"Through my heart's work of writing, I share with you my complex journey a top the mountain, sliding down, crawling up, & living through the realms of Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses. Taming "The Wolf" Thru each Day... One Step at a Time … Together We Are Learning to Survive. Please follow along, to New Beginnings - looking Thru the Window Pane of Pain in life where we shall find our journey leading us to - New Perspectives
Happy New Year and the beginning of a very COLD 2018 to MOST of the nation!
I had an amazing opportunity this week. One that I never expected to happen, but the way it did, and how it did, brought tears of joy to my eyes.
Many of you know, that I am divorced. Albeit, WE thought we would be "old and rocking" together in a swing on our front porch, for many reasons, some I feel are senseless and we should still be together, but it takes TWO.
Anyway, my ex husband has a daughter. He has not seen or even known where she was for over 30 years. The last time he saw her, she was about 2 years old. He was young, the Mom was young, and it was just not meant to be at the time. But, things happened, that really should never have, and the Mom caused a great harm to a Dad and daughter, that I hope after all these years, that some of those precious days can be gained back.
I got a private message on Facebook in fact on Tuesday. I "immediately" recognized the name. In fact I had helped "search for her" for years, trying to help him get in touch with her. Once she was over 18 years old, he felt she "may" want to know him, or maybe not. But, he definitely wanted a chance for them to find one another, and see how the other felt. All the while recently she had been doing the same, but it never "aligned" until it so happened that "my name" associated with his, and some of my friends on Facebook were her friends also.
I got the message asking me if I was married to this man. I said that "yes" we were married for almost 10 years and together almost 13. But, things changed and he is now back in the Seattle area. Of course I already knew who she was, but I did ask. It still blows me away how people's paths can cross, when you least expect it.
For one, I will admit, he left, and I honestly never understood, WHY, he didn't stay because he still was in love with me, and him I.. yet he battles with thinking that if a couple "has a disagreement" then something is wrong with the relationship. He came from a very "not just broken" but completely "battlefield" of a home, where the Father was an abuser, and the Mother either mentally unstable, or caught up in some really horrid things and people. In fact she died when he was only about 9 years old. His Dad had been dead for 3 YEARS before he found out! Like I said this was a battlefield of a wrecked home.
Here is the main "scoop" to my post.....
I have a wonderful story to tell and this was just incredible for this to happen right at the brand New Year! Someone reached out to me, that thought I "may know" from the searches the person done online. They found my name along with someone's name and reached out to me on private messenger here yesterday. I KNEW immediately who this person was, and that actually who they was looking for had been searching a very long time to find them also. So, I of course said yes I know them, and yes I can contact them. I told them that they had been searching for a long while and in fact several years ago, I helped someone search for this exact person. So, I made a couple of phone calls, and the two that had not been in contact with one another for something like 30 years almost, "connected" yesterday. Both had been so concerned that the other would not want anything to do with them, but it was just the opposite, they both had been looking for each other. So, I got a beautiful message from them yesterday evening, telling me that they were so very appreciative of me finding out and helping to get them together after all these years. It is "close family" so when anyone is searching for a very close family member that they had "lost touch" with and had been searching, hoping and wishing it would someday happen, yesterday that miracle unfolded right in front of me. So, even if "my New Year" sucks, what happened yesterday was the BEST New Years blessing I could ever hope for. I realize all too often now, some get so caught up in their own situation, that they may not take the time and effort to do something like this, but of course it was never in my nature to not reach out and try to help. I am so totally blessed, and I now also "found" another person who I also was wanting to find for a long time also....
I realize MANY MANY of us have been "touched" by severe weather, threats from those who wish to harm us, Mother Nature's wrath, from fires, to hurricanes to tornado's... people that "abuse" others, and just now after MANY years they have the "courage and voice" to speak out... So, as you gather around friends, family, the table, food, trees, gifts and more... Remember to keep "HOPE" Alive and burning brightly in your heart, say a prayer for those less fortunate, even though many of us are on that "list" of misfortunes also... hold your head high, and don't allow others to take over your life... PRAY that somehow the WORLD finds "PEACE" and always hold onto those you love and let them know everyday that you do...
Many blessings I wish for all of you and again hoping that the New Year of 2018, brings much goodness to us all!!!! Below is a "montage of photo's of myself, my daughter and her family, my 3 Grandkids, and my 2 Fur-Babies Bella Doxie and Peanut!
Well of course when it "rains it pours with me"... first it was the ceiling fan in the living room, of which is still sitting in my back bedroom not put up yet, then the dryer goes out and I STILL do NOT have MY new washer and dryer... they were going to bring them yesterday BUT I've felt like heck now for about 3 or 4 days, a BAD, BAD HEADACHE, a very, very nauseated stomach, and I've just not felt well at all. I STILL did not sleep last night, and I woke up with my head still hurting and my fingers are so bad with the eczema or whatever is wrong with them, that they are bleeding cracked, and then at night they swell, and throb so badly it wakes me up...
they really got bad after the colder weather hit... anyway, I just about got our decorations all on the tree, in fact I took pics but I don't think I even put them up here yet., so yesterday I was getting out of my HUGE HONKIN TUB as I call it, in fact I will post a pic of it, I found one just exactly like it a bit ago... anyway, I looked up at one of the side panels and thought I saw a "crack" in it! I was like it can't be... there is no "strain" on the 3 back panels, and I am the only one in it, unless I give the pups a bath, and then when I got to looking there were 2 in one panel and then on the other side I saw a crack in it! Now I bought that tub in 2006, several months after we moved in. When we did all of the remodeling, made the bathroom larger, put in new plumbing, electrical and lots of other work to the house, I ordered that tub... and it came in in about 5 huge crates, and we actually put it in ourselves.
So, I got to thinking about it, and the
ONLY thing I could come up
with is that the panes of glass that enclose it are HEAVY!!! There are the two that slide, but then on each side, there is also panes... so that is a great deal of weight on those two panels over the years, especially with the two sliding back and forth to open and close it, and then like I said they are very heavy. Other than that I could see if it was in a bottom, or bottom side of the tub itself but it just does not make sense for cracks to be on those side panels... Anyway, I am going to silicone them for now, because about 3 months ago,
I began to notice the closets, and one of them opens into the back of that shower, and we have it where we can take a piece of the back of the closet down and see all the plumbing and electrical for the shower, I began to notice some kind of "odor"... well I know due to the humidity here in TX anyway, then the heat of the summer especially, it can get kind of a musty smell, and I keep stuff in the closets to absorb moisture, and change it frequently due to the moisture from the tub also... and I have to wonder now, if those small cracks are beginning to cause a bit of a seep from them, and that maybe causing that musty smell, if so, I don't know of a thing to do, but take out that shower, and put a smaller, just walk in shower with a bench for me...
I knew someday it may come to me having to do something else, because of the hip fractures, all of my joint surgeries and so forth, it can be a bit slippery now getting in and out of this particular type of shower, sauna/tub ... I pray it waits though after the mess with NOT getting the guy to finish my house outside, and taking all of that money, now the washer and dryer, the ceiling fan, and last night dammit, I was washing my crock pot and it slipped and knocked a piece out of the handle of it... It is not inside anywhere and I glued the piece back on, but I doubt it holds long, and my crock pot is one of my most used items in my kitchen almost! So, when it rains it pours as I said... I HOPE "Murphy's Law" leaves me alone for a while, I am going broke with things BREAKING! Below is the exact one I have...
THE PHARMACY CVS, AND OTHER THOUGHTS ON HEALTH INSURANCE, THE GOVERNMENT ISSUES AND MORE...
I usually try to stay away from "politics" but lately POLITICS IS EFFECTING SO MANY OF US WITH CHRONIC HEALTH CONDITIONS, IT'S DIFFICULT TO NOT SPEAK ABOUT THEM!
I don't know how everyone else feels about this ordeal over "CVS"
"limiting" opioid medications like they are, BUT WHAT NEXT!???
blood pressure medications, and Lord knows what??? It is a sad day when
our own physicians can get "trumped" HAHA yeah I said "TRUMPED" by the
darned pharmacies! I THINK it stinks, in so many ways....
After making the statement above that really did not have all that much to do with the "President" other than it came almost to be a "pun" play on words, I had I guess a "follower" of the President's "confront" me on Facebook. In the first place, I said NOTHING about him having a thing to do with CVS and their "new" tactics as far as "reducing" greatly the amount of opiates for 'acute" pain they will sell now.
Needless to say she made the comment "Well NO ONE should EVER be given OPIATES for PAIN! This is a woman that is a "friend" as far as on Facebook, BUT she never "says" a word to me, never. Yet, I guess due to me making the pun on words about "Trumped" she decided to "attack" me on my own page.
First of all, posting your opinion is fine. I don't have a problem at all with that, But, she really didn't read what I posted in the first place, and in the 2nd, I found out she has FM, and she began to "object" to everything I said about "any type" of pain control.
Yes, I was getting extremely frustrated with this person who never says a thing, to begin to say things like, (I talked about a friend of mine who uses Kratom for pain" and I had never heard of it, until lately. I would not use it, but for some it works and I think that is great. Then lately I've been hearing about some people using the "Hemp Extract Oil" or "CBD" Oil that is completely legal, you can even buy it on Amazon or many other places that sell all types of aromatherapy items and so forth.
So, I also mentioned that, along with other items that either are "not prescription" opiates, or the things that maybe prescriptions but not opiates, yet there are many people with other health conditions that may not allow them to take "NSAIDS", Antidepressants, some epilepsy medications and so on.
Thus, you can't just put everyone under the "same umbrella" and say NO ONE SHOULD BE GIVEN OPIATES! Also, MANY of those that get medications like this either "acquire" them illegally or from a different county, OR they are using other "illegal" narcotics, such as heroin, and other drugs that are not legal.
I hold high regard for Senator John McCain and in fact just sent him a message telling him how much I appreciate that he stood up for all of us, and said this "Obamacare" replacement" insurance could ultimately bring so many of us closer to the poor house that we already are, OR cause us to lose our coverage all together as far as pre-exsisting conditions.
It's more than time for the American people to take a stance against what our own officials that we place in high honored spots in our government that do NOT listen to the very people they represent. But, it needs to be in a "positive" realm, not causing and reeking havoc, or breaking things, ruining other people's property, and the likes.
I realize that not all of us have the money, or time, to make a trip to Washington DC, but we can get in contact with most of our Congressional Leaders. They have email, twitter, Facebook, websites where you can send a message, mail a letter, send a video, do something to stand up and LET them KNOW we will not stand for the thoughtless ways they treat their constituents.
I absolutely know that those directly effected by Hurricane Harvey, along with 2 more, one a category 5 STORM now, and the horrid nature of fires burning our entire Pacific Coastline nearly; along with other natural and man made disasters, we all wonder what the heck is next!?
As the news talks about the horrid events now days, they make it so utterly scary that many of us don't want to even walk out of our homes... between terrorism that comes in small, medium and HUGE FACTORS, how Mother Nature is reeking havoc in almost every state in the USA, and even across the waters into Europe. and the Asian countries, each day I wonder, will it ever get better? Are we just "doomed" to never see the "light" of day again, under all of the horrible things going on?
Our Federal Government is a total mess! That is stating it in a mild way. We are bound if we sit around, and allow it to be in a 3rd War soon, and none of us will be able to afford health care, and as some of us feel, we think the government just soon us "die" than to have to care for those chronically ill or elderly. That is a terrible statement but that is honestly how they come off now when they talk about "Obama" Care, and the ACA, and so forth.
We "used to be" the greatest nation in our world. Yet we are greedy, narcissistic, petty, arguing, not caring, or have no patience or compassion for the many of us suffering, whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally. Oh yes, everyone "comes together" when a huge disaster strikes, but on a daily level, of everyday life, people in general, not ALL but many could care less about their neighbors, people they work with, and even family members, much less strangers off the street.
While the entire world watches, the maniac in No. Korea is pounding and stomping, ready to annihilate our nation and others. I realize that although many wanted the current person as President of our country, I feel now there are those that wished they had not made that decision. He has no tact, he didn't in the running, he has no "people skills" and relies on his "team" that keeps either leaving or getting fired to "mop up his mess". How we can sit around and allow our President to "tweet" just anything he "feels" at the moment is beyond my comprehension. People griped about Hillary's emails" - well as far as I am concerned, what the "current" Leader of our nation does daily trumps (love it the word play there) LOL! .. any email Hillary ever had compromised....
From the insurance ordeal, to him making more "enemies", to his "brushing" off the common daily person, with his attitude, to how he continues to cause this nation to possibly be in an all out war... he is just a train wreck waiting to happen.
"We" as a nation, seem to live now in one type of horror, or more than one these days. Whether it be physical illnesses, often chronic, acute health issues requiring emergent care, getting robbed, having some type of "terrorism" so close to us, knowing that there are those that just as soon "completely rid" the world of our country's people, high prices, and less wages... we live now in a society that nothing is ever "calm" , without stress, or have days that we are not worried about one thing or the other.
These are times of complications every where we turn. Health care costs are soaring. When a medication that is "necessary" to keep us with a good quality of life, in in the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS A MONTH, OR WE MUST JUMP THROUGH HOOPS, anytime we have a health problem/ The days of bullying is at an all time high. Kids no longer can be "kids"... from the time they are very young, we in these days must teach them "how to not be harmed".. whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally. Now the "bullies" lurk not just face to face, but on the internet, causing so many of our children to be terrorized at a young age. Kids must watch out for those with "guns", knives or other weapons, in the time of their life that those things should not exist.
IF this does not hit the "NAIL ON THE HEAD" ABOUT the truth of chronic pain patients, and those of us, who suffer daily, and what might happen if we no longer were able to have relief with our medications.
Most of us would gladly throw away pain medications, if WE WERE NOT IN HORRIBLY, CHRONIC AND OFTEN DAILY SEVERE PAIN!
In The World We Now Live In, All Too Often Many Of Us Remember Times that were Simpler, Many of Us Without Chronic Pain and Suffering, not Fighting to Get Into See Physicians, or Fighting to Get Insurance Companies to Pay the Bills. We also Were Not "Surrounded by A Sea of Specialists" Parents and Kids Never had to Be Concerned Over "kids Abusing Drugs", we could Leave Our Windows Open, Our Doors Unlocked, Those Time When a "Mean World" did not exist. You Could Walk down The Street, You could Drive down The Highway, Kids could Play in Their Yards, We were not a Country, And World filled with Violence, Hatred, Bigotry, None a few years ago would have been a "Suicide Bombers" or 'Home Grown" Terrorists; in fact any type" of Terrorists
Time were filled with good memories, vacations with families, getting together with the Neighbors, Having a "treat" of a Hamburger and Fries on Paydays. Deer Hunting, Fishing, and Our Minds Filled with The Promise of a Brighter Future... now WE LONG for those times that gas was .50 a gallon, and $10.00 would buy enough groceries for a month. We have such gratefulness and I know for myself, a "Longing" to live in "that World" again...
I had been "going over" all kinds of memories, good times. lousy times,
and all of the "quickness" of how time goes by. My daughter and I were
talking on the phone yesterday. She had taken the boys to get school
shoes and clothes. She was saying that of course Logan, the youngest,
still has a "school supply" list, yet James, who it just dawned on me,
my oldest Grandson is going into JR. HIGH SCHOOL this year. So, of
course they wait for many of the supplies because the teachers will want
different things. That got me to thinking and remembering what seems
like just yesterday, that Amanda and Jimbo brought James up from Corpus,
he was only about 6 WEEKS old, born on December 6th, 2005. I had really
just moved back to Texas, after being in Seattle for almost 5 years,
and only had been back myself for about 2 weeks or so.
I got to looking
at all of the photo's over the years, how little James was, then Logan,
who is almost 5 years younger than James, is also getting much older,
growing like a weed, and is now I believe 7 and going into the 2nd
grade! Heather my Granddaughter, who was only 2 years old when Amanda
and Jimbo began seeing one another, is now been out of high school over a
year, and is starting on her 2nd year in college, working, and getting
ready to go to nursing school probably next spring. As I thought about
my years, my hopes, dreams, possibilities, the things I accomplished,
things I wished I had accomplished, and that "list of deals, times,
events, and yet dreams" of what we "hope" we get to do, before we are
"no longer here" on this "plain" and have stepped into another realm.
I've been blessed with the incredible children, grown, never was into
loads of trouble, drugs, causing problems, both have the high school
diploma's and have some college, certificates and so forth. I had a son
in law that is that is the most caring, nurturing, loving, comforting,
care taking husband, son and Father I believe I've ever known.
daughter and him met when she was about 15 years old, and as of today,
and what will probably be the rest of their lives, that have a stable,
happy, loving home, with three incredible kids, and they are blessed,
and I am blessed and a better person for my daughter, son and son in
law. When I think about how much I "missed out on" from my personal
ideology that I so wanted to accomplish, I began pondering that first of
all, when I was in school, and for the most part when my kids were in
school, there was NOT a great deal of "meanness" of drugs, of those who
choose to terrify other kids... life honestly was much simpler,
especially when i was in high school. Yet, the very things I felt I
would either "do" etc in my own personal life, much I never
accomplished. I wanted to be a nurse, and in the medical profession,
from the time I was about 13. I began my "writing" at 14, and felt I
would be compelled to be a very accomplished author in the time to come.
I wanted to travel much more, even overseas to many of the European
countries, yet I've only been out of "the states" once, and that was to
Mexico. I never even got the chance to go up to British Columbia when I
was in Seattle.
It happened that I went shortly after 9/11, and things
at the borders had really changed. In fact, I never owned a passport.
I've seen many of our states, had many vacation from those with my
parents, to those that I took my kids on, to those I've been with
someone else, and then even by myself, to Austin TX, to Lancaster CA, to
Phoenix AZ, been snow skiing, and have had many great experiences, even
though I also "missed out" on many, that for one reason or the other,
life turned me a new direction, thus I did something else, other than
what I "thought I would".... at 57 years old, and suffering from several
chronic and severe illnesses and pain, it makes it more difficult that
when I was younger and in better health to jump up and spend a weekend
in San Antonio, or go to Dallas dancing, or just for a night out on the
I still have "some of those dreams" on a list, I don't really
like the term "bucket list"... for some reason that just does not sound
correct to me... but I have come to see that life is a challenge and
LIFE FLIES BY TOO QUICKLY, you blink and you are in college, and you
blink again, and you are over 50... pondering over where the time went,
and why you did or didn't do some of the things you did. I've had many
people over the years ask me how I "withstand" the illnesses and pain...
well "faith" and "hope" along with what little bit of family I have,
along with my "fur babies" keep me trudging forward even when i feel
like throwing in the towel. So, tell everyone you love, that you love
them, every chance you get, never take one moment for "granted" for the
next one may not be there, never pass up an opportunity, if you can, to
do something you have always wanted to do, be kind to those around you,
be courteous to the elderly, those who are suffering, and even if you
don't "give financially" giving FROM THE HEART, and with NO
expectations, other than it made you feel good to do something... for
coming from the heart and soul, is truly blessing someone else. I sit
here today, alone, well Peanut is here, but no other "human" - and I do
get lonely, I do at times feel that I've "failed" at marriage more than
once. But, in my heart of hearts, i do cherish the "love" I've had, have
and maybe someday have again.... Thanks to each and everyone of you,
that give me a "lift" when this life seems to "weigh me down".... for
you are a true blessing yourself....
It was such an awesome day yesterday! Shorts on outside, even did some "mowing" in the back yard with my weed eater! LOL! Yes, the darned WEEDS are so tall, there was no way to get a mower through them, so I had my cordless weed eater out there trying to get them down enough, so I can mow them, plus see how many fire ants are there. I had a bed a discovered in and around one of my front trees and it was "hidden". The other day I found it and it was almost knee high within that tree!!! So since I've been trying to take Peanut out to walk him, and getting things ready for the new puppy (who will be grown by the time I get over doctors appts and be able to pick him up)... after the battle with either shingles or something "biting" me... I have yet to figure out the welts on my arm, on the left arm and a few down my left side... just weird. I had windows open and it was amazing! Then I go out late last night, it was thundering really closely, close enough I even shut down my computer, and it was almost "cold"... we had a front come through and I did not realize it was going to get the chilly outside. So, I am closing windows, and this morning wrapped up in my robe again, and Peanut and I were on the sofa all wrapped up and too cool to even get up -
I finally got up and warmed up some coffee, and it is just cloudy, damp, almost misting rain and darned cold outside. I just put out one of my huge plants, my fern yesterday because it was hating being inside, and I am in fear the darned thing was going to die, if I didn't get it outside on the porch. So, I heave it outside, but it will be fine. It looks like this is just a "fluke" as far as "cold" and we are going to warm back up... but it sucks... I HATE THE TIME CHANGE! I wished they WOULD LEAVE IT ONE WAY OR THE OTHER!!! It always messes my entire "internal" clock up and takes me two weeks to really get adjusted to the change. I know for some it does not bother them, but it really messes with me. I thought it was Sunday at 1st yesterday as I had posted LOL.. so then I did change my clocks last night, but I didn't sleep at all. I woke up every half hour it seemed, from having nightmares and stupid dreams... I hate nights like that. I had been doing so much yesterday inside and outside, I think I was almost too tired.... so that probably contributed to my not being able to sleep very well.
I am so tickled at Peanut, he would not even eat "breakfast" with me... he went and got back on the sofa under the blanket and went back to sleep. He is getting pretty good about walking on the leash outside, if I can keep him from "eating" every weed or rock he sees! He is so bad like a toddler about everything on the floor or ground he thinks he should put in his mouth. It worries the heck out of me, especially since I've been putting out weed killer in places and putting out the granules for ticks, fleas, and other creepy, crawly things that shall be coming soon.... anyway, I go back to my Orthopedic surgeon tomorrow for my recheck on my hip. My pain pump is refilled and he upped my meds,
I think I told all of you, and hopefully I will be able to get my neck surgery scheduled soon. I have an appt with my heart doctor in a couple of weeks, so she will have to sign off on the surgery also. My Orthopedic surgeon who does my spinal surgery is PICKY AND A STICKLER for me having all of my doctors say it is OKAY, and I have to have a chest Xray, a current EKG and such, before he will do the surgery, which is a good thing, just a pain in the butt to get all of it done, right at the time before surgery.... anyway, hope all is well with you in your corner of the world. I am probably going to be back on the sofa with Peanut covered up part of the day LOL! cold for me also and I am tired I guess from everything I've done over the past few days....
WEGO Bloggers Challenge Day * 2016 - "I Think I Can OR "I know I Can?"
I "think" I can get over the "hump" of losing my Mom so suddenly, and find a renewed life ahead of me - I need to give myself more time.
I think I can get my home fixed up and it be everything I want it to be.
I think I can get back into my writing and blogging, and make my 3rd BOOK a "Best Seller".
I think I can finally face my cervical neck surgery, and my lumbar surgery and they will relieve more of my pain.
I think I can walk through this life, even with all of the medical issues that surround me, and continue to find people that care about me, I think I can find new friends, and move past all of the loss, of not just Mom, but the loss of a relationship, find understanding, the loss of my dear Tazzy, my Pug, who I still miss daily, and move past the emotional pain that continues to dwell within and make me feel as if all I've seen in life is loss.
I think I can do MUCH of the "renovations" to my home, myself, and then "face the facts" there are some things now, my body no longer will allow me to do.
I think I can become a much better activist, advocate, volunteer and "voice" for those who suffer from such horrendous chronic illnesses and pain.
I think I can live my life alone, with my pups, and find the place where I no longer feel "alone or abandoned".
I think I can continue to make great decisions about my future, and continue the path of knowing more about medical research, chronic ailments, and give others hope through my own research and going through what I have been through.
"I Know I Can!"
I KNOW I can go back to Washington DC one day, and give Congress once again my own life's issues with chronic illness, chronic pain, and how many of us suffer horrendously, and make A DIFFERENCE!
I know I can find more time to write, to work on my painting, my quilting, my gardening, and be able to get on the path, of feeling good about myself again.
I know I can LOVE, my Kids, Grand kids, and family even more every day. I know I can show them that they are my entire world.
I know I can get these two pups to QUIT peeing in the floor when they are upset with me!
I KNOW I can continue to make this journey through life by myself, take care of myself physically, mentally and emotionally, and gain more insight to myself in the process.
I KNOW I CAN STOP having HORRIBLE NIGHT TERRORS!
I know that although sometimes others do not say it, they are proud of my "charity" works, and I will learn that I DO NOT have to have a pat on the back from anyone else but myself.
I KNOW I CAN GET THE HECK WELL! I AM SICK AGAIN!
I know I now can face my own "day of reckoning" when that time comes, whether soon, or decades from now, and I am NOT frightened.
Well I did have one contractor come over yesterday afternoon, and I got tickled - he was impressed how much work I have already done! I told him I would continue to do what I can, what my body and hands allow me to, and that way when they get where they can come, they can do the larger things like the railings, and the fence... and later side that garage and put a new door on it. I am in a mood I guess I cannot describe.... I have not really been here very much, it seems all I do is run, run and run... I had to take a huge amount of shred stuff to Waxahachie yesterday, so I drove the Elantra to get those miles on it so the computer will register correctly for the inspection. Then I went into Lowe's, bought a couple of "toggle" switches, I really want to use those in that house also... and then some plates for the outlets, again several need the updated outlets in them... I looked at flooring, the laid linoleum... even though I would love to do something else, with the pups, I think I am going to have to stay with that, and actually the one I like is a "standard" at Lowe's... plus they would even lay it very reasonably, if so happen something went awry and my contractor could not do it... I FOUND MY GLITTER FOR THE PAINT! I knew they would have it! I had to search and search, then finally asked two people and one lady knew exactly where it was (which was in a very stupid spot if anyone wanted to find it).... I priced fencing, and I did 5 5 pieces of chair railing... that should be enough to finish the living room! So, a few touch ups with the paint, and putting those up.... I have a new door knob for the front closet... that stupid thing broke about a month ago, and there was no way to get into the front closet, I beat on it, I pried on it, I even took the pins out of the door, and I thought I would never get it open... so finally when the plumbers came, they thought they may need to get in there, and they were able (with a great deal of elbow grease) to get it open finally... of course between myself and them we destroyed that door knob... NEVER in my life, have I seen an "inside knob" that damned sturdy.... I never thought I would get it out... so I bought one with the plates and a glass knob on it... I wanted to do that in this house to all of the closets and never got around to it... and on Amazon I can get the whole thing for about 14.00 including the back plate... so I am going to put that up after I get that closet painted... those closets have NOT been painted since we moved in which was about 1964 or so! Dad painted and did everything else, BUT not the closets, they are horrible! So, paint that is left over, that is okay colors I am going to use in the closets.... anyway, I still have lots to go... I am having him build me, kind of like a cedar platform off the front porch, so it will be large enough to hold my inside plants when I put them out during the spring and summer months.... the porch... OMG those rails were so rotten... I took all of them down myself earlier this week. I only like one post, that the concrete bolts had paint on them so I had to WD 40 them and now I can get those loose also.... I hope between me working until the other guy can come, I will have him paint the ceilings also... no way I can do that... and finish up the stuff I cannot do... I will be moving in by the end of October, first of November... I hope... depends on my own health, the weather, how quickly he can come and get on it... like I told him the garage siding can wait for a bit... mainly the fence, finishing up the painting inside, and I've found a kit I maybe able to help the inside of that damned old tub look better... I am going to order one and try it... it is hideous, but having someone come and redo the porcelain on it would be thousands of dollars... I still want to break that sucker into pieces, get rid of it and put a walk in shower in there... but I know the work trying to take a sledge hammer or a saw to that tub and cut it out of there, it takes lots of work...... Anyway, again I am in a "funky" frame of mind right now... I thought moving over there would be what I wanted, especially after the remodel, now I wonder if that is a good decision, but I cannot do the work this house needs... I cannot roof it, and could paint it outside, but only so much, and it just needs someone who can do the things it needs themselves... a time ago, I could have done it all but the roof! LOL! but that was when I was in my 20's and 30's..... I have painted an entire house outside more than once for sure.... but at my age and with my health issues, my body is already mad at me... my right hand keeps swelling up, and my right ankle is still not all the way well.. and my neck NEEDS SURGERY! I was so hoping to get that done before the end of the year... once again I face whether to keep my insurance or go back to another, and that is coming up soon...more stuff that needs to be done! Rhia
I know some of us question if we SHOULD or SHOULD NOT get these vaccines....I get mine, and I also got my new Pneumonia vaccine, because it provides coverage for hopefully 23 types or pneumonia - the 1st day after I had them both (in the same arm due to my right shoulder being completely replaced, so my muscles are not very big on that arm) my arm itched and felt like it was burning. BUT, the next day, all of that stopped, and my arm is sore, but it does many of us that way.
My pharmacist as well as my Rheumatologist recommended I get BOTH! Although we with chronic illnesses may not get "as much protection" as those without chronic illnesses, we still get SOME... since I have had "double pneumonia" at least 2 times in the past year or so, and then twice before, I decided I had better at least try and give myself a bit more immunity if possible.
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I never thought I would ever see the day, I could fit in these jeans again. I have had them for more years than I care to tell, something like 20 at least - and after I was diagnosed with Lupus, RA, Sjogrens, had all of the surgeries, and then the pain pump put in my right side, I honestly never thought I would be able to wear these, or any waist line high type of jeans... thank goodness I have always been a huge fan of low rise jeans, they fit under the pump... but recently I lost some weight and decided to drag these out of the back closet, wash them and give them a try! And Ta-DA! By heck they fit!!!!!
So, for me this was a Kodak Moment... after going through the weigh issues after medications, surgeries, and I would take some of it off, then have surgery again, could not exercise etc.... or would have to be on high doses of corticosteroids for a flare, and here would come the weight on again.. I have been able for the most part to keep it to a decent level, but it was still depressing for one, to have issues that you have no control over that cause weight gain, loss of teeth, hair thinning, skin discoloration, not including the scars from many surgeries, knee replacements, shoulder replacement, the pain pump incision and also it sticking out from my right side.. so this was a moment for me, that made my day, week, month and part of the year!
I SHARE these with you... in a two part scenario, for me, for one, so I can see that I can still have some what of a decent figure, even though all I have endured... and then of course with my age, etc that contributes to some weight issues, plus I had battled my weight all my entire life after being an overweight teenager... So I made these this morning, for a 2nd part to INSPIRE ALL OF YOU TO KNOW YES there are times we look and feel like HELL! But then there are times like today for me, THAT I WAS ELATED TO KNOW that I could still put these on, and love the way they looked on me ) So remember to record these types of milestones in your own life... and share them to inspire others...
At this moment my Mother does not know just how upset I am with her.
But, I totally intend to tell her today! After she had the issues with
her stomach, and some intestinal issues, she lost some weight, because
she just would NOT eat! I mean she went for DAYS and would barely eat or
drink anything! I took Ensure over there, took everything I could think
of, suggested everything I could possibly suggest, and finally took her
to our PCP who put her on medication to "increase" her appetite, and
some new medication they are using for chronic constipation, especially
from certain medications. She has a lumbar spine issue, and had been on
NSAID's. That has been going on for months, and the pain specialist even
gave her Norco to take every 6 hours when needed. Which at first she
refused to take, until the NSAID"S caused kidney output issues, that
sent her to a Nephrologist, who took her off NSAID's (which our PCP has
already done) and cut back her Lasix some temporarily until she had a
kidney sonogram, which has been done last week, and more blood work on
Monday next week. Then she follows up with him the first week in
December. I feel things will return to normal. I feel it was the generic
Celebrex that caused the issues, and now her kidney functions should be
fine. But, he made the mistake of coming out and telling her she maybe
facing Level 4 "kidney output" which means one step away from
dialysis... I had told this before, and how I reprimanded him for even
mentioning that word to her before he even knew WHAT was causing the
problem, and before he even read the chart from our PCP etc... I was so
mad at him... but MOM will NOT ask questions, she will not speak, she
just sits there, listens, and then leaves not understanding a word...
and having 15 questions, she never asked, and expects ME to figure it
out, explain it, and then even at that she is so totally confused, she
does not even know "if" she takes her meds now, or "if" she is taking
the proper meds at the right dose. I cannot say enough that I have
explained, I have a typed out list, of what she takes, when, how much,
what it is for, and which doc prescribed it, and she still cannot get it
right... she blames the pharmacy but she goes in, takes her "bottles"
rather than calling them in BEFORE SHE GOES... and expects them to have
them ready immediately even if she has NO REFILLS! Then she gets mad
when they cannot get them okayed by the doc right then! I have talked
till I am blue in the face, and nothing goes into her thick skull. I
spend more time going over there to explain medications, that she cannot
get straight... and she will do NOTHING for herself anymore. She won't
leave the house for days and days and days, because it's cold, well it
is winter! And mu body hates cold weather, and I hurt, am stiff, without
my pain pump, with two HOLES in my legs, and I have to MAKE myself, but
I get up and move, rather than lay in bed and mope! I even had the
doctor put her on antidepressants, she is so totally depressed, and she
decided her "breathing" was not right. So, she went in to her
cardiologist, that told her the leaky valve was in such good shape now,
that she can't even "hear" the leak! She also told her the shortness of
breath, the weakness, the stiffness and pain is from having stomach
issues, losing weight and muscle too quickly, not eating, and then now
not exercising, walking, or something to improve her muscle tone,
especially in her thighs... that is why she stays cold all the time, why
she feels weak, and walks "slumped over forward"... and she just walks
now "shuffling her feet" like she is almost what I see in people with
very bad Alzheimer's.... So, Wednesday around noon or so, and had just
gotten out of the shower, and my phone rings... my hair was not even dry
yet, and she is "mad" again... she let the car sit there for well over a
week, and did not even start it and let it run, so the battery was down
AGAIN! And she was "out of everything to eat in the house"... so I told
her I would finish getting ready, bring the battery charger over, put
it on trickle charge and let it sit for a day or so, and I would take
her to the store. Well, we get in there, and all she bought was paper
towels, toliet paper and facial tissues! Barely anything to eat, but 3
pieces of "salami" she has sliced, and a small loaf of bread... and some
already made bisquits and sausage to microwave! I was the one that
really did not need much, mainly stuff to clean my dentures, BC powders,
more large bandaid's... but I bought more groceries than she did... I
bought a ham to put in the freezer, and several other food items... and
we got to the front to check out, I looked at her and said, are you now
eating paper towels? I thought you said you had nothing in the house to
eat? Well, I know what she did... she decided NOT to buy what she really
needed, because she was upset over the car not starting, and decided
she would not buy all of what she needed at the time... which was
totally stupid... here she was, did not even have to carry any of it
in... I could help her, and griped the entire time about how heavy a 2
liter coke was, and how everything is too heavy to carry in... it took
me only 5 years to finally convince her to use the reusable grocery
bags... that are so much easier, hold stuff better, with handles, and
you don't have 50 tiny plastic bags that hold nothing to try and deal
with... anyway, I had already TOLD her at least FIVE TIMES that I had
the appointment yesterday, in Duncanville, with the wound care
specialist... and even though I had some idea what they would do, as far
as debriding the abscesses... I was not totally sure, and had no clue
how long I would be there etc... I never "asked" her to go, but she knew
it was a new doctor, something I had never been through before, up in
the Dallas area... etc... so even when I left her house Wed. afternoon
again I reminded her of the appt the next day at 1PM in Duncanville... I
could tell she was NOT going to offer to go... hell she did not even
want to go to the grocery store, so I knew her not saying anything was
her way of saying I don't want to go with you... but I called her about
11:30 yesterday morning. I was leaving at noon... to tell her I was
leaving, and it maybe later that evening before I could take the charger
off the car, or even today, Friday before I would get over... well,
when I called SHE WAS STILL IN BED!!!! Again for over a week, she stays
in bed until almost NOON! She never did that before! She was always up
fairly early, may lay back down for a bit if it was too early, but she
would get up, bake, do things around the house, and so forth.. she may
sit for a time, but she was usually up and about for at least part of
the day... now all she does it stay in bed and gripe because her back
hurts so bad.. but will not take the pain meds as she can to help with
the pain, and then will admit if she "gets up and stirs" around the pain
is "better".... but yet, she was still in the bed after 11:30 in the
morning... and then had the nerve to tell me, SHE DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE
APPT. she "thought" I was going back to the "surgeon" in Waxahachie!!!!
She knew that was NOT true! I had told her when my PCP wanted me to go,
what I was going to do and see, a wound care specialist, and she had
been told numerous times it meant going to Dallas... so then I don't get
home until after 4 yesterday afternoon... so I change, say hello to
Bub's, and get things back in order and then call her to tell her, I was
not going to mess with the battery thing until today... it was late, I
was totally exhausted, and she did not need the car yesterday afternoon
anyway... and again, she said, I think I have been "out of it"... I did
not know you were going to Dallas, to this specialist... and I said YES,
you are out of it, and YOU DID KNOW, because I told you a half dozen
times, including Wednesday afternoon, again... that I had to go the next
day and be there at 1PM.. and it was in Duncanville... and then she
said something about sleeping so much, and again I told her that she is
suffering from "disuse syndrome" and that staying in the bed and NOT
DOING as her doctors have told her only makes her more weak, feel more
pain, and worse health wise and mental wise... and then she said, "well I
have nothing to do"... BULL, she is always able to find something to do
around the house, she could have been up, dressed and went with me, and
at least got out of the house, rather than sleep till noon, and then
gripe because she is cooped up, cold, and weak, and in pain.... anyway, I
just bit my tongue on the phone, but I totally intend on giving her a
good talking to today when I go over... this is totally stupid... to all
of a sudden lay down and decide to just give up and wallow around in
your own self pity... anyway, I guess I should not post this here, but I
am sick of her playing me and I spend more time messing with her stuff,
and don't think I resent it, I moved back here to "help her".., BUT not
everything... not all that she suddenly has decided she can't do... I
already do enough almost daily for her, and the rest (she even decided
it is too much trouble to go to church)... my Grandmother went to church
everyday, without fail with her sister... so going to Mass on Sunday
morning, certainly is not something she can't do anymore... that is just
an excuse... okay... well enough griping and being disgusted with her
attitude... I have my own stuff to do... I still have to try and see
about this bracket on the ceiling fan, along with a billion other things
I need to do... more later guys and gals....
More on Mom, pain, and wondering if I am LOSING MY MIND! I saw it again yesterday... I "told her" 3 times about
blood work she needs to have done "Monday"... and when I got up to
leave, she said, I can go by myself "tomorrow" to have the blood work
done... and we had JUST discussed it was "Friday"! I turned to her ad
said, well if you think they are open on Saturday, I guess that would be
fine.. and then I said "Mom, you can't even keep up with the days of
the week, or what time it is, I am not sure you can go to have lab work
done yourself... besides I had JUST ALSO TOLD HER that I had the ORDERS
for it! Sometimes it is so frustrating also... because I just feel like I
repeat and repeat and remind, and she still just does NOT get it. I
walked in yesterday, and she was "looking" for something. I asked her
what she was looking for, and she said you know the "stuff" for... and
began to make a "circle" with her fingers... I said the "Meclazine" for
vertigo... and she said yes, and I thought I had a whole new bottle.. I
looked up and it was sitting on the kitchen cabinet... and I pointed and
said hey, there it is right there... and she said I don't recall
putting it there.... I did not know whether to feel badly, or be just
plain mad... honestly... it gets very old... very quickly, and with my
own health issues at this moment, and honestly my PAIN LEVEL EXCEEDS
"10" at this time, and it about 80!!! if that was on the chart...
everything on me hurts today... everything. and my pain meds did not
come in yesterday, which concerns me, because the nurse at my docs
office called Thursday afternoon and said she got them to the
pharmacy... and they usually get those mailed out that same day, unless
she did it very LATE in the day, as she does sometimes I think just to
be an "arse" to put it bluntly.... so hopefully they will be here today,
I will be out of the strongest ones by Monday morning, really Sunday
night.. she always does that too, knowing that they come to me from a
pharmacy in Dallas, she will cut it to the very last moment, and you
pray you don't run out before your new script arrives... it is sometimes
just frustrating... LOL... I guess I am a bit upset over everything
today.... I have SO MUCH to do, and I hurt so badly, everything I try to
do is just so difficult to contend with... my pain level has not been
this bad in a long time, but it is surely making up for it right now...
I know there are "lots" of sayings, what does not "kill" us makes us stronger, when life gives you lemons, make lemonaide.... and so forth but WHEN ENOUGH OF DESPAIR, GRIEF, AND MISERY... ALONG WITH EVERYTHING GOING WRONG... COMES AROUND all of those "sayings" fly the heck out the window.... i was already in enough pain and despair, and now for my pain pump to decide of all times to "stall"... this is just not a good thing at all for me.... I am desperate....
right now is the very WORST time for my pain pump to decide to go
out... and there is no way to "fix" it... once it "stalls" as mine has,
then major surgery and a new one is the only way to take care of the
issue. OF course my pain doctor prescribed a massive dosage of Morphine
Extended Release to try and make up for "some" of the lack of the pain
pump, but there is really no way to give me enough "oral medication" to
take care of all the pain.. I have had a bit of what I might call
"withdrawal" but not so much that as it is severe and almost intractable
pain since it finally completely went out. They basically "stopped" it
on Friday - Medtronic who makes this pump, has reps that help with these
matters... so one of the Reps met me at my pain docs office on Friday
morning, and even though he was in OR, his nurse was able to get hold of
him and they decided to turn the pump to "a minimum" dose which is
basically nothing... once all of the meds finally went through the
catheter that delivers the meds to my spinal canal, then of course the
pain began and yesterday was horrible. I almost did not even find the
morphine... in fact I called here in my home town almost every pharmacy
before leaving Dallas... because I felt I may have problems finding that
high dose of medication in Ennis. But, fortunately one of our
pharmacies did have it... so I came straight home, dropped it off, got
Mom to her house, and picked up the meds.,, I knew I did not have very
long before I would not have any medication in my body, and so it was...
by the time I picked up the script, got home, and settled in, I had to
take a pill, and since then I am alternating between the MS Contin ER
and then my Oxycodone, which is my oral medication I took even with the
pump for times that I had more pain than others... It is very difficult
to take someone who was being given about 11mg's right into my spinal
fluid daily of Dilaudid, and try to replace that with "oral
medication"... as I said they really cannot give me enough, not by mouth
.... the pain pump delivers it straight to my spinal fluid, thus I
never had any side effects, no breathing problems, or anything that oral
pain medications cause. Since they do not go through my entire system,
then I take a much smaller amount daily, yet it is much much more
efficient, and without all of the issues that as I said oral meds
cause... I knew that the pump had about a life of 7 to 10 years... and
then it would have to be replaced... the battery life in them is about 8
years average, thus they were puzzled as to why it had a sudden "motor
stall"... it is rare, very rare, but heck whatever is "very rare" I can
know will happen to me, always does.... they even asked me if I had been
around anything electromagnetic, like an MRI, or such because that will
cause it to stall, but no the only thing I went through was at the
court house two times to take paperwork in to the District Clerks office
and went through the metal detector, but that has been now about 2
weeks since my last time, so that should not have caused the problem... I
even stay away from my microwave... I turn it on, then back away...
even though it is not supposed to have any effect on it, I have always
been extremely cautious because of the pump and knowing that certain
things can harm it.... I have been to the docs offices several times
over the last couple of months, with me and my Mom, but still nothing as
far as any type of equipment that should effect the pump... I even
thought since I had been doing lots of stuff here at the house, moving
big plants around and lifting some stuff maybe I did something to it,
but nothing like that would cause the motor to stall... and as far as
the tubing from it to my spine, it was there in the beginning and has
been "grown into " the place now for 5 plus years, so that should not
effect it... I had a couple of chest Xrays but that should not bother it
either.... I had been moving plants around and potting soil... so I
had lifted some things that I probably should not have but that was more
due to my back, and my shoulder replacement, and nothing to do with the
pump... and why now.... who knows??? as I said this is the very worst
time for this to happen... I have Mom and her problems and she has a
couple of doc appts but both fortunately are here in town, so even if I
can't go she can go by herself... she would not understand anything they
say probably... but that I can find out so I am not all the concerned
about that... but then there is the issue of the "court hearing" if the
truck driver that ran over my soon to be ex-husband that now they still
have not offered a settlement... so if that does not happen this week
basically that means a jury trial that may last a week or more and that
means a trip to Dallas every day for me.... and if I have surgery, there
is no way my doctor will allow me to even "ride" to Dallas and sit in a
court room, much less drive myself... and this needs to be done ASAP -
as soon as the insurance gives the okay, the pump surgery needs to be
done.... which hopefully will be this week sometimes.... I have all of
the divorce paperwork done and the court date for that is not until Jan
4th, so that is not a problem... thank goodness I did get the papers all
done and filed.... anyway, I was in the middle of trying to adopt a new
puppy also, and now I thought Mom's stuff would make me postpone that
but now, until I have this surgery, I have to postpone getting a new
puppy, and will probably have to have my dog sitter to come over and
check on Bub's.... I maybe in the hospital 2 days and a night... and
should be home after that... but I will be sore and tired for a few days
once that is done.... anyway, it is all just a horrible mess right
now... and honestly I don't know which way to turn... I had to miss
church this morning, but I am in so much pain, there was just no way I
could get dressed to go... plus the weather here is horrible, cooler,
still raining, and even though we did not have as much flooding, some of
our roads are still flooded in places, and you have to watch where you
drive.... anyway, I have not even felt like getting into the shower and I
have to do that, but I thought I would wait until a bit later in the
afternoon, and when I have enough of my pain meds in me, then I can get
in the shower and I am sure the warm water will help some of this
pain... I have discovered one thing..... again not good... MY LOWER
lumbar spine does need surgery.... after the pump meds began to wear
off, my lower lumbar spine/sacral is causing me so much pain, almost
more than anywhere else... so now I know why at times even with all of
the meds I've had problems there... I had been told I needed at least a
one level surgery there, but I know that does now need to be
addressed.... it is effecting even my legs badly, the pain down both of
them is terrible.... so again not a good thing... but it does tell the
story of what problem I am having with my lower spine that effect my
hips and my legs.... Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers... I
cannot really sit here much, so I have not been online other than now,
and earlier to post at first what was going on... I need all the prayers
I can get right now... I don't even know who will get me to have the
surgery, then drive me home afterwards.... so there are many "little"
things that are "big things" with all of this....