Sunday, October 25, 2015

When LIfe decided is to Just apart where do you turn, what do you do, and how to cope, deal, and figure out all of the why's, what's, how's. when's... chronic pain and I am in INTRACTABKE OAUB due to my PAIN PUMP STALLING & Meaning surgery for a new one!

I know there are "lots" of sayings, what does not "kill" us makes us stronger, when life gives you lemons, make lemonaide.... and so forth but WHEN ENOUGH OF DESPAIR, GRIEF, AND MISERY... ALONG WITH EVERYTHING GOING WRONG... COMES AROUND all of those "sayings" fly the heck out the window.... i was already in enough pain and despair, and now for my pain pump to decide of all times to "stall"... this is just not a good thing at all for me.... I am desperate....

Yes, right now is the very WORST time for my pain pump to decide to go out... and there is no way to "fix" it... once it "stalls" as mine has, then major surgery and a new one is the only way to take care of the issue. OF course my pain doctor prescribed a massive dosage of Morphine Extended Release to try and make up for "some" of the lack of the pain pump, but there is really no way to give me enough "oral medication" to take care of all the pain.. I have had a bit of what I might call "withdrawal" but not so much that as it is severe and almost intractable pain since it finally completely went out. They basically "stopped" it on Friday - Medtronic who makes this pump, has reps that help with these matters... so one of the Reps met me at my pain docs office on Friday morning, and even though he was in OR, his nurse was able to get hold of him and they decided to turn the pump to "a minimum" dose which is basically nothing... once all of the meds finally went through the catheter that delivers the meds to my spinal canal, then of course the pain began and yesterday was horrible. I almost did not even find the morphine... in fact I called here in my home town almost every pharmacy before leaving Dallas... because I felt I may have problems finding that high dose of medication in Ennis. But, fortunately one of our pharmacies did have it... so I came straight home, dropped it off, got Mom to her house, and picked up the meds.,, I knew I did not have very long before I would not have any medication in my body, and so it was... by the time I picked up the script, got home, and settled in, I had to take a pill, and since then I am alternating between the MS Contin ER and then my Oxycodone, which is my oral medication I took even with the pump for times that I had more pain than others... It is very difficult to take someone who was being given about 11mg's right into my spinal fluid daily of Dilaudid, and try to replace that with "oral medication"... as I said they really cannot give me enough, not by mouth .... the pain pump delivers it straight to my spinal fluid, thus I never had any side effects, no breathing problems, or anything that oral pain medications cause. Since they do not go through my entire system, then I take a much smaller amount daily, yet it is much much more efficient, and without all of the issues that as I said oral meds cause... I knew that the pump had about a life of 7 to 10 years... and then it would have to be replaced... the battery life in them is about 8 years average, thus they were puzzled as to why it had a sudden "motor stall"... it is rare, very rare, but heck whatever is "very rare" I can know will happen to me, always does.... they even asked me if I had been around anything electromagnetic, like an MRI, or such because that will cause it to stall, but no the only thing I went through was at the court house two times to take paperwork in to the District Clerks office and went through the metal detector, but that has been now about 2 weeks since my last time, so that should not have caused the problem... I even stay away from my microwave... I turn it on, then back away... even though it is not supposed to have any effect on it, I have always been extremely cautious because of the pump and knowing that certain things can harm it.... I have been to the docs offices several times over the last couple of months, with me and my Mom, but still nothing as far as any type of equipment that should effect the pump... I even thought since I had been doing lots of stuff here at the house, moving big plants around and lifting some stuff maybe I did something to it, but nothing like that would cause the motor to stall... and as far as the tubing from it to my spine, it was there in the beginning and has been "grown into " the place now for 5 plus years, so that should not effect it... I had a couple of chest Xrays but that should not bother it either.... I had been moving plants around and potting soil... so I had lifted some things that I probably should not have but that was more due to my back, and my shoulder replacement, and nothing to do with the pump... and why now.... who knows??? as I said this is the very worst time for this to happen... I have Mom and her problems and she has a couple of doc appts but both fortunately are here in town, so even if I can't go she can go by herself... she would not understand anything they say probably... but that I can find out so I am not all the concerned about that... but then there is the issue of the "court hearing" if the truck driver that ran over my soon to be ex-husband that now they still have not offered a settlement... so if that does not happen this week basically that means a jury trial that may last a week or more and that means a trip to Dallas every day for me.... and if I have surgery, there is no way my doctor will allow me to even "ride" to Dallas and sit in a court room, much less drive myself... and this needs to be done ASAP - as soon as the insurance gives the okay, the pump surgery needs to be done.... which hopefully will be this week sometimes.... I have all of the divorce paperwork done and the court date for that is not until Jan 4th, so that is not a problem... thank goodness I did get the papers all done and filed.... anyway, I was in the middle of trying to adopt a new puppy also, and now I thought Mom's stuff would make me postpone that but now, until I have this surgery, I have to postpone getting a new puppy, and will probably have to have my dog sitter to come over and check on Bub's.... I maybe in the hospital 2 days and a night... and should be home after that... but I will be sore and tired for a few days once that is done.... anyway, it is all just a horrible mess right now... and honestly I don't know which way to turn... I had to miss church this morning, but I am in so much pain, there was just no way I could get dressed to go... plus the weather here is horrible, cooler, still raining, and even though we did not have as much flooding, some of our roads are still flooded in places, and you have to watch where you drive.... anyway, I have not even felt like getting into the shower and I have to do that, but I thought I would wait until a bit later in the afternoon, and when I have enough of my pain meds in me, then I can get in the shower and I am sure the warm water will help some of this pain... I have discovered one thing..... again not good... MY LOWER lumbar spine does need surgery.... after the pump meds began to wear off, my lower lumbar spine/sacral is causing me so much pain, almost more than anywhere else... so now I know why at times even with all of the meds I've had problems there... I had been told I needed at least a one level surgery there, but I know that does now need to be addressed.... it is effecting even my legs badly, the pain down both of them is terrible.... so again not a good thing... but it does tell the story of what problem I am having with my lower spine that effect my hips and my legs.... Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers... I cannot really sit here much, so I have not been online other than now, and earlier to post at first what was going on... I need all the prayers I can get right now... I don't even know who will get me to have the surgery, then drive me home afterwards.... so there are many "little" things that are "big things" with all of this....

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