Holidays, Illnesses, trying to cope and hope for a 2016 to be MUCH BETTER, and How to survive the attacks on so many & wonder what will happen here...

IT is difficult NOT to talk about the horrific violence in France last night. The scope of what the terrorists have been able to accomplish and all under the "radar" is one frightening situation. I realize our "security" since 9/11 is much improved. We know this by going to an airport, or even to one of our courthouses, I saw it on Capitol Hill in 2014. Yet, with all of our "intelligence" and capabilities, and as many events like this we have "thwarted" it still remains that no one is "completely and utterly" safe in our world anymore. Once again they have been able to blow up a plane with so many on board, and now again attacks in several locations, all well planned and thought out by these inhumane beasts, and even in a small town such as this one, you have to wonder which place will be next? Alas, there are so many other things going on in life, we remain such a busy nation, a busy world, to try and put your "life" on hold, due to madmen out and about it not an easy thing to do. After such dread and violence, and seeing the carnage they have left behind, as the number of deceased has grown to over 160 souls, and possibly more to come, at times it makes you want to crawl under your house and stay there... but as I said we are a town, a state, a nation and a world with so many things to do, and I think as something like this happens, it makes us feel an "urgency" to even be more abrupt in accomplishing our goals and aspirations. We have this sense of "what if" thus we become more wrapped up in the things we have began and want to finish, or what we have put off, all too often we feel as if there is "no tomorrow" thus we find ourselves muttering about, and scurrying around like the squirrels do in my yard and trees, getting ready for the Winter's cold.... we try and ready ourselves more for life, and also for the possibility that if we don't "live", we have made our "mark on the world".....

 

 

 

 

next portion....

 

now, that I have the post about the "violence in France down below started" (I am quite sure I will add to it), I wanted to say a bit about the entire ordeal and state of things right here in my own home.... first of all and I am sure for the very 1st time, I ALREADY HAVE MY CHRISTMAS TREE UP!!! I am quite sure I have beat my daughter, who always puts hers up the weekend after Thanksgiving! But, I had decided since we did not even get a tree up last year (mainly due to illness at the time) and it was difficult to get the huge tree down from the attic (which I still have to get up there and get some things down, to get rid of actually)... so I decided since it is just myself and Bub's right now, I would buy a smaller tree, and decorate it mainly with all of the sleigh bells we accumulated over some 13 years or so. I actually bought one last year, and then I bought one earlier this year, and both of those I had out and not in my camphor wood chest. So, the lights, a few sparkling red bows, and two of the sleigh bells are already on it. I turned it on last night, while Bub's and I watched a Christmas movie (yes Hallmark Channel is my all time favorite, especially this time of year) LOL!, and it was so nice to have just the lights from the tree and the sparkling from the glitter on the bows, and the way it almost danced in the living room over the entire room. It is only a 4 foot tree, so it is not nearly as huge as the other one. In fact, I am not sure it will hold ALL of the sleigh bells! They are pretty big! But, I have some of the ornaments and a few things in the chest, so that way I don't have to try and get into the attic right now to hunt for Xmas decor. I am going to have to brave going up there, and pulling some things out, some to get rid of, and I probably may have some boxes of papers to shred up there, and some other things that need to be taken down, plus I probably need to put some of the "mouse peanut butter bars" as I call them up in there. They tend to like the insulation to hide in for the Winter. Thus, I put the type of stuff up there that keeps them from smelling if one eats it .... LOL!!! IF one gets in this house, I may vacate it for weeks!!!!! HAHAHA, but I can say I did pretty good with those darned salamanders this year. Between the "spray" I made with Hot pepper sauce and tea tree oil, and my trusty "several" fly swatters, I kept them almost out of sight on the porch also. I found out about the tea tree oil and putting Tabasco sauce in a spray bottle, and boy you spray one with that, for one they fall, and for the next, they usually are deterred from coming back... nothing will "kill them".... I found out they are probably all over in the cracks between my siding and windows etc... during the Summer, they spread quite prolifically, when I finally found out about what they were, thanks to my Vet, Venetia Shafer at Bluebonnet City Veterinary Clinic who we got to see yesterday! Bub's did so well! I was so proud of him. Last time we went to get his nails trimmed, he "snapped" at Penny, her assistant, so I had to "muzzle" him, and that just about killed me... I had tried several years back to muzzle him at home and cut them, but I just could not stand putting the muzzle on him.. he HATES his feet touched... but so did Tazzy! She was just the same... she was so laid back and easy going, but she hated her feet touched... anyway, I held him yesterday and Penny talked to him, and he actually did not have to be muzzled, and did so well. I think because I "talked to him" before we left, and told him he had to be a sweet boy, plus we also talked a bit before we even went into the room to get him up on the table, he was so engrossed in everything else, his nails were cut, and he got his rabies shot, before he knew what was going on!!! So, he got one of his favorite bones when he got home, and he was so worn out... last night he acted as if he had ran a marathon! I had walked him for a bit up and down the sidewalk in town before we went into the Vet office, and I think he was so totally exhausted, he was even panting... and he rarely pants.... he is more cold natured -

Anyway, of course I face going to the "wound care specialist" at the end of next week, on Thursday.... and honestly, I think both of the abscesses are looking a bit better finally. But, I fear I am allowing them to close too much, too quickly... and that would mean they could still have infection on the inside... they are not closed off yet, and I have not allowed them to do that, but the right one especially is so terribly tender, it is really difficult to "dig" in it as I was able to do with the left one the first time...

Anyway, I have been contemplating writing my annual Christmas Letter, and due to all of the "crap" that has happened this year, I am not sure I really want to write it... but I shall do some thinking about it, to see if I can come up with a bit of a positive spin on some things, and then see about writing it. I've been doing this now for gosh, many, many years. I have a cousin in TN, that did it and still does, and I kind of picked it up from her's that I saw when I was younger, and she still writes them, but both her and her husband are much older than me, and I know neither of them are in good health.... so I hope she is able to do one this year. Anyway, I don't want to sound like "Scrooge" or the "Grinch" in a Xmas letter, but with all that has taken place this year, kind of difficult to find the "higher road"..... anyway, once I finish the tree, I will put some pics up... of course when my daughter gets hers up I will share those also... she always has such a spectacular tree! It looks like it should be in a magazine, or dept store window like Macy's.... :) I guess she got her decoration habits from me... my home used to be decorated in every room, when the kids were smaller... even the kitchen and bathrooms had decorations... and we usually had trees in both kids rooms, as well as the living room.... I always had the table set with my Christmas China, and linen napkins and tablecloths... it was always a memorable time of year for sure.....

Christmas Eve 2014...

Well, I am not sure what to say honestly when it comes to the reflection back on 2014, how I feel about the holiday season, and just how quickly it has seemed to "pounce" upon us.

From my "up" moments of being in Washington D.C. in March this year, to the tragic call from my daughter on the 26th of March telling me my husband had been in a very bad car accident with an 18 wheel tractor trailer on his way to the Airport in Dallas to fly out and be with myself and his Mom...

From there, this year has been filled with so many up's and down's.. either I am not well and are having flares, or the entire ordeal with my teeth and the Sjogren's, it seems we just never had a "break" of good luck any where we turned.

Of course I cannot say that entirely, because we are blessed that Jim survived the accident, and even though he is considered "paraplegic" he can walk with a cane. He still has many issues, including balance issues, but still he for the most part can get around with a cane, unless it is somewhere big or if we are going to do something in Wally World, which is a huge building to try and walk through with a cane.

But, between his plight and issues from the wreck, and then the Sjogren's literally eating my teeth away from the inside out... and the "forces" that are waxing and waning back and forth over the settlement of the accident, of course our finances are also worse than tight for sure.

We have been able to scrape by, but with some issues he had with a change in some main lines where the "servers" are that "host" the clients websites he has, we may have lost at least 2 clients, which were the two that usually were continually wanting updates and so on, thus those were the two that brought in a bit of a salary, although small, but yet better than nothing for sure. Now we are looking at the fact if we lose them, we really will be in a bind financially. They took away the medical benefits Jim was getting while he was in the hospital. Get this, they took MY OWN disability and counted it towards "income" for him... and then when we are probably 300 percent under the poverty line, they said my check was like 12.00 a MONTH over the limit thus they dropped his medical coverage. So now he also has no medical coverage at all. That means any doctor he sees has to come out of our pockets, and they are getting more empty by the day...

I also realize we certainly are not the only people in TX or in the nation that are fighting back hard times as far as finances. Many have been out of work so long, or have had to go through what savings they may have had to just live. So, I am not complaining for just my family, but for the many others out there with either the same or worse circumstances.

My "hopes" are for the coming 2015, to be even a better advocate, and good more activist and ambassador work through the charities and non-profits that I truly believe in. I know for many people, now days it is difficult to know where you might like to donate, and wonder if your money truly goes for the purpose intended.

My Mom is a very good example of someone that is not sure where to donate to. It gets to the point that she gets phone calls every day almost from one or more places asking for donations for "this, that or the other". With things in the world as they are now, even though we hate to think so, there are people out there, who take advantage of either elderly folks that may not understand what they are asking about, or they do give and then have their identity stolen, and so forth. I have had to warn my Mom time and time again to NOT give to anyone that is soliciting over the phone or knocking on her door. We even have a sign up on her door, plus I have put one on mine also that says NO soliciting, and that means don't ask about "lowering" utilities, or getting donations, or "insuring your water pipes" (now that is one I cannot fathom anyone falling for), but constantly somehow they have her name down and probably know she is up older and think that the can finagling her into giving out information that they can use for their own gain.

----------   ******** Beyond Christmas Eve*********-------------

Try December 30th 2014 - and beyond....

I figure if I want to get much more in BEFORE 2015 Rings in, I had better get these fingers to moving a bit faster. Probably more like pull my head out of my butt, and out of the 29,000 other places it is, and try to put down something that may make some sense out of my own life, and possibly others...

Not one of us is a "mind-reader", a "fortune teller", a "profit" (or I guess I am not sure about that one, I feel the Lord could actually send a profit down anytime he wanted to)... but when I talk about the word "profit" I am more meaning someone who tries to deliberately con someone out of money telling them they can "read their tea leaves" or follow the life lines on their hands... or read the Taro cards... and it is NOT that I don't believe that things such as that or people such as that can exist, it is more that I feel there are not near as many of these types of "world palm readers or fortune tellers" than they try and allow themselves to be. Each of us have our own unique ability to "feel" when something is right or wrong I think. Whether you truly tap into that ability is where the hairs split, as the saying goes. You can take that pathway and follow your gut and heart, and learn a whole lot about yourself and your fellow man and woman. Or you can choose to put on blinders, have tunnel vision, and only see what is directly in front of you. To me, that is not really a great way to live. Of course it is a frightening thing to "feel" something, or to "think" something about your life, or a loved ones life. But, it does not always have to be in the "blackest of black ink darkness".

You may find yourself, if you open up thinking about the "awesome" happenings in life... yours, family's, friends... or even strangers on the street. My family on my Mom's side have that type of "uncanny" ability to feel almost too much at times. My Mother really has it, yet she does not open up a great deal and talk about it. Yet, there are times something really strikes her in a dream, or as a feeling, and she does what I do, calls and checks on whomever it is she is overwhelmed with in the dream.

I've ran into more of a "night terror" wall, when it comes to if I wanted to call it a "dream world". I began trying to research the issue as to why almost every night of my life, I have a propensity to have not just night mares, but more what I call night terrors. Many nights, I wake my own self up. Either the night terror carries me to a place that I feel I am suffocating, or I am being "flogged" not exactly by a "strap" but more of a flog with words. It usually has to do with people in my past. Either people I went to school with, or have known from various jobs in my life. When I first finally got completely out of the abusive in every sense of the term, relationship with the "2nd" jackass I had been married to for far too long, I had them nightly. I almost could not lay my head on a pillow and try and sleep. For I knew in my dreams he would come after me in one way or the other. Usually through a window, with a knife, sometimes trying to run me over (which he did try in reality a couple of times)... just horrid night terrors that I thought would never go away.

When I decided while I still lived in Seattle, to venture out on my own, have my own apartment, take care of myself only... I thought the nights would be worse with terror. Yet, it seemed that I overcame them for the most part. There was something about living completely alone, and taking care of just me... that settled my unsettled soul. I could sleep like a baby, but just had hell working due to all of my health problems. Thus, as the health problems grew worse, even then the night terrors seemed to have died down a great deal.

As the tides of my life once again changed, moving fore and aft, to the South, then the North, from the East to the West... it seems my life has always been one that I must "Roll with the Changes"... Maybe that is one of the reasons I love that song so much... because all my life I've lived through a dichotomy ... where one part of me, seems to move one way, yet a portion of my life tends to be in another dimension. That may sound all too profound to even comprehend, but I've been called both a dichotomy and a conundrum .... which I used to really be pissed about. I took both as a huge insult, thinking that people saw me as some kind of "nut" who could not get their life straight enough to stick to the program I guess you could say.

I was very wrong in that thought. As the years have went by, I am truly both of those words and so much more. I can parallel a shooting star and head in a very straight and narrow path, or at times, I can be in all different paths, much like a comet's tail that tends to "flare" off in different directions, yet all at once. That portion of me reminds me of a huge firework exhibition, where some of them go straight up into the heavens, and then come down in a fountain of color. Sometimes red, green, pink, blue, purple... every color in the rainbow...

Now why my brain takes me off on several courses when I write, I guess is only something another writer, author, will understand. Many of us multitask in our daily lives. We deal with jobs, bills, kids, hobbies, houses, and so forth. Often juggling several different items at once during our daily jaunt through out what we call life. Yet, for a writer, it is sometimes what is "multitasking" in our brains. For myself, I may write a line or two, when something else hits me, just due to what I had put down the sentence before, thus I am off on another pathway through the minds of what many deem as insanity. Maybe to be a true writer, you must deal with the insanity before you can sanely write.

As I think about and write about the things I want to have in my next published book, I find myself getting lost in the circle of the ring of infinity. Where one thing may end, yet another begins at that particular jumping off spot. Such as I maybe penning something down about a particular autoimmune disease or symptom, yet that takes a turn, and around the next bend could be something "related" but sounds completely different than a "stuffy old autobiographical" book that has already been written, just out of a different mind set than another illness/author may write it. That does not mean that ANY book, about how one lives through these chronic illnesses that have captured our lives, bound us down inside of our homes, minds, and it seems the only contact we have with the real world maybe social media.

When I was listening to Laura Hilldebrand speak about her biography she wrote, about someone else and she also took me to a place in writing that I never quite thought about before. No matter if we are writing fiction, a novel, a movie script, music, or a biography, a "piece" of you flows through those words. You find a common ground between who or what you are writing about, and lace it between the person you are, and the outcome is a pure mixture of both... your view point about someone else, yet through the eyes of someone who has also gone through the hills, valleys, the darkness and light, the favorite inter-sanctioned places that whom you are writing about has been. You relate, you can empathize, your individual yet, duo of souls can dance together, in a seamless binding of what pain, power, gain, richness, poorness, and all that have motivated one soul to do well to another. If in your own heart you know "It is well with my Soul"... a Baptist hymn from a long time back, then you have meshed all of your own feelings, with someone else.

This may also mean about the way you write your own "auto-biography". As you pen those words, the ones that tug at your readers heart strings, gives them the emotions, the good, the bad, the unthinkable, the peaceful... all you have wrapped up in that book binding it is a gift that shall mean a hundred different things to a hundred different people that reads it.

I ran into a really "terrible" but in all honestly excellent way to explain what I mean. I made a post on social media, Facebook. My intentions were to absolutely honor the person that I was speaking of... for he had passed away extremely suddenly and was one of "us"... with Lupus, with RA, Sjogren's and he suffered from several vital organs that were all involved with the illnesses. So, I was posting something from one of the organizations that I am an Ambassador for (Platinum Ambassador now)... a portion of a newsletter that was sent to me, from the Foundation to pass on freely to social media, friends, emails, wherever I might like and to whom I might want to pass onto... I had just "pulled" the entire "newsletter" from my email and made it a graphic basically. There were no "clickable" links posted with it. Of course the Foundations name etc was on it... a portion of the article was commending not just myself but all of the North Central Texas Regions advocates, activists, Ambassadors etc. for getting several more of our Congress people on board. We felt this was an incredible feat since we had mid-term elections that "hit" us in losing several that were on our "Arthritis Caucus"... and were "helping to advocate" for us from the Federal Congress. Well, when I "cut it out" and copied it into a .jpeg it never dawned on me that on the very bottom of the newsletter it had a "donate now" button on it. I really did not pay it much mind or give thought that someone would misinterpret what I was trying to say.

I had been trying to say that our "fallen Advocate" would want us to push forward, to be proud of what we were and will accomplish. He would not have wanted us to wail and loose site of what our "jobs" were all about... which was advocating to win the fight against Autoimmune and Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses. Thus to me, posting that newsletter, that actually came out the same day he passed away to me was "honoring" what his wishes would have been. Well, most of his "advocate" and volunteer work was done with one non-profit, charity. So, someone got the "impression" even though I carefully worded it that I DID NOT MEAN monetarily, but more in our advocacy work he would be sad if we didn't show what strides we made... thus having 5 new Congress People on board for him would have been as his saying "Onward and Upward"... but of course SOME PEOPLE have to READ things into what was posted and think that I meant for people to "give" donations in "His name" to this particular Foundation. Which happened to be the one he did most of his volunteer work for. Which that NEVER even entered my head... I meant in "heart and soul" type of work not anything that had to do with making a "donation" in his memory anywhere, unless that is something personally people want to do... then that is between them and their own hearts... not for myself nor ANYONE to decide. Well, it got back to me very quickly, of course.

And I "flew off the handle"... it hurt me so deeply that here I was trying to put something up "good" that this gentleman would have himself been so proud of in his memory, but just because I did not think to cut off the bottom that said "Donate Now"... and as I said it was NOT any type of link to click at all to donate a thing... but others got their panty hose in the crack about something that was supposed to be uplifting, kind and from the heart. NOT EVERYTHING in life has to be ABOUT CASH!!!! I think it hurt me that anyone would feel the "need" to ask me, much less even think that is what I meant. IF they would have READ MY POST, that went along with that graphic, they would have IMMEDIATELY known I was NOT ASKING FOR DONATIONS IN THIS MAN'S NAME!!! For no one... no charity, no non-profit, no where, no how, but someone had to "go there"...

Then once all was "explained" and said, done and as far as I was concerned over with... to CLARIFY things and not have any more WONDERING... I took down the graphic, left up the post with an explanation as to why the graphic was NOW by itself and took the "Donate now" off of it!!! Someone asked me why I "bowed down" to that crap....

It is not that I "bowed down" at all. What I did was STOP the stupid rumors coming from those mouths that did NOT have the courage to ask me. They went behind my back, told someone else, and then they had to come and ask me... Which was total nonsense. As I also put in the post, if for any reason, anyone has an issue with myself, my posts, or what my intentions are, ASK ME!! Don't beat around the bush, walk around the mountain, and get someone else involved in it. I could have answered the question and all would have been done... Now I am still somewhat perturbed... and I notice not many have said much on my Facebook page after that... well it could be the "holidays" and people are out and about .... busy... thus are not posting as much. But, I feel someone got the butt up over the dash board for nothing... and now they are trying to back track out of it.

Okay--------- to be continued

Wishing Your and Yours A Very Wonderful Holiday and A Happy New Year!

Before time flies by and I don't get here to post as I want to... I am doing this a few days early, so the "brain drain and brain fog" does not take me away from doing this.

I am writing a long piece about the holidays, the things I miss so much, that I can't do anymore because of the Autoimmune Illnesses, and just how heartbreaking the diseases are for so many. They take the quality of Life away that you had, and turn it upside down. They often take away many things you used to love to do, even small things we used to take for granted now, are sometimes impossible to achieve.

I shall post it when I am finished but for now, I want to ...

WISH YOU AND YOURS AN INCREDIBLE CHRISTMAS, A 2015 THAT SHALL BRING PEACE, HARMONY, GOOD HEALTH, PROSPERITY AND MANY MORE OF THE WONDERFUL THINGS IN LIFE YOUR WAY... and I also wish our WORLD would FIND PEACE, A WAY TO GET ALONG WITH EVERYONE, COUNTRY TO COUNTRY, NATION TO NATION, NEIGHBORHOOD TO NEIGHBORHOOD... FOR EVEN IN OUR OWN TOWNS WE SEE THEM DIVIDED AND IT SHOULD NOT BE THAT WAY... So the saying from the Word of the Lord... 

Peace on Earth and Goodwill to "Men" and Women....

Missing Many of Life's Amazing Things ... through the Eyes of an Autoimmune Patient

Memories of What The Past Life meant back then, and How to “begin” Anew Once Your Life has been totally turned upside down and pulled inside out…

I started writing this yesterday evening. Then I worked on it some this morning. I have a great deal to add. But, I am in the middle of having the Flu. I woke up yesterday morning with the worst headache, even worse than any migraine... and my entire body from head to toe hurt and ached. I knew I had to been running a fever, thus I was. It started at 99 degrees, and quickly began to rise even after aspirin, Tylenol.... it was already up to almost 101 by the time I decided what to do. First I called my PCP. But was on hold at least 20 minutes with them. Thus even though I did get to leave a message for my doctor, I knew he would probably need to see me. The last thing already figuring I have the Flu, and then my Autoimmune system compromised.... I decided as badly as I felt to go to our local Urgent Care Center. So, I did. Thankfully when I arrived hardly no one was there and I got into see the doctor quickly. He did verify I have the flu. I got the Tamiflu script and he told me to be prepared for a horrible cough to come. So, he gave me cough medication to be prepared for that. Anyway, I wanted to at least get this much posted... and I promise when I am feeling better to finish it.... but here is the beginning of just how much your life changes when an autoimmune or chronic pain or illness comes along...


I had this come to mind yesterday afternoon. I was doing something in the kitchen and I got to thinking about just HOW MUCH life has changed within the past 20 years. Some of those things are okay to gone and blown into the 4 winds. Some although, have created turmoil in our lives, and honestly it scares the hell out of me.


When I think back just 10 years ago, Jim and I had first met, in 2003, on a Memorial Day Weekend. I was searching at that time for the “one” special person in my life that I could share everything with. I actually went to Seattle thinking I had found him. Yet, that relationship was never meant to last. As I’ve seen and felt now, I realized that relationship was never really meant to be. It was more of a stepping stone to get me out of Texas, out of the horror of Domestic Violence that had been dragging me into the black hole of no where. I needed a drastic change in order to get my own life back, to get a new perspective on life, and a new, The ”odd”  part of it all, is I went not truly prepared as far as my clothing, my attire was more for a lighter cold, and not a heavier cold weather. Fortunately, the weather was fairly nice at that time of the year (I had arrived in Seattle at 8:00 pm Halloween Night 2001).

I think back on the times even before Seattle, before the Autoimmune Illnesses began to rear their ugly heads. Those days are for the most part all gone. The years I could decorate my entire home for Christmas. From the kitchen, bedroom, to the living room, kids rooms, bathrooms and even outside the house. Everything was in a “Kris Kringle” theme. I was always so Christmas oriented, and I never wanted it any other way. That was just one piece o the puzzle of life, that always seemed to make sense. 

Never back then did I ever give a thought that life would be “different” and that I would not be in a situation that I could no longer do so many of my daily living activities that I had become accustomed to over the years. I had a few instances that due to Migraines I was to bow out and not attend a few things. Yet, never would I have dreamed within 10 short years, I would never be able to do so many of the things I loved to do again. But, it had and had happened.

I can’t blame it on anyone or anything, I’ve just fallen into a realm of life, that has robbed me of the beautiful things I used to be able do. This is an insight as to just how much my life, as well as many others lives, have changed from the bottom to the top in so many different ways. We don’t even realize how many things are never the same. I think we become so complacent in some ways, while our concentration then goes to other places where we never had to go. For instance, new doctors, all of the different diagnosis, medications, what we can do with diet, exercise, different and alternative ways to help ourselves feel better. I think for me I went into the “untrue” mode. I refused to believe I had a chronic illness or illnesses that would take my life and flip it all around. Then for many, we go from doctor to doctor, fighting insurance companies to pay, finding out some doctors that we think “should know” about our illnesses do not. Physicians had so “specialized” themselves to the point that one Rheumatologist may deal with RA, but not really treat Lupus. Another may deal with Lupus, but not really deal with MS. Multiple Sclerosis in itself a strange disorder. It is more of an “autoimmune illnesses that harms the nerve endings” thus often time a certain type of Neurologist maybe the doctor to see. Yet again some Neurologists know little or do not really treat MS. So, it can be an extremely frustrating, trying, wanting to give up time that will actually take YEARS in many cases to get the “right” physician, who knows the correct information, and can properly give you a diagnosis, that ultimately can then be addressed and treated.

So, a couple of days ago, I got to thinking about the “little everyday things” I no longer do. The list continues to get longer and longer. I no longer cook as much from “scratch” as I used to. Baking has always been one of my favorite things to do. An example is just about every year since we moved here in this house, I have made home made pumpkin, date, banana breads and more. Then one year I actually made “mini-loaves” of fresh home made baked bread right out of the oven. It turned out so beautifully. I also make sugar cookies, cut out and decorated, fruitcake from my own “family” recipe, fudge, sometimes peanut brittle, cookies with the kisses in the middle, and more. We always wrapped it all up individually in decorated plastic wrap, then made a “Christmas Sack” for each of our 5 closest neighbors. I was a highlight of our holiday. I spent weeks and weeks baking and cooking hand and home made everything.

This year things are so just under the radar of holidays, that we probably not give anything to the neighbors, if so it will be only a few slices of fruitcake. I’ve not made any of the breads, the cookies I am not sure if I will feel like it, especially now since I have the flu! I don’t do as much baking from scratch at all, but have had to go to boxed cake mixes and store bought frosting. Cookie mixes rather than me put them together myself, and same way with pies. I often buy the “canned” fruit, or creme - like key lime or lemon, then I do make a crumb topping for them. So, that is just one of the many things, I no longer am really able to do. Either fatigue, or being so slow at everything, or being in pain, or feeling ill… even my own “daily home” cooking has fallen below “home made” which is NOT good because everything is full of salt, sugar, even the “light”, “low fat”   or low carb stuff tends to be not that healthy at all,

I used to mow my lawn, and do all of the yard work. From planting, to gardening, to flower beds, and house plants, I did it all. Now I do well to half way rake up leaves, a couple cans at a time, and forget the mowing, weed eating, and even trying to hoe is very difficult for me.

I can no longer wear my 5, 6, and 7 inch platforms heels. I have loved those so much even before they became all the rage again in the last couple of years. I have 3 pairs of very high heeled platforms that I totally dream of wearing again. When i go into the shoe store it almost makes me sick to see all of the incredible high heels and platforms. yet I cannot even attempt
to think about wearing them out in the public. I would certainly now fall, due to my artificial knees, and taking a chance of a fall, just is not appealing when I have “severe osteoporosis”.    

Of course no snow skiing which was my biggest thrill. I can still somewhat play the keyboard, piano, and I can still band around a short while on the drums but not for long.

Some things I can do, but it takes me 20 times longer than it used to. If I am getting dressed to go out somewhere special I must start at least 4 hours early if not more. I am then lucky if I am ready on time, Even typing this, of course I also have the flu at this point, but my wrists, thumbs, hands and fingers are beginning to hurt and become too stiff to type. The brain fog hinders what used to be a mind that could spin around in 15 directions all at once, and I could multi-task and get them all done and feel wonderful as I did them. I miss college classes. I miss being able to walk 5 or even 10 miles a day. I miss traveling, vacationing, heading out for a weekend  get away.

I get sick of planning a day around being sick. I hate getting up and never knowing if I will feel “okay” or horrible that day. I am pissed that I can’t do things like put up my light fixtures, finish mudding the bathroom walls, painting the outside of the house, laying my flooring in my bathroom and kitchen and all of the DIY things I used to do on a daily basis, never giving a thought that I may not be able to do the little things, like get flowers for Christmas out to Dad’s and my Grandparents Graves. By now I would have Dad’s Tree out there all decorated… and Poinsetta’s for my Grandparents.

Sometimes it is difficult for me to type, to write, and to clip coupons. My hands don’t seem to work as well, and neither does my brain. I FEAR that if I don’t write my books (the next 2) very soon, I may lose the “brain power” wording, spelling, and aptitude it takes to write a book and get it published.

There are days that even the simplest words seem impossible to spell. Maybe the simplest sentence I have problems with finishing properly. I am one to NOT use the same word over and over again. But, without the Thesaurus, I would never have the brain as I used to have that remembered everything, no matter how large or small it was. Days I lose that ability to find them within my own thinking.  I used to be a grand speller. I had 100’s on every spelling test and then I won many spelling contests because I was so great as a speller. People cam and asked me how to spell a certain word, and used to I could rattle it off without hesitating.

Being able to learn new things. That was my forte’. Any and everything I didn’t know something about, and was interested, I wanted to learn. And, I did. Whether it was flying a plane, or knowing how one flies was remarkable to me. Even my “Annual Christmas Letter” that was usually all decorated with a border and colors for the typing, got left with me printing the letter on regular paper, in black and white, with no border. It was too much this year for me to deal with and I knew I needed to get the cards out before it was too late!                                                                                                     



More to come......

And thus it continues... the brain fog is so bad, I forgot I had already posted part of this... so here is more.....

Even at this, I am almost feeling like I got "off topic" of what I wanted to say... but I shall post this next installment....

It continues to be the “little” things I had enjoyed so much in my years before I became chronically ill. I was able to do just about everything from going to college full time at night, working full time, taking care of my two kids, a home, a mortgage, car payments, and everything that goes along with those things.

The day that I knew for certain I would no longer be able to hold down a full time job anymore, was on of the most depressing, the saddest, the fearful, time of my life. I had no idea how I would make it in Seattle. Jim and I had already met, but he was living with a friend over by Lake Washington, he had a full time job, that actually was knocked to part time, so he had his own portion of rent and bills to pay. I was very leery of anything at that time…. from even thinking about Jim and I, we had just really met, to finding another at least part time job. I had rent monthly, and a car payment monthly, plus my bills which were not that bad with just me. So, I looked actively for a job daily, from the paper, online, asking around, and even went for a couple of interviews both at banks. Both seemed like great positions, but they also seemed very stressful, and it would mean me working MORE hours that I already had been working, which was one reason I got ill in the first place. So, I was offered both, but turned them down graciously. This was about time my lease for my apartment would be coming up. I knew that the woman above us was not thrilled with our TV (which was a 16 inch tiny TV with an antenna inside, or she would gripe if we smoked outside on the deck… said she could smell it… well there were lots of wooded areas, and honestly I think she was just jealous that I had found someone that was coming over fairly often. Anyway, the problem was my own next door neighbor. He was the one with the very loud music and television. But I knew I needed to go and not sign into another year’s lease. So, when it came time to make a decision, I decided to take my stuff, and move in with Jim and his room mate. It seemed “smart” and cheaper at the time. We did have some beautiful memories of Lake Washington, and it was an incredible several months we spent there before we decided it was more than time to move out and find our own place. We did just that. We moved just North of Seattle into Everett. Smart move, loved our apartments and the manager was such a sweetheart….

 It seems from there things began to look brighter… and then in 2005 March, Easter Sunday, I lost my Dad to a brain infection from a knee surgery that just never turned out right. He had that surgery on Feb 15th 2005 my birthday. So, there is always mixed emotions when I try to celebrate.

We found ourselves going ahead with our marriage plans in Vegas about 10 days after going back to Seattle, for I knew Dad would have wanted it that way. Then we also knew it was only a matter of time, and I would need to be back in Texas, close to my Mom. Being an only child, and my Dad took care of everything, Mom was not even able to put gas in her car.

At the time, I had already hired an attorney, and was in the process of my 2nd appeal for my Disability, Social Security benefits. After a short time in California, for a job Jim got that was not working out, we loaded up the U-Haul once again, and headed for Texas. We had no clue what we were going to do when we got there, but we knew we had to come back. So on December 19th, 2005 we arrived in Ennis Texas. I had already checked on apartments, so luckily we got into one just a couple of days after arriving. They were so nice and hurried to clean it, touch it up and laid new carpet. So, we celebrated that Christmas in Ennis. Actually both of my kids, and my two Grand children got to come up and we had Christmas at our apartment. We had bought the very last “real” Christmas tree in town, and it was scrawny but we decorated it, and it turned out beautiful.

We spent a year there, and in about August 2006, I got word I would need to make a trip to Seattle for my “hearing” for my disability. We flew back, not knowing what to expect, and when we left I did not know for sure if I had “won” my case or not. It might be a month before the judge sent me the letter. But, I could tell from his comments in the hearing that he probably would give me a favorable outcome. Thus about 5 weeks later, I got my letter saying I did get my full disability and they paid me retroactively back from 2004, so I got a fairly good sized check. We looked for a house, small, but something we could work on, yet not too much work, and thus we found our house in December 2006, and got to move in after much DIY renovations, paint, redoing floors, and so forth, at the end of January 2007.

My disability then meant I had Medicare. I took a Medicare Advantage Plan, and then the real fun began. I had 8 surgeries in  2007 alone. Two total knee replacements, a shoulder replacement, wrist surgery, bladder surgery, my other shoulder had been scoped, and my hips injected a couple of times. My left elbow had surgery, and the right one was giving me issues, but I was fortunate enough that my right elbow and so far both hips have been able to stay together enough that the corticosteroid injections have kept me from having surgery.

In 2009, I went to a new PCP (Family doctor) that after a couple of months of seeing me, did a great deal of blood work. I had even mentioned Lupus, RA, or some other type of autoimmune disorder. He thought so also, thus the blood work came back showing I was positive for probably Lupus, RA, and later confirmed I had Sjogren’s and Raynauds.

After those diagnosis, things went nuts from there. Rheumatologists, several that really were not specializing in my type of issues. The pain had already sent me to a pain doctor, who was treating me for the chronic pain, migraines and all of the pain that went along with the AI illnesses. In 2010, he made the decision I needed an “internal pain pump” to try and get my pain more under control. So, October 2010 I underwent yet another surgery, having it put in.

All of that and more are why my heart breaks when I watch someone on Television skiing down a slope full of white powdery snow. Or, when I don’t feel well enough to go out to the store, or to even sit here and type. The brain fog causes me all kind of issues, from having to make list after list …. Even writing this, I did not recall that I had already posted a portion of it on my blog….
                                                                                              

Blogging My "Real" Life as an Autoimmune Arthritis "Victim"

Some May find my "Blog" a bit Different, so I want to give more of "me" to you... 

I realize that my blog may be a bit "rough around the edges" at times. I would much rather tell it like it is daily in my life. I prefer not to "sugar coat" daily living with autoimmune arthritis, chronic pain, and health issues that almost control my every waking minute!

So, rather than try to sit here, and find ways to give people a look at what myself and my family go through in reality. Doing that to me, is giving you, as another victim of these horrid illnesses a chance to know it is "okay" to be angry, upset, have bad days, say what you feel, not sugar coat your own reality, not have to try and hide the fact that your life is also just a mess at times because these illnesses overtake every step you make.

When you have a flare, nothing is "nice". Everything "sucks". Life is truly Hell! So, I could write about my medications, or find anything else to sit here and say, but that would not be what I need to give those who are following me a "false sense" of the days when you feel like you've been run over my a train! Times when you are on your sofa, or in bed, wishing you could have a break from pain, fatigue, shingles, mouth ulcers, rashes, stomach issues, kidney problems, medications that cause side effects, and this list goes on and on.

When these Autoimmune Diseases decide to enter your life, nothing, and I mean NOTHING is the same!!! You have to "adjust" your life in all ways. There are things you can't do sometimes. Like go out with the girls shopping, or meet the guys after work for a beer. Family get togethers, may find you smack middle in a horrible flare, or worn down from a new infusion, thus you feel guilty yet you feel like you will just have to sit this one out, (probably more like lay this one out). Your "normal" routine of life is completely turned upside down. Often you wake up with pain, and stiffness, that makes you have to take additional time to get up and get going. You find yourself slower at everything. It once took me about half an hour to get dressed to go somewhere. Now I better start at the very LEAST 2 hours ahead of time. Sometimes more than that, depending how I feel that day. You may not have the strength to do laundry, vacuum, dust, clean the bathroom, and make a fabulous dinner. More than likely if you get a couple of things done, and a meal on the table, that is a "good day". Shopping becomes a living nightmare. If you have a huge market or are going to a large store such as "Wally World" by the time you get in from the parking lot, you feel as if you walked a mile. Then if you are truly shopping with an entire list of things, that means "hours" of going through that humongous store!!! Then if no one is with you, that means taking that entire basket full to your vehicle, loading your purchase into your vehicle, and then trying to put a basket somewhere hoping one of their places for baskets is close!!! Plus, I bet many of you have this happen... I have a "disabled parking" plackard. My orthopedic surgeon wanted me to have one when I went through all of those knee replacements, then just all of the other illnesses, shoulder replacement, neck surgery... so I have one.
If you are not absolutely limping, have a crutch, or in some way look "disabled" boy are there the "looks" that you get from others!!! Thus the business about you do not look "disabled" or sick! Now I am one that uses mine sometimes, and at other times I park in a regular spot. If I am alone, and I am there to buy a large bill of groceries, or I am in a flare, not well, weather truly bad, I use mine. But if my husband's with me, or I am feeling okay etc... and especially if there is only one left, then I just ry to park in a normal spot so someone else can use it.

There are so many ways our lives are different. Some of those differences are just almost too difficult to deal with. Vacations you may miss, your hobbies that you used to love. I have a dear friend who loves sports. She used to play baseball, softball, and loved so many sports, yet RA has damaged her wrist and hand, thus that ended her ever playing ball, or other sports she so loves again. I hear story after story. For me, things such as running, snow skiing, mowing my lawn and doing yard work is out of the question. Bless my neighbors heart, he sees I've bought plants, or need to weed the flower beds, or mow, and he insists on doing all of it, and never wants to take a dime for helping. But I know he and his wife and two kids have a difficult time making ends meet, so I always give him money and tell him it is "for the kids"... LOL Then he will take it. :)

Sometimes we see family and friends all but disappear from our lives. It could be for several reasons. One might be there are those that just don't do well around someone who is "chronically" ill. Not in a bad way, but they can't take watching you in pain and suffering. So, they tend to not be around as much as they may have been. Others are just "busy". Since you have "slowed" down, and they are still in that "run, run run" mode, they don't want to be slowed down due to your illness. It sounds horrible but I know it's true. Others just fear the entire ordeal. Either they "fear" it is contagious (sounds ridiculous, but I had someone ask me if it was), or they fear it will cause them to be in a "mental anguish" if they see you in a state of illness. Some are in disbelief that you are that sick. Some family and friends are in "denial". They feel you are making all of it up. They feel it is just like, okay so your knees hurt, or your wrists hurt, well others have "arthritis" & they are up and doing fine. Some think you are a hypochondriac. And that if you would just stop all of those "harmful medications" and take vitamins, eat "right, exercise,  you would "feel better". Or there are those that every thing they see online or on the Television they think it is what you need! My Mom is bad about that? She doesn't sleep, so she watches those stupid "info-mericals" all night. Then when I go over to her house, she has all of these names of rubs, pills, etc. that should "help me". So, I have to come home, get online, prove to her the stuff is pure "quackery" and let her know none of it will help me, nor anyone else! Bless her heart, she is still in that "zone" due to her age, that every thing she sees, hears, reads, she totally thinks it is the truth! She gets phone calls from sales telemarketers constantly. She used to listen to them6, and believe every word they said. I had to put a "no solicitors" sign on her front door. Again she was constantly bombarded with people trying to "pave her driveway", or "insurance her water pipes", or "save her money on her Electric bill".

Speaking of my Mom. I am here to help her. I am an only child, thus I feel it is my responsibility since my Dad passed away in 2005 from complications of a knee replacement. She was and still is in many ways completely clueless about the world. Even small things like using a "debit" card, or putting gas in her car, calling in a prescription refill & putting it in the "automated system". She would not even learn how to use a DVD player we bought her. Dad did it all. Bill paying, handling money and investments, from putting gas in the car, to mowing the lawn, or taking care of just about any and everything. Which was great, BUT he NEVER taught Mom how to do any of it!!! So, when he passed away, it was total chaos here. We did move here, from Seattle, so we both would be close enough to help her. Of course I was already in need of several surgeries, so my first couple of years here were spent in the operating room and recovering. I helped her until I finally got my total disability rewarded, then it I could finally get to the doctors I needed to get to. At the time though I had not gotten the "autoimmune arthritis" diagnosis. It became apparent as the orthopedic surgeon was in my knees, shoulders, and so forth that this was not some regular "osteoarthritis", there was much more there in damage than it could have done so quickly and so early in my life. It was not long after a couple of surgeries on my shoulder and both knees, that my PCP put it all together and diagnosed the "autoimmune arthritic" illnesses. I began to have all types of symptoms.

Back to Mom now that I've given you a bit of "history" about her. So, I also have to do many things for her. It is not usually a huge issue, but there are days, or even weeks that I am busy enough, or have a flare, that trying to take care of "me", and then trying to take care of the house, and then all of her things going on, becomes almost overwhelming. You would not believe the mess that I had to go through with her insurance and the surgery center to get her surgery bill paid correctly! I spent over 6 months trying to get the to "code" the surgery correctly so the insurance would pay. I was treated like trash, I was spoken to like I was an idiot, I was "lied" to, because for 3 months I was told the "supervisor" had to handle it, and she was "out" with surgery. It was all a bunch of bull. I even went out there face to face and they basically said I was wrong, and I needed to just leave. That was in front of all the people in the waiting area! Well, I knew that the orthopedic surgeon did have his own personal funds in the center. Several of our doctors got together and opened it, with another company's help. So. I went to the "big boys". I wrote a letter explaining ALL of it. I had names, dates, what they said, etc. and I told it all. I took it to my doctor's office. About 2 days later, not only did I get a call from my doctor, I got a call from the head gentleman over the entire center, with a HUGE apology!!!!! They were "grafling" at my feet, trying to make amends for the stupidity and ignorance of their "staff" the worked with filing insurance claims. Plus not only was Mom one of the patients that had the same insurance and they had tried to say they owed money that they didn't owe either. The point of me talking about this, IS because all of that took my time up, and lots of it. Even when I was home, ill and certainly not feeling like talking to those "morons", I did it, because it had to be done.

I realize that I certainly not the ONLY HUMAN on this Earth with some type of chronic illness/pain. I also have come to a real eye opener. That is we have a tremendous amount of our population all over the WORLD suffering from Autoimmune Arthritic Diseases!!! And in bringing those facts into the entire realm of this blog post, they also are subject to losing friends, relatives, not having a care taker, or they are a "care taker" for a family member or even possibly a close friend!

So, how do we "balance" the situations? We NEVER know when a flare or symptoms are going to pop up. We may feel great in the morning and have shingles, fatigue, pain, or any number of problems within hours. So, it is almost impossible to try and "estimate" how much or how little you will have the "physical" ability to do. The ONLY way I can do things, is try to make arrangements ahead of time. But, if somethings happens to me, or I am ill, I try to have an "alternative" plan ready. Fortunately, up until about 6 weeks ago, my husband can "step in" and take Mom to the doctor, or run an errand, or whatever she might need, he can handle it.

Of course as "Rhia's Law" might have it, my husband has been in terrible pain. Between going to a clinic and having a MRI, that shows the pain in his shoulder is coming from his neck. Well, I can certainly relate. Same Story with my last surgery. Almost my entire cervical spine was a mess. I had a 4 level discectomy, fusion and 2 replacement discs. So, I totally understand his situation. But, now my "caretaker" is out of pocket. I've had to basically "buck up" and pull not only My "Weight", but HIS and MOM'S also. Now he is in bed with some type of horrible flu, bronchitis or something. It happened suddenly night before last, and I pray I don't get it. I've disinfected everything in this house 10 times! And I am staying as far away as I can. I fear if I catch what he has, I'll be in the hospital with my immune system as it is. I've already been exposed to more than I care to think about having to be at clinics several times with my husband and Mom.

So, WE (WE - as in ALL of US with AUTOIMMUNE ARTHRITIC DISEASES) can and do have a great many "mountains" to climb. We also know about those deep valley's. They can take you in so quickly and put you right down at the foot of the mountain you just climbed up. Of course we also have "rewards" in the sense of the term when it comes to "us", "we" when the time comes for us to assist those like ourselves into a direction of wellness!!! When we use our voices, social media, writing, blogging, sharing, volunteering; ALL of those things are divine intervention that shall lead to better and quicker diagnosis, much more aggressive and earlier treatments, that then can HALT some or much of the damage these diseases do!!! It is "too late" for me. I have so much "damage" that even though we are trying to aggressively work on it, I already have most of my joints either replaced, and the others will probably have to be, hopefully not, but it is a good possibility I face that in my future.

BUT, until the moment I can no longer type (so I will find a program I can speak into and it will type for me), my heart, my soul, and my mind is set on the GOAL of HELPING others! Standing up with other like minded wonderful people that also share in my heart's goal!!! Through our struggle, and trepidations. we have found STRENGTH today and we stand United in our goals to change the face of Autoimmune Arthritis Diseases forever!

So, this is much of "my life"... day to day... and now the part here at the last is the very best. It is my new opportunity I've found with the IFAA, as an Active Volunteer. I've also been able to be able to give my own story to WEGO when I was invited to be on a panel. My blogging shall also continue to be not only here but on the IFAA's blog site. And with the upcoming WAAD14!!!! there shall be AMAZING THINGS FOR EVERYONE TO GET INTO THE Online CONVENTION in early 2014!!! There will be more upcoming information as we get closer to it! So, I'll post more when I know details... Take care of YOU!!!! Then you can help others....

Annual Family Christmas Letter for 2013....

                   How Can It Be Christmas 2013 Already?

I’ve been contemplating over writing this “annual Christmas Letter” for weeks. Although it is a tradition, and I am not one for altering traditions; life in itself gives you no choice BUT to alter, change, move, forward, backward, and sometimes even upside down, as far as the traditional sense goes.

I do just sit here in wonderment of just how quickly this year has flown by. It seems each February that rolls around (my birthday month), makes that year fly by swifter than the one before. As kids we fuss that it takes such a long time for holidays, a new school year, Summer to arrive, time for us to have our driver’s license, time to graduate… 
After you are out of school, in a job, possibly have a spouse, a family, and all of the hustle and bustle that goes with those things, time seems to “turn a page” in a greater way than the years before. Marriages seem to go by more quickly, kids grow up just all too fast, and then you are again by yourselves, with an occasional visit from the kids and the Grand kids. 

As I watch my own Grand kids grow, they are also growing from one stage in childhood so fast, and the next thing you know, they are like my Grand Daughter Heather. Here she is a teenager and getting her driver’s license as they turn 16 in the blink of an eye. My oldest Grand son James jut turned 8 on the 6th of December. As I looked at all of his  birthday pictures on Facebook earlier this morning, my memories were of him, just practically a newborn a few weeks after we moved back to Texas in 2005. I am amazed as I think about them visiting at that time, with their first newborn son together; yet now their is the 2nd one Logan, who is sure not a baby anymore either. It was so cute to see Logan right beside James every step he made in those pictures! He follows his “big brother” around everywhere he goes. Then again I see Heather, the oldest as a young woman, not the tiny 2 year old child she was when I first met her. Time has flown by, and it does just seem to fly more quickly with each turn of a page in life. 

We tend to take “time” for granted. So, rather than spend this moment of time fussing about how time flies by, I’ll spend these few moments to let you know a bit about the homes of our families.

Mom is doing well. In fact, she is doing much better than the rest of us in many ways. Her health is good. But, she did go through a bit of a scare with her heart earlier in the year. She had been a bit short of breath, but she called me one morning to say she could not even walk to the mail box without being very winded. So, I called, got her into the doctor, and they thought it was her heart. They wheeled her over to the ER at the hospital next door. Her EKG, blood work, and all indicated she did not have a heart attack, so that was a good thing. In fact her doctor kept her overnight, and monitored her heart, along with doing labs every few hours to make sure nothing was awry. He wanted her to see a cardiologist just for the sake of making sure all was okay. in fact I took her to my own cardiologist, who is just wonderful. Dr. Meg Sullivan put Mom with a couple of other tests, and one was an echocardiogram. There was a “severe” abnormality of her mitral valve, which would not have been caught on an EKG or blood work. It was “sloppy” and loose, thus blood with oxygen is not all getting where it needs to be, thus causing her to be out of breath. The first “echo” was showing this in the “severe” range. That usually means open heart surgery, the only way to repair that valve. I think they have some doctors doing it with a scope, but I am not sure just how well that is going yet. Anyway, I asked Dr. Meg if we could do something “else” before we consider going through a huge surgical procedure. Mom was of course stunned and certainly NOT ready to even think about open heart surgery and I was also quite stunned myself. I think our cardiologist saw that neither of us were exactly thrilled and in fact both of us, Mom and I were in shock. That was the last thing we expected to hear. So, the doctor did suggest that Mom could “increase” one of her medications, Lasix, so it would take MORE fluid from her body. With that, even less sodium intake, adding more Potassium to her schedule, and “decreasing” the amount of fluids she drank daily. Believe it or not, it worked! The Lord was certainly on her side and all of ours. Two weeks after she began this routine, they did another ultrasound on her heart. Not only did the issue go from “severe”, but decreased that “sloppiness” so much, that her mitral valve was almost “normal”, rather than appearing diseased! Talk about miracles! That was a miracle. So far, that was at the first of the year, she has not had any real issues again. I am sure it may come to give problems some day, but for now, she had a 6 month check up about a month ago, and all appears to be well. I was extremely thankful. Mom has been so very fortunate health wise, that I am not sure she would stand to go through something that dramatic as far as a surgical procedure. She is having some horrible pain issues with her right shoulder. It has gotten so bad she is unable to even comb her hair. I’ve been fussing for her to see our Orthopedic surgeon. I feel it could be her neck, since I went through much of the same with mine. After having a shoulder replacement on the right, then also having cervical neck surgery due to continued pain in my right shoulder blade, I fear her issues could be cervical neck related also. Other than this issue with her shoulder, and of course she is having more problems with arthritis, and a bit “feeble” like having to watch going up and down stairs, holding onto rails more, and that kind of thing, she is doing very well to be 78 years old. She sends her love to all.

Both Jason and Amanda; along with Amanda’s husband and three children are all doing okay. Jason recently took a job not far from where Amanda and her family live; about 30 minutes out of Corpus Christi. So, he spends quite a bit of time with her and her family. I  am happy that they have one another close now. They have been close to each other, ever since they grew out of that “kid sister - older brother” stage years ago. It is wonderful to see them enjoy one another and have a good relationship. She stays on the go as usual. Never a dull moment with the three kids and their friends and families. She just doesn’t know “yet” how to sit still very long! Reminds me of “me” when I was her age. 

Jason decided to change a few things in his life. He is out of the career for now of any type of law enforcement, and is now working for a company out of Corpus Christi in the oil business. He seems to like it, and it seems to be less stressful, of course than the law enforcement jobs. Jason has some issues health wise with what seems to be symptoms of Fibromyalgia. He has had “aches and pains” with his joints for several years now. As of this past year it seems that some other symptoms have cropped up. These newer symptoms seem to exemplify more in the range of “FM” (Fibromyalgia)/“CFS/ME” (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). He has been taking some medication that seems to be helping and our hopes are that he shall continue to see improvement, and be able to continue on with all of his dreams and plans for the future. 

Well, “our home”. Actually things have been not nearly as “upside down” on the health front as the past few years had been. In saying that, I have had “new symptoms” and side effects from the Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses. They have not been the most pleasant to say the least. I suddenly developed “double vision” the first part of this year. We first thought it was because I was not getting much sleep. So, I was overly tired most of the time, thus it was effecting my eye sight. I went through several doctors/specialists, lots of tests, including a “temporal artery biopsy”, and in the end, one of the best specialists in the field told me, “Frankly, he thinks it’s the Lupus, but is not sure exactly why it is”. He put a totally different type of glasses on me, with spheres in both lenses. They do a great job correcting the double vision, while I am wearing them. With them off, I still see “double”. Although we are still a bit baffled by it all, we also know when it comes to these autoimmune illnesses that have kind of “taken” over; there sometimes it just “not” a “diagnosis” or “explanation” but to say it is one of those. 
I have made change in the RA medication. I am taking “infusions” every 4 to 6 months. The hope is that this medication will somewhat control the RA pain AND our greatest hope is that it will slow down the progression of the damage to my joints. I have my thumbs that are just in terrible shape. The use of my hands continues to get worse each year. Until I have just about lost all use, or the doctors insist on “fusing” the thumb joints or replacing them, I just do things to help assist me in opening things, buttoning, holding and so on. My only other “oddity” is that I recently developed an “oval lump” on my lower left abdomen. I was at three doctors, had a sonogram, and no one could figure it out! (what’s new)… Finally, one of my regular physicians’, PA (assistant) saw me again, and “bingo” she found the problem right away. Of all things I have a “hernia”, actually I now have 2 hernia’s, one on each side; left and right. Only me! From all I have read and been told, hernia’s (inguinal hernia’s) are EXTREMELY difficult to find in females. Plus, they are usually “genetic” in nature. When we are in the womb, well before even “sex” is determined there are two tubes that form, and after that then the “sex” of the baby happens. But, those “tubes” especially in females can be “weak”. That weakness tends to run in families. So, as my PA told me, my own daughter could be subject to having a hernia or hernia’s also. It is only genetic as far as they know, more on the female side. Even though male babies, often have a hernia(s) when they are born, or very small. But those in themselves, supposedly are not “genetic”. I thought it was “wild” but I did some research and that is exactly what I found. I guess we learn something new no matter how old we are. Life to me stays absolutely fascinating for that reason! No matter how lousy I feel, or what is going on, I still love learning something new all the time! Especially when it comes to the “medical realms” of life. 

Jim, is also having one heck of a time with a shoulder/neck problem. He recently had an MRI, and in fact we have not gotten the results as of the time I am writing this letter. Our hopes are, and fingers crossed, that he is not facing surgery. But, it just does not look good. He stays in a tremendous amount of pain, and of all things, the pain is almost unbearable each time he sits down at the computer to work. Well, being the he designs and develops web sites as a career makes it a bad situation all the way around. I pray that rather than be some that needs surgery, that it may be something that is a “chronic inflammatory” process, which possibly corticosteroids in a larger dose, for an extended length of time, and some powerful NSAID”s maybe the answer. Surgery is just not something he wants to face at all. Plus he is without health insurance at the time. As anyone knows that works for themselves, with things in a mess as they are in our country with the health insurance situation, we are not sure how we will face something surgical in nature. But, I know that our “Higher Power” is watching over us, and “He” will make everything happen as it should be. 

I swore I wouldn’t make this long, but here it is, long as usual. I’ll just say a couple more things. I did have my 2nd PUBLISHED book go out earlier this year. I now have TWO books published, and they are on amazon.com   …   I use the “pen” name of “Rhia” or “Rhiannon” Steele. Both are Poetry/short Prose books, and are named “Ramblings of A Seasoned Soul” and the other is “Time Tattered Musings”. If you want to and have a moment look them up and you can “Look Inside the book” on Amazon, on both and read a couple of pages in them. My hope was to have a “3rd” book out by now. My “dream” to  be a “published” author has came true twice! Yet, my ultimate dream is to have the journey of my life in a book published. I have the entire “story” in bits and pieces all over my computer as well as in my blog online, and dozens of “handwritten” journals I’ve kept since I was around 14 years old. Every time I try to “begin” the book though, I just never quite come up with how I want that very first paragraph, page; the first chapter to sound. All of us have “a book” in us, is what I had a dear friend say to me. In a way that is so true. We “all” have a story about our lives, and how we got from point “a” as a youngster to point “b” in our present, plus we have ideas about point “c” where we hope to be in the future. But, some just never write it. I want to take that step and tell my story. Much of it, I’ve never shared with anyone. Much of it, I have shared but with only those I felt could totally understood where I came from. Yet, everyone that knows me well, especially Mom and Jim, have continued to encourage me to write “the” book, book… as I call it. 

I hope to accomplish that “dream” and write the “ultimate”, “Book, Book”, this year. That is if the “Lord willing and the creek don’t rise”, as the saying goes. As far as the “rest” of our family, “Tazzy” and “Bubba Gump”, our two “fur kids” are just as spoiled rotten as ever. They are getting older also as we can tell. Tazz, our Pug, is the oldest. She came with us from Seattle. That was in 2005. She was about a year old then. Bubba, is a
“Chi-Weenie”, and he is a character. They both keep us laughing, and talk about “separation anxiety”. They “cry” if I or Jim leave to go to the store! Bless their hearts, they are so accustomed to the both of us being with them. But, they are a joy, even though they can aggravate the heck out of us as times also. Just like 2 kids for sure!

My “projects” are many. It seems I always have my “fingers” in a different pie. I recently became an “Active Volunteer” for a non-profit Foundation that is trying to help bring awareness to Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses. I just “graduated” from a several month class learning about the Foundation, and all they are accomplishing. It is truly an amazing story. The “founder” began about 4 years ago, after she was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. She wanted to make a difference and she has truly already done “miracles” through what started out as a “Buckle Me Up Movement” and a bracelet she made with a “belt buckle” at her apartment in San Francisco. From there it has grown to her and 4 “co-founders”, became an official non-profit foundation, and is about 35 volunteers strong and growing quickly. She has honestly accomplished things in 4 short years that many would never accomplish in a life time. And ALL of us have one or more Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses. The Foundation is International Foundation for Autoimmune Arthritis. I would love it if you have a moment to take a look at their website. Even it does not really tell just how incredible this truly is and how many lives she and all of us as a team shall touch! You can visit the website at: 
http://www.ifautoimmunearthritis.org  …
Also, I will be doing some blogging on their own blog, which is called “Systemically Connected”. Plus my own personal blog, “Gaze Thru Pain - Lupus/RA & This Foggy Brain” is the name of it, and the URL to my blog is :  
http://rhiannonsrisetodreamstate.blogspot.com  …
I have to laugh, of course, as I say every year; I’m not going to make my “Annual Christmas Letter” so long! Of course it is always long, and probably longer than usual. I find as I write, there is lots more that went on during the year, than I think did. 

My hope… Our Hope is the you and your families are healthy, happy, and enjoying one another throughout the holidays. May you find peace, joy, and most of all love throughout 2014 and beyond. Know that we think of you often; even though we aren’t close physically, in our hearts and spirit we are always right there.

Much Love, Merry Christmas and A 2014 that shall be Wonderful!  Rhia,Jim, Tazz, Bubba… and All of Our Family!!!! 

Holiday "Lost" Spirit & The Apparent Lack Of Giving of Self To Find Your Light

Taking The "Money" Out of the Holidays to find the true Reasons for This Wondrous Season

I usually have posted my "annual Christmas letter" by now. I decided this year to wait. I was not sure I even wanted to post it here and on my blog. I have first hand watched so many people that are dear to me, both "right here" and those that are my "FB Family", go through so much pain, suffering, fear, shock, and dreadful things especially within their health, that I find it very difficult to try and make this holiday season "Happy" and feel "Blessed". How do you feel "blessed" when it is like the entire universe has fallen in on you, and that black hole that the universe came from, has now swallowed you up in it, and pulled everything in on top of you??? I know, I know... Faith!!! I've lived in the footsteps of "faith", "hope", & trying to just "be". I have tried my best to "take all the bad" and try to see that positive side that is supposed to come from the resonating facts that it seems nothing lately is very good. In fact if anything, there is just too much "bad". I managed to write my Christmas Letter this year and I did put it in the Xmas cards I sent out. But, even as positive as I tried to be, I feel the ones who read it, will think I want them to "feel sorry" for us, or think I am griping and moaning. Or they will think "Wow" what a mess? I am holding on by my "fingertips" to the rope of faith that always in the past, has "sustained" me, no matter how bad things got. In my past life, things at one time or the other probably have been "worse" in many ways. But, as far as health wise, for myself, my family, and so many of you, it cannot get much worse! I hear it, I see it, I read it daily, everywhere you turn, people are hurting. I know in other ways we hurt also, but I am speaking more about the "physical" pain so many of us are dealing with. From all of the drama around autoimmune diseases, which seem to be running rampant in our world, to those I know that are so dear to me battling cancer, several with diabetes that have now had to begin having dialysis due to kidney failure. These are people in the prime of life! Many my age, and like myself, they are seriously ill in one way or the other. Yesterday, I open our tiny daily paper, and TWO guys 19 YEARS old, were in the "Obituary" column! I was just flabbergasted to say the least! I could not believe my eyes. And what makes it worse, it has been that way now for months. It seems like each day, I open our "Daily Paper" there are people who are in there early 50's and some much younger that are passing away! I realize Ellis County is not tiny, but it certainly is not some huge county with many large cities in it! We have no "cities", but more like towns. Even our county seat, Waxahachie, is not a huge city by any means. So, how can so many people, at such a young age, in a smaller community like this, be so very ill?? It seems like insanity! I had a talk with Jim after seeing the "evening news" yesterday, that all we hear on the news or read, is "bad". Nothing "good" is ever broadcasted. As we talked about it, he said it is because "good news" does NOT sell! In other words, our news is full of the "bad" because that is what brings readers and watchers in! How sad is that? As I began to repute his statement, I began to wonder if what he said is really true? Have we become a society so complacent, so weary, so looking for the dramatic and the shocking, that "good news" does not sell? I have to think he is probably quite right. Look around. Even with the "spirit" of what this season is all about... greed, money, more about "how much" you buy and give for gifts, how "pretty" your tree or decor is, how many gifts under the tree, how many parties you attend, with the latest dress and accessories on... along with how many toys the kids get, how much you spend on your kids, getting them the "latest and best" and most wanted toys on the market, not sparing what you spend at all. I've watched my "debit" card purchases lately be so slow in going through the system. I thought about it, and it is because SO MANY people are going DEEP into Debt, for the New Year that is not even here yet! Those credit card limits are moving to the max fast for many, because rather than being about the "pure" meaning of this holiday, the monetary portion has become number one! The part about the birth of Christ, and what His journey on this earth meant, until the day His "mortal" life was taken, so He could stand in the place of us for all of our many transgressions. I know that the "season of giving", pretty lights, and festive decor are a part of the celebration of His birth. But, we have become totally wrapped up in buying, spending, and thinking about the material things, that the spiritual has been thrown out the window, bath water, bucket, baby and all... as the old saying goes... Rather than getting "better", it seems to just get worse every year. I've witnessed it here my hometown for weeks!!! No matter WHEN I go to the market, or any store in town, no matter the time, the day, everyone is packed like sardines in the stores!!! I have to wonder how people are shopping constantly??? In the middle of the week during the early morning, and early afternoons, the stores are full! I told Jim it appears that people just stay in town, and it is vicious circle... they just drive and shop from one store to the other and must never go home! It sounds like a joke, but heck how can people afford to be in stores constantly??? I try MY BEST to STAY away from shopping!!! The longer I can remain at home, out of all the stores, the less money I am throwing out the window. I've found that "stuff" that I used to think was so necessary, I have come to not need nor miss at all. So, when I began to "make do" with what I have at home, I dramatically lowered our "cost of living" each month. Yet, even with all of the coupons, sales, free stuff, stock piling, and shopping as wisely as possible with always a list that I try my best to never swerve off of, we are basically in the hole monetarily like everyone else. Between the two of us, just the medical bills have been ridiculous the past month or two. Jim has no insurance, so when you are a "cash pay" patient, it does not take long for the "cash" to run out! And we have just about "cash paid" ourselves to be considered in the poor house. I am rambling on. I so wanted this to be about the "sunny" and positive light of the season. But, when every day you run into those that have the same horror stories in their own lives, it makes it difficult to find the "light" in that black hole of darkness. I still "stand" on my rock of faith. But, at times it feels like the waters of life have "broken" down that foundation some. I lately, have not felt as strong and sturdy on my faith's foundation as I usually do. Maybe all of us feel this way, but just don't want to admit it... So, call me a scrooge... or think I am crazy, maybe feel like I am giving myself a "pity party", but no this is not about "me" but about the "droves" of us all around, everywhere I look... I DO WISH YOU a Better Day, and beautiful warmth of family, friends, food, peace, understanding, good health & most of all love during this holiday season. I also pray with all my heart, we each find "our" foundation sturdy once again... As I try to cast my burdens off my shoulders, and give them over to my Higher Power, I pray we are all healed, mind, body, heart and soul.... Merry Christmas!!! Rhia

Fatigue, Stress, RA, Lupus, Sjogren's - Holidays and Looking At The New Year!

Surviving Our Own "Impossible" Schedules with Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses

All of us, and I mean those that are "chronically ill", as well as those "healthy as horses" - tend to try and live up to our own "no way, no how" over the top expectations; especially during this time of year. Annually, when Thanksgiving gets here... We are constantly pressing ourselves to do more, buy more, be more, have bigger, better, larger parties, more guests, a "prettier tree", more goodies, a "luxurious dinner", fit for queens and kings. We want to give our children a "Wow" of a holiday season! We love seeing their eyes sparkle Christmas morning! :) I know I did! I'm sure all of you did and do also!

Yet, what about the "we" in all of this "We Wish You A Merry Xmas"? When I say "we", I mean US, those of us "we's" that are extremely fatigued from autoimmune arthritic illnesses. I just got through sending an email reminding a dear friend of mine to "take care of herself". She suffers from the misery of RA, and a cross of other AAI also. So, I knew she was busy, with home, and with her volunteer work, where she is a "co-founder" and an active volunteer. When you are kind of a "co-chief", cook and bottle washer, no matter what type of "work" it is, it is WORK! Even as a volunteer I can attest that I am "trying" so much more with my volunteer work, than I probably have in many years! As much as I push myself on writing my books, I don't think I do that as much as I am doing in order to try and give a piece of me to help others. When you are involved with a fantastic group of folks, that ultimately share your exact feelings and goals, it does make you want to "be all you can be" and "do all you can do"...  And that is NEVER a "bad thing". 

I am so grateful to have another "pathway" to guide me into the realms of where I can make a difference for others that live with the horrendous illnesses, that seem to creep upon us when we least expect them to.

Yet, we also still in some capacity have our personal "holidays" chores. Whether you are younger, with a job, children, spouse, or even if you are a bit older, kids gone, and just the two of you, or like Mom on her own, there is always something that needs to be done during the holiday season, and for the end of the year. 

I am already feeling the "stress" of my own expectations. I have a "mental" list, and it should be more like a WRITTEN on paper list before I forget half of it, of the "To-Do's" I need "to do". Let's see, my Christmas letter is still not finished, my tree or any decorations are not up. I have another batch of fruitcakes to make; along with cookies and fudge (if I date attempt it again this year). Before the holiday, I have a pain pump that will have to be filled, medications that need to be refilled, my Mom sounds like with her own issues with severe shoulder pain probably needs to get into our orthopedic doctor, and my husband is still waiting on the MRI results from his own severe shoulder pain, that they think maybe his neck. I have to get myself in order for a trip to OK, IF the weather allows and we  decide to spend Xmas day there, rather than at home. I have my blog here to keep up, as well as doing my volunteer work for IFAA and I need to get a blog post written for Systemically Connected, which is IFAA's official blog. 

I need to buy stamps so I can put them on these cards, and actually still have a couple of cards that need addresses. Never fails... either someone moves, or I lose an address... and then I am scrambling to get what I need to send my cards out. 

I did get my cards out to the "Troops" and made the deadline, ahead of time thank goodness. Then of course there are those "errands", if you are buying gifts, that in itself is a headache. We are not really doing that much as far as "gifts" this year. Our finances as they maybe, have taken a "hit" between all of my doctor and dentists bills this year. Plus we still face whatever my co-pay may be on the hernia surgery, and we had to pay some on Jim's MRI, which are not cheap. After my other older I-Mac decided to go "feet up" on us unexpectedly, this new one was not an expense we were expecting. Same with our old vacuum cleaner. Another one of those not anticipated "out of your pocket" expenses. My old one "threw a belt" LOL... but the issue with that was "good luck" finding a belt locally for the stupid thing.  I could have just ordered one, but in all honesty that "purple monster" as we called the old vacuum, was SO HEAVY, I just could NOT push it around anymore. Needless to say, I came in with a MUCH lighter brand new Bissell, that will almost suck the carpets right off the floor! :) In fact, with a couple of my older rugs that are just runners, and I did not pay nearly as much on, are losing their backing... it is just coming off of them because they are just getting old and ready to be replaced. Always something... oil in the car needs to be changed, the house taxes are in, thus a reminder those will come due shortly! 

Then the "Happy New Year 2014" rings in with a new rush of a New Year and all of those "tasks" that also "ring" in annually. Taxes to pay, house insurance and car insurance to probably come time to renew. Taxes, which I do my Mom's Income Tax forms and filing, and all of the other 100 items that come in like a flash of lightening through the black ink darkness of a clear night's sky. 

Alas, it is my time to begin thinking about my own personal "Agenda" for 2014. Call it a "Resolution List" if you wish, but I have one each year with some things that are probably pretty standard for all of us. 

Well since I just posted on FB! I shall add it here to finish this post off and post it for everyone! You shall see what I've been doing since very early this morning ;)

Okay!!! One MORE project out of my hair;)  I should not say that at all. I just finished getting my "annual Christmas letter" finished, printed and put in my Christmas cards! ;) LOL! I always "say" every year, Oh, I am going to "skip it" or make it shorter, and of course, that NEVER happens. It became a tradition many years ago by a cousin of mine in TN. She is older than me, so when I was younger, I remembered Cathryn's letter every year in her Christmas Cards. I loved it so much, that after I got up and was sending my own cards, I began the "tradition". I don't think I've missed any honestly. Not even through out surgeries, illnesses, etc... I've been fortunate enough to be able to get it done. :):) Anyway, I finished it, and I feel awesome to have them ready for stamps, and the post office!!! LOL! Of course, I have NOT put up ONE decoration yet. But, with Jim's shoulder/neck thing, and my stupid "hernia" thing... and now my Mom is having massive pain with her right shoulder - which I think is also her neck. I've got to get her into a doctor. She has an appt with our PCP tomorrow, but I know he won't be able to do anything, but send her to an orthopedic specialist. Then we are going to have to have out if it is her shoulder, or her neck. Mine was both! So, I know that will be a hard row to hoe with her. She is NOT a "hospital person".... I saw that when she was there just overnight with her heart monitor incident. Then with the wrist surgery, I thought I would NEVER get her to get it repaired. It took me months and months to get her to go and have it done. She uses "me" as an excuse... LOL!!! And that has to stop.... just because I have "illness issues" does not mean she can just "wait" and not have it fixed... We just have to work all of us around one another... talk about a mess... my surgery is scheduled for the 30th for the hernia... which means I will probably not be able to do much but be on the computer or sofa for weeks... esp. no carrying or lifting, well heck, how the devil am I supposed to survive if I can't do what I need to do??? ;) We always manage... but with Jim and his own neck..shoulder issues, it won't be as easy as usual... anyway we maybe all looking for "nurses" at our homes.... HAHAHAHA!!! I wish all a good rest of the afternoon... it is still COLD and nasty outside here... so I am headed to get stuff all ground up to make another batch of fruitcakes... well I hope... I am already exhausted. I got up at 3:30 this morning... and have not stopped since....