I have truly been blessed to have her kind of take me under her wing. She was the person that helped to get me home, in the last years Summit of 2014, when Jim had the severe and very bad car accident at the last of the Summit. Her and Chris Nieto will always remain extremely special to me on many, many ways. I thank the Lord for them each day, and all of the help. compassion, support, and so much more they gave to me during that "trying time". Those times when life can all of a sudden within a breaths space throw a curve ball at you 90 MPH, & hit you right in the gut with full force. I am so indebted to both of them, plus the Arthritis Foundation; along with several others that gave me the support I needed when literally my knees buckled under the weight of way too much "life tragedy" when I least expected it. Pam Gill from the Central AF also was a huge help, and so many of the advocates, and my "family here on FB" were here day after day during those trying times when he was in the hospital for over 3 months. I never thought our lives would ever see anything
    "normal" again. As I said before, and we continue to see it, a "new normal" whatever that might be in our lives now. Denise Tekell you have also been here to listen, encourage, support, & be such a very dear, dear friend even though you are going through a very difficult time in your own life. I admire you so very much, for the strength you show, for your tenacity to find your way through such again a time when life seems to be so turned upside down for you and your family. Yet, you always have a smile on your face, no matter the amount of pain, and of fatigue, & all kinds of health issues you are dealing with, you have a kind word for us no matter what life is also pitching at you also, at a pace so fast, sometimes we find ourselves almost unable to "dodge" it. So many of you here have lifted myself and Jim up in thought, positive light and prayers. I hope EACH and everyone of you (and you know who you are) always KNOW and TRUST we are so blessed and so very grateful to have you on our fighting side of life, when it decides to deem a rapid punch when you least expect it. As I finish up "HOPEFULLY" over a YEAR of the NIGHTMARE from the Sjogren's and Losing ALL OF MY TEETH to that horrid disease, and Hope for these "mini titanium pins" will continue to help give me the added support I so desperately need in order to hold these bottom dentures in place, only to now fight another battle of a "new pain" - well it is not so "new" but much worse than it had been in my lower back, hips and legs. I am still not so sure my hips are also a part of the problem. In fact I am going to call my orthopedic surgeon and make an appointment to see him hopefully ASAP and see about having my hips injected again very soon. So, once again I face a "new frontier" in this battle of autoimmune illnesses. They can cut you down much faster than you can get up all too often... more later...
  • I am sure (Jim and I in fact talked about this yesterday) that at times people probably wonder If I have lost my mind.... Well, I didn't have a whole lot to lose, since over the years many things have certainly waxed and waned me in life. At one time, before I got into the "advocacy" work, and before I got "chronically ill"... my "voice" in my writing and some volunteer work was for "battered and abused" women (men kids etc)... but mainly women. Due to a couple of events that happened to me as a teenager, that I never spoke of here in this town at all, along with the living hell of an extremely abusive marriage that I stayed in WAY TOO LONG, before I finally decided to leave the entire state of TX behind... and find "peace" somewhere else.. which at first I thought was Lancaster CA, then things happened, I had to move back to TX, and again put up with the mental, emotional and physical abuse of someone who was "supposed to love me".... I had a knee operated on... and when it was well enough, I moved to Seattle WA... there of which I thought I had found my "life"... and I did in many ways. I loved my job there, and I was basically more "healthy" that I had been in years and years. Then I was struck down with yet some more abuse, that I got out of very quickly. It was not long until I began to I am sure now have the sign and symptoms of what I now know is the Lupus, RA, Sjogrens and so forth ... so due to life's changing path, just as a river can change course my life led me back here, to where I grew up... and at first I was angry... I was ANGRY AND MAD AS HELL! To be quite honest. That was the last thing I wanted to do. But I did miss my Mom and kids... thus coming back was a good thing... As far as the "abuser" he wound up in jail for a long time right after me moving back. So, that kept him out of my life... and after that, he has left me, (us) alone for the most part. Thank goodness. Back before I moved to Seattle, due to mainly "hiding" to keep from being abused (I was 40 at the time) many thought I was the one insane, on drugs, etc... no one was ever told the truth at that time... i hid it, kept it inside because I knew no one would believe me then. They would assume and did, that I was the one with "the problem". Later it all came out, and when that happened it stopped many years of gossip, pain, and others thinking I was nuts. Anyway, My advocacy, writing, poetry and so forth for many years had always been about the abuse, how to get out, how to get help, and so on... then it took a new twist after I became so chronically ill. During my "research" of what all of these "diseases" were doing to my body, I saw much that "called me into" the activist work. I wanted to TELL THE ENTIRE WORLD that I, THAT WE... all of us NEEDED ASSISTANCE.. we needed a cure, a reason why, MORE RESEARCH, more of everything, and I so wanted to be a part of that change.... thus my own illness led me to this road of being an Ambassador... and the challenge of trying to "make a difference"... but when the ordeal with Jim happened a year ago, things truly changed again... what many DO NOT SEE, are the days, times, moments, sometimes a week or two, that I DO FALL APART... I do want to just say to hell with it and quit... I don't want to make another step, see another doctor, take another pill, and at times I am truly SICK OF BEING SICK FOR ONE... AND #2 i am SICK OF ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT BEING SICK!! So, I like you try to hold onto one moment, one hour, one day, one month... and step forward sometimes to an abyss of the unknown... and allow "faith" to lead me where I need to go... Even now, I know in my heart, if I ever intend of being SERIOUS about WRITING my BOOK, I am going to have to "cut back" on some of my other advocacy work... as much as I never wanted to even think that, much less have to honestly deal with it. I am under way too much "pressure and stress"... I've always been a "yes" person... someone asks me to "help" and of course I am always willing and ready to step up to the plate and do whatever it takes... but between my own "all terrain" keeper of our domain, in other words, taking care of the WHOLE HOME, all of it... and then so much with Mom, that she honestly cannot do on her own... and my own illness, I am still way too overloaded to find the time to write, to blog, and to do the other things I feel that are also my "calling"....So, as much as I don't want to, I am going to have to back out of some of the activism for now. I can always pick it back up later.... but for now, I feel my work on my book, our home, and Mom's things... as well as my own health has to take precedence over some of the other things I have been participating in... So, as in the next couple of days, I make that decision of what to "hold onto" for now, and what to "bow out of" for now... pray I am making the right decisions and I am doing what "His" Will is, not just my own... so this is a perfect "holiday" to "roll away the stone"... and find out what is "truly meant for me to do over the next year or so"... I pray and hope for guidance, because Lord knows I may mess it up on my own.... Hugs back and much love.