Showing posts with label coping with feeling so worn out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coping with feeling so worn out. Show all posts

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Happy Labor Day - Journey's and How Our Lives Change Within Moments - Coping with Grief, Chronic Pain, Lupus, RA, Sjogren's and taking one step at a time....

I’ve felt so many different emotion since June 9th, when my Mom passed away. As I told my daughter Amanda on Friday evening over the phone, I think the entire ordeal is just now beginning to set in as reality. I catch myself wanting to call Mom to tell her something or ask her something… often times a week. Then it dawns on me, I cannot do that via telephone anymore…. I’ve put off really doing ANYTHING for just myself. I’ve been so busy taking take of all that needs to be done, from paperwork, to painting and working on the house there, that I have NOT had anything I really wanted, needed - other than the weather get nice enough and for me to be well enough to feel like going to Winstar in OK for a night. As soon as I can find a Sunday and Monday, here, there and between there is going to be nice weather I plan on going and it will be a “delayed celebration” of what would have been Mom’s 81st birthday on August 28th.

 But, it came to me a week ago, if I don’t find some other way to sit at my computer to “write” I will never get it done. Right now due to my neck needing surgery, and possibly my lower back, I cannot sit here for very long at a time…. plus when I have the surgeries, I won’t be able to sit like this, due to the neck brace for 6 weeks and so on….


SO, I decided I CAN sit on the sofa, with my legs up, where my ankle also does not swell so badly, and THERE in the evening after dinner when these two hellions (Bub’s and Peanut” calm down - one on each side of me, would be a perfect time for me to get some writing done, more on my blog, be able to get possibly back into my advocacy work, but MAINLY WRITE! I desperately NEED to finish my 3rd book, and after what happened to Mom from this past January till June 9th, NOW I totally understand “why” my writing was “delayed”…. it is clear as day, that I MUST include all of what Mom went through along with myself, as a caretaker that needs a caretaker…. and so much that no one even knows happened…the details of each and every day being there with her those six months, even sometimes changing from hour to hour…. I witnessed such an unbelievable change in her emotionally, physically and mentally… and that is why my writing was put on hold…. I have much more to add to that journey, for myself, for her and for my kids… and Grandchildren later and those to come… SO I broke down and ordered an Apply Air Laptop. I didn’t get the “biggest” or most expensive, because some of it I probably may never use. But, the screen is large enough, and I already love the way the keyboard is laid out and back lit….

I just received it late yesterday via Fed Ex, so I really have not had much time to “learn” about it…. I felt much “guilt” and hesitated at first before I bought it, BUT, I recall what my Mom said to me, several times, but moreover just before she began to really show the signs of getting so bad, so quickly, she made me “promise” I WOULD complete this 3rd book, and have it published. MOM was and will always be my “Greatest Fan”…. So, I want to fulfill that promise to myself and to her…

thus then I knew the laptop made perfect sense…besides, as much as I LOVE MY PRIUS! And planned on leasing another the first part of 2017, if I forgo that, and drive Mom’s Elantra, which only has 10,000 miles on it, and just needs a battery and tires (from lack of her driving it much) then I could do away with a lease payment and higher insurance… I have not made that decision yet, because that Prius was the BEST thing I’ve ever had in my life, as far as “items”…. but I have time to decide… so by then things will be more centered, and I will be able to make that decision. So, here are a couple of photo’s of my Brand New Apple Air Laptop!



HAPPY LABOR DAY!

Why Do We Celebrate Labor Day and How It Began! 



For a lot of people, Labor Day means two things: a day off and the end of summer. But why is it called Labor Day? Labor Day is a day set aside to pay tribute to working men and women. It has been celebrated as a national holiday in the United States and Canada since 1894.

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Labor unions themselves celebrated the first labor days in the United States, although there's some speculation as to exactly who came up with the idea. Most historians credit Peter McGuire, general secretary of the Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners and a cofounder of the American Federation of Labor, with the original idea of a day for workers to show their solidarity. Others credit Matthew Maguire, later the secretary of Local 344 of the International Association of Machinists in Paterson, N.J.

The first Labor Day parade occurred Sept. 5, 1882, in New York City. The workers' unions chose the first Monday in September because it was halfway between Independence Day and Thanksgiving. The idea spread across the country, and some states designated Labor Day as a holiday before the federal holiday was created.
President Grover Cleveland signed a law designating the first Monday in September as Labor Day nationwide. This is interesting because Cleveland was not a labor union supporter. In fact, he was trying to repair some political damage that he suffered earlier that year when he sent federal troops to put down a strike by the American Railway Union at the Pullman Co. in Chicago, IL. That action resulted in the deaths of 34 workers.


In European countries, China and other parts of the world, May Day, the first day in May, is a holiday to celebrate workers and labor unions. Before it became an international workers holiday, May Day was a celebration of spring and the promise of summer. Membership in labor unions in the United States reached an all-time high in the 1950s when about 40 percent of the work force belonged to unions. Today, union membership is about 14 percent of the working population. Labor Day now carries less significance as a celebration of working people and more as the end of summer. Schools, government offices and businesses are closed on Labor Day so people can get in one last trip to the beach or have one last cookout before the weather starts to turn colder.

 Links Below for More Information On the History of Labor Day


 

 

 

Friday, February 5, 2016

So Much Going On and Not Feeling Like Dealing or Coping - Life with Invisible Illnesses, Communication with Family, Friends, & Daily Living

I realize i have not posted in a couple of days. I feel badly about that. I know without new material, new posts, new information, that my audience gets "bored" with my blog.. mmm, new name 'Bored With My Blog?" Just a pun there, a spin on words.

Portions of me have been in a strange state of mind. I have many decisions to make for the upcoming couple of months, and since I am not feeling the best, albeit many do not know that, I've found myself wandering both physically and mentally around like a lost soul in a vast desert, seeing nothing but sand in each direction... the grains gritty, my thirst parched, and longing for a "drink" of sanity that will point me in the direction of an oasis of decisions.


I am having to deal with deciding when to have my cervical neck surgery. I opted for right after my birthday which is the 15th! Yes, almost a Valentine's Baby, so guess who gets flowers, cute stuffed animals, candy and the like a day "after" Valentines Day? In a way, it is nice, because I usually get more simply because much of it is marked down by 50%!

So, after two calls over a weeks time to my orthopedic surgeons assistant, she finally calls me yesterday. My surgery is tentatively set for Feb 18th. So, it may or may not be on that exact day, depending on what they get set up.

Things have been so crazy here, between my Mom's health issues, and running her back and forth to the doctors, plus my own problems that for months and months I dealt with just to get 'well enough" to have surgery. Thank goodness, I believe the abscesses have healed finally. And my pain pump surgery is over, and my new one is in place.

But, the invisibility of these illnesses, does NOT mean we can just say "okay, i just don't feel good, I am not going to the market, paying bills, taking the pups to the Vet, cleaning house, washing the car, taking out the trash, cooking, cleaning... not when it is just YOU, and your two fur-kids! And "they" are surely NOT going to run to the market, or run errands and clean house! :) Although at times I sure wished they could.

So, I trudge on, day comes, things need to be done, and then evening comes, I fix dinner, have to clean up afterwards, and then on the sofa for a movie, and here lately I seem to be ready to sleep much earlier than usual. Last night all three of us, myself, Bub's and the newest addition "Peanut"... well less the nuts, since he was just neutered! LOL! Yes, maybe a bad pun, but I still thought it was too funny not to say... "Sometimes Peanut acts and feels like a nut, sometimes he don't, Peanut, used to have his nuts, now he don't" - Okay the story behind that is with each pup over the past 15 years or so, that I get, I find some new little "tune" that becomes their song... and I sing it to them every once in a while... and bless their hearts, Tazzy, even though she has passed away, and I miss her so much, Bub's that is getting up older now and having his own issues with hip problems, and arthritis, and of course the new "Holy Terrier" Peanut, now each have their songs....

These past two days have been very difficult for me, in every way. I have not felt well, nothing I can put a finger on, just overwhelmed with fatigue, no energy, pain always pain, and just a general feeling that I have of not feeling like myself... even in a mental way.... foggy, and not wanting to deal with daily life.

I felt I would just pop down on the sofa yesterday and not do anything, yet it was trash day, of course I had to feed the dogs, water them, change their paper, straighten up the house, and I was COLD all day long. I rarely have those days, but I could NOT get warm... no matter how I tried, or what I did, I was COLD! And it was cold ALL Day Long! No Matter what I did I could not warm up. Finally, about 4PM, I took a hot shower, and after that I kept pretty warm... today it is a cold morning, but hopefully the sun is out and it will warm up. Our issues here are the wind makes it colder also these past few days.

Again, though this morning, I wake up, not honestly wanting to do anything. I am still just worn out like I have ran a marathon that was 20 miles or more... and my body is trying to recuperate. Yet, if I were to get dressed and go to town to some of our store's, NO ONE would know the difference. They would not "tell" that I am totally wiped out, and unless my brain fog causes me to do something silly in the store, the "invisible" part of Lupus, RA, Chronic Pain, and so much more, are difficult to explain. I feel guilty if I am NOT up and doing things. But, I feel lousy when I have to make myself get up and do things...

I think people tend to see me as lazy, or lack of want to, or whatever. And I do that to myself also. I want to think that I am just being lazy, if I sit down and not move forward with all I need to move forward with.


There is lots going on with my Mom, that has been quite concerned. I had seen the signs of Dementia or worse, Alzheimer's in her now for over 2 years... little by little, but now with these new symptoms, and worsening signs, of forgetfulness, loss of time, loss of what day it is, shuffling her feet, rather than picking them up and walking, loss of much weight, and having issues even getting her to eat, and being just overly concerned about her "bodily functions".... and talking about those day after day... forgetting checks in bills, not understanding no matter how plainly I have it typed out, how to take her medications, she cannot "get it"... losing her credit card earlier this week, she just has so many numbers of things that point to some of one of these illnesses... there is lots more, leaving a pot on the stove until it burned.... Those things are also wearing me down. I need to make a decision on where to go and take her for testing, and how to go about handling that, along with my own issues of needing surgery, that is very important to my own well being.


There are some person issues I am dealing with also. I have a friend that wants to do a "video chat" possibly once a week. Which is a cool idea, and we would make it, send it to the other, like that. Yet, for me, I never know when I will be "dressed" enough to make a chat, and what I will have to say... there maybe lots to say, like sometimes when I email, and then there maybe times, that things are just the same old thing... I guess I will have to pick a day, I go to run errands, that is when I am usually dressed and have my makeup on etc... and make a list of the things I want to say... like I said it's a great idea, and I want to do it, but for me, it maybe something that takes me a bit more "getting ready for" than for some.

I have felt that these "invisible illnesses" as of lately, have caused ME to be "invisible". I feel as if others to do SEE ME, or HEAR ME... that I am "not be heard as to what I am trying to get over to them. This is meaning friends, doctors, family, everyone. I sometimes feel as if I need to go on top of my roof and shout dammit LISTEN! What I have to say is important!

I realize whether ill or not ill, those moment arise, and give us this innate feeling that no one really values our opinions, our feelings, and what WE think in the world...

Stress, too busy being busy, too many hours of running here, there and yonder... attempting to be ALL to ALL... and it is impossible for anyone just about, but especially those who are chronically ill.

I TRULY FEEL that if I DO NOT MAKE MYSELF get UP each morning, MAKE MYSELF feed the dogs, water them, fix me some hot tea, or fat free hot chocolate, take out the trash, and do my "daily things" then I would NOT get up at all.... I have to "force" myself at times to cook something more nutricious rather than eating whatever is the quickest. It may mean making it ahead earlier in the day, so I do not have to try and make it later, when I am getting too tired in the evening to do much cooking. And I believe since many of us, like myself take so MANY daily medications, it changes our tastes in foods, our appetites, and things I used to LOVE to eat, I no longer can even stand the thought of.

I also know for a fact, once the Sjogren's took all of my teeth from me, and I had to deal with a full set of dentures, THEY have definitely had a dramatic effect on the taste of food. I either can't taste it, or it tastes totally different than before, an even though I may not put them in, and try to eat dinner, the food just does not have the same flavor as it did, before that horrid illness took every tooth in my mouth away.

So, not only the illnesses, but change your taste, along with the medications... all of it combined, can have a definite change on your entire system...


I laugh at myself because I also want strange things, like cravings...something salty is one of them... also I may "think" I want something so badly, yet once I get it, or fix it, I just cannot fathom eating it at that moment! Now the next day, it may totally change, but once I have cooked it, often I really prefer not to eat it.

I find myself lately not wanting to communicate with anyone.. I don't feel like saying much on the phone, in person, online, in emails... and I'm not sure why. Maybe it is due to I feel as if I am telling the same old stuff over and over again. Or that I think I am whining and griping if someone asks me how I am doing, or feeling,


I know I am READY FOR WARMER WEATHER, even though I know we need some COLD weather to drive away fleas, fire ants, and other pests... that will be driving us all nuts if we don't have enough cold to get rid of them... I have already put out one round of granules for all of those pests. I know with this strange weather, we could see flea's , fire ants will run rampant, along with all of the other large number of pests we deal with in TX every spring and summer.


Those are other things that no matter how lousy you feel, especially if you don't have anyone else to help out. I even completely overhauled my lawn mower last year. Yet, I don't have the strength in my arms to pull the rope hard enough to start it... hopefully my neighbor will help. He used to be really good about mowing my lawn... but he began to act odd last summer, in fact him and his entire family kind of shunned me for some reason, so I HOPE he still intends on helping with the lawn, or at the least doing the mowing.       


So, as the story of my life goes, in the middle of this, I have to go over to Mom's. Her hone had been "busy" since yesterday evening, and I thought she had probably left it on as she does sometimes... well this morning by 10AM it was still not working, so I had to dress and go over. To find out, it is NOT working, and she did not even know it. So, I had called her Wednesday evening, and Lord knows when it stopped. I tried everything, and none of the stuff in the house appeared to be an issue. I looked out in the box on the house, and I think they have a wire they never replaced, and it appeared to be possibly frayed or causing the problem. So, I had to call the phone company, put in a work order, and be told they cannot do anything until MONDAY... so now she is without a phone, and as I told her, if she had something come up, take my numbers to her neighbors, she has several or call 911 if it is an emergency... and that I would check on her over the weekend... then she tells me that she fell in the front yard this week on the way back from the mailbox... she again is NOT taking her medications correctly, and I am sure that is part of the problem... so she said she needed a "walker"... the cane was not working well... partially because she does not use it enough, and does not take it where she needs it, and said that is why she is not going to church... so I go, buy a walker, take a bunch of magazines, a piece of cake, some newspapers for her, plus an updated medication list... and I ring the doorbell twice, and knock and she does not answer... so again, probably in bed... where she stays too much lately... so I LEAVE A NOTE, IN THE MAILBOX, AND UNDER THE FRONT STORM DOOR, and tell her stuff is on the back porch including her mail... of course I cannot call, due to the phone issue, but I will go over again tomorrow... I am not going back again tonight, I have once again spent most of my day on her stuff... which is fine, but it leaves me NOT finishing my post, and I am tired now after running around all day....

So, I close this with... INVISIBLE ILLNESSES SUCK... and THEY MAKE YOU TIRED, AND PISSED OFF, AND RUIN YOUR PLANS... and on and on.... and no matter how much you fight them, and life, they tend to get the best of most of us.....

                           



Wednesday, September 23, 2015

#RABLOG WEGO's Week long RA Blog - Day 2 - How to "fight" RA Fatigue

This is one tough "cookie" so to speak. Some of us battle more often than others I am sure.

Those days when I get up and feel like an "18 wheel tractor trailer" ran over me and then backed up and did it again. There are times, that I try to just push through the temptation to get back on the sofa, and watch movies all day long.

Yet, life some days, even with chronic pain and chronic illness may not allow a day to "hide out". So, those times that I KNOW I am going to have to be up and about, I try to "plan" for it ahead of time. You can't "plan" the fatigue, but you can plan a time before you may suspect a very busy day, and that fatigue can come with those days. So, I tend to try and get to bed or at least relax a bit earlier that afternoon and evening before.

I try my best to find ways to doing some things either  during the time of day that I feel "less fatigued". O if I know that I have something that will take more energy than "usual" I try to rest the day before, or sleep by going to bed a bit earlier.

I also have found to make doctor appointments, or anything type of appointment where I need to go here or especially in Dallas, to make them between about 11:00AM and 3:30 PM. That way I can avoid that "fatigue" in the morning, and yet not have to deal with the more fatigue that comes on after a busy day... around 4:00PM.

I also try my best to "combine" things. If I need to stop at several places running errands, I plan my route where I can do the one that is further away, then work my way in to the closer things, so I am close to home as possible after I finish. I also at times have to do part of errands, shopping, house work and so forth and then finish it up the next day. If I have a large amount of groceries to buy, then I do that one day, and save the other errands till the next day. Plus if I can possibly get medications by "driving" through a drive through window, or even at the bank, I try to use the drive thru anytime I can where it is possible.

When the days are very hot, or I am just not feeling well, or fatigue has got me badly, then I use my Handicapped parking sign. That is a huge help especially at a very large store, and especially if I am having to buy things that are heavy.

I find also, if I stay "moving" once I am up and around, I am better off "finishing" up all I can before i sit down. If I sit down before some things that need to be done and rest, then it seems I am more tired and fatigued than I would be had I just finished everything up and then sat down to rest.

I keep myself on a set schedule as much as possible, as far as eating, sleeping, getting up and all. If I stay on a schedule, then it seems that also helps to fight the fatigue...

Of course there are times when it is just TOO much, and the fatigue just puts me down for the day... and if that happens, then I listen to my body, and I "take that day" or a portion of that day to give myself the "relaxation" it needs....


I can say also, that "mental and emotional" stress brings the fatigue on worse than ever for the most part... so trying to keep an even keel emotionally helps, but of course we are humans, and we have stresses to deal with... 



#RA BLOG


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