Dealing With Lupus, Doctors, Symptoms, & the "Thrill" of It All...

As I began writing this very early this morning, rather than becoming a "short post" for Facebook to a few of my friends there, asking for their thoughts and prayers today, it became apparent to me, that this is a post for my blog. I am supposed to be "sharing" my walk through the destiny, the unknown, the voracity of the entire situation when it comes to dealing with Chronic Illnesses and the Pain of it all.
When I say pain, I can of course guarantee I mean "physical" pain. There would be no other way to get around the majority of these disabling illnesses than to say they cause more than just a bit of pain at times. There is much more though involved when I say "pain" as we deal with these life altering, wretched types of sickness, that plague the body, mind and the spirit, sometimes spirit being the optimal word! There maybe days, weeks or even possibly months, I go without a huge "flare" that involves a great deal of physical pain. I have been fairly fortunate up until about 9 weeks ago, to have had much relief from the physical pain due to the pain pump internally, the other RA medications I take by injection, the oral medications I take daily, plus two pills for pain I am allowed over and above it all daily, if I have a bought of "break through" pain. When I am out of a flare mode, for the most part, unless we partake in some of the extremely crazy types of weather we have been having this past couple of months, the pain stays at bay enough that I can deal with it. Do NOT get me WRONG, though! PAIN never GOES COMPLETELY AWAY! You can find your place hopefully in the ordeal of medications, treatments, exercises, and taking care of yourself that pain can be manipulated down to a manageable level. But, for the most part of my life, I have some type of physical pain daily. It may not even be enough to mention, but under neath it all, it lies waiting, ready to pounce, and drag you around like a mountain lion on a goat. It is never more than an arms length away, and any of us that can say differently are the extremely lucky ones. I feel I am very fortunate because I had mine under control for about 4 years. As I said, I still have bad flares, I still have some severe pain, enough to send me screaming into the night at times, but I have had to learn to deal with it, and make peace with it, just to survive mentally.
Yet, when it comes to the emotional burdens, the toil the mental anguish these illnesses take upon us, then you are opening a whole new can of hell at times. As the physical toll of pain takes you under, the mental portion just becomes almost too much to bear. It is a vicious circle, that over and over again, collides into each other, bearing your soul, to what I feel sometimes is like pouring acid on a marshmallow. You cannot avoid it, you can as much as possible deal with it, but it is going to put you on the couch, in the bed, in the hospital, at the doctor, something, sometimes, when you least expect it.
That is some of what I am dealing with now. The physical pain is horrendous these days. It has been, and not just for myself but for many others suffering these straight jacket types of illnesses.. in other words, It is a wonder we are not in straight jackets at times. The weather extremes and the craziness of it all has not helped whatsoever. That truly makes it terrible on the bones, joints, any kind of illness like arthritis, RA, or any that effect those elements of the body. Nerves seem to become inflamed. and honestly, any type of inflammatory process that is in the body tends to be much worse during the high humidity, dramatic changes of pressure, large fronts that come in and hit to make things go from hot or cold to the opposite quickly, and so forth. Those with osteoarthritis, which is as painful as hell also, tends to act up with dramatic weather changes also. Migraine headaches, and so forth. So no wonder if you already have "connective tissue" issues, then the inflammation is going to be painful, stiff, swollen, feverish, and hard to put up with. When that cycle begins and you have no relief from it, it takes its toll on your entire existence. Your body, your mind, your stamina, your attitude, everything is effected, and usually not in a good way. o, as I go on to post the bottom of this, which was what I put on my FB page asking for friends to keep me in their minds and prayers today, I pray you will follow suit if possible, and say a prayer for me, as I delve into the realms of hopefully finding out at least partially what the heck is happening to make me much worse right now. Thanks for all that read and "listen". Please reply!!! I would LOVE to HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS! Rhia

I am not sure to be thrilled this day is FINALLY HERE! Maybe I should dread it??!! My several month follow up is finally here today at noon with my PCP, who is also honestly my primary doctor that takes care of the Lupus end of my illnesses. He "Found" the Lupus issues, with careful listening of symptoms, and then he did all of the initial blood work that found the high ANA levels, and so forth to indicate autoimmune issues. For that I am grateful in many ways, that the "hunt" for years was over with, yet it has really been an uphill epic war on my body, spirit. and life ever since. From every physician on the Earth, to every symptom, all of the surgeries, complications, then to throw RA. Sjogren's, DJD, DDD, and the entire gamut of stuff "wrong", I truly am a complicated patient. I realize how fortunate I am to have him as a doctor that really is taking care of me as much as he does. All too often, especially those of us with extremely complicated health issues, and rare disorders, get kind of "kicked" to the curb, because I think doctors are frightened of us, mainly due to the amount of time we take up, and then having to watch so much that can happen to us quickly. As I have written down a very LONG LIST of things to discuss with him today, I realized that even my Rheumatologist, does not really "deal" with the other AI illnesses, not even the Lupus. My Rheumatologist is more on the RA side of it, and takes care of that portion of my illness. My PCP had already gotten my meds kind of in order, had my case kind of going all on the Lupus end. He just felt he was not as good on the portion of the latest RA meds, like Humira, Remicade, etc, and those that require injections or infusions. I am not sure I can even have any type of infusion in my home town, and plan to ask today. My issues are many this time. It seems since before Xmas, I began to either have a flare and the "flu" all at once, or they were pretty close together. Plus I had the added stress of the holidays, Mom's ordeal there just before Xmas, the her brother passing away, and I then got a kidney infection, and I think I probably put off going to my doctor way too long, even after I knew I may have an infection. My wide range of symptoms, and some of them also either new or much worse is nuts. My list is pages long, (small notebook pages) yet pages, some that are really upsetting me. So, since this appointment was originally set for this past Monday, and my doctor had to change because of his schedule, I pray they have given me a decent amount of time today. I have lots to discuss with him, and I intend on not being rushed out of the office, before I hope to have some answers, or at least some suggestions on things we can do, not do, change, etc. From this whole weight thing, not sure about that (as I have speculated, it could be medication/illness, but I just cannot fathom I would be putting on any weight due to my diet and exercising daily), to now "high blood sugar" issues that just reared their ugly head late last week, to worsening stiffness, pain, fatigue, all as if my medication from RA meds to this pain pump has just "quick working". My legs hurt constantly, my fingers and heels splitting open, my "Lupus Mask" worse, fatigue has been through the roof at times, and you name it, it has either gotten worse, or has began, and I had not had it before. The Double Vision issues, honestly are worse. ONLY when I sit down, get my head still, like to watch TV, but non the less, it is there, and not better. This other eye specialist could not see me until APRIL 4th!, and I made the appointment in November last year!!! IT is nuts. I do see my Rheumatologist next week, but with his sudden extreme changes in going into a "teaching" facility, only see patients part time, and doing research, his time is not what it was when he had his own office, and a staff that had been with him for 11 years. When he was there, patients were definitely priority, he took all the time we needed, he talked, he taught, he discussed, he listened.. He is still the best Rheumatologist I have ever seen as of yet, but due to his changes in his own practice and life, things also changed for us it appears as patients. Now I give him this, last time I went about 4 months ago, he had just moved, just started the research/teaching stuff, had an entire new staff, entire new office, building etc. So, I felt he was probably a tad bit out of his element still, and so was I as a patient. I was accustomed to the other way we did things, and it was much different at the new office for us also. Plus, you have to take the appointments you can get with him. Due to his limitations on seeing patients now (I was very lucky to even get to continue to see him honestly), sometimes it will be longer between visits, and trying to get messages to him could be different. Although I have had to call once since he moved, and I did get a call back quickly from the nurse, but it is just "different". All in all, what I am trying to spit out, or write out I guess, is that I am in a conundrum of emotions this morning. I am in dread, in fear, in relief, am not looking forward to this, am glad to hopefully get some answers, find some relief, and so forth. My mind and my body have ran the entire globe of mental, physical and emotional races in the past couple of days, and I am all over the board with concern, and hopefully some kind of relief. I fear some of this, I fear the answers, I fear NOT getting the answers... etc, and so on. SO, once again, I ask, I beg of each of you that read this to take mercy upon me today and pray that I get some kind of relief in all ways. I NEED answers, I need to get rid of some of this physical pain and fatigue. I need to KNOW no matter what it is WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG, if we can figure it out! I have researched everything I can think of to see if I can provide further insight as to what my symptoms might mean, and I hope my LIST will help somewhat. I do KNOW that if any DOCTOR can figure this out, or at least part of it, and then where to go from there, my PCP can. Bless his heart, he is an Angel send from Heaven for sure. So, wish me luck, keep me in your prayers, and know I am so very appreciative of all of you and your support....

Thursday Feb 7th 2013
So, here is the outcome from yesterday's journey to the doctor... I thought I would share. Still waiting on blood work, and so forth but at least I feel I got some things answered, or at least headed in the right direction...

 I know for myself, I often find it difficult to "gripe, whine, fuss and moan" here on the group. I guess I know there are so many of us in the same boat, and I hate to be a negative voice when I know we are trying to deal with pain, fatigue, illness and life, and try to get something positive out of this. Yet, I also have found that I can't just hide all of the bad stuff with my head in the sand, and not say something about all of that part also. It honestly has been an extremely difficult 8 weeks or so on myself, my husband and my Mom. All of those things, including the illness also effect us. Even my doctor yesterday, bless his heart, did not know about much of many of my latest issues, because rather than come and go to the office with a "same day" trip for several of these, I wanted to wait until I could have him "to myself" for a regular office visit. I knew I could then "pin him" down for a total visit, not just a PA (even though his PA's are extremely good), I knew he needed to hear a great deal of this directly from me. He was the one that began this "journey" with me first with his diagnosis of the Lupus, and so from day one, he has been with me through it all. He was of course just as mindful, compassionate, empathic, he listened, he discussed, he suggested, and he did all of the things we both felt maybe necessary to find out what is going on with me. He felt a severe flare of course is some of it. The double vision, he still thinks could be a "muscle" issue with my right eye, but wants me to let him know how a 2nd dose of corticosteroid that they gave me yesterday by injection effects it, if any. There is still a possibility I could have that Giant Cell Arteritis, and the prednisone, "hid" it basically in the biopsy. So, if anything like that was going on a very large dose like they gave me yesterday might really reverse the symptoms quickly. That is what they do for it anyway. Give you a very high dose of prednisone, but usually for a long length of time. Of course that is the other issue, the weight, and he feels part medication maybe, but could be Diabetes, which is also a huge possibility due to prednisone (odd how that drug is a miracle medication and the devil itself all at the same time). Plus my history, Dad had Diabetes, but late in life, thus I had not given it much thought until lately with the symptoms. Same also antibiotics can make blood sugar act up also, and I started those when that all happened, so could be another "link" to the chain of crap going on with me. He did do blood work. He took 4 tubes of blood. I had not really eaten anything, but I had creamer in my coffee, so doing a blood sugar testing probably would not do any good. But, he said we would look at that when this other comes back. He did screen my glucose levels, and did several other tests, so that will help find out whatever, if anything I hope is going on. Anyway, He is sending me to a neurologist quicker than waiting on that eye neuro specialist in April. He said we may be just not aiming at the right spot, but putting it off till April since it is worse is not what he wants to do. So, this is one way to check out to see if it has something more neurological, or if it is more eye, muscle etc related. LOL, fortunately I was his last patient before lunch. Good thing. My list was long, and he was not getting out of that room until I asked it all. He is really a blessing, and I am so glad he is right here only a few blocks away. He had already saved my life once, literally when I got so ill in 2010. I think without him I may be dead honestly.


SATURDAY FEBRUARY 9TH, 2013

LATEST INFORMATION AND UPDATE ON MY ISSUES WITH ILLNESS AND SEVERE PAIN...
To make sense of all of this post below, I will update you a little on my situation. The severe pain in my lower back, legs, ankles, severe headache, and just feeling like sitting down and kicking, crying and screaming has gotten worse. I have not slept now for very long at a time the past three nights. I  did finally decide after going over everything in the world both myself and my husband can think of, from running the gamut of possible bone cancer, Leukemia, Diabetic Neuropathy, Kidney Stones (still wondering on that one), and of course worsened flares of Lupus and/or RA, that another possibility was that my internally implanted pain pump device has somehow either slowed down, or is starting and stopping, etc... to cause me to at times be without much of the medication it is supposed to give me all the time in a steady tiny amount. Of course that would put me in a HUGE WORLD OF EXTREME PAIN, along with make me feel some of the other things that are going along with it. Well, I did my research, of course wondering if there has been times that these pumps some how malfunction, etc. and they do NOT warn like they are supposed to. Of course I have found several occasions that in fact it has happened. They are definitely designed with all kinds of fail safes, warnings etc, but they are machines, computers, they are "Man made", and anyone knows that a computer can do strange things, almost "human like", at times.
So, after reading that it is a possibly, although slim, still for me (MURPHY'S LAW) always, things like them NOT beeping, ticking, etc happen, batteries for some reason quit way early, the medication can "crystallize" and stop up the catheter, even infection, catheter just may be pinched, I mean there can be a number of things cause this issue, and I also have what is called a hand held device "PTM" where I can wirelessly hold it to the pump, and it does readings, I can also give myself an actual "bolus" (additional tiny amount) of scheduled medication twice daily, etc. So, this machine if something is wrong, SHOULD give some type of error message, but so far, nothing. "I" am not "ticking"... probably good thing if I decided to go somewhere... they might think I am some kind of "bomb" dammit... and this device is not showing an issue. So, I did put a call into my pain specialist on Thursday and left a very long, detailed voice mail for the main nurse that helps him with these pumps, and she is very aware of my situation, and knows if I am calling with something like this, I feel there could really be something very wrong. They know if I call, I am very concerned, because otherwise unless it is time to refill the pump, they do not hear from me at all. Thus, I knew my doctor did surgeries on Fridays. He is only in the office half a day on Fridays, and I was not sure I would even hear back at all. It did not dawn on me about the pump (even though I had been kind of "teasing" saying I think my pump quit, that is what it feels like, like I do not have ANY of the medication, at all, at times), until fairly late Thursday. But, As you can read below, I DID get a phone call back from this lady, who is a wonderful woman, that I know is doing and did do all she could yesterday, and she would have called me to let me know something different had there been something else my doctor or my person who handles my "pump" case from Medtronic say any different than I go in Monday at noon to see them.  She DID say she felt like something could BE wrong. That she knows me well enough that from all that I am saying, a problem could be occurring. I was a little upset that my doctor DID NOT want to see me yesterday. But, I also knew she may not have even been able to reach him due to surgery until very late yesterday, if at all. Thus, even the Medtronic rep may have been out of pocket etc... so I am doing all I can, to the best I can to try and not pull my legs and head off, and sit in the floor and scream... which would NOT help a thing. Thanks for listening... and I pray NO ONE goes through this again!! Whatever is wrong, I just want it found and see how we can stop this crap already!!!!

Post below continued from a Facebook post to a group I belong to with more information:

I did not get back here yesterday. I was just hurting so badly, there was no way I could even think about typing, heck even thinking for that matter. Well, as of an update. I DID GET A CALL BACK from my pain specialists head over the pain pumps etc. He was in surgery, which I knew he does surgeries on Fridays and usually is not in the office but half a day. She got my message but late Thursday rather than "earlier" as I had left it. Well, knowing that staff they did not get it to her even though I said URGENT! Now I know as far as her, it was URGENT when she heard my voice and I told her what was happening. They take me very seriously when I call in, because they know unless it is something I feel could be dire, I don't. She was in the process of getting a call into the Medtronic rep Julie (who was there when they installed the pump at the hospital and Medtronic is who made this one), to ask questions and tell her exactly what I said. I went through the entire gamut of flu, Lupus, Hell Jim and I think I could have bone cancer or something like that, have went to my PCP, have had blood work that is not back yet, have an appt with my Rheumy next Friday, on my birthday of all days!!! ALMOST a VALENTINE BABY! Anyway, She was also in the process of looking up the same things I was about the pump having issues before, and also getting a message over to my pain doctor who was in surgery. He does do surgery Fridays, and he usually refills pain pumps that need it then also. So, I know sometimes it is very late before he even is able to talk with her depending on what was happening. She had me on the top of the list. She DID AGREE that by everything I said, and the way the pain began etc... that even though she had not heard of it, that it sounded like it might be the pump, catheter something happening where at times I am not getting medication, or getting too little etc. Of course all of us know these things come with fail safe thing, but it can happen. The thing is supposed to ring, beep, tick, and then I have a hand held what they call a "PTM" monitor. I can wirelessly "talk" to the pump, so it will tell me supposedly if there was a problem. And I have checked it a 100 times, and it so far has not "warned" me as far as that stuff. Anyway, I have an appointment Monday early afternoon to see him. Of course she was trying to see if she could get him to possibly allow me more oral medication since I am in such extreme pain, or get the rep to possibly meet me and do a read out on this thing and see if there is an error they find etc. But, it may be anything or maybe it is NOT it at all. Who knows with me?????!! So, I did NOT hear back, thus I will see them first thing Monday after lunch. And if things get worse, change, etc. I will go to the ER, have them get hold of my PCP, call my pain specialist etc. Until then same thing I guess I am doing. Use what I have as I can, and try to keep myself doing whatever keeps them from putting me on this floor SCREAMING AND CRYING in pain!!! THANK GOD it so far is NOT all the time, BUT IT IS GETTING THERE. IT was more bad than good yesterday. So, that also scares me. I even thought about going to the ER and make them do a CT scan for kidney stones. Again IT almost felt like those but I also hurt all over, and have a bad headache at times also.

Hospitals, Over Worked and Under Worked Staff, and Nightmares...

When I saw this article, I thought about all of us that are chronically ill, and how we often make our way to the hospital one way or the other for surgeries, procedures and tests. We go sometimes more than others depending on our health matters, and nursing is a scary thing now. Nurses are so over worked, under staffed, honestly I think in ways not as educated (or kept up with the latest). and NOT PAID in many places as they should be. I have witnessed it myself on several occasions, and saw mistakes that were related to especially under staffing, and NON or not good communication through the nursing staff and physicians. This article was an eye opener and brought much to the table about just how bad this is and how it will only get worse unless something is done to stop it. After are some of my comments...
Of around 600 nurses who responded to Nursing Times online poll last week, 57% described their ward or unit as sometimes or always “dangerously understaffed”. In addition, 76% said they had witnessed what they considered to be “poor” care in their ward or unit over the past 12 months – of which nearly 30% said they seen it happen regularly. One respondent said: “It is becoming more and more stressful for a nurse to nurse. Safety is always at the forefront of my mind but it is becoming increasingly difficult to ensure that all patients are kept safe while in my care.” More than half, 55%, of respondents thought nursing was facing unfair criticism over standards as a result of previous well publicised failings at Mid Staffs. But most thought that while the Francis report would have a negative effect initially, generating more criticism, it would lead to positive changes in the long run – leading to better staffing and regulation. Nursing Times asked about a number of issues raised during the inquiry such as staffing, patient safety and culture. Overall, 73% of respondents said they had completed an incident form over the past 12 months because an adverse incident, or risk of one, had occurred. Worryingly, 76% said they had not received feedback or a response after submitting the form. This reflects evidence heard by the inquiry that incident forms filled out by nurses at Mid Staffs concerned about staffing levels ended up in the bin. Of nurses working on general medical wards, 85% said the average ratio of patients per registered nurse was eight or more – of these just under half said the ratio was 10 or more patients per nurse. The Royal College of Nursing has said a ratio of eight or more patients per registered nurse is associated with patient care regularly being compromised.
In addition, 43% of those who worked on general medical wards said the ratio of registered nurses to healthcare assistants was either 50:50 or worse. The RCN recommends a ratio of 65:35 in favour of registered staff. More than 80% of respondents believed there were more “Mid Staffs” out there while, around a third were not confident they could rule out similar failings happening at their trust. More specifically, 23% said they were “at risk” of a similar situation occurring at their trust and 12% that it was already happening at their trust – either in isolated parts of the organization or right across it.

http://www.nursingtimes.net/5054462.article?referrer=e1

Here are some of my thoughts and actual situations involving staff, nursing and doctors....
This is shameful and very frightening to all of us, but especially to those that seem to have chronic issues that keep us more in the medical offices, hospitals, surgical wards, and so forth. I can attests to at least 4 situations since I began having so many surgeries, appointments, and being and in and outpatient to at least 4 TIMES since 2007 that there were BAD issues, that in fact got reported, and the hospitals in two of them did massive investigations, one in fact just went to the medical board for review. These for the most part, did NOT BEGIN with nurses really, but more about DOCTORS, lack of information to the nurses, lack of knowledge more about my particular surgeries or illnesses, but it was also due to the nurses severely being tied down to way too MANY PATIENTS EACH! There is NO WAY an INCREDIBLE NURSE CAN HANDLE THE AMOUNT OF PATIENTS I have watched them try and juggle. Not ones that have lots of medications, IV's, surgical wounds, need to be helped up, possibly need all kinds of those things that sometimes nursing assistants can do, but the poor assistants are also bogged down, and lack the time to help get people up, walking to the restroom, and so forth. There have been a few times, I did kind of blame a nurse just because she did not go back and READ orders, BUT even THEN, I know it was because she or he were probably snowed under. So, it is a push pull kind of situation. They maybe doing their undying best, BUT they can only juggle so many patients at once. I know that due to the number of society, especially elderly, those with so many chronic illnesses, earlier in life, the medical field is totally bogged, BUT we NEED TO EDUCATE, PAY VERY WELL, GIVE INCENTIVES FOR THOSE WHO DO A SUPERIOR JOB, and put in our medical offices and facilities many more qualified candidates. Thank you for the article... it is a difficult subject to discuss, but I know I am not the only one that has had issues either in the hospital or at the office of a doctor.

more in regard to nursing homes:

Nursing homes are even worse for the most part! I also hope and pray I NEVER have to send anyone there or go myself. Talk about understaffed, underpaid and they are not even trained properly. That is a situation that Medicare needs to work on as much as many of the others. The nurses at the homes are truly understaffed. They only put "qualified" for paperwork basically, and have people sometimes that are really NOT even NURSING TRAINED to handle lot of patient care. When my GrandMother fell, and went for a "temporary" stay for a broken hip, there were circumstances beyond the control of my Mom, and her two siblings, and my Grandmother could not stay by herself anymore. She also began to have dementia issues, and would leave the stove on etc... and even though Mom went there daily, and she lived only across town, it was almost impossible to care for her and know she was safe by herself. BUT honestly, I think she may have been better off at home, with home health care nurses and that type of thing. At that time the home health agencies and so forth were just beginning, so it was not something that was thought about I do not imagine as much like in my GrandMother's case, but Mom said that Granny would not be helped up to be fed, and her plate would just be sitting there, she got pneumonia from "laying" too much, they were supposed to have her up and walking, not laying all the time, half the time Mom said you could not find not one NURSE, or most of the time STAFF member. She walked in on a couple of the staff and overheard a terrible conversation about some patient they were talking horribly about in their "break room" when they were supposed to be on the floor taking care of patients. It was just nuts. One time my Mom's sister came and took my GrandMother OUT of the home for a short drive, but she did not SIGN HER OUT!!! Mom said it would have been hours and no one would have known she was even missing, but Mom happened to go by about that time to check on her. She went to her room and my Granny was GONE!! NOT one person knew where she was, and did not know my Aunt had even came in and took her. Of course my Aunt got in trouble for not signing her out, she said she did not know she had to, but it was insanity... It is just a situation that will get worse very shortly, if something is not done to get us the qualified staff, that are educated, continue to be educated, regulated, PAID well, NOT over worked, and treated also with respect.

"Odd" but incredible times for the Super Bowl!

What can I say but WOW!!!! What a heck of a strange Super Bowl Game!!!! The commercials were phenomenal, the teams both very extremely good! Even though of course without the Cowboys in there, we were not really "bowled over", we were with the Coaching Brothers, the Incredible, more or less "Rookie" Quarterback that just knew in the 4th grade his life was on a path (I thought that was an awesome story about his life), and then THE LIGHTS!!! Man, talk about frightening!!! I think I it would have been totally creepy moments for me, because I would half have been expecting, at any time a bomb or something horrible may have been launched to happen. We even talked about that before the game. So many people watching, and so many people attending, with eyes from all over this world, all it takes is one fool!!!! So, I have to commend the entire security staff, and everyone who did make sure all of those there were as safe as possibly could be and could enjoy the game!!! All in all, it turned out to be a fun day and evening, even though I am still under the weather some. We made low cal ranch dip and bean dip, and we had cut up veggies, did have one bag of Tostito's but they were "gluten free", and I had made some Rice Krispie treats for "dessert", and put a few dark chocolate chips in them, since those are the "healthy" ones. We were stuffed too quickly. We did not eat really all day, so by the time we sat down, both of us and the dogs were hungry. LOL. and we kind of began eating later than usual... anyway, I hope everyone had a great time, got home safe and sound, and look forward to the COWBOYS in there next year!!! I had to laugh at myself when we decided to go onto bed since the lights were taking so long, that I told Jim I thought I heard "jets scrambling" over head!!! :) We are so close to LA and our Air Force bases here are sometimes close enough they do fly over, thus I think it was a train, but it sounded like the jets going to check things out to me.

To Dad on what would be His 90th Birthday today!

For my Dad, He would have been 90 years old tomorrow, on Groundhog Day! We lost him in 2005, and I miss him everyday. Dad, I hope you are fishing, drinking coffee with the other guys up there with you that are your dear friends also, including Uncle Joe who is with you also now. I bet you are telling deer hunting stories and talking about those huge rack of horns on some of them! :) I know that you know how much we all love and miss you... Happy #90, where age is not a thing but possibly just a number...


He was a good man, and an awesome Dad! I was always proud (even though he was extremely strict at times) to be his daughter. I realize there are some things that happened later in life, that he may have been disappointed in me. But, there were things he went to his grave not knowing that happened at that time in my life, that I never told him. He was already not that well, and I just felt it was better for him not to deal with some of what was happening in my life at the time. But, I do know now, he does know it all, and I am positive he is glad that I did the things I did then. I love you, Dad Happy Birthday!

Battling and Trying to "Slay the Dragon" - Lupus and its complications.... Life, Super Bowl Etc...

Well, of course things for me are always complicated. I have already posted about the flu bug, and then I have a Lupus flare with it. I guess since I had both, they really took me down. I have been fighting now for weeks with one or both at a time. I know that I have been over the flu now for at least two weeks, yet I am still in severe aching pain, especially my lower back, and down my legs, plus a severe Lupus headache that decided not to go away, chills, and just the entire gamut of crappy symptoms with a flare. I was trying to hold off going to the doctor thinking I would get it fought off myself, BUT I had to go in yesterday. I was just feeling worse instead of any better, so I went in to see one of the PA's. Dammit I actually have an appt with my doctor next week, but they moved it from Monday to Wednesday and with it a weekend, I did not want to take a chance of being worse. Well, as I kind of suspected, I do have a kidney infection, which explains the severe side, flank, and lower back pain being so bad even with all of my pain meds. Plus the chills, fatigue etc... all go along with that on top of the flare. I kind of thought I may have a kidney stone or stones, and I am still thinking that could be the case, which would cause the more severe pain plus the infection. So, now I am praying that if so, I can pour enough fluids down myself and take the antibiotics and get it flushed out myself. Going to the ER, having to be put on a rapid running IV and them trying to flush it is just a pain in the butt in all ways. Plus they will do a CT to find it or them, and etc and so forth, so I DO NOT want to go there at all. And of course the flare meant a huge shot of Solu-Medrol, plus a course of 14 days of the high powered doses of Prednisone, which suck. I am already having one hell of a time for some reason fighting to keep weight off. I have not had problems since I was about 21, but for some reason, even though I exercise DAILY, plus watch every calorie, and so forth, it seems I am inching up a pound every so often, which sucks, because rather than them coming off, they seem to be sticking to my butt!! I am so depressed about it, and am even going to try the NO Wheat, get rid of the gluten diet thing, or try it for the most part to see if that will help. We are trying to eat earlier in the evening, and also breakfast earlier, stay up a little later, and I am even doing some of my exercising (extra for my regular ones) at night. I am going to talk to my doctor next week, because I know of course the illnesses, and the medications, especially Prednisone are notorious for this issue. But, then yesterday and this morning, I have had the worse case of feeling really shaking, and Jim even could "see" it in me, and feeling a different type of weakness, and with all of the other issues, I am a prime candidate for Diabetes 2. I became "pre-diabetic" several years back, but with all of my watching what I eat and exercise that has never been an issue since then. NOW I fear with the long term prednisone, plus the Lupus, and so forth, that may explain many of my symptoms including the weight issue. So, I faced that this morning and took my blood sugar, and it was well over "normal". NOT serious, but way over normal enough to be considered diabetes if it continued that way. Anyway, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Of all things I DO NOT need anything else to deal with as far as a chronic illness. But, I know me, and I am COMPLICATED as all of my doctors put it.
P.S. a story of mine... included about one of my serious mistakes at 21, that taught me a huge lesson... I hope it helps someone else to try and not make a terrible mistake...


Hope all of you enjoy your weekend, and hope if you are having a Super Bowl party you have a great time.. be careful and please don't drive if you drink... let someone who is not drinking take you where you need to go or stay where you are till the next morning. It is just not worth what could happen.... I know we think we are invincible, especially when we are younger, but hey at 21, I stupidly drove after a couple of drinks, got stopped for a tail light issue, my very first every stop, and they arrested me for "drunk Driving"... I spent 2 YEARS, YES 2 on PROBATION and I had never even has a ticket or been stopped in my life!!! So, it can happen, and now things are much worse, plus I also could have hurt myself or someone doing that, and it taught me a huge lesson!!! I NEVER AGAIN drank and drove!! It only took ONE TIME for me to learn that one... I was scared, humiliated, had to call my ex father in law to bail me out, because I was too upset and embarrassed to call my Dad, then I had to go tell them the next morning... Honestly, Dad was awesome, he did not gripe at me and in fact he went with me to the court in front of the judge, and helped me pay my fine... but he admitted it could have been him in his younger days many times... and as I said, between the scared, the embarrassment, the humiliation, etc... it only took once... so there is my story, the truth, and I am sticking to it.. Happy Weekend to All, Rhia

Pieces of Me

As I wrote this, and it is really for my upcoming 2nd Poetry and Prose book, I had promised myself not to start "sharing" my work here or on FB, that I am going to put into the book. I don't want to get started doing that, then everyone will know well before the book, what is inside of it. LOL, stupid thing for a writer to do, especially if I want to sell even ONE book! Of course it is NOT about the sales, but being able to "touch" my readers and bring them to a place they can feel.... it all! So, here it is,



Pieces of Me

Pieces of me linger today, in the basking essence of the beauty of rays of sunlight upon my skin. There is a glow surrounding me today, I observe the pieces of my heart, pulling together, and becoming whole...I have kept pieces of me hidden away, locked behind a closed door, for fear of being exposed again, raw and naked to love's call. Yet, I often "hear" it and try not to "fear" it, for I know the passions that lie within and without. I seem to be in another realm, spaces in between, life and love...the shades of grey, that only lover's know...fill and outpour over me. I find myself, longing just once more to give of my heart, and wonder where the path shall lead? Do I dare explain my soul, do I dare expose the unbridled passions, and take the plunge as before? ‘Tis always been my nature, to dive into the rushing rapture; falling head first off the cliff, to allow my love to be in full view. Yet I held those pieces back...this time, trying to find a new way, trying to be more cautious, trying to allow it all to just happen; yet I throw caution to the wind. I have jumped off a final time, to take the chance...of life's dance.
Passion, and pain, eroticism, and ecstasy, glory, and honor! All surrounding me, and I linger today. I feel the pieces of me come together, where heart's bind, bodies intertwine. I know that fall far too well!

I feel it rush through my veins!
Plunge into the passionate realms....
Allow your spirit to be set free,
No chains, yet velveteen binds....
Experience a heart as no other,
Sustained by the glow....
To know of the heart, is to know wisdom and grace.
I find that you are a sweet addiction,
One quick shot throughout my veins!
This is where your will shall reign,
In the deepest pit within my heart.
I stand "fearless" in this fall,
I succumb to where we "mesh;
heart, mind, body and spirit.
A temptation too great,
I could not withstand the heeds of warning from my heart,
So I just allow it all to unfold.
Unveil itself in front of my eyes, and then there I will embrace the passion!
I have given over to holding back; to resound, to resonate. In all of your stupendous charms, my heart is of yours for the taking....
Carry it gently.                            

Rhia Steele  copyright 1/2013

Battling The "Wolf" - Slaying the Symptoms & Fighting the Good Fight of Life

This morning, as many, I am torn. Torn between this... and that. Torn between working on my poetry book (Tattered Musings) The 2nd one I want to have ready to publish in a couple of months, and my book "Reaching Beyond". I am torn between being here to write, and make sure I keep in touch with my fans, which of course I am not sure even how many read my blog. I donn't have many that post, thus I really can't guess at the amount of those that actually follow along. I have quite a few followers on Facebook, and they certainly know about my blog, but whether they take time to come here to read what I have written is not something I usually think about.
I don't get all wrapped up in numbers, and I am certainly not standing in the vanity of worry that I need more people here to read, or I am not famous, or I am not reaching out to enough of an audience. As one of the partial old sayings go, "Write, and They Shall Come".
As one of my own sayings goes, "Do NOTHING, and NOTHING gets done". So, rather than sit around worrying, because sitting around worrying, also GETS nothing done! If I have learned anything from life in my 5 decades plus a couple of years here, worry gets you no where. I told my Mom just this week that I could help her figure out if all that she worries about is worth it or not.
I said "Mom, if you pick something you are concerned about or really sitting around worrying about, say to yourself, Is there anything I can do, to "fix" the issue? If you can't do one thing to fix what you are so worried about, then it is absolutely futile to make yourself ill over being so overly concerned. As I told her for example, I could sit around and "worry" as often she does about my "illness". I could make myself even more ill by constantly stressing over it. Where would that get me? I cannot "fix" what is wrong with me. I can "do" the things I am supposed to, like take my medications, watch my diet, exercise, take care of myself, etc. BUT me being so concerned that I literally am that frightened about it, does nothing. I cannot make Lupus or RA go away. I cannot do anymore than what I am doing for now. Thus to worry does nothing, but waste time. energy, and puts undue stress on me that could make me more ill. I could worry about whether a car will run over me tomorrow, or that Jupiter will fall out of the sky, or that the stock market will crash next month, and the what ifs' can build on forever into an eternity.
Maybe life comes full circle with "worry" like other things do. We come full circle from being a child, to a young adult, to an adult, to elderly, and then many of us come back to almost a "child-like" stage as we get to be very elderly. We get stubborn and bull headed, we become at a stage that we decide not to eat certain things, or throw "temper tantrums", or just turn back to the things we did as children. So, life as that goes comes so often full circle. So, it seems worry and concern does also. When we are children and young, we have no worries. We are not concerned about anything. We live in this absolute faith that life is life, it is beautiful, nothing goes wrong, and it will be fixed by Mom and Dad if it does. Then we become teenagers, and worry kind of sets in. Worry about prom-dresses, and the cheerleader squad. Worry about dating, and whether a certain person would like to go out with us. Worry about getting our driver's license or our first car. Then onto worry about larger things such as finishing our education, what we want to do with our lives, and higher education, such as what college we want to go to. Then we get into college, and all too often, rather than get more "concerned", we tend to go into this place of "party". We are out of Mom's and Dad's sight. We are "on our own" and "grown" (or so we think). We tend to let our guards down on the worrying part of life, and just enjoy our "youth" again. We wax and wane throughout our lives in the realms of being overly concerned, down right worried, and almost out of control with the insanity of "fixing" everything. So, as time comes to graduate, and get a job, here comes the worry train again. All too often we climb on board it, and here we go. We are worried about the biggest home we can get to impress everyone, whether we have the latest car, the best design in furniture, clothing, shoes, and the best manicured finger nails, toe nails and lawn! Then comes a few years of dating, and we may again let our guard down, enjoy that last few years of "freedom", date as we want, spend too much money, and then that "right" person appears out of the blue, clear sky, and Voila', we are worrying about the PERFECT WEDDING, the perfect Honeymoon, and a better job, a larger home, because kids shall be on their way soon. Some of us I have noticed have chosen to wait longer with marriage and kids. For many of us we do establish a job, get a home, have our "dream" car, etc. and wait until even our 30's before we "settle in and settle down" with a partner for life. We have kids later now, rather than in our early twenties. Which depending on your personal preference and situation can work out either way. Personally, I am happy I chose to have my kids earlier in life. It seems I can relate to them better now that they are young adults. We seem to be closer in many ways, since the "age" gap is not so far away. Since this world changes so quickly now, the longer you wait the more it has changed, and it seems the further that generation gap gets between your kids and you. I saw that with my on Dad, who was in his mid-thirties when I was born. Things in life has changed so much, from him seeing a portion o the depression, and women never working, to when I was a young adult women go to college, work, and juggle family, a marriage and a household all at the same time. He never understood that. He never "got" why I wanted to go to college. He never understood many of the things I wanted to do or did in my adult life. But, we were from almost two different planets because his life was so totally different than the time that I was born and growing up.
So, then we worry through our middle aged years about jobs, finances, homes, cars, bills, feeding kids, putting them through college, retirement funds, income taxes, and you name it. We concern ourselves with all kinds of things we "can" d something about, and then there are all the others that we still worry about, and honestly there is not one thing we can do about it. We cannot stop the sun from falling out of the sky. We cannot overly concern ourselves about our grown children. That is a huge one for me. Once my kids we "adults", and chose to live not with me, and they were of age, then even though I do of course want them to be happy and safe, and well etc., I am NOT going to worry every day whether they are going to drink a beer, or get a tattoo, or fall in the yard, or raise their own kids right! I can give them advice, if they want it. I can pray that they have the guidance they need from the Lord above, but me worrying a bout foolish things like whether they need that new car, or need to go on a 2 week vacation, or whether they change jobs, and so forth, there are a million things that I just cannot do one thing about, so why worry?
Then we begin to get to that "half-century" mark. Either we are married or alone, widowed or divorced, or happily still married to the love of our life. Which ever it is, we begin to have "concerns". We are concerned about bills, retirement , money, and health. We start to have new aches and pains, our bones creak, we may have some minor health issues like high blood pressure pop up, so then we begin to be overly worried about health matters. Believe me, if you watch day time television like my Mom does, hell they will have you in the grave by the time you are 55 with all they can find to say is wrong. Or they say they can "cure" you from every thing that is wrong with you, by a few drops of some "liquid" miracle medication.The ones that really drive me nuts are all of these "1 minute miracle" cures, that can take an "80 year old elderly lady" and make here look 40 years old in a minute. Wow, reckon how many women and men have jumped on that bandwagon and spent a small fortune on the stuff? You can bet one in about 4 that see the ads, will pay those 4 payments of only $24.95 to find out that is absolutely see that there is NO WAY, no how. Don't get me wrong, I do believe if you begin at an early age, taking good care of your skin, keeping it up through the years, then yes I think you certainly can have a much younger looking, more youthful appearance as far as skin goes. Eating right, hydrating right, staying out of the sun without protection, all of those things add up to usually a more youthful appearance. BUT thinking some miracle ointment you buy and use after using it once or twice, yet not taking care of your self the entire time of your earlier life, you are nuts if you feel any of those treatments really work.
We are thrown into all of these things from news, to magazines, to TV "tele-mericals, or "info-mericials", whatever you may want to call them, on everything from "soup to nuts" as the old saying goes. So, once again, somewhere, somehow, some stranger, gets into our "door" and into our "heads" making us even more stressed out about appearance, about health, and about all of the health and body issues each and every person on this Earth knows that someday, we are going to age, we are going to wear out some of our parts, and either have them replaced, put up with them aching and hurting, or pray something new and less invasive comes along the lines of being better, quicker and easier for us to be less pain free, have less aches, or worn out joints, and find a way to make our older lives more comfortable to live with.
So, is the "journey" from birth, to toddler, to young child, to preteen and teen. Then comes young adult, adult, middle age, older age, elderly, and to me, now even more than "elderly", that age that is beyond those elderly years more often now, when other things such as Alzheimer's, dementia, or a combination of those hit us, and we maybe in many ways still productive, but we go past that to almost as I said in the beginning of this "child like".... coming full circle. from the first moment we take a breath... until that very last moment, we take that very final breath...As I look back at my younger years, and great memories, I also have fond memories of my current life, and I am so glad that even though I suffer much chronic illness and pain, I have and am blessed with many fond happenings, people and memories throughout my life times.
I look forward to the years ahead and pray the "foggy" portions of the Lupus hold off so I can continue to write, which is the number 1 thing I love to do.

So, as you contemplate over your life, memories, and times to make new ones as they come,  I pray you also find many realms of happiness, strength, joy, and the omnipresence of what true life, without real fear is all about.