Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Christmas Eve 2014...

Well, I am not sure what to say honestly when it comes to the reflection back on 2014, how I feel about the holiday season, and just how quickly it has seemed to "pounce" upon us.

From my "up" moments of being in Washington D.C. in March this year, to the tragic call from my daughter on the 26th of March telling me my husband had been in a very bad car accident with an 18 wheel tractor trailer on his way to the Airport in Dallas to fly out and be with myself and his Mom...

From there, this year has been filled with so many up's and down's.. either I am not well and are having flares, or the entire ordeal with my teeth and the Sjogren's, it seems we just never had a "break" of good luck any where we turned.

Of course I cannot say that entirely, because we are blessed that Jim survived the accident, and even though he is considered "paraplegic" he can walk with a cane. He still has many issues, including balance issues, but still he for the most part can get around with a cane, unless it is somewhere big or if we are going to do something in Wally World, which is a huge building to try and walk through with a cane.

But, between his plight and issues from the wreck, and then the Sjogren's literally eating my teeth away from the inside out... and the "forces" that are waxing and waning back and forth over the settlement of the accident, of course our finances are also worse than tight for sure.

We have been able to scrape by, but with some issues he had with a change in some main lines where the "servers" are that "host" the clients websites he has, we may have lost at least 2 clients, which were the two that usually were continually wanting updates and so on, thus those were the two that brought in a bit of a salary, although small, but yet better than nothing for sure. Now we are looking at the fact if we lose them, we really will be in a bind financially. They took away the medical benefits Jim was getting while he was in the hospital. Get this, they took MY OWN disability and counted it towards "income" for him... and then when we are probably 300 percent under the poverty line, they said my check was like 12.00 a MONTH over the limit thus they dropped his medical coverage. So now he also has no medical coverage at all. That means any doctor he sees has to come out of our pockets, and they are getting more empty by the day...

I also realize we certainly are not the only people in TX or in the nation that are fighting back hard times as far as finances. Many have been out of work so long, or have had to go through what savings they may have had to just live. So, I am not complaining for just my family, but for the many others out there with either the same or worse circumstances.

My "hopes" are for the coming 2015, to be even a better advocate, and good more activist and ambassador work through the charities and non-profits that I truly believe in. I know for many people, now days it is difficult to know where you might like to donate, and wonder if your money truly goes for the purpose intended.

My Mom is a very good example of someone that is not sure where to donate to. It gets to the point that she gets phone calls every day almost from one or more places asking for donations for "this, that or the other". With things in the world as they are now, even though we hate to think so, there are people out there, who take advantage of either elderly folks that may not understand what they are asking about, or they do give and then have their identity stolen, and so forth. I have had to warn my Mom time and time again to NOT give to anyone that is soliciting over the phone or knocking on her door. We even have a sign up on her door, plus I have put one on mine also that says NO soliciting, and that means don't ask about "lowering" utilities, or getting donations, or "insuring your water pipes" (now that is one I cannot fathom anyone falling for), but constantly somehow they have her name down and probably know she is up older and think that the can finagling her into giving out information that they can use for their own gain.

----------   ******** Beyond Christmas Eve*********-------------

Try December 30th 2014 - and beyond....

I figure if I want to get much more in BEFORE 2015 Rings in, I had better get these fingers to moving a bit faster. Probably more like pull my head out of my butt, and out of the 29,000 other places it is, and try to put down something that may make some sense out of my own life, and possibly others...

Not one of us is a "mind-reader", a "fortune teller", a "profit" (or I guess I am not sure about that one, I feel the Lord could actually send a profit down anytime he wanted to)... but when I talk about the word "profit" I am more meaning someone who tries to deliberately con someone out of money telling them they can "read their tea leaves" or follow the life lines on their hands... or read the Taro cards... and it is NOT that I don't believe that things such as that or people such as that can exist, it is more that I feel there are not near as many of these types of "world palm readers or fortune tellers" than they try and allow themselves to be. Each of us have our own unique ability to "feel" when something is right or wrong I think. Whether you truly tap into that ability is where the hairs split, as the saying goes. You can take that pathway and follow your gut and heart, and learn a whole lot about yourself and your fellow man and woman. Or you can choose to put on blinders, have tunnel vision, and only see what is directly in front of you. To me, that is not really a great way to live. Of course it is a frightening thing to "feel" something, or to "think" something about your life, or a loved ones life. But, it does not always have to be in the "blackest of black ink darkness".

You may find yourself, if you open up thinking about the "awesome" happenings in life... yours, family's, friends... or even strangers on the street. My family on my Mom's side have that type of "uncanny" ability to feel almost too much at times. My Mother really has it, yet she does not open up a great deal and talk about it. Yet, there are times something really strikes her in a dream, or as a feeling, and she does what I do, calls and checks on whomever it is she is overwhelmed with in the dream.

I've ran into more of a "night terror" wall, when it comes to if I wanted to call it a "dream world". I began trying to research the issue as to why almost every night of my life, I have a propensity to have not just night mares, but more what I call night terrors. Many nights, I wake my own self up. Either the night terror carries me to a place that I feel I am suffocating, or I am being "flogged" not exactly by a "strap" but more of a flog with words. It usually has to do with people in my past. Either people I went to school with, or have known from various jobs in my life. When I first finally got completely out of the abusive in every sense of the term, relationship with the "2nd" jackass I had been married to for far too long, I had them nightly. I almost could not lay my head on a pillow and try and sleep. For I knew in my dreams he would come after me in one way or the other. Usually through a window, with a knife, sometimes trying to run me over (which he did try in reality a couple of times)... just horrid night terrors that I thought would never go away.

When I decided while I still lived in Seattle, to venture out on my own, have my own apartment, take care of myself only... I thought the nights would be worse with terror. Yet, it seemed that I overcame them for the most part. There was something about living completely alone, and taking care of just me... that settled my unsettled soul. I could sleep like a baby, but just had hell working due to all of my health problems. Thus, as the health problems grew worse, even then the night terrors seemed to have died down a great deal.

As the tides of my life once again changed, moving fore and aft, to the South, then the North, from the East to the West... it seems my life has always been one that I must "Roll with the Changes"... Maybe that is one of the reasons I love that song so much... because all my life I've lived through a dichotomy ... where one part of me, seems to move one way, yet a portion of my life tends to be in another dimension. That may sound all too profound to even comprehend, but I've been called both a dichotomy and a conundrum .... which I used to really be pissed about. I took both as a huge insult, thinking that people saw me as some kind of "nut" who could not get their life straight enough to stick to the program I guess you could say.

I was very wrong in that thought. As the years have went by, I am truly both of those words and so much more. I can parallel a shooting star and head in a very straight and narrow path, or at times, I can be in all different paths, much like a comet's tail that tends to "flare" off in different directions, yet all at once. That portion of me reminds me of a huge firework exhibition, where some of them go straight up into the heavens, and then come down in a fountain of color. Sometimes red, green, pink, blue, purple... every color in the rainbow...

Now why my brain takes me off on several courses when I write, I guess is only something another writer, author, will understand. Many of us multitask in our daily lives. We deal with jobs, bills, kids, hobbies, houses, and so forth. Often juggling several different items at once during our daily jaunt through out what we call life. Yet, for a writer, it is sometimes what is "multitasking" in our brains. For myself, I may write a line or two, when something else hits me, just due to what I had put down the sentence before, thus I am off on another pathway through the minds of what many deem as insanity. Maybe to be a true writer, you must deal with the insanity before you can sanely write.

As I think about and write about the things I want to have in my next published book, I find myself getting lost in the circle of the ring of infinity. Where one thing may end, yet another begins at that particular jumping off spot. Such as I maybe penning something down about a particular autoimmune disease or symptom, yet that takes a turn, and around the next bend could be something "related" but sounds completely different than a "stuffy old autobiographical" book that has already been written, just out of a different mind set than another illness/author may write it. That does not mean that ANY book, about how one lives through these chronic illnesses that have captured our lives, bound us down inside of our homes, minds, and it seems the only contact we have with the real world maybe social media.

When I was listening to Laura Hilldebrand speak about her biography she wrote, about someone else and she also took me to a place in writing that I never quite thought about before. No matter if we are writing fiction, a novel, a movie script, music, or a biography, a "piece" of you flows through those words. You find a common ground between who or what you are writing about, and lace it between the person you are, and the outcome is a pure mixture of both... your view point about someone else, yet through the eyes of someone who has also gone through the hills, valleys, the darkness and light, the favorite inter-sanctioned places that whom you are writing about has been. You relate, you can empathize, your individual yet, duo of souls can dance together, in a seamless binding of what pain, power, gain, richness, poorness, and all that have motivated one soul to do well to another. If in your own heart you know "It is well with my Soul"... a Baptist hymn from a long time back, then you have meshed all of your own feelings, with someone else.

This may also mean about the way you write your own "auto-biography". As you pen those words, the ones that tug at your readers heart strings, gives them the emotions, the good, the bad, the unthinkable, the peaceful... all you have wrapped up in that book binding it is a gift that shall mean a hundred different things to a hundred different people that reads it.

I ran into a really "terrible" but in all honestly excellent way to explain what I mean. I made a post on social media, Facebook. My intentions were to absolutely honor the person that I was speaking of... for he had passed away extremely suddenly and was one of "us"... with Lupus, with RA, Sjogren's and he suffered from several vital organs that were all involved with the illnesses. So, I was posting something from one of the organizations that I am an Ambassador for (Platinum Ambassador now)... a portion of a newsletter that was sent to me, from the Foundation to pass on freely to social media, friends, emails, wherever I might like and to whom I might want to pass onto... I had just "pulled" the entire "newsletter" from my email and made it a graphic basically. There were no "clickable" links posted with it. Of course the Foundations name etc was on it... a portion of the article was commending not just myself but all of the North Central Texas Regions advocates, activists, Ambassadors etc. for getting several more of our Congress people on board. We felt this was an incredible feat since we had mid-term elections that "hit" us in losing several that were on our "Arthritis Caucus"... and were "helping to advocate" for us from the Federal Congress. Well, when I "cut it out" and copied it into a .jpeg it never dawned on me that on the very bottom of the newsletter it had a "donate now" button on it. I really did not pay it much mind or give thought that someone would misinterpret what I was trying to say.

I had been trying to say that our "fallen Advocate" would want us to push forward, to be proud of what we were and will accomplish. He would not have wanted us to wail and loose site of what our "jobs" were all about... which was advocating to win the fight against Autoimmune and Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses. Thus to me, posting that newsletter, that actually came out the same day he passed away to me was "honoring" what his wishes would have been. Well, most of his "advocate" and volunteer work was done with one non-profit, charity. So, someone got the "impression" even though I carefully worded it that I DID NOT MEAN monetarily, but more in our advocacy work he would be sad if we didn't show what strides we made... thus having 5 new Congress People on board for him would have been as his saying "Onward and Upward"... but of course SOME PEOPLE have to READ things into what was posted and think that I meant for people to "give" donations in "His name" to this particular Foundation. Which happened to be the one he did most of his volunteer work for. Which that NEVER even entered my head... I meant in "heart and soul" type of work not anything that had to do with making a "donation" in his memory anywhere, unless that is something personally people want to do... then that is between them and their own hearts... not for myself nor ANYONE to decide. Well, it got back to me very quickly, of course.

And I "flew off the handle"... it hurt me so deeply that here I was trying to put something up "good" that this gentleman would have himself been so proud of in his memory, but just because I did not think to cut off the bottom that said "Donate Now"... and as I said it was NOT any type of link to click at all to donate a thing... but others got their panty hose in the crack about something that was supposed to be uplifting, kind and from the heart. NOT EVERYTHING in life has to be ABOUT CASH!!!! I think it hurt me that anyone would feel the "need" to ask me, much less even think that is what I meant. IF they would have READ MY POST, that went along with that graphic, they would have IMMEDIATELY known I was NOT ASKING FOR DONATIONS IN THIS MAN'S NAME!!! For no one... no charity, no non-profit, no where, no how, but someone had to "go there"...

Then once all was "explained" and said, done and as far as I was concerned over with... to CLARIFY things and not have any more WONDERING... I took down the graphic, left up the post with an explanation as to why the graphic was NOW by itself and took the "Donate now" off of it!!! Someone asked me why I "bowed down" to that crap....

It is not that I "bowed down" at all. What I did was STOP the stupid rumors coming from those mouths that did NOT have the courage to ask me. They went behind my back, told someone else, and then they had to come and ask me... Which was total nonsense. As I also put in the post, if for any reason, anyone has an issue with myself, my posts, or what my intentions are, ASK ME!! Don't beat around the bush, walk around the mountain, and get someone else involved in it. I could have answered the question and all would have been done... Now I am still somewhat perturbed... and I notice not many have said much on my Facebook page after that... well it could be the "holidays" and people are out and about .... busy... thus are not posting as much. But, I feel someone got the butt up over the dash board for nothing... and now they are trying to back track out of it.

Okay--------- to be continued

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