Friday, January 31, 2014

Trying to Place "priorities" in the right spot! Difficult to do when you suffer a Chronic Illness

I just said that I was going to go "rest" and watch a movie with my dogs. After all, I am just barely a week out of "major surgery", even though laparoscopic, nonetheless, major anyway, as my Surgeon, Dr. Sullivan reminded me yesterday. I went in for my week recheck, knowing he would turn me loose to ride my exercise bike... Well, his answer was an emphatic NO! NOT for 6 WEEKS!

I gave him a bit of an evil look, and he began to tell me... okay ride that bike, incumbent or not, and when you come back, and those "mesh" panels have pulled away, the next surgery will be big incisions, and not pleasant at all. So, of course to the best of my ability, I am abiding by doctors rules... so today at least although windy as hell, warm enough that I made my 30 minute or so jaunt around our long driveway. So, I did get some exercise in. :)

And I realize he is right... if I did something stupid, and pulled what he has done loose, then the repair of that would be a much more difficult surgery, that would probably mean a hospital stay. I still can't fathom riding that stupid bike would hurt, but okay, I will behave for now.

I am still sore, still purple from my navel, all the way down to my thighs... yes EVERY PIECE of me, is "purple". I won't give the "details" but you can get the jest of it all, since the hernia's are right at the pubic bone, and blood travels downward, when healing begins, thus due to gravity, several "parts" on me that are not usually purple sure are now.

I had to laugh when I was telling him. He basically just came right out and said it, and I sat giggling and agreed ALL of me was bruised and purple!

I am just so disgusted with everything right now, I won't even begin to get into all that has happened in just a few short days... but I will say between the ignorant people at my insurance company, and the stupidity of the "billers" at the hospital where I have my infusions, along with (if I get another automated stupid Call from Humana I am going to scream)!!! I want to say to that recording, QUIT spending MONEY on these stupid calls and pay my damned bills! Of course they see "coding" is wrong, but rather than question it, they just pay it wrong or right... and even if they "underpay" or believe me I had them overpay a year ago or so, and called to tell them they paid for blood and lab work that DID NOT belong to me... 4,000.00 worth! And honestly, I don't think they cared... But they sure as heck care when "their" premiums aren't paid..

I spent most of my walk in deep thought today. In fact my husband said I looked almost upset... but not really at all. I am more in this place that I have to "split" my time. I desperately have to go allow myself to work on my book, and post more of my "own" stuff here on my blog. Not that what I am doing is not awesome, because it is. But, more along the lines of I HAVE to for my OWN SANITY get back to writing my book. No more of this waxing and waning... or feeling fearful... it is time to put that "foot" in the door, and go for it.

So, that is where my thoughts have been this afternoon.

Actually this morning, I just about have the "mini-manual" and all of the "Hubs" and sites set up with the correct permissions and so forth. I just hope they will be able to decipher my manual.

But, I HAVE GOT TO ORGANIZE and split my time up between my advocacy and my own blog and book. I have been so far out on a limb, with all of my new responsibilities with all of the Advocacy and Volunteer work (which I am THRILLED to do), but in between all of that, I've kind of lost my own "path" up the mountain to get my book written and published. Along with not overwhelming my blog, and FB page with too much of one thing, yet not nearly enough of "me"... which is why I do this... for YOU and for ME... so I have got to stick Rhia back into the picture as of exactly who I am, and not lose all contact of what my very real goal is... to write that book, and to have the very best blog I can.

While I walked... I talked... to myself. I have been faced with "one" reason as to why I won't start the first chapter... and "fear" is the only thing I can come up with is "Fear".... not sure what kind of fear, or what I am frightened of... but it seems fear holds me back from putting my eyes on the goal, and putting my fingers on these keys. As Natalie Goldberg says, WRITE...Write Daily... even if you fill notebooks full of crap, write it anyway.... and in my heart of hearts, I know that....

So, if I seem a bit "pre-occupied", or a bit distant over the next few weeks, I am in the process of mentally sorting out all of this. I want so badly to get that book written I can almost taste it. So, as Tiffany said today in a post on Facebook. I have got to put one foot down and the next one in front of it, or it shall not write itself....

I think right now must be a very difficult time of the year for many of it seems.... each person I come in contact with, is having hell on some level....

May be would should have named this Hell 2014!!!!

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