Monday, July 24, 2023

Defeated...Am I???


 Defeated… am I?


Trouble is I have so many reasons they don’t..

My perception of this horrid world..is not what I want.


As I’ve sat back….to heal & hang…we’ve became a mere number on a wall…

This world… this nation… is so much more than just a hot mess… we should all be appalled at how we as the PEOPLE

that feel we must beg and crawl.


It’s not just the “disease” of the physical realm.

Lunatics for the most part have taken over the helm.


I’m burned out, I am fed up, I shall NOT stand for all 

that is in this ridiculous, insanity of a world.


I’ve waded, crawled, begged, dropped into a crying heap of nothingness…

NEVER again will anyone…have to live with what I’ve put up with …the distress.


There is way too much pain, too many illnesses, diseases, &

people that suffer daily ….needlessly.

Anyone who tries to tell me or YOU..Life is “easy peasy”…

They must be running in an entirely different time & space…for that’s crazy!


Yes… I write all too often about “love”. I’ve had to crawl out of the pits of hell, abuse, emotional. physical and moreover mental & emotional.

I’ve never said I was some “ranking” of an angel.




But, I do KNOW NO ONE on this planet will fair as an “angelic” figure.

Like I’ve heard…some people are trying to be hurtful.. & their mouths and mind state just pulls the trigger.


By this moment…I thought life would be better..different..well..full of love, laughter…and of course forever after..

What a damned dream fantasy world I was living in…for I feel as if I’m some kind of vermin..a bat…hanging off of a rafter.


Some make us feel ashamed, some bitch, moan, mumble under their breath and then break our hearts….

Have I been so damned naive’ to think SOMEONE REALLY loved ME for ME  from the start?


I’m just someone that has been handed down… and I’ve never 

really felt LOVE!

I see those that “think” they are happy..with greed, lies, just unfathomable ways that shall be judged someday up ABOVE!


Someone said to a friend,”how do you sleep?” because of a statement….and good gosh all I could think of was what a freaking creep!!


We are being demolished…waiting as those who come and want to break us down…

They better take me to the deepest oceans if they think in their horrid ways…make them think I shall ever in their own lies…drowned.


I’m no one with “clout”…I’m not famous, rich or…. have

one damned thing to brag about…

I’ve never & shall never be someone who thinks I’m better…within or without..




I can guarantee not one of us…are “born” without soul…

We may be born with struggles…but look how many become  BOLD!


and from this..all I think is SOMEDAY….MAYBE SOMEDAY…

SOMEONE SHALL SURROUND ME WITH THEIR LOVE AND AFFECTION…. AND GIVE ME DIRECTION…..


AND THERE ARE TEARS ON MY PERSONAL CROSS TO BEAR..

because the ONE person in THIS LIFE…no matter close or far…is completely out of my reach..


I’m in complete defeat….


I FEEL TORTURED!!!!!!! & do NOT know why!


Rhiannon Steele

7/24/2023









Sunday, July 9, 2023

Dawning of A New Day..


Dawning of a New Day…


I’ve been swept away within a breaths’ space how fast life can change..

Just as a heart beat… or the rhythm of the perfect song..for I found my place.


I’m blown away and incredibly ready to spread my wings and fly…

The tears I’ve spilled…now I have my reasons to have hope …not cry.


Sometimes we walk away from something we should cling to…

Other times we wonder… as humans …why love and life tends to be askew.


“Tis never as I think it should be…

I’m learning to accept that I am excellent…just being me.


The stars may align in the heavens & planets are just in the correct space..

With my eyes wide open…and my heart always on my sleeve… I’m winning the race.


It’s a dawning of a new horizon; a new reason and the perfection of the soul…

That brings me to my knees… for now I can “”feel” that nothing has to take its toll.


I fear not how I deemed my life would be right at this moment…. I’m never alone.

Oddly I have had an awakening … what I need to make me see myself as whole.


I’m unique in many ways…. I dance to a different song… I accept that for it’s how I roll.

I’ve never been one to require material things…. now scars cover up my hearts’ hole.


Some may wonder if I’m a handful and may not be able to accept how I think…

I’ll not be someone who plays games;  I accept the changes… around the truth i won’t skate.


My head may be within the edge of where I stand on the edge… where I am totally free.

Toes over that ledge, arms open wide… willing to take a chance again…“Tis where I should be.


Thunder may roll, the skies turn cloudy.. and I watch how it tends to wash away all fears.

It’s only spaces between … shades of grey… suddenly I realize some listen & they hear.


What comes from the moments of each time my heart sings…

At that second my soul also …as a bell..rings.


Love is always ready to take you into the heavens..floating all around within the clear blue skies

Life moves, flows, ebbs, trying to bring me down; with time I shall stand on mountain top.. I shall arise


Never can I turn my heart out into this world broken nor  shall it be cold …

My guess is that I’m a fool & ready to try again… for love  am still sold..


Rhiannon Steele 6/18/2023

Wheel of my Angels....


 My Wheel of Angels....

YOU are The Stage In My Life...

 You are the Stage of my Life….


Can you see…the oceans flashing, the rivers flowing…ever haunting you day and night..

Oh My Soul…Must you stand there just to think ..I was born blind??


If you look deeply, deeper and deeper into this heart…you know it beats for you..

Please don’t ever break this spell that you have me under.. it’s pure/..”Tis true.


The touch of your fingers upon my skin…that little smile that you know drives me wild..

I’ve danced, ran, & crawled across the stages of my life… I loved ..always in strife.. only you I want to be beside.


Sometimes I have no clue….how I could fall so deeply for you?

Then I see that smile and I realize you’ve always been within my view…


Passion, the realm of silent…deeply…profusely…kind of the madness of love..

It’s what brings me to my knees, pleads for you…my saving Grace… as the plants above.


We can roll with all the stages…all the races…all of the spaces destined to be…

I see it so clearly, so sensually …pre-destined…. destiny…


Rhia Steele

Copyright 7/9/2023





Saturday, July 1, 2023

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

šŸ’ƒ


Happy 4th!!! Happy Birthday America!!!


Have fun ...be safe.... and Celebrate like it's 1984!!!!!

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

Chaos, Life, Love, Chronic Illnesses, and Chronic Pain...

Unless you have never used a computer; the internet, IP address... you couldn’t possibly not know how much people GAIN online. Friendships, long lasting relationships, new friends ...yes there are the "rotten ones" who try and screw things you do for people enjoying here or wherever life takes you.


It’s been nothing but, chaos, still in wars, spending budget of a TRILLION DOLLARS Ridiculous! THEN WE allow them to pull these stunts that are driving our good doctors to retire or not see certain Patients.


Due to the DEA and all on FDA, ALL of Congress & House of Reps, for legitimate chronic pain patients of all kinds. Ruining our lives, having no close person who has gone through this.THIS HORRIBLE, at times out of control pain is causing people with extreme pain, to find another opportunity or mode to help with the chronic pain.


I am so totally disgusted with ALL of our supposedly voted officials. They sure haven’t

HEARD THE PEOPLE! We are supposed to have many FREEDOMS!  Yet the government has a say over it one way or the other .I feel the ENTIRE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT need to removed ad we need SMART AND HONEST in D.C.


We; as a nation with all of these highly intelligent people in our 50 states; we could have the best…of the best. PEOPLE NEED THEIR FREEDOMS BACK!


It’s asinine what goes on in the Medical Community. What is so much more disturbing is just HOW deep along are just the the governments untold stories, the lies, the corruption, taking rights away of the people…..


It’s like an earthquake not showing at 1st. It’s the RUMBLINGS we Hear. THIS is ALL of our governmental  bodies. They are rumbling and soon huge fractures will divide many of us. I almost fear (not in my lifetime) another “civil war”…people are getting fed up. 


I’ve seen it, walked through it, bogged down in it, done it, regretted it, been there …literally wrote two published books and I’m working on a couple of new ones. If I look I probably have a T-shirt with it, journals full are filled and over flowing..I’ve been so bowled over; with you & it’s like the rushing water pouring over a waterfall….. fresh, pure, true.


I’ve not touched in this writing piece about my health issues, nor any other personal issues. I DO  and WILL share my journey…

It is long and tedious. It’s time taken away, surgeries, doctors, medications, side effects,  and everything in between.


Chronically Ill people generally have some type of “chronic pain issue” also. They tend to work hand in hand. It began for me when I was about 14 years old. I had my right knee torn up playing baseball with some friends. One kid used me instead of 2nd base. He slid into my leg and tore the cartilage in my knee. I had already had a tonsillectomy when I was about 11 years old.


As I work on finishing my “autobiography” it includes ILLNESS, HEALTH and so forth. It also WILL POUR out what else has happened to me even before the health issues. I have a “hole” in me…I have “scars” I can talk about now…


I’ve been so frightened at 14 years old that I couldn’t even tell my Dad. In fact, I couldn’t go to my Mom at first. I went to our next door neighbor. She was a nurse and like a “2nd Mom” to me.

I won’t go into details here; but I am sure although we didn’t have the term “PTSD”; that is certainly what I had.


Life has ebbed and flowed; it has almost drowned me, tormented me and ‘brings me down to my knees” …sobbing inconsolably. I have stood upon the top of one of the highest peaks in Colorado. I jumped what seemed like “STRAIGHT DOWN” from atop that mountain into snow over head deep if you ever lost a ski or lost your footing.  Those ‘double black diamonds” slopes were THE best! What a rush!


I never had one thought about packing up and moving to Austin, to California… I loved driving trips! I would get in my car, and drive half way from Seattle to Lancaster CA. I have a dear friend there. In fact I lived there about 4 months.


I drove from Phoenix AZ to Nebraska! I thought the drive from Nebraska to just South of Dallas Texas would be endless. There was literally nothing for miles and miles to see. Flat land, no houses, no place to buy anything. I felt like the world just maybe flat and I missed Texas somewhere the drive was so long.


Anyone who has never been to Texas…or you have not driven through Texas, it is one HUGE state. From North to South down to Brownsville and at the Mexico border is a days drive!


Already had 2 major knee surgeries before I was 22 years old. I also already had “signs” of osteoarthritis. Back then the doctors said it was an “old” person’s illness; young people don’t have arthritis. LITTLE did they know then.


I lived my life “bass ackwards” When I was a teenager I was at home, with my music, my writing, dancing, piano and I didn’t do what “normal” teenagers did. My Dad was extremely overprotective. When I was single; in my early twenties, I acted like a teenager. It really continued throughout my entire life. At times I do stuff most grown ups would be what the hell is she thinking? I have to laugh.   ahh…I shall continue……


I have a “soft spot” for others hurting. Whether it is a physical pain, emotional, mental anguish, or someone just needing to “vent” I am always “listening”, “watching” and paying close attention. After some of the things I waded through; my whole purpose I feel is to help others. 


I understand how it feels to NEED someone to just ”listen” let me ramble..and I am over it. You shall see me REALLY get a bit (more than a bit)  peeved when I feel there is an injustice happening to a person or a group of people.


It RIPS my soul to see someone mistreated. As many wonderful people there still are in this world; there are also MANY that have total disregard for others. You will see me come unglued at times; because I just cannot stand the thought of anyone being harmed in any form. 


I wear my heart on my sleeve. I cry much more than I admit. I am so soft hearted; I sometimes “forget” how cruel some people can be. That includes some Doctors and others working in the Medical field. I’ve certainly went through my share of doctors that should remember their “code”.. DO NO HARM! 


I have one that is who did my cervical neck surgery and he did my reverse shoulder replacement well before anyone else in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area. He is an incredible surgeon. But he lacks having a good bedside manner. He also does not like an “educated” patient. He and I got into it over a CT Scan of my neck before my 2nd cervical neck surgery. 


I said something about the CT Scan NOT showing as much damage as was in my cervical spine. He asked me if I was a “Radiologist”! I said “NO” but I know my body. Plus, every time I have ever had a CT Scan before a surgery, when they do surgery the doctors come out and say things were much worse than the CT Scans. He upset me so badly I got up, walked out sobbing. 


After he did the surgery, he came after I woke up and apologized to me. He admitted I was correct. I know he really did NOT want to admit I was right. But, he did. Of course, I am not an expert. I realize that many of us with “chronic health issues and/or chronic pain KNOW how we feel. We also have educated ourselves. We must watch out for ourselves the way things are now.


Everything is so much different than even 10 years ago. I used to go to one doctor who took care of most anything. I am fortunate to have an incredible Primary Care Physician.  I became his patient (one of the first) when he first arrived here. He is brilliant. He knows more about Lupus, RA, and ALL of my other health issues. I can send him a message through the portal and if he is in the office, I have an answer that day.