Chronically Ill, Feeling Chronically Hopeless and Helpless - Trying to sort out Autoimmune illnesses, from the entangled life many of us have....

I am having an extremely difficult time (with everything) I guess I might as well say... but several are just really getting to me.... first of all, as many of you who knew about the "accident" in March 2014, which totally tore our lives to shreds (if things had not already been lousy as far as health issues)... and then that happened... most close friends know about the "ensuing" "law suit" that has been ongoing now for almost 20 months or so... anyway, many know that my own health just went all terribly down hill due to the untold amount of emotional, mental and physical stress I endured. I am NOT saying at all that my "partner" who had been married to me for 10 years and we had been together for 13 years, has gone through as much and in many ways MORE emotional, mental, physical and psychological stress... the turmoil for few seconds were on I-45 headed into Dallas, took what was somewhat of a normal daily life, although I had endured several chronic health problems, and turned lives, mine, his, my Mom, my two kids... and many others have been effected by this... He decided to move on, and why honestly until this moment, I am not sure why.... but nevertheless, he had his reasons, some I may 'get" others I don't get at all, but again I went through and am still going through a "mourning"... a "grieving" process even though there was not a 'death" in this instance, thank goodness, it still is a LOSS... a loss of a relationship, a friendship, we did everything together... and now I am here and he is in WA state.... so with that said, after losing all of my teeth due to Sjogren's and the stress.... the RA, Lupus and so forth growing worse, then 2 bouts of double pneumonia for me, and now a break out of cellulitis first, along with the abscess that was after the cellulitis... all related to one another, and another "lump" that has not been cut open and checked yet. It probably needs to be biopsied also, although NOT growing larger as this 1st one did, it is also NOT going away either... now add on that I have some issues on my very lower lumbar/sacral spine, that probably really need to be repaired with surgery, then my Mom, who began like I did, with severe "hip" pain, come to find out hers is also related to her lumbar spine. In between all of that, I became terribly sick to my stomach for days, and days and then Mom also had an entire intestinal tract "thing" going on for weeks and weeks. WE HOPE her problems have now been addressed and that part is over with... but i know she is frightened about having stomach, intestinal issues, especially since her last living sibling, my Aunt Geraldine passed away about 2 months ago after fighting a rare form of digestive tract cancer.... so Mom I know is concerned knowing all of went on like that....

Then last week after trying to get a chest Xray performed about 7 weeks or more, I FINALLY did get it, and the information is at my Rheumatologists office (the Xray was done due to a TB blood test not being "correct" thus they did the chest X ray as a followup) but I have not had ANY of my "biologic" meds for the RA since I found the lump in my leg... so for about 3 months I've been terrified to take it knowing it can cause an infection to get worse... but I do see my Rheumatologist, next week thank goodness, if it does NOT get cancelled again because someone did not do the schedule correctly....

And he sent me an email saying we would discuss options at my appt... which is fine with me.....

NOW, onto the part.... many of you also know I lost my best "fur baby" my Tazzy week before last... well on the 22nd of September, I think... her poor heart I guess was just worn out, and after spending an incredible last night with her, singing to her, rocking her, telling her all about our good times together, that early morning she passed away in my arms... I still cannot believe at times she is gone... I come in from errands and think she will be there with her "bubba" just wagging tails and so happy to see me... whether I am gone 10 minutes or 10 hours.... when I walk it I always get a very "welcome home"..... and Bub's my "chi-weenie" he i about 5 I think... 5 years old or so... time gets away from us... but bless his heart... he is missing her, and I hear it when it cries at times, and see it in his eyes... I think he thinks I will bring her home one day... like he is looking for her to be in my arms.... and I had her cremated, so she sits here on my desk right beside me... and I will take her little cedar box down and let Bub's see it.... this morning when I opened it for a moment... he sniffed of it, and kind of looked odd... and then it was almost as if he was telling me "no" that is not my sister.... And he just acted differently than he used to.... so I am trying my best to give him as much love and extra attention as I can... I brought him a new toy home yesterday, and he has been doing really good... I thought he may begin having "accidents" in the floor but so far he has not done that but maybe once.....
OKAY NOW TO THE THINGS I AM CONFUSED ABOUT....

A "part" of me wonders if getting a new puppy in the next few months when I find one that is what my ideas are... if that is an "okay" thing to do, and how Bub's will deal with it... I do know he misses Tazz, and he always wanted her to play, tug of war, with the toys... or Bub's likes to sling it from side to side, and he likes me to call his name and tell him "Bub's sling the heck out of it".... so a piece of me, wonders if this is way too early to think about another one, both for myself and for Bub's.... I NEVER want to feel as if I tried to "forget her" in getting a new pup.... and she will always be the light of my life... and nothing will ever change that... the love we shared is not measurable... but also about Bub's... would he feel "less lonely" and want to play with a new pup, or would he get jealous, and feel as if he takes "2nd base" because that is sure not true... him and Tazz were and would have always been treated equal in love... my heart is large enough to love them both... and I try to never show I favored one of them over the other.... plus I am fed up with the world, this nation, the greed, the lying, cheating, self righteous indignation I witness each and every day... whether online, the news, from the papers, wherever I look all I see is total "take care of yourself" and to heck with the needs of others... I was NOT raised that way, and never will I try and do something intentionally to do any and all of the horrible things seen in this nation, the state, this town and this world....

Getting back to my own "personal issues" I used to be able to do just about anything when it came to home repair, car things, and anything DIY - I love it, loved it, and could install a water heater myself, put up ceiling fans myself, paint, you name it, I could do it... and it is NOT that I do not have the know how anymore... I Don't have the STRENGTH especially upper body... my ceiling fan went out in my living room of all places.... and I have it own night and day usually almost 365 days a year, either to cool things down, or pull the warm air down in the winter... so I knew the motor was beginning to get slower, but I got another over a year out of it, but I have to replace it!!! And even with my ladder for inside that I have, I can do it myself, but my arms after the shoulder and neck surgeries, tend to be not enough to hold much of anything over my head for any length of time.... believe me I almost bought one yesterday, to bring home and try... and YES I know to make sure the power is all off to that room etc.... and could but if I get in the middle of it, and have no back up plan, then what the heck? I would have to leave it down, tape the wires up and find someone to put it in anyway.... I am at a crossroads in so many ways in my life... this stupid "hearing" for the lawsuit is supposed to be November 4th, but we do not know for sure, and probably won't until the week before... AND I NEED TO HAVE THAT LOWER LUMBAR/SACRAL surgery before year end due to insurance... and that is another thing , I am going to also have to do research on these stupid Medicare advantage plans... the one Mom and I have now is useless... it does not even cover a HOSPITAL in this county!!!! It has just been a nightmare with them, and as far as I am concerned AARP Secure Horizons - /United Healthcare/ I WOULD NEVER EVER RECOMMENDED THEM AGAIN!!! They flat lied when I looked at their website, and called a number of times to make sure ALL of our doctors, meds and so forth were covered... well once they have their claws into many people AFTER you could NOT change until the next open enrollment, and they did things like "drop doctors" even those they said they would cover, sent some "new cards" that was NOT the policy that person wanted and so forth BUT for Mom she could take her Medicare back, and pay for a "Medigap" Supplemental policy... but for ME since I am under 65 - I have found only ONE "supplemental" policy and it was 700.00 a MONTH!!!!! No one can pay out like that especially if you are disabled anyway So, as you can tell, I've got lots of research, decisions, and so on to make... and I so wished now I would have never been "named" in the suit.... my life would not have nearly as much stress on it..... but hindsight is 20/20
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