Sunday, November 1, 2015

Feeling totally destroyed, Mad as Hell, and wondering WHY LIFE can be such a torment for some rather than a joy!

I've kept my mouth shut about some of the feelings I have about this entire ordeal of myself, and my Mom being not well, not well at all. I refuse to ask for help, because I know that it will NOT happen, thus I do all on my own, from fixing a lamp, to fixing my plumbing to hanging a new ceiling fan (which that one I have not done yet) I am living now with TWO severely infected places on each thigh, one of which had already been incised over 6 weeks ago and should be well. But, it has taken much longer, I guess just due to my immune system issues... then 2 weeks ago, after hearing a "weird" beeping, during one of our bad weather days, I found out my internal pain pump has a "motor stall" and I had to scramble to Dallas, to my pain docs office to meet a Rep from Medtronic, so they could turn the pump down to a "no flow" basically, and then I went in on Tuesday to see my doctor. Well, it seems on that Sunday before the pump restarted itself again. So, he turned it back to my normal rate of medications, BUT he messed up on my Bolus' that were supposed to be 1.001 every 8 hours and he put .1001, which is a huge difference. I left 2 messages, two days in a row, and I knew Friday the office was closed. So, I just kept taking my oral meds to supplement the difference, and about 9:06 AM Friday morning, the pump had another "motor stall".. so as I was about to call and leave a message that the thing had another motor stall, the nurse called about the bolus, well I stopped her, and told her we had more problems, than a bolus not right, and let her know what happened... this was in the middle of all of the horrible weather, rain, and I was not about to make a trip to Dallas for a 3rd time in a week, not in weather like that... luckily, one of the Medtronic Reps, drove all the way from Dallas, and came to the hospital here and met me to turn down the pump once again to mostly Off, no medication is being given basically, so again I can take the oral meds, and he was to "silence" the alarms, and yes they were until about an hour ago, and now for some reason, just like last Sunday, the "alarm" on the damned thing is going off again..... so I am not sure once again what is happening, because once he turned it to certain settings my own "PTM" that I use to check it and give myself the bolus' is not working. So, I have no clue what the "error message" is that it is giving.... Mom lost over 14 pounds in about 6 weeks, and I am still not having an easy time getting her to eat, and she is always confused about how to take her medication, no matter how many times I explain it, write it down, she even has a 7 day pill holder, but with the addition of a couple of new pills, she never gets it right... so I never know for sure if she is taking her medication, correctly, and when and as I said I have tried everything, from telling and explaining, to writing down the names, doses, and when to take it.... but none of that matters, she cannot get it right.... I have not even been able to go over there this weekend.... with both of these abscesses on my legs, and my pain pump stalled, I need to be close to home, plus the weather still sucks, it is cool, and cloudy, and dripping and I already feel like I have allergy mess like all of us since this rain came in and the weather changed so quickly..... but then the "trial" was supposed to be "next week" for the wreck Jim was in, in March 2014.. what a joke.... I cannot tell you what a freaking mess that entire thing is in, BUT I will tell you "how our lawyer feels" about me being sick..... after he spoke with me late Friday evening, and I told him ALL of what was going on, and he knew a part of it, because I had emailed him, but he did not know about the abscess stuff, because that had not happened yet... and his answer to me was, "Well, you KNOW you STAND TO LOSE a LOT OF MONEY if you do not testify!!!!!!!!! " and my comment back was ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD IS NOT WORTH MY HEALTH and what can I do with money if I DIE!? I am SO SICK OF THIS FREAKING TRIAL CRAP, AND IT IS A BUNCH OF CRAP! I wished i had never even been put into the "mix" of it all.... I stand to gain NOTHING ANYWAY, because, since we are divorcing, that means I am not "with him to help" so HE gains TWICE as much money since he will supposedly have to "hire" someone to take care of him.... and the lawyer gets all of a sudden 40%!!!!!!! I was told 30% in the beginning, which to me was too much, and now I know how he affords that huge, lavish, office on top of one of the largest buildings in Ft. Worth overlooking the entire city etc..... at 40% that does not leave MUCH for the injured party for sure.... I have kept quiet about this mess long enough.... I am SICK - MOM IS SICK, and I cannot even get my own church to put us on the prayer list! And it is funny HOW MUCH I HAVE GIVEN TO SO MANY because I wanted to, all types of help, information, and assistance, and YOU THINK ANYONE HAS ASKED IF I OR MOM NEED HELP??????? NO! So, the lawyer can KEEP his money, as I said if I am in a "Urn" or grave what the hell good is it to me?????? I have never "had money" and I never intended on "getting rich" off of an accident..... so they can take their money and shove it, because I wash my hands of it all..... the audacity of some to do and say what they do.... and furthermore, I want no "I am sorry" or it will get better crap either... I've heard that and it only GETS WORSE!!!!!!! Certainly NOT BETTER..... I do not think ANYONE UNDERSTANDS THE EXTENT of how serious my own health issues are at the moment, nor my Mom's.....

It is lie one day last week, I was looking at a newspaper online, probably from Corsicana. I happened to have seen an obituary about a woman from that area, and her, her husband and their entire family are very well known there. She had passed away, and I was trying to find how to get in touch with one of the sons.... he had helped me years ago, when I was having some really tough issues, and even came and took me out for my birthday in 2001, right after my heart attack. We went over to Waxahachie and ate and then he took me and bought me a box set of Stevie Nicks songs... that I have cherished and still have for years.... there were many times that I "hid" out there, when no one else "believed" what my "then jerk" of a husband was doing to me, and how much I felt threatened.... and him and I became "friends" and it was that, friends... he also had been through a tough divorce, had a "step-daughter" that totally made him almost hate kids, and I always felt I had a "safe haven" when I needed one.... even when he was not home, which he worked a lot, I could go if I needed to and stay..... I can still remember many times we spent listening to Brooks and Dunn, and several songs that totally "touched us" both at that time... and maybe.... just maybe if I had stayed in TX and not left for Seattle, something could have developed between us, but I left, it didn't... I come back and 10 years later, find myself again single....and then the irony hit.... I noticed in his Mom's Obituary it said something about she was "proceeded" in death by a son, and it was his name, I had to stop, blink and again, think gosh no, he was only about 3 years older than me, and even though he had a health issue, he actually had that under control, and was doing well.... but that was 10 years ago.... or a bit more.... actually longer than that, because I left TX, in October 2001 for Seattle.... and I did not return until Dec. 2005 and it is now 2015 so actually more like 13 or more years since our last conversation...... and then I do a search, and I find HIS OBITUARY! He passed away in 2012. I think... and I had no clue, have no idea why, how, if he got sick, or hurt, or what happened... my heart sunk... here was someone who honestly gave me the courage to get up, get out, and change my life, when everyone else thought I was the "one" with problems, and no one believed the other party had issues (until he wound up in prison, and is back again) - not even my own Dad believed me... he thought I was making it all up and I had the "problem"..... so, I was just at a loss, and trying to think of someone who might be able to tell me what happened... and there are a few people I could contact, but I am not sure I even want to "stir" that can of worms from BG....... so life can throw you a horrible curve ball, or MANY curve balls, and you never know when that ONE will be the "end"of your "earthly career"..... I am honestly MAD AS HELL right now - and normally the "hope" keeps me afloat, but at the moment I only see HURT and PAIN ahead, at 55 years old, my life totally sucks!

No comments: