Holidays, Illnesses, trying to cope and hope for a 2016 to be MUCH BETTER, and How to survive the attacks on so many & wonder what will happen here...

IT is difficult NOT to talk about the horrific violence in France last night. The scope of what the terrorists have been able to accomplish and all under the "radar" is one frightening situation. I realize our "security" since 9/11 is much improved. We know this by going to an airport, or even to one of our courthouses, I saw it on Capitol Hill in 2014. Yet, with all of our "intelligence" and capabilities, and as many events like this we have "thwarted" it still remains that no one is "completely and utterly" safe in our world anymore. Once again they have been able to blow up a plane with so many on board, and now again attacks in several locations, all well planned and thought out by these inhumane beasts, and even in a small town such as this one, you have to wonder which place will be next? Alas, there are so many other things going on in life, we remain such a busy nation, a busy world, to try and put your "life" on hold, due to madmen out and about it not an easy thing to do. After such dread and violence, and seeing the carnage they have left behind, as the number of deceased has grown to over 160 souls, and possibly more to come, at times it makes you want to crawl under your house and stay there... but as I said we are a town, a state, a nation and a world with so many things to do, and I think as something like this happens, it makes us feel an "urgency" to even be more abrupt in accomplishing our goals and aspirations. We have this sense of "what if" thus we become more wrapped up in the things we have began and want to finish, or what we have put off, all too often we feel as if there is "no tomorrow" thus we find ourselves muttering about, and scurrying around like the squirrels do in my yard and trees, getting ready for the Winter's cold.... we try and ready ourselves more for life, and also for the possibility that if we don't "live", we have made our "mark on the world".....

 

 

 

 

next portion....

 

now, that I have the post about the "violence in France down below started" (I am quite sure I will add to it), I wanted to say a bit about the entire ordeal and state of things right here in my own home.... first of all and I am sure for the very 1st time, I ALREADY HAVE MY CHRISTMAS TREE UP!!! I am quite sure I have beat my daughter, who always puts hers up the weekend after Thanksgiving! But, I had decided since we did not even get a tree up last year (mainly due to illness at the time) and it was difficult to get the huge tree down from the attic (which I still have to get up there and get some things down, to get rid of actually)... so I decided since it is just myself and Bub's right now, I would buy a smaller tree, and decorate it mainly with all of the sleigh bells we accumulated over some 13 years or so. I actually bought one last year, and then I bought one earlier this year, and both of those I had out and not in my camphor wood chest. So, the lights, a few sparkling red bows, and two of the sleigh bells are already on it. I turned it on last night, while Bub's and I watched a Christmas movie (yes Hallmark Channel is my all time favorite, especially this time of year) LOL!, and it was so nice to have just the lights from the tree and the sparkling from the glitter on the bows, and the way it almost danced in the living room over the entire room. It is only a 4 foot tree, so it is not nearly as huge as the other one. In fact, I am not sure it will hold ALL of the sleigh bells! They are pretty big! But, I have some of the ornaments and a few things in the chest, so that way I don't have to try and get into the attic right now to hunt for Xmas decor. I am going to have to brave going up there, and pulling some things out, some to get rid of, and I probably may have some boxes of papers to shred up there, and some other things that need to be taken down, plus I probably need to put some of the "mouse peanut butter bars" as I call them up in there. They tend to like the insulation to hide in for the Winter. Thus, I put the type of stuff up there that keeps them from smelling if one eats it .... LOL!!! IF one gets in this house, I may vacate it for weeks!!!!! HAHAHA, but I can say I did pretty good with those darned salamanders this year. Between the "spray" I made with Hot pepper sauce and tea tree oil, and my trusty "several" fly swatters, I kept them almost out of sight on the porch also. I found out about the tea tree oil and putting Tabasco sauce in a spray bottle, and boy you spray one with that, for one they fall, and for the next, they usually are deterred from coming back... nothing will "kill them".... I found out they are probably all over in the cracks between my siding and windows etc... during the Summer, they spread quite prolifically, when I finally found out about what they were, thanks to my Vet, Venetia Shafer at Bluebonnet City Veterinary Clinic who we got to see yesterday! Bub's did so well! I was so proud of him. Last time we went to get his nails trimmed, he "snapped" at Penny, her assistant, so I had to "muzzle" him, and that just about killed me... I had tried several years back to muzzle him at home and cut them, but I just could not stand putting the muzzle on him.. he HATES his feet touched... but so did Tazzy! She was just the same... she was so laid back and easy going, but she hated her feet touched... anyway, I held him yesterday and Penny talked to him, and he actually did not have to be muzzled, and did so well. I think because I "talked to him" before we left, and told him he had to be a sweet boy, plus we also talked a bit before we even went into the room to get him up on the table, he was so engrossed in everything else, his nails were cut, and he got his rabies shot, before he knew what was going on!!! So, he got one of his favorite bones when he got home, and he was so worn out... last night he acted as if he had ran a marathon! I had walked him for a bit up and down the sidewalk in town before we went into the Vet office, and I think he was so totally exhausted, he was even panting... and he rarely pants.... he is more cold natured -

Anyway, of course I face going to the "wound care specialist" at the end of next week, on Thursday.... and honestly, I think both of the abscesses are looking a bit better finally. But, I fear I am allowing them to close too much, too quickly... and that would mean they could still have infection on the inside... they are not closed off yet, and I have not allowed them to do that, but the right one especially is so terribly tender, it is really difficult to "dig" in it as I was able to do with the left one the first time...

Anyway, I have been contemplating writing my annual Christmas Letter, and due to all of the "crap" that has happened this year, I am not sure I really want to write it... but I shall do some thinking about it, to see if I can come up with a bit of a positive spin on some things, and then see about writing it. I've been doing this now for gosh, many, many years. I have a cousin in TN, that did it and still does, and I kind of picked it up from her's that I saw when I was younger, and she still writes them, but both her and her husband are much older than me, and I know neither of them are in good health.... so I hope she is able to do one this year. Anyway, I don't want to sound like "Scrooge" or the "Grinch" in a Xmas letter, but with all that has taken place this year, kind of difficult to find the "higher road"..... anyway, once I finish the tree, I will put some pics up... of course when my daughter gets hers up I will share those also... she always has such a spectacular tree! It looks like it should be in a magazine, or dept store window like Macy's.... :) I guess she got her decoration habits from me... my home used to be decorated in every room, when the kids were smaller... even the kitchen and bathrooms had decorations... and we usually had trees in both kids rooms, as well as the living room.... I always had the table set with my Christmas China, and linen napkins and tablecloths... it was always a memorable time of year for sure.....

Moving Past "Loss", now I face another specialist, a "wound care specialist" and trying to survive from autoimmune illnesses, and all that comes with it.... more also about the accident...

There were a couple of my friends who posted on FB to me, and this is what I wrote there in regard to some of the things they mentioned... in the days to come, I will reveal much more about this accident that has totally destroyed more lives than anyone knows... and how I see that in the end, those who harm others knowingly, and then lie and cheat... later do get what they deserve... and as from personal experience, I never have to do anything... life takes care of those people in its own way and time.....


I almost feel like I've had to "begin a new day of my life" over and over and over again, almost like "Groundhog Day" the movie... where each morning you wake up, wanting things to be different, to move ahead, to break from the stagnation of all of the bad stuff, the illnesses, the sadness, the grief, the loss, yet it remains... I am trying so hard to get well! I desperately want to get a new pup for myself and for my Chiweenie Bub's.. He is just now beginning to show signs of being "happy" again. He is eating much better, he is bringing me his toys, like last night, he brought me one of his latest "babies", I have called them their babies... and he wanted me to play with him... he had not done that for months and months... between Jim leaving so suddenly, then us losing my Pug Tazzy, who even though at times they appeared to be a bit of rivals, he misses her so much.... and he also "fears" I will leave and not come back. I see it in his eyes, when I tell him I have to run errands, and I will be back soon.. and then when I come home, his is almost crying, standing at the door, and I can tell he is so relieved I am home again... I've really tried to give him even much more love and attention that before.... just so he knows I am not leaving him.... but I feel with the right new "fur-kid" he will once again have a playmate, and someone here to keep him occupied when I have to run errands.... and that of course is just the "top" layer of many layers of life... almost like these two "holes" in my thighs... so many "top layers" of my skin look like they have "eroded" - and it is one frightening sight to say the least... I am also extremely concerned about Jim and his own mental and emotional state, after such a terrible let down with the trial.... ALL OF US AGREE even our lawyer that their were "lies", "people were paid off" to lie, and the driver and owner LIED under oath.... and then I still question the "jury"... there was something terribly wrong with them... I saw it, and I was only there a couple of hours... but I saw it in their faces, and it was almost as if they had made their minds up even before the trial began... a "corporation" again us "individuals" and if they are "dirty" then they could care less about the lives that have been destroyed by their own employees recklessness on the road, his driving while TALKING ON A CELL PHONE, and on so much more... BUT THEY have to live with themselves every day... and if they have any "heart" and maybe they just do not... it will be a burden they carry around forever and to their own graves. I do know from doing a search online about the company, that they have lots of "not satisfied" customers, who say online they have lied and cheated them... so that tells me enough, plus they were TOO SURE through this entire mess, they were not willing to budge an inch, offer a settlement etc... because they PAID OFF people to lie... no way, no how these "so called" witnesses, "seen" that accident, where the car was, whether the hood flew up or not, and I've said it all along.... those people were "found" before I even got the police report and paid to lie... I know it in my heart, I just cannot prove it.... so let them stew in their own deceit... what goes around.... definitely shall come around... I have watched it happen way too many times... I never have to do a thing, but sooner or later those who harm others lives, do pay a price....

A Wreck, that has totally "wrecked" lives and where is the justice???? Now I am no longer "stifled" and can say as I please... Autoimmune Illnesses & the Horror of Life and Dismay

By the way, just got home from Mom's Kidney sonogram, and I FINALLY got a call from my PAIN DOC'S office! My pain pump IS APPROVED, thank goodness, AND they were going to do surgery this coming Friday, BUT due of course to the abscesses, I have to wait, and get a "clearance" from my PCP... and I have to call them to let them know I do not think these antibiotics are working.... and then tell them they HAVE to GET ME WELL ASAP so I can get this surgery over with! Wish me luck, and still "no word" on the other item yet....
and on a FURTHER DISTRESSING NOTE (to say the least) AFTER 20 MONTHS of all we went through, a marriage destroyed, and several lives totally destroyed in so many ways, we LOST! They "ruled" that "neither" our car, NOR the truck driver were "at fault".... needless to say, yes, that ends it, but it sure as hell does not help ALL of the other issues that went along with it. I will say more, but right now I am so upset and disbelief - so I shall tell more later...


I have said from the very beginning, that "something smelled rotten" about this entire thing.... for one these 2 "so-called" witnesses, I've seen where the accident happened, and unless someone was staring at that piece of I-45 all the time, they would never see anything... AND I also feel that both the owner and driver LIED on the stand, in their depositions, and more... I have no way to prove it, and probably never will, but I also had a feeling when I was there Friday, that the "jury" selection was really "biased" - over 70% were the same "nationality" as the driver and owner, and everyone else at that company for that matter.... I am still in shock to say the least, along with of course Jim, my Mom, my daughter... and she KNOWS all of the issues about a CDL License and rules and restrictions of drivers etc... her husband works for an oil field company, and a couple of their drivers have been in accidents, and she said NO WAY no HOW would that business gotten away with this... lots of stuff just not "right"... but as I said... nothing to do but try and move forward.... what a nightmare, over and over, living it every single day since March 26th 2014 and how much is destroyed, lives, a marriage, and a great deal more than that. BUT, it is hard to get something "fair and just" IF another side is playing dirty pool.... and now I can say what the heck I please...

I've felt this from almost the very first moment that we took this and decided to file a suit against them. I "watched" each and every tiny moment of how this company "acted" - how they from the 1st "denied" any wrong doing, and yet admitted he was ON A CELL PHONE, a car in front of him, that had time to get out of the way, and everyone, including experts, and in fact their own "expert" in re-construction of the accident admitted he should have SEEN our car, no matter what, and being a truck driver, if he had his eyes and mind of the road, he had more than plenty of time to stop! Even before Jim was out of surgery in those first hours, I spoke with my insurance adjuster, she she told me the two guys in the Tahoe, had been known for appearing to get hit, thus they cause the accident, but claim otherwise and had been PAID several times by different insurance companies that would "settle" just to shut them up... In fact, the trauma doctor that I spoke with while still in the lobby of the hotel there in Washington DC, when I 1st learned of the accident said two things to me, before he even began telling me about the extent of Jim's injuries, he said JIM WAS NOT AT FAULT AT ALL, HE WAS NOT SPEEDING, and he was driving fine... that an 18 wheel tractor trailer hit him from behind and basically "ran over" our car! Of course due to the fact, I was told this on the phone by the doctor, and my insurance agent had told me this about the guys in the Tahoe, it was "not
admissible" in court, because it would be considered "hear say".... in fact those two tried to get money out of my insurance company, and the woman there basically told them to take a flying leap... they had proof of them causing this type of situation in the past... Also they basically tried to say that my car, the Hyundai was not "road worthy" and that the hood flew up which began the accident... I know for a FACT, MY CAR WAS COMPLETELY ROAD WORTHY! The Monday morning just before Jim drove me to the airport 70 miles away, and back home. The hood on my car, was extremely difficult to even open. The hood was very heavy for a small car, and I had made that statement on several occasions... and it had a "double locking system"... and that was to keep it from being able to "fly up"... you had to unlock the first one, then push further into it, to "open" it, and same way closing... once I closed that hood, it was as secure as any hood could be.... I will always remain stating that they all "flat lied"... that they "paid off witnesses" - these people standing around in their "yards" on the side of I-45 coming into Dallas, and 2 of them "happened" to have witnessed this so called hood issue... I am sorry but that just does NOT add up.... the odds of that are slim to none... and I also feel the jury was "biased"... as I had said above, the company was owned by the same nationality of people as the driver, who basically could NOT even speak English... and way over HALF of the jury was the same nationality... now if that is not biased, I don't know what is... due to my own health issues, these abscesses on both thighs, the pain pump being stalled...and so forth, unfortunately, I was not there to even see the jury picked.. and I was only there briefly on Friday to give my testimony, and then I left and came back home.... I really was not supposed to go then, but my doctors told me if I went, testified, and came home, then it would probably be okay, thus that is what I did... I SAW the HOOD LATCH MYSELF at the impound the net morning, when my son and I went to see the car, and take pictures.. and that LATCH was still fine and in fact, they had pulled the wrinkle out of it enough, they had it "latched" down, I guess the tow truck driver did that... and I took pics of it.. but at the time, I did not realize that I should have taken more photo's and much closer to the latch, yet then I had no idea that anyone thought the hood flew up before the car was hit.... or I would have made double sure, I had more information, and then the Dallas Impound "sold" the car... and that was before we had retained an attorney, thus the hood had basically been removed, and the motor taken out before our attorney found it... fortunately it had not been crushed yet, but still all of that being taken off, did not help, they had removed all of the pieces of the latch on the hood, and the parts on the car that held it, thus that proof was destroyed before we had any photo's etc...anyway, I could sit here, and continue to go over and over and over each and every tiny detail, from that moment I got the 
dreaded phone call, and tell each and every detail of the entire ordeal, but it does me no good, I already have had to "relive" it so many times, and it just causes me more hardship, more pain, more emotional overwhelm, and will not allow me to try and "heal"... not that talking about it is a bad thing, and that is the one thing for me that is cathartic... to be able to "say" or "write" my feelings, thoughts and so forth.. that is what makes me the writer I am... but all of that will not change the outcome, and I can talk until I am blue in the face, and that will not "fix" the damage this has caused to Jim, myself, and my family and friends.... as I told my Mom several times, I feel "cursed", and this is not the first time in my life I felt that way... it is like some dark ominous cloud hangs over me, throughout my entire life, I have felt it and almost seen it - and if anyone says, "Well, everything happens for a reason" to me, I may smack them in the nose!!!! That is what we "say" when we are at a loss for words... and I am sure I have said it too in the past, but trying to "find the good" out of something so outrageously bad... sorry but I just don't see it.... so where to begin - to try and "pick up" the many pieces of a heart broken, a body well riddled by illness and stress, and an emotional realm that as "strong" as everyone claims I am, I am not sure at all, that I have any more "stamina" of mind to sustain me anymore... and even trying to put one foot in front of the other, and move forward... well, that remains to be seen.... my worst concern at this moment is Jim.... he stood the one that had more loss than anyone from this, and for him, this means no help with doctor bills for the future care he needs, no money to sustain him in life and he has lost much of the place in the brain to "hold" a thought process so he can again design and develop websites and so on... the "coding" is something that requires a vast amount of holding onto thoughts, that may have to require coding on several different places and pages within a site... and especially anything complicated as his clients have had, online shopping carts, and the "behind the scenes" information that must detail their sales, inventory and so forth. I "worked" with him on more of the design part for about 4 years or so, and since then, so much has completely changed... it would take me months, if ever for me to even be up to speed again to even do design work... so I know for him this is a devastation that goes far beyond what most even comprehend... again each and every thought and prayer are needed in a continuing way... to help sustain him, as well as myself, and my family..... 

Trying to Remain "Positive" in all of this horrible ordeal... some of it I am unable to talk about at this time, but hope that shall soon end....

At this moment, I am not able to give any details, but I will say for now that the "nightmare" from March 26th 2014, hopefully is coming to an end very soon. My hopes are by the end of today, or at least by the end of the week. It has been a very, very LONG, winding, and life changing road, to say the very least, and it has taken its toll on not just myself, but everyone else, and tore the "life" I knew to shreds.... Let's just hope that it all ends, and ends on a "good note" for this side... People are "fickle"... so I could not "read" the looks on faces last week, but my hopes are that all of the many tears I have cried since that fateful day, and that horrid phone call, have not been in vain... after things are said and done, then I can say more....


By the way, just got home from Mom's Kidney sonogram, and I FINALLY got a call from my PAIN DOC'S office! My pain pump IS APPROVED, thank goodness, AND they were going to do surgery this coming Friday, BUT due of course to the abscesses, I have to wait, and get a "clearance" from my PCP... and I have to call them to let them know I do not think these antibiotics are working.... and then tell them they HAVE to GET ME WELL ASAP so I can get this surgery over with! Wish me luck, and still "no word" on the other item yet....

"ACR15" (American College of Rheumatology) conference 2015 in San Franscisco!

Since I've been away for a couple of days, I didn't get a chance to post about the ACR15 Conference! From the looks of it, they had an incredible turn out. Lots of non-profits like Creaky Joints, the IFAA, the Lupus Foundation and so many more.

Plus The Rheumatology Research Foundation is celebrating their 30th Anniversary this year and launched a brand new website for it! So, there are lots of great things, events, and research, plus more awards and so forth going out for all of the incredible work done by so many, when it comes to the realms of RA, Lupus, and so many, many more diseases.

An Article About the High Cost of Medications for Conditions such as RA, and how frustrating it is for the Doctors also...

http://www.wvgazettemail.com/article/20151017/GZ04/151019600/1455



New Website for their 30th YEAR - American College of Rheumatology!

http://www.rheumatology.org/Advocacy

Abscesses, Catching you Up, and letting you know that I shall be back very soon... please continue to follow me.... the realms of life, autoimmune illnesses, Lupus, Sjogren's, surgeries, pain pumps, & the "trial"...

I apologize for being "MIA".... LOTS of stuff happening here... for one I had BOTH abscesses incised on Monday... the "1st" one got infected again, even though we thought it was okay, then the other lump on the right thigh got horribly abscessed, so the surgeon opened the both of them up on Monday... IN HIS OFFICE!! Do NOT even get me started, I am one tough cookie when it comes to pain, and procedures, but I should have been taken to outpatient and put under sedation... I have pics of them on my FB page, and honestly the right one looks worse today than earlier in the week.... I am on antibiotics, but I do not think they are helping the right one at all... I have been on Rifampin and Bactrim now for weeks and weeks... and they have helped the left thigh, but as I said the right one is swollen "angry red" and HURTS like heck to have to open them both up at least 2 times a day and go inside them with cotton swabs and peroxide to clean them out.... and I fear I am running fever.... and some may know that my "internal pain pump" also went into a motor stall... well they had information the first time it "re-started" itself, and my pain doc reset the meds in it, and that lasted about 5 days... then a week ago yesterday, the Medtronic Rep drove from Dallas down here and met me at the hospital to "turn the flow down to nothing"... so just in case it starts again, I won't get the meds much at all, and then they have me on strong oral pain meds for now... so I face surgery to implant a new one, but no way will they touch me in surgery until these infections are cleared up... and gosh knows when that will be... then the "trial" was this week for my soon to be ex-husbands wreck, in March 2014, when I was in DC with the Arthritis Foundation. I did not go at all until yesterday mid-day. I testified, which meant reliving the entire ordeal again... not fun, but then I drove back home. I did not stay, honestly my doctors would have freaked had they known with my current physical issues, drove 35 miles plus to downtown Dallas, went into a "germ filled" courtroom, etc... but I felt I did need to say my own part of all in this.... in so MANY WAYS this horrid nightmare of a wreck, totally "wrecked" my life, physically, mentally and emotionally, and in some ways even more than Jim's... there is a great deal of the first almost 3 weeks, he does not remember at all... and he does not remember a moment of the wreck in itself... anyway, due to all of that, along with my Mom and her sudden new medical problems, I have either been here just a tiny bit, or not here at all... usually on the sofa when I can be, or taking her to the doc, or myself... and then to the court house yesterday for a couple of hours.... anyway, I wanted to catch everyone up a bit... I have felt badly about not being able to "share" posts, and put things up on my blog over this past at least a week or more... but honestly, I have felt so lousy, and with the trial and all of that... plus I am trying to get well enough to "adopt" a new pup... I still miss my Tazzy so much, it just breaks my heart each time I think about her sweet face.... so hopefully after next week... my hopes are there is a huge load lifted off of our shoulders... and I can "hopefully" try and find some way to put my life back together... anyway, I thought the comment was cute Tiff.... and thanks all... also hope to be back here, posting, sharing, and getting back to what I love to do most... my advocacy and activism...


I am extremely concerned about the right thigh and the abscess... it is so totally red, swollen, and it is just a nail biting horrible pain to have to clean it all inside with peroxide and cotton swabs... but it has to be done, and either I do it, OR I do it!

Anyway, to ALL of my followers here, please forgive my brief absence... and I shall be posting more hopefully from now and forward... by the way, the damned pain pump keeps turning on and then stalling... each time it does that, my "side" starts beeping... that was a real "hoot" yesterday at the trial... everyone would look at me... I had to wonder what they thought... they were supposed to have been told about it, but I think that did not get mentioned, thus it was kind of funny to see people staring at me....