PAIN!! The ONE thing I HATE to have to write about is PAIN!

PAIN! such a short 4-letter word (and when I say four letter, it may as well as any and all of the Curse words - from sh*), f*c^, damn, hell, crap, and all of the other ones you can possible think to be "bad".
This morning I cannot even begin to try and describe the MASSIVE, and I mean MASSIVE amount and intense PAIN I am in! I awoke at 4 am, with a couple of things in mind! Blow my head off, Eat some rat poison, jump off the house, I am too chicken to cut my wrists or take pills, or any thing that would STOP THE DAMNED PAIN! It is insanity at its finest! I knew three days ago, "it" was coming. By "it", I mean BAD weather, thunderstorms, high humidity, and the works. I also know that the pain I was already in was going to be at least as strong, if not stronger than the winds of the thunderstorm, intense as the black clouds that rolled in, huge as gold ball sized hail stones or larger that could fall, and then that "rolling" thunder, as you look up into the sky, never wanting to see the "funnel" of hell coming. Well, I have that FUNNEL right now. The dreaded Debris funnel, that consumes it all. Well, this PAIN is that funnel cloud at a 5 on the scale. The "scale" they use to describe pain, from 1 (which is the least) to a 10 (which is the worst), at times with "chronic, gnawing, relentless, burning, moving, pulsing, never leaving pain is not enough to describe it. For an attack of "acute pain" it is perfect. It tells the doctors just what they need. BUT, after someone has already almost grown "accustomed" to an "everyday" type of excruciating type of feeling in your body, that 10 often seems like not nearly enough for the accurate description of the woeful, agonizing, torture we go through.What makes this even worse, is many, just like myself, will do ANYTHING, try everything, have listened to others, and tried sometimes even "home" remedies, everything over the counter, natural treatments, ridiculous treatments, as desperate as you get, you will stand on your head (if you could) on your roof, twist 4 times, call upon the little green men in the sky, and then hop on the next bus to Timbuktu if you thought it would just FREAKING END!
Pain, yes is a STATE OF MIND, along with the physical realms. "Acute" pain, even though just as horrid as chronic as far as hurting, like kidney stones, gallbladder attack, a broken leg, and so forth, they HURT like hell! BUT, you know that after it is "fixed" the pain will eventually cease. It will go away, and you are rid of it. So, it is a great deal easier to bear, when the cross is temporary. But, when you know every day of your life, you face the possibility of that dragon once again surrounding you, it becomes a cross that is almost impossible to bear at times. It is like the difference of dragging a one pound weight up and down your driveway, versus dragging 400 pounds of weight up and down your driveway. It gets to where you wonder if you can even face it one more time. You know, it maybe gone for a day, an hour, a month, months, even years people have a reprieve from these types of illnesses that cause the night terrors of pain. Yet, even if it has been a month, you absolutely know it will BE BACK!
This is where it plays on your mind. IT is almost identical to "abuse". Once your have suffered at the hands of someone that abuses you, you always are looking over your shoulder, your mind knowing it could happen at any time. Well pain is just that. It is like a stalker in the day, the night, it does not care if you are at a party, doing chores, having fun with your family, or driving off on vacation. Pain does not choose to wait until after the holidays, or wait until you are not at work or on a project due right then. It has no boundaries when it comes to when, why, how, what, day, night, summer, spring, fall or winter. It cares nothing about anything else that goes on in your life. It just springs upon you like a cheetah would its prey. So, when those that possibly cannot comprehend "our pain" and how bad it is, unless they have experienced being "held captive" by stalkers, or abused, it would be difficult to really give them the entire picture of what life is like. I often hear, but "you look good"... well, as I just explained this week in fact, when it finally gets to the place, I cannot take it any longer, sometimes that is when, even though I would rather crawl under the bed and stay, sometimes I just MAKE MYSELF, get somewhat dressed, fix my hair and shower, take a very SMALL list to one of the pharmacies etc that have a good sale and I have coupons, and I literally make myself go. It hurts, it is all I can do to keep from sitting down in the middle of Wal-Greens and screaming, crying, begging, anything... if it would just go the hell away!!!! As I told her, when it sometimes is really getting me so far down, I go out, I TRY TO BE PLEASANT, I try to carry on a little conversation (thus it is great in a small town to go to your local pharmacy, where lots of them know you, and you are able to chit-chat a little). They all know my situation. They all know that I am trying my very best to put the best face forward I can, and in some tiny way, it is a therapy at times. It does help to take my mind off the pain, even if only from the time I get out of the car, go into the store, shop, check out, and then want to cry when I go to my car, for a brief amount of time, I almost felt "normal". So, when you KNOW someone around you that is dealing with a chronic illness/pain situation, just because they are out at the market purchasing their groceries, certainly does not mean they are well, or they maybe hurting like hell, but like myself, they will do anything to just take my mind off of it, if only 10 minutes.
Thus, these past days have been those for me. Yes, I went out for a brief time with my Mom yesterday. She needed a couple of things from Wally-World and  needed my quilt batting, thus we went. I felt like hell, but I MADE myself go out there and get out of the house for a little while. I wanted to get some material cut for a new quilt top, but I just did not have the tenacity to find someone first to cut it, then wait while the lady that cuts it there takes her dear old sweet time cutting a 1/2 yard of like 10 or 12 different materials. Thus, I got my batting, we picked up the couple of small things Mom needed, and by then I as ready to come home. So, just like this morning, which was torture that I cannot explain due to that the thunderstorms are rolling through, Thus the temperatures dropped about 25 degrees in a matter of an hour, and the humidity is out the roof, and it is pouring rain, and thundering, lightening, and just generally awful BUT, we need the rain! So, for that I shall not gripe.
Yet, it is reeking havoc with my muscles and joints! Every joint on me, even the ones that are REPLACED!; yes, I did say my "artificial" joints HURT! It is no different than someone who loses a leg, etc. You have that pain, even with the limb gone. It is true, and it does happen to us with knee and other joint replacements. They hurt sometimes as badly as they did before surgery, when the weather decides to really act up. So, from my toes, to my ankles, up my legs, through both arms down to my wrists, and fingers, then shoulders, up to even my head, of course, I have a migraine no doubt. Everything possible just hurts. It burns, it aches, it throbs, any way you want to describe it, yes, that is how painful it is.
So often I try to make this blog about "everything else" but pain and illness since I fear people will get bored to death with the same old crap. I can hear it echoing in my brain right now, "Gosh, all she does is gripe, bitch, and moan about pain" and then she is always talking about everything wrong, how many doctors she has been through, medications, surgeries, etc and so forth YET, that is EXACTLY what I wanted the entire thing to be about, or let's say, for the most part, my blog, my book, all of that is to give others out there, that are facing so many of the exact same things I am, or do, a "light", some hope, a little faith, some knowledge, ways to help you and others, ways to survive the ordeal of chronic pain and illness. It is a FULL TIME JOB BEING CHRONICALLY ILL! That is no joke. Anyone that has many issues that they must see doctors for and take medications, or have tests knows exactly what I mean. IF you are not AT the doctors, you are making appointments, going for tests, blood work, fighting to get the insurance to pay or get the doctors to file it right with the insurance. Or you have to get prescriptions filled, and wait for the pharmacy if you need refills and an okay from your doctor. Or again you are on the phone with the insurance company trying to get them to pay. If not, then you are possibly needing a new type of doctor due to a new symptom, so you must go through all of the entangled web of paperwork, and dealing with a new set of people in the business office, the nurses, and the doctor. Or possibly you are dealing with having a surgery, getting well from one, or thinking about why you feel so bad, and wondering if there is something new wrong. Then you maybe waiting on test results, that you have called about 5 times, and you still have no answer. That list goes on and on also. It is truly a mesh of a ball of thread all waded up, and you spend your time when you feel like it untangling all the knots that are in it.
Now, that does not include your "usual" life affairs, home, family, job if you have one, kids, school, cleaning. So, you are doing a double take for the most part, because there is always something that needs to be done.

I am not sure exactly what I wanted to relay over to you this morning. My first thing was the extremely painful time I am having, and then it all of the ways to try and deal with it. Then what it takes at times just to deal with daily living.

None of us have it easy for the most part, and many of us deal with so many other things on a totally different level, all the while. we are sick... daily....
you are able to chit-chat a little). They all know my situation. They all know that I am trying my very best to put the best face forward I can, and in some tiny way, it is a therapy at times. It does help to take my mind off the pain, even if only from the time I get out of the car, go into the store, shop, check out, and then want to cry when I go to my car, for a brief amount of time, I almost felt "normal". So, when you KNOW someone around you that is dealing with a chronic illness/pain situation, just because they are out at the market purchasing their groceries, certainly does not mean they are well, or they maybe hurting like hell, but like myself, they will do anything to just take my mind off of it, if only 10 minutes.
Thus, these past days have been those for me. Yes, I went out for a brief time with my Mom yesterday. She needed a couple of things from Wally-World and  needed my quilt batting, thus we went.
Post a Comment