Saturday, July 27, 2013

"Bearing" Your Soul - While Trying to "Bear" this Horrid Pain

NO, I am not completely deceased! But, I have certainly felt that way this past going on 4 weeks! Insanity, is the only word for it, besides however you can desribe, INTENSE,SEVERE, THROBBING, ACHING, AGONIZING, UNRELENTING, STABBING, SHARP - day, night... PAIN!!!!  Not meaning to be any where "not standing in faith" BUT, I am sure questioning my Higher Power about why I am having to deal through this horrid journey. I thought about something that I had read a few weeks back. We talk about "acute" pain. Like having surgery pain, or breaking a leg pain, having a baby pain, kidney stones, and etc. That type of "acute" pain, is more or less "temporary". I realize when YOU are having the PAIN, it seems endless. Yet, you begin to see depending on what is going on relief fairly soon for the most part. Dealing with that type of pain, is NOT FUN BUT, you can look in the near future and see that it shall pass. You will heal a broken leg, or get over a surgery, rid yourself of the kidney stones, have your child in your arms... so that type of pain can be seen as going away soon.
When you are in CHRONIC PAIN, you do not "see" an end. Not one hear on this Earth usually. When it comes to many illnesses and conditions that cause chronic, gnawing, sometimes daily pain of some, lots, little ... you KNOW even if it disappears for a short while, you will have to GO THERE again. The "pain sabbatical" in most cases will end, and you know whether it be a day, a month, a year .... or whenever, unless by a cure, or medications that totally 100 percent work, or by the Divine Being, you are healed... that pain is inevitable.
That is what makes a chronic illness so horrible to deal with. It totally can take over your entire world, it reeks havoc with your body, your mind, your emotions, your soul... every day, every where... everyone in your life... just about any and everyone that is around, are affected by this relentless "stuff" that comes down upon us like a huge, black cloud, and weighs upon us, keeping us in the valleys of despair, rather than us standing atop our mountain, enjoying the world.

BUT, many of us do KNOW that someday RELIEF will come, permanently. When we "reach" that other portal, the other side, another dimension, heaven, or whatever you want to call it... if we are believers in things such as that, we can be "guaranteed" complete RELIEF!! through and PAST ETERNITY!!! So, if you think about "chronic" illness and pain in that light... then like "acute" pain... the chronic is in a way - going to be gone. I totally realize that in our hearts, we would much prefer that healing right now, so our quality of life comes back from wherever it goes when we are this ill.

I understand that this may sound a bit "depressive" or disenchanted, yet I do not mean it to be. I was just for my own sanity, trying to figure out a way to "process" all of my stupid questions, of why, how, when, where, .... why is this happening to myself and so many "good" people, when will be see relief, how did we manage to get "picked" for this not so great honor, and where do we go with it, when the weight of it all, is way too heavy for our own shoulders to bear......

I guess it depends on what kind of "well" we mean, as far as how the visit with my orthopedic surgeon went. The Good news, if you want to call it good, being stuck with a very LONG NEEDLE in FOUR JOINTS good, is that he injected both hips, and my elbows. They felt wonderful until the lidocaine began to wear off. Now they are SORE from all of the medication going in and it will take until about Monday before the real effects of the medication begin. But, Hey at least he did help in that manner. IT of course may NOT help, it may help for months, years, or for a day. That is the problem with those types of joint injections you just do not know how long it will last, or help at all. I have had wonderful luck with some over the many years I have had them, and some just stopped helping. Once the joint is too far damaged, then even the corticosteroid stops really doing much. Then he did X-ray my wrists, thumbs, and elbows. We knew what we would find. Damage worse now than a few years back. Both thumbs have really gotten bad, and my feet are bad also and ankles. I have seen the X-rays of my feet and fingers and they are just worn down, with little or no "cushion" cartilage left, thus the pain and inflammation comes from that, the Lupus and the RA. HE suggested a foot specialist to possibly do surgery on my big toes. I have "Tarpal tunnel" in them, which is much like carpal tunnel in the wrist. He said that may in itself help my feet a good deal. But, on my thumbs I maybe either looking at them having to be "fused", or better would be replaced, just like my knees and shoulder. Not what I wanted to hear for sure. BUT, I expected as much. He did say I have bursitis in my hips, and since we had injected them before, I may get some relief from it again. But, I may have to have them done either X-rays or CT scanned, because they themselves have not been done ..... if anything, years and years ago. So, I know things have definitely changed since then. IF it came to hip replacements, he could do those himself. He did my knees, and he does hips. But, when it comes to the more advanced things like total shoulders, fingers and so forth, then I have to see a specialist of course. I have NOT been TO SLEEP again almost all night for the 3rd night or so. Really longer than that, but these past two nights, I really have been up almost the entire night. So, that is not going to help the pain and soreness. Oh, and he looked at my lower spine CT and all of the EMG and Nerve Studies done last February. He said he seems to think much of this hip, butt, leg, lower back pain... IS my LOWER spine. Since my neck was such as mess, even though the CT did not show it (there has not been ONE CT or MRI ever done on me that was really "accurate". Every time they get in finally for surgery, it is a total wreck in there, and thy can't see it usually on MRI's or CT's.. But, he knows what the knees and shoulders are like inside, thus he is pretty sure my lumbar spine could also be a larger mess than it is showing. Especially me with the osteoporosis. I did not know that it can cause pain. I knew it did if I got a compression fracture or the like, but even it as severe as mine shows to be on the tests, could be causing some of my pain. Right now I am in the "waiting" game of my pain meds. I have about 10 minutes to go thank goodness. I am just about ready to scream. The pain in my lower back and hips is horrid right now. Anyway, he also felt like my Rheumatologist should take a look at all of these tests, X-rays, and try to change my medication. The RA and Lupus are definitely still causing damage to my joints. So, we need to try and slow it down if at all possible. Half jokingly I said something to Jim yesterday afternoon, that I would look stupid and not get much "exercise" having to be in a wheel chair circling the drive way in the mornings, rather than on my two feet, even if I am have to "drag" myself slowly, at least I am up and moving. But, honestly I am FEAR.... fear that if we do not get some of this damage slowed down and the pain more in control, that is where I am headed for! I just can't fathom having to be on a cane or in a wheel chair. It scares the hell out of me.

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