Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Life's Realm of Disdain When you are Chronically Ill

I had a really rough day yesterday. It was just one of those that I really first of all had way too many things to do, and not enough time to do them. PLus I am in a slump over the entire book situation. I am sad that no one has bothered to even go there and give me a "Like". At least I thought my friends would go and read a few of my poems and do that. I am not talking about buying the book, but you can now read a few of them, and make your decision from those. Thus maybe many have read them, and they do NOT like them. So, no "thumbs up" I am also very tore up over what I feel is the way I look and I think I have gained way too much weight. And telling me it is meds does not cut it. I watch what I eat to the "Nth" degree. I exercise everyday religiously. I do not eat a bunch of stuff between meals, and still when I look in the mirror I see it on me. It seems it shifted from one place to my butt to be honest. I went to try on a pair of "skinny jeans", and my butt looked like one of those "shelf" butts as I call them. I cannot explain after so many years of having to watch every bite, exercise avidly, then get diagnosed with these horrible diseases that cause you to have to take medications that change your body sometimes horribly. I am not saying I have put on tens and tens of pounds. But, I have put on enough as far as I am concerned that it is noticeable. Then I cannot seem to get into the "rhythm" of Xmas and the holidays. I don't even have my tree and lights up. I haven't done my decorations for the cemetery for Dad and my Grand Parents graves. I have not even written my "annual Xmas letter" or for sure even know what the hell we are doing for Xmas. I just feel I am behind on everything, and even though I am running and running, doing and doing, it is just not enough. Everything takes me 3 times as long to do, even getting my own self dressed. Now I have a dentist appt that I must go. I have a tooth in the very front that is "sluffing" off on one corner. I never would deal with that tooth being really messed up. I feel badly enough about the way my appearance is now. I now have had to kind of put my entire "book" on hold. I wanted to get the articles in the paper, etc. while it is new! The longer I wait, the less exciting it will be and will be kind of like "old news" before it even gets there. I need to run here there and yonder again today. I am exhausted already and the day has not even begun. Everything is important so it is not like I can "not do" this or that. It all needs to be done... and that does not even include re-potting some plants, doing the regular housework, and all of the daily stuff that also goes along with a home, a house, and keeping up with it all.  I am really just beaten and broken down emotionally right now. I am also upset over what I feel is a friend, that has "used" me, and won't admit it. They are and have been, and I think they know they have... anyway, I am extremely upset over that also... then my Grand son and it is the youngest one who is only 3 is very ill. His asthma has quickly turned into being so serious that he may have to be hospitalized today. I am up here 7 hours away plus and feel just horrible and guilty that I can't be closer or there to help my daughter. She is tired, fearful, and really needs a break. Plus my Grand son is going through his own hell, with all of the medications, being sick, can't sleep etc... which is horrible for any child, especially one that young... So, all of it is just piling up and it is weighing my entire entity down.... Just wanted to share in case I seem quiet, or I am not here as much.

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