Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Lost My Reasons For What I love To do...

Morning All. Just a few days ago, I was "Up" I thought about my 2nd book to be published coming along. It has been slower than what I thought, just due to my own unexpected illness issues, and things with my Mom we did not expect either. Of course that is life. Things go on when you least expect them to, and especially when you have other roads to follow, it seems you find you are on a completely different path all together. From pavement, that seems smooth, all of a sudden to a dirt filled, rocky, full of ruts road that is taking you to a place you had no idea you would even be going. Ah, 'tis "Murphy's Law"... or may I paraphrase that now to say "Rhia's Law". IF it is going to happen, it shall happen to me, and usually not in a good way. No different is like yesterday. I felt like a train had ran over me, then backed over me, and ran over me again. Even though we had a wonderful time on Sunday for our day trip to the Casino, I always pay for it the next day with aches and pain, and being tired. Thus, even though I was worn out, I thought I would get something done around the house. So, I wanted to change the way the ceiling fans are to move, back to the correct way for Summer. Well, as soon as I got up close enough to move the button,  I saw just how dusty they were. So, of course I am not going to leave them that way. I get my dusting items, dusted them off, and when I completed cleaning the one in our living room, I turned it on. All seemed fine, so I went to the one of the office. Well, it is new or fairly new. We had to replace one I believe last Summer. In the process, we had a blade that has a bad thread where you put a screw in. Thus after the entire fan was completely up (again Murphy's Law) the very last blade was the one we discovered with the spot in the threads and we broke off the screw into the hole. So, that left only one screw in that blade, and of course how are you going to hold that on? Well, you can drill it out, but then you still have the question of how to get something in there to hold that blade on correctly? Anyway, we had ran it with one screw, but just on low for the Winter. Due to the direction the blades for for the Winter, as long as we kept it on low it did fine. But, after I cleaned it, I happened to have knocked that blade out of position, and of course it went nuts when I tried to turn it on. So, I quickly turned it off, and decided to let Jim tighten the other screw in that blade, and he had an idea of epoxying the other side on to hold. In the meantime, I glance over to our living room, and suddenly that fan just stops! I was like "what the hell"??? I thought possibly one of our breakers tripped or I did something while cleaning it. Well, I also turned that one off. I tried several times, and it seems like the motor is probably shot in it. When Jim got home, we both agreed the motor is probably going out, but if you turn it on, and help the blades go at first it will run for now. So, we can do that for the next few days until we get a fan and can put it up. Of course this week is already sort of booked with several things to do, thus time is never on our side when it comes to projects at the house. So the whole story I tell to show that here I am cleaning even though I am feeling lousy, and wouldn't you know I clean the fan and the damned thing goes out. I guess I would have been better to just leave the stupid thing dusty! So many times in my life, just when I feel I am doing something that is "good", I find I should have just "left it dusty" after all.
thus, it is that way about my writing and my book being published. I was so elated to get my 1st book published. I never in my life dreamed that wish would become a reality in my life, yet it did. So, at first thinking about a 2nd, and then a 3rd one was really something that seemed to keep me feeling like I was on the right road of life. Yet, every stone in the world has been thrown at me to knock my "horse" and it's rider (myself) into the dirt. Chronic Illness on TOP of LIFE is just not pleasant at all. Life is already difficult enough, and can at times be more complicated than we care for it to be. Then you add a condition, or conditions that are a daily part of your life, such as Lupus, MS, RA, FM. CFS, Diabetes and the number of other chronic conditions that are always either on the fore front or the back burner of your life, and your pot tends to boil and run over more than you care for it to. Plus, that boiling point tends to be at a lesser "degree" than if you did not have the chronic issues to deal with frequently. I thought about this Saturday afternoon and early Sunday morning as I readied myself for a day away at the Casino. When you have a type of illness that tends to "rule" your life, such as Lupus or RA, or many more, all of the things involved with that illness have to be taken into consideration even on a trip for the day! Medications have to be either taken with you, or watched when you take them. What you wear, especially shoes due to all of the walking can effect you, thus you may not be able to wear a certain outfit or shoes. Or you do wear them, and just suffer through the day. Then you may have a special diet you have to stick to, pain that shall pop up if you have chronic pain issues. You must be sure you have your health information on you, especially your medications, and if you have something that needs special care, such as I do, with my pain pump(I cannot have a MRI), you must have that all written down in your wallet or purse where it can be located for site. Other items would be insulin if you are diabetic, and/or sugar pills, candy etc. Maybe you have a walker, cane, or other item that helps you walk. Also, for some it may be you are not able to ride for but a small period of time, then you must get out and stretch your legs. Even though our trip is not that far away, and the ride is not all that long, stopping for breakfast about 30 miles before the Casino is a nice break out of the car for a little bit. Riding for any length of time with joint issues, back issues, and so forth will put you in a strain, and make you sore. So, even a quick few minutes out of the car to stretch helps if it is possible and needed. Then of course if you have any other considerations like animals at home, any thing that can be effected by being gone for the day, all of those things must be addressed before you leave. Hell, even just going for the day somewhere can wear you out just getting ready to go, much less the trip and getting there.
When it seems you begin to be much slower at things, whether it is getting dressed, cleaning the house, going to the market, or whatever it may be, you being to get frustrated with life in general. That includes even a trip you look forward to. It used to take me an hour to get ready, now it takes three! That does not include the day before I spend trying to decide what to wear and so forth. With Lupus and/or many of these other chronic illnesses you begin to be slower at many things. Like I said, rather than an hour to get ready, as it was just a few years ago, it takes three or more. Age already does that to you. The older we get for the most of us, the slower we are at certain things. Your balance is not as good. Your thought process is not as good. You tend to forget certain things, or must double check yourself to make sure you have what you need, and have done what you need to do before you leave the house. I also get much more frustrated now when anything happens to "change the plans". Whether it is a good change or just a delay of some kind, once I have "planned" things out a certain way, that is what is in my mind. So, if a sudden last minute something interferes with the plans, then I am just out of sorts for the next few minutes. It happened yesterday in fact. Mom and I were supposed to be going alone yesterday. We had asked my hubby to go several times, but he had said "No", he wanted to stay home this time and work on the new web site. I had even asked him late Saturday afternoon, and he said no he was staying home. So, in my head, I had it planned out when to leave, when to have Mom drive over here so Jim did not have to get out to take me to her house, etc. Plus there was NOT any bad weather in the forecast for the entire week and weekend. All week long I had watched the weather here and in OK carefully to see there were no changes of rain or thunderstorms here or in there area. Thus, my plans were for Mom to be here around 7:15 am. She could see to drive by then, and did not have to be concerned about driving in the dark. She does not do well driving when it is dark. So, I knew it would be light enough for her to make it here. Well, I got everything ready, showered, dried my hair, and went to put on makeup, and Jim mentioned getting in the shower. Well, this was about 5:30 am! I was like, what the heck is he showering so early for, when he has the entire day to take one or whatever. Then he comes out of the shower dressed like he is going somewhere. I stepped out on the front porch, and i was shocked. I proceeded to ask him what his plans were since he had planned to stay home, yet at 5:50 in the morning he was dressed up and ready to go! Well, he comes out with "if you don't mind, I thought I would go with you two after all today". Well, I know I had an odd look on my face, not meaning to say no at all, But, I was just bowled over that he so suddenly changed his mind and decided to go. That was a change in plans I did not expect. So, that meant having to change things around. We had to fix up some place for the dog for the day. So, we turned the kitchen into a play room for them, but that took putting extra food out, water, their blankets, and so on so they would be okay until we got home late that night. Then we had to get hold of Mom, tell her NOT to come over her, and that we would just come over to her house instead and leave from her home. I had to turn the phone over to ring the cell phone. We had to leave some lights on, lock everything up, make sure everything was turned off, and so forth. I know it does not seem like a lot, but it does add up to more time and trouble since we were both going to be away for the day. It is funny that way, that not many years ago, I was puzzled by my own parents being set in their ways so much. I am not that much older now, but between aging a few years, and then the matter of having chronic illness to deal with, every little thing that does something to put you "off schedule" or disrupt what you thought was going to be one way, seems to just upset your entire world. Once plans have been made, I guess I am so set in my ways in essence, that it throws everything out of sorts for me. I always hated being late, and now it seems I am late no matter how early I start to be ready. Whether it is cooking, cleaning, going somewhere, I always start earlier, yet it seems I still tend to run late. My Dad was such a stickler for being ON TIME! He was EARLY everywhere he went and everything he done. So, if you were one minute late he would be just totally tore up. I am sure that is where I got the thing about being "not tardy". He was that way until the day he passed away, he believed people did not have many excuses about being late. He understood emergencies, but just being "lazy" and not being on time was a huge "No-No' to him. It used to drive him nuts because my half brother was NEVER ON TIME for anything. IF he said he would be there at 4, look for them around 6. Plus do not expect a phone call telling you they are running late. They would just be there when they got there. Not Dad, if I was cooking Christmas dinner for all of us, I made sure if I told him to be there around noon, I was dressed by 11. He was going to be at least a half hour early or more. So, I can blame my times of duress on those things that suddenly change without notice on age and illness. Right now I am just in a place that I am not sure who I am, where I am, what I want to or don't want to do. I am very "scattered" to the four winds about life, about being ill, about all of the annoying chapters of life, that seem to rain down on me, just when I think things are looking better. I honestly feel quite useless. I even got out my things in my sewing machine cabinet and measured out pieces to make a quilt. I am so entirely disgusted with feeling like crap, feeling like I write nothing but crap, feeling like everything I do turns to crap, and I am just at the bottom of the mote of what living is all about, that I do not care anymore about what used to seem important. Even what I am "blogging" about at this moment, seems more like I am blathering on, rather than actually saying a damned word anyone cares to hear..... (so I think it is just time for me to stop right here and call it day on the blog) and bid you a much better day than mine seems to be.

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