Monday, July 15, 2013

Fear of Disease Getting Worse or Am I Mentally & Emotionally Giving Up?

As I began to think about this so early this morning, I have had a very "heavy heart" lately. I have not really said much to anyone, including my husband or family, but I have been getting increasingly fearful that either these illnesses, the Lupus, RA, Sjogren's, and so forth are either becoming much worse OR my emotional state and mental state is that I am beginning to just "give up" the fight. I have tried to get myself "psyched" up over my 3rd book, and now giving the Congress and government a fight over all of the Medicare mess they have us in. Yet, I just cannot pull my physical or mental state out of the severe fatigue, the place I just cannot get done what I want to get done... due to my feeling so lousy, in so much pain, for so long now. No one can truly know from everything I have been through what the hell is REALLY wrong with me? Why even with a pain pump internally implanted am I suddenly in severe pain? Why are my joints more stiff, like they are "gelling" on me, and the pain in them is horrible? Why are my teeth having more cavities than ever, and seem to be crumbling in front of my eyes? Why do I not feel like going out to the store, doing laundry, cleaning my own home, and honestly doing anything. I feel TOO tired, TOO fatigued, and just too ill to even care if the rugs are vacuumed or the floors are mopped. I don't care what I eat, it matters not. Nothing tastes right anyway. I do not feel lilke even sitting in this chair to write, or even honestly read emails. I could care less about doing my coupons etc, and just have to literally make myself go outside and walk... going outside to walk, water my plants, and watch all of our birds that have nests are are hatching are about the ONLY things I care to do. I don't want to go to my Mom's, Lord knows I do NOT want to go to a doctor, and I desperately need to see a dentist and both of us get glasses, but I do not have the energy to muster to go and have the measurements done we need so we can order our glasses.
Right at this moment, I could either scream or cry... possibly both. I feel like I am just about worthless. I feel I can't even help myself, much less help anyone else. I know when I get ill or have a severe flare or both at the same time, I go through these times... yet this time it feels totally different. I know I always care about what the house looks like inside... no matter how horrible I feel. I will try my best to clean no matter how sick or how tired I am.
The brain fog is horrible. I do well to remember my own name. I have had it for a long while, but it seems to get worse each time I have a bout with it. I have gotten to where if I am slightly interrupted when I am saying something I totally forget what I was saying. My notes I even forget now.. stuff that I usually can remember, I can't to save my soul, as they say. I feel like my entire life, body and emotional realm is just fading away in front of me. Everything I loved to do, does not even interest me.
Even being here and trying to help others that has always given me a driven purpose, has just been not totally within my heart. I go through days of thinking no one even hears a word I say, or does not care. No one wants to listen to me anymore.  I feel as if everyone else has grown tired of listening to my constant whining and griping. It seems I continue to develop some "new" sign or symptom. One day it is my teeth, the next ulcers in my mouth, the next fatigue, the next pain and stiffness, another something else... continually a viscous circle of illness or insanity one... I am truly beginning to wonder which??? I feel like I am going totally nuts..

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