It's been a while since I've been able to think about what I needed to say here. After my last what I thought was the Love of my life, walked out and the "checked out" leaving me here to wonder why; to pick up the pieces of my own broken heart, soul, and try to face the fear of even leaving my house to allow anyone to see "me" like this.
I've been "broken" before.... by illness, by others walking out without reason, for trying to survive. So many call me "brave", a survivor. Yet, they don't see the scars, on my body, but worse those on my heart, soul and mind. These days the fear fueled by not only my own illnesses that more than once damned near killed me, but then COVID-19 ONLY FUELED that reasoning for hiding, for staying at home, for hiding behind the mask literally. I am much to scared and scarred to allow anyone in again.
I am too frightened of what someone may do if they see what the heck I truly look like now. So many surgeries, scars from the past and now even present. But, moreover the internal pain, fear, and scars that are deep seeded in my mind. What I SEE when I gaze into the mirror, what shadow of a slight person looks back at me. Just when one thing seems to get better, suddenly something else appears. All too often doctors can't explain what I have. They can't give me a reason or rhyme for what suddenly appears out of the black ink darkness of chronic illnesses. They don't know, often WE as patients know more about why, what, and how we find ourselves ill with something else
So much of me can be explained by music, by lyrics, my about the only thing that motivates me anymore. I know I am NOT alone. So MANY of us from all over the USA and the world suffer, are driven to so many doctors, medications and yet we find no answers. Only more questions.
As Keith Urban's Lyrics, "What if I Fall, What if I Cry, And if I get scared, and WHO is my "Fighter"... nowadays my only "Fighter" is myself.