Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Trying to Live Life In A Moment... And Trying to Find my Way once again alone... to a "new Chaotic abnormal"....

  Once again as the holidays grow near, I find myself struggling for what the true meaning of being Thankful is, what pure love is, and dealing with more heartache than I at times knew possible. I began my Annual Christmas Letter yesterday. I've made it a tradition now for many years to write a letter about life during that year, and share it with the few people, family etc that I send cards to. I always feel it makes even those far away feel "closer" to myself, and family. Yet, I had word this afternoon, a dear friend of mine,
sent me a message, and a spouse of 18 years or so, left. I am not sure of the details, but much like my own situation, not sure of the reasoning behind walking out the door. No truthful explanation, nothing... just walk out and let the door slam... I feel a deep sadness this evening, for my friend, and another friend of mine that also had the same thing happen last year during the holidays. Her husband of 20 plus years, did the same thing, just walked out the door and left... and again, under circumstances of dealing with really severe health problems, and when she needed him the most, he walked out.

When I took my vows in Vegas 10 years ago, and I wrote them myself, I meant every word I said... and for years and years, ever since we had moved into this house and made it "our home" mine, and his he wrote to me, along with our marriage certificate were framed and right here at my desk, plus the bouquet I carried hangs above them. They served as a reminder for me, that I had promised, forever, to grow old together, that we "paralleled one another and then met as one, just like two stars combining and intertwining and I would never allow anything of "life" to break us apart. I almost could say that entire vow, for years... and then, it totally was just "words on paper", "words spoke", mine from the heart I vowed, and I do not give up easily. But, whatever "happened"... I have had to "guess"... was it me, what all did I do to make him walk out the door? We had a few arguments, and both of us would of course in "defense mode" would come out with some terrible and say it to one another. But mine was truly just defending my own self, and not meant in truth. Yet, it was taken that way. But, still, I thought well, it was my surgeries and being chronically ill... not so... I was ALREADY CHRONICALLY ILL AND DEALING WITH CHRONIC PAIN WHEN WE MET! He knew before we moved back to TX, he knew before he proposed... In fact, I had filed for my complete disability about 6 months after we met one another... so "my health issues" although in 2007 through some of 2009 meant lots of surgery... yet, I did not expect to be down for "months" and was usually up and around ASAP... I did not want to be a "burden"...
No different than the accident he was in, March 2014... the 26th day of that month totally changed our lives, in so many, many ways... and even before he came out of the hospital, I told him, we would together find a "new
normal"... and he always talked about us growing old together. and sitting on a porch swing talking and laughing and always being together... Yet, here I sit alone, with Bub's... and he is thousands of miles away, states away... and till yet, I still don't know from him directly WHY? But, I have had to try and put one foot in front of the other, and find another new chaotic abnormal life for me. My Mom really got mad at me, then was in awe that I hung the ceiling fan MYSELF! She knew how badly I was hurting afterward, yet she told me today, she could never be as strong as me, or as intelligent as me, and that as the years pass, I amaze her at all I know, and do, in spite of how badly I hurt every day, and the illnesses try their best to take me down, and I won't let them... I refuse to give into the pain, or Lupus, RA, Sjogren's.. and now I have began to have horrible, terrible headaches again... I fear the migraines maybe back... and they had been gone for years... all but the ones with a Lupus flare... When I told her I put the new "insides" in my kitchen faucet today, she looked at me once again and said, "I would not even know what to do, what I needed or where to get it"... and I just said "Mom, I have lived all my life HAVING TO learn to do things myself.I never had the luxury of getting someone to put up a ceiling fan, or fix my lawnmower, or stop a dripping faucet, or paint the house, and the list goes on and on... change a flat, I just got through charging the battery on her car... and again, she could not believe I knew just what to do.... again, necessity makes you learn to do many things.... Yet, in all of that, I find sadness in the coming weeks. I am trying to get a new fur-kid for Christmas... and the woman that needs to come by for a house visit, will come next Monday...so I hope and pray that everything she sees is fine, and that Bub's gets along with a pup she is bringing... he always got along with Tazzer's, and with other pups at the Vet, etc... so I think he will be thrilled, I hope, and not jealous... He has became extremely protective of me, since Tazz passed away, and James no longer here... as far as people around me, he is not thrilled at all... So, I may have people judging me, I am trying to find things I can do, while I hopefully still can do them, that I enjoyed for so many years. In fact, I even "banged" on my drums for a bit today! Bless Bub's heart and the neighbors ears....HAHA... but that is why my Xmas present early to myself, the western boots and jeans... I want to go to the new place that opened here and see if I can find a couple of people my age that I can become friends with... and

I joined the church for the same reasons... plus the new pup will give new "life" to my home... yet, my home is in desperate need of so much work.. and since the suit money fell through, (I was going to put whatever bit I may have gotten into fixing my home up)... I still need it painted outside, and some rotten boards off the bottom fixed, I desperately need a new roof, and the floors laid in the kitchen, bath, and laundry room. 
... plus I have new carpet for the music and spare bedroom, but it needs painting first, and ALL of the windows are in terrible shape. I am trying to get around to repairing them with the push pins and glazing, but it takes time and those windows are so brittle, I still have one completely cracked in the back, thank goodness it can't be seen, but it could fall out at any time, and then another one in that same room someone put "caulk" in a crack in it, so it needs to be replaced... then about a month ago... I think something happened but not sure what, I found a crack in one of my bedroom windows too.... I need a new fence all around my back yard, but I have a couple of dead trees in the fence line that need to be cut down... I have done some of it myself... and I am just going to put "hog wire" fencing or something inexpensive up... but again all of it takes time and money. Plus there are some things like laying the flooring, finishing the bathroom lights and fan... putting up the wall boards in my laundry room and so forth, that I can't do by myself... physically some of it I know I cannot do... I can't get in the attic to wire the lights and bath fan... I just would not feel easy doing that big of a job... and I can paint, but in some places outside my home is much taller than I would at my age, and especially with all of my neck, back, and osteoporosis issues, I would not chance falling...

I still face surgery for the new pain pump and I really need the lower back surgery. After this past couple of weeks, I realize I need that repaired too, or it is going to just get worse... and I am still dealing with the "wounds" from the abscesses and that is another thing, I have to drive by myself again up there and deal with that alone... it sucks... not that I can't but it still sucks... so I turn UP the radio and sing every song on the Radio as I drive... and block out the memories that still "haunt me"... kind of like the Brooks and Dunn song... one of their early ones... the Kix sang... Love may "die" but it "never leaves"... it is like "shackles and chains in a ghost like way, when it comes to loves memories... so true... and again it brings me back to what I want on my grave stone... "Here lies a girl who got everything she wanted, and who could ask for more.. Than to be Living in A Moment... You would die for... Ty Herndon was kind of a one hit wonder I think, but his song hit me strong years ago, and never forget those words... "to be living in a moment, loving every minute, living in a moment, you would die for".....

Thus the Lyrics...

Living in A Moment...

Well the world just lost two lonely people
The world just lost two broken hearts
The odds were against it but baby here we are
In our own little place in our own little corner
This old cold world just got a little warmer
For the rest of my life I'm gonna hold you in my arms
And when they carve my stone all they'll need to write on it
Is 'Once lived a man who got all he ever wanted'
Tell me something, who could ask for more?
Than to be living in a moment you would die for
If you never get rich on what money can buy
It don't matter to me, I'll tell you why
I've got it all when I'm holding you this way
I'll live to love you, I'd die to keep you
Safe inside these arms that need you
I'll be loving you with the very last breath I take
And when they carve my stone all they'll need to write on it
Is 'Once lived a man who got all he ever wanted'
Tell me something, who could ask for more?
Than to be living in a moment you would die for
Ashes to ashes
Dust into dust
I'll lay beside you
Forever in love
And when they carve my stone all they'll need to write on it
Is 'Once lived a man who got all he ever wanted'
Tell me something, who could ask for more?
Than to be living in a moment, loving every minute
Tell me something, who could ask for more?
Than to be living in a moment you would die for
Living in a moment you would die for
Oh baby, I'm living in a moment I would die for
Oh, living in a moment I would die for

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