I've been on what some might call a "tear", "Rampage", "soap box", "griping session", or just plain bitchaaaching and griping over the past couple of weeks.
As this age, one would think by now, I would totally understand PEOPLE will let you down, disappoint you, make you feel less than, not as good as, or like you are some 3rd "rate romance", in some "motel rendezvous" - Touche' as some would say. A title to a song by Sammy Kershaw if my memory or what's left of it serves me correctly. Well, someone may have actually recorded it before him, but I do remember liking his version, especially with his voice singing it.
I am NOT "literally" speaking of any "incident" involving some 3rd rate romance or any kind of motel rende-anything... but the "feeling" you must have when you feel like you have some how it "bottom" of the pile of humanity. Those that seem to be sitting on top of you, and not even caring they are smashing your
"innards" onto the floor just beneath you.
I will say, taking totally up for ME, I've in all honesty, sick, not sick, felt like crap or not, kind of like "sickness and in health" have worked my butt off the past two years and honestly more, as a voice, advocate, volunteer, activist and Ambassador for the things I hold near and dear to my "stance" about humanity. I am definitely and maybe even a bit defiantly cut from a "different mold" than some. I would think that from the time I was about 4 years old, I totally became different than many kids, and later on, than many adults I have known or heard of. I have kind of "beat and whistled" my own horn and drum so to speak. I rarely go for the "normal" of anything. I've never felt being "normal" was anything but basically boring. And who in this day and age of almost being able to do anything... the SKY literally is the limit... would want to spend their life normally boring??? I did for years, OR I tried to "think" I was going with the general flow of those around me. Well, hell, I can attest that now I realize where I went, what I did, who or whom I met, saw, spoke to, and how I decided many years ago to live my life... was for many NOT considered anything but normal.
Sometimes I have to wonder if that is the reason I am "chronically ill".. as silly as that sounds, let me explain further. For those of us that are fortunate enough to have very little issues with our health, then you truly cannot possibly put "your feet in someone's shoes" that are chronically ill and/or in chronic pain. If you have been one of the people that rarely missed a day of school, went on to college, and the same happened, then you went out into the working world, got a job, and you just never miss work because of illness, surgery, and so forth. I have to wonder if that is even the "norm" now days. Maybe it is because I am a fully fledged "chronic illness" survivalist, that knows rarely a day that everything physically feels ALL RIGHT! It is usually one, two, three or more things happening to me physically, that effects my emotional and mental health also. If you awake to pain every morning of your life... you know without a shadow of a doubt (unless some miracle happened in the night) that you WILL awaken with some kind of ache, pain, or something that kind of makes your start of the day, a bit slower than many. For those like myself, that have to run to your desk (well almost more like crawl) take all of the "early morning" medication that you HOPE will give you a reprieve from pain, illness, or whatever maybe happening on any given morning of the week or weekend... so that is in itself is your 1st priority. Then you dive into go and turn on the coffee pot, and probably take a look at the MANY things on your list or lists that you either NEED to, HAVE to... get done... or more like what you can possibly PUT OFF until the next day or later in the day once your joints, bones, hips, shoulders, neck, feet, ankles, thumbs and probably the rest of you are kind of "lubricated", jump started like a small car battery, & then after the brain fog lifts... you maybe able to begin your day.
ADDING THIS FROM TODAY SINCE IT KIND OF GOES ALONG WITH THE ABOVE... NOVEMBER 9TH 2014...
AND HERE I GO AGAIN... STILL ON MY "SOAP BOX"....
As if I were not busy and stressed enough I decided to take the Defensive Driving Test again... just for the 10 percent off my insurance but all and any discounts help for sure. I am doing it all online which is great. But, damned I don't remember it being as long as it is now. It has been a long time I guess since I took it last. So, they have probably added more to it due to cell phones and all of the new technology in cars that can help and also hinder with distractions.... so now I am in the middle of that, along with waiting for Geico to answer a question before I change policies, and then I had paperwork to come in for another thing I am in that has to be done every 7 months, I have three appts next week, the dentist, blood work and my heart doctor, plus my last Arthritis Foundation Ambassador meeting for my year of training is Tuesday afternoon, so I find out it if I've done everything to be an Ambassador, plus possibly did the extra things in order to be a "Platinum Ambassador". I found out the article that I've sent to our newspaper goes in (either it went in yesterday and wouldn't you know I did not get my paper) or it goes in tomorrow. I had an email from the new editor of the paper. I had sent it in about 3 weeks ago, and heard nothing. So, I resent the email, and still did not hear anything. I went down there early last week with a copy of the email and the article. The woman told me then they were having a change of staff, thus the delay. Well, I got a very nice email from the new "editor" who told me he was going to make it a "Highlighted" Article in the "Life Style Page" with my photo on it and everything! So, it is in the works also... but through all of this, then have have a "week" reprieve from APPTS!!! - only to have ONE EVERY DAY OF THANKSGIVING WEEK!! I HAE TO HAVE my pain pump refilled 2 days before Thanksgiving, Mom and I see the PCP the Monday of that week, and then I have to go back to Dallas to see my Rheumatologist the day BEFORE Thanksgiving... when ahe the heck am I supposed to have any time for a holiday... sometime next year I guess!!! It is insanity, and that week will be nuts anyway, due to many being off the entire week, kids out of school, parents possibly taking a few extra days off... I hate to think about Dallas Traffic... especially during the week of a major holiday... nuts, they already can't drive on normal days, much less during holiday time... I dread it... MY problem is also I am not feeling very well at all... I thought a few days ago I might be either coming down with something, or had a flare coming, ... and I just have not had the energy I really need to get over all of these doc visits, taking care of the house, grocery shopping... speaking of... I went Friday for my "stock up" we are OUT OF everything grocery trip... and I knew it would be a load. I took in about 7 or 8 reusable bags knowing I would probably fill them full. Well, I got about 3/4 of the way through my list, and I was hurting so badly in my lower back, my right hip and lower back, and side began to just hurt like hell. My feet were hurting like they do in the mornings when I first get up, and I was just almost not able to push the basket around. I had to LEAVE off part of my list, get in line, check out, get them to carry the bags to the car, and go directly home. I was a total wreck, by the time I drove home, got 7 bags of groceries that I could barely lift into the house, and then had to put it all up... myself... Jim helped by helping me empty the bags and sort stuff out, but he can't bend over, reach up, get on a chair etc... so of course I still had to get everything put away, and was grateful I saved 46.00!!!!!! in coupons... but it took me a couple of hours to print some, cut all of them out and organize them, then get them and me to the store, and get them out and double check them as I bought items to make sure everything was correct and check out....then of course as I said above get them home, put up etc.... I have and continue to discover between the time it takes me to get ready, shower, hair, makeup, then to get everything prepared lists, coupons and so forth, put myself in the car, get to the store, and walk through a huge store then get everything home... it takes all of my SPOONS for the Day and then some... and IT SUCKS!!!!! It sucks to feel ill, it sucks to feel old, it sucks to look old, and it just all sucks right now.... I cannot seem to get myself organized enough anymore to keep me from taking 5 times as long as I used to before the illnesses....
"Through my heart's work of writing, I share with you my complex journey a top the mountain, sliding down, crawling up, & living through the realms of Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses. Taming "The Wolf" Thru each Day... One Step at a Time … Together We Are Learning to Survive. Please follow along, to New Beginnings - looking Thru the Window Pane of Pain in life where we shall find our journey leading us to - New Perspectives
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Some of Life's Little Disappointments - Especially When It Involves People, Promises and Illness
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