When you are backed against a Wall - Where do you Turn? Right now I feel "Green" because of these HOLES in both thighs... sick and tired of being sick and tired.. Music, Brooks and Dunn & More...

I almost had to laugh - I come here every day just about and see the same "line" - "What do you want to talk about or what is on your mind today?" What mind? I lost that years ago..... and I am saying "How Long Gone Are You Gonna Be?" - that is my mind... and I won't be as explicit as I feel as this moment, but others have "heard" me say "bat #$@! crazy!" yes, that explains me.... to a tee... speaking of a "tee" - hell I even lost the one person that wanted to teach me to "play golf"... not that I was all that excited, but back then I was excited any time I was asked to do anything... I know some a probably wondering why all of the "lyrics"? - Guess what??? I am ONE Helluva MUSIC Lover! - You name it, from scootin' a boot, to Rap, to Blues, to the 70's, 80's, and "Classic Rock" - as long as it is not some Mozart or such, I have always loved music... most of my life, if I was not on a dance floor, then I was home dancing, as I cleaned house, or did my college work, or bought groceries, and you can take the "girl" out of the country, but you never can take the "Country" out of the girl - Ah, yes Brooks and Dunn... LOTS of reasons for them.... LOTS of awesome memories, plus they are, were and will be always the best, well there is George Strait, Kenney Chesney, & the entire entourage' of great Country musicians.... okay, well honestly, I feel like HELL, and I mean that in every way I could possibly mean, I feel like I want to throw up, die, faint, walk out the door, and never return, ah, but, try to walk even out the front door with TWO HUGE FREAKING INCISIONS in each thigh!!!! After the "lidocaine" wore off last night, not even morphine does much good.... and of course no pain pump, thus that makes it even worse..... right now, I cannot see "past" the tears, the heart break, the "lost opportunities", the times I should have LISTENED to my heart, rather than my "head" or Dad, whichever one came usually first... I have missed OUT on a great deal of "life" - and now as physically messed up as I am, some of those opportunities are never to be... shall I dance again? Well, if I can get my thighs well, yes... will I play the drums again, or the key board... I can... and probably some where down the line I will... right now NOTHING and I mean NOTHING seems "possible"... yes I did say that correctly, I feel as if every "possibility" is "Way Gone"... so, NEVER take a moment of life for granted, NEVER think next week or tomorrow.... never set in a mediocre spot in life, putting off what you SHOULD do... because within a breaths space, it can be "Way Gone"...... Here you go - You want something to truly put things in perspective:

Brooks and Dunn


"When Love Dies"
Love conquers all and someday it'll conquer you
There's nothing finer than falling all in it
When love is true
But once it goes out and breaks your heart
It still ain't history
When love dies it don't rest in peace
You can lock your doors and windows
To keep the pain at bay
Yesterday may be dead and gone
But the past wont go away
Its waiting right around every corner
With a heartache you don't need
When love dies it don't rest in peace
Oh when love dies
You cant bury those memories
Oh when love dies
It disappears but it never leaves
When love dies it don't rest in peace
How does love die then come back
A ghost rattling chains
It keeps on haunting my broken heart
Driving me insane
I hear it whisper my name in the night
Just like it still lives and breathes
When love dies it don't rest in peace
Oh when love dies
You cant bury those memories
Oh when love dies
It disappears but it never leaves
When love dies it don't rest in peace
Brooks and Dunn -


One more - my all time favorite one of their very first huge hits - then I have to muster enough moments on this computer to pay bills - and if I can get that done, then I am headed BACK to the sofa, to "Wish Upon A Star" -
"That Ain't No Way To Go"
Lipstick letters across the mirror this morning
Said, "Goodbye, baby." You left with no warning
Like a thief in the night, you ran away with my heart
I can't believe my eyes, must be a bad dream
You always said we had a good thing
You never once let on we were falling apart

That ain't no way to go. Girl, it just ain't right
Don't you think that I deserve to hear you say goodbye
That ain't no way to go. Was it all a lie
After all this time, that ain't no way to go
Getting nowhere, I'm tired of thinking
Guess I'll do a little wishful dreaming
And make a whiskey wish upon a star
Train whistle blowing down the tracks
Lonesome sound says she ain't coming back
It's such a cold blow from out of the dark
That ain't no way to go. Girl, it just ain't right
Don't you think that I deserve to hear you say goodbye
That ain't no way to go. Was it all a lie
After all this time, that ain't no way to go
Brooks and Dunn....

Another Update - Pain Pump "motor stall" again this AM, a;long with BOTH left and right lumps appear to be abscesses - AI. Lupus, Sjogren's, horrible weather and also HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL!

Well, Of course with me "anything" is possible or impossible... I now have what appears to be the left lump Re-infected and I am on antibiotics and an appt on Monday to incise the right one, which my thoughts are that he also "opens up" the first one also... AND if he feels they are "deep" enough, then he will probably do it over at the Surgery Center (Outpatient) and fortunately it is here in Ennis.... and then almost at the exact same time, but Thursday and this time Friday. my internal pain pump has a "motor stall"..... yes again, and I was lucky enough that the Medtronic Rep was kind enough in this horrible weather, to meet me here in Ennis at the Hospital.... thus we got it done in the lobby, and I am so pleased they have went out of their way to help me.... but I face "surgery" now to replace the pump - BUT that can't be done until these "abscesses" are under control - no way no how will they take a chance if I have an active infection going... so pray these things heal quickly.... I want to wish everyone a very SPOOKY HAPPY AND CANDY FILLED HALLOWEEN! I just hope it stops raining long enough for the kids to have fun.... I know lots of the churches will be having them inside, so the kids are not in the weather.... I am totally wiped out... I wanted to get SO MUCH MORE done today, but I think I am losing steam quickly and am headed to the sofa to watch a movie with Bub's - it is "our time" together to do that if possible....

The GOOD news is Mom's "leaky" valve is NOT why she is getting out of breath easier lately... it is due to her being so ill, losing her not just fat, but lots of muscle... so she "beefed" up or rather told her she has to get a great deal more protein in her diet AND start doing some exercises... I am taking a small 2 pound weight to her and some of the "bands" that she can attach to a chair leg etc and exercise her thighs like that... but Lord prayers answered, her heart actually sounded BETTER smile emoticon BUT of course, now I face having to have this right "lump" cut open... it is abscessing... so I see the surgeon next week... and heck the other one is not well yet completely.... when does it ever end........

My Granddaughter Turns 18 Years Old today!!!! I am so totally proud of her!

 And of Course Happy Halloween to all of the little ghosts and goblins, and those Adults that are having parties have a great celebration and be safe!

Just adding in a bit more of the above...

Well, as it stands now, the Medtronic rep, Michael, met me yesterday at the hospital here in Ennis. Due to the horrible weather I had told my pain doctors nurse there was no way, I could drive in the downpour to Dallas
yesterday. So he did meet me about 1PM or so, and he turned the pump basically down to "minimum flow" like they did last week, so I can take my oral meds and not hear that "beeping" from my side every 10 minutes.... as I almost knew this means surgery and a new pump... but it has to be approved through the insurance and so on.... BUT there are the two "lumps" both of which are abscesses, and the right one appears like it could burst open itself at any time, and it hurts like heck, especially even if I lightly brush across it with my hand.... the other one, seems a bit "better" but it also has abscessed and I am not sure what he will do... whether he will try to open it up again, as before or allow the antibiotics to try and work, probably both... and at first I thought this 2nd one on my right thigh was "smaller" but as it has become abscessed, it appears to possibly be larger and deeper than the first one... So this may call for him actually bringing me over to the surgery center and putting me to sleep in incise these both. I feel as if I am "repeating" myself here but honestly, it seems every moment something happens or changes, so I keep trying to update things, for I know some of you want to know what is happening..... Right now, I am hoping that this right one does not "burst" before Monday.... This all could not come at a worse time... for many reasons, one of which there is a possibility that the "trial" from the wreck in March 2014, may start next week. At this moment, there is no way I can go... my doctors have already cautioned me, and really prefer that I stay out of the public, since now I am even more suseptable to "more infections", and they also really prefer that I am more "off" the legs, and somewhere at home, where I can be careful NOT to either burst this right one open before I get to the doctor's office and honestly with my pain pump now basically turned to "nothing", the oral medications as strong as they are, do not really do nearly as much good as my pump.... which makes sense..... so I am not physically, nor mentally up to making a trip back and forth to Dallas, to sit in a court room at this moment - There is no way that any amount of $$ is worth me risking my life for.... I know that is a difficult thing to say, but at this moment, I would be risking me being much more ill, if I had to run back and forth for several days... I just cannot do it at this time.... as I told them once I see the surgeon on Monday afternoon, and see what he has to say, then I may know more, but frankly I do not intend on leaving the house at all if I don't have to... and I hoped to be able to go to church Sunday, but I also know that I may wake up and not feel well at all.... between the strong antibiotics and then not being well, my stomach can also give me issues... so even that I am not sure of..... again I appreciate all of your concern

More on the "Abscess, Cellulitis, autoimmune complications, does our water contain something making us sick, Biologicals, stomach upsets, RA, Lupus and when do it EVER END???!

Thanks Denise Tekell and Yes Nancy Hershelman Gipson this "thing" that began as a lump on my thigh has turned into yet another one of my difficult situations, that sometimes even the doctors are not sure the "why", when or how of it all. What makes it worse is that I have not really said much to the doctors that is, about the "lump" on the other thigh... I cannot fathom how I would have "two" abscesses, in almost the same location, yet one on each thigh... unless as I had suspected, it has something to do with my biologic Orencia injections. I take them at just about where these lumps originated. So, some where I have this gut feeling, those needles from that batch of Orencia, were contaminated... I "thought" originally that this one that now has turned into an abscess... I had gotten a very tiny sliver of wood in it. I had a very small kind of gray looking spot come up, that kind of appeared to be like what you see after something such as a splinter gets in to your skin... it seemed to be a tiny bit of trying to get infected... I kept working with it, keeping it clean, and finally I thought got out a very, very tiny almost little sticker out of it. At that time, there was just a very little bit of stuff that was a bit yellow that also came out with it. But, I cleaned it up put Neosporin on it, covered it with a band aid, and in a couple of days, it seemed to close over and be well. It was about 7 days or so before this other "lump" began to form, and it was actually a bit above where that sticker was... not really right on that area. I did not give it much mind, until I noticed not only did the lump get "sore" it was getting larger. By the time I finally decided it needed to be seen about... it was just a lump, no redness or anything visible on the outside of the skin, just the lump that was then about the size of a silver dollar or maybe a bit larger. I went into my PCP, he took one look at it, and knowing my health issues, said it was cellulitis, and he immediately started me on TWO different antibiotics... I found out one for staph and one for strep... which would be the way to do it, especially with my immune system so compromised. ell, I took those for 7 days, and even though it got smaller, it left almost harder, so I called him, and he put me on a 2nd round of the same antibiotics... well 7 days later, the lump did not shrink anymore, plus it began to be sore, to the touch, so I went in that time, he said, of course my immune system still was not able to fight it off enough, so he did one more rounds of the same antibiotics, and said if there was no improvement, he wanted a surgeon to remove that lump and have it tested to see exactly what we were dealing with. Well, I went through hell and back trying to find a surgeon fairly close that took my insurance. I finally did, but he could not see me for like 10 days, and by now the lump began to show OUTER problems, with redness on it, even more sore, and seemed to be almost "swollen" around the lump.. So, that was a week ago last Friday... again I called me PCP told him that now it was showing outward signs of infection, and told him the surgeon would not be able to see him for another week, and I was very concerned... so he put me on one more round of antibiotics until last Friday, when I went to the surgeon. He came in took one look at it, and said it was an "abscess" that needed to be "cut open" to drain, and sure enough, after I almost fainted from the pain of the damned Lidocaine injections to just deaden it, which they hurt and stung like HELL!! Then even with the deadening, I could feel it when he was putting Q-tips inside of that opening to clean out all he could get out... he then proceeded to tell me he was going to "pack" it, and I needed to remove the packing the next day, and at least twice daily remove the bandages, clean it with Q-tips dipped in peroxide and he said I could just put a large band aid on it... on heck no... it is still so sore, I don't dare NOT cover it was gauze pads and medical paper tape... I can have pain with it, just walking, much less if I were to accidentally hit it etc... Of course you saw the photo's I took those yesterday.... and today it almost looks "worse" to be than better... but I really am not sure, so I've been doing exactly as he told me... and it still has a huge hole in there, that is as wide as the top portion of my little finger, and is at least that deep... and the length is almost1 1/2 inches or more... enough that I can get 3 Q-tips or 4 in it at once, and I still almost feel as if I am hitting "bone" at the bottom... I see him Wednesday... to hopefully find out "what" was in it, and maybe why... but also figure out if this other one is the same thing, or something entirely different... Needless to say, between that stupid thing, my Tazz, my Pug has been sick to her stomach, I've had to cut her down to eating a bit of white rice, a bit of yogurt, and drink....and I got sick before going to church yesterday morning and have no cue why... I "felt" fine, I thought, got dressed, did my makeup, had my hair looking okay, and just about 10 minutes before I walked out of the house, it was like my stomach "flipped" 2 or 3 times... and I was running for the bathroom, sick to my stomach, almost got my dress messed up and wound up taking meds for my stomach and staying at home yesterday... in fact I needed to run out quickly, grab some more gauze pads for my leg, and get a "coke" which settles my stomach, and I thought again I was fine, but about the time I was pulling onto my street to get to my house, I almost did not make it.... I ran in and again was sick to my stomach... just insane ... and my Mom has been having the same issues off and on now for weeks too... I've even changed over to bottled purified water for now, thinking it is a bacteria in the water... it can happen this time of year, and in fact there must be something going on with our water... because there was an article in our local paper Saturday, about they were going to do some "testing" and it may have a "bleach type of smell" and for those who put it into medical devices, may want to use bottled water for a few days, like dialysis machines and so forth.... So, now my RA etc is acting up, due to fearing to even attempt to take my Biologic - plus my Rheumy is trying to get me switched over to Xeljanz, so I would not be able to take it and the Orencia... it is just a living hellish nightmare, all ofit....

This is what an "abscess" Looks like on my Thigh! I gather I did have cellulitis and then came the abscess afterward....

Cellulitis? An Abscess? A Boil!!?? What is it, was and what is the difference???

Since I just about "fainted" a few minutes ago, I am making this short... and will give more information either this evening later, or tomorrow. I saw the surgeon yesterday and the "lump" on my leg, after changing from "cellulitis" had actually formed an abscess under the skin. So, he wanted to "open and drain" it... and of course send off some of the infection to find out what caused it. He told me that there was "little"cellulitis left... so I was confused, and came home to read and find the exact differences between an abscess, cellulitis, impetigo, and then you can have an infected hair follicle etc... well, it probably began as "cellulitis" which was infection in the deeper portions of the skin... usually no formation of a "pocket of infection" but an infection spread over an area of the underlying skin. Where the abscess was actually a "pocket" of infection that had to be opened up and drained... Now most of you know I am one tough "cookie" due to the many surgeries, procedures, and so forth I've been through, but this FREAKING HURT!!! When he went in and began to injection the Lidocaine to "numb" the skin, I almost jumped off the table! OMG, it stings anyway, but this was even worse than it going in your upper palate of your mouth for a tooth to be fixed or pulled. It kept jabbing around putting an ass load full of Lidocaine in it, and then of course I was lying down, and he had a drape over my leg, but he "cut" in incision into my thigh. I did not feel much of that, but when he began to go into it with peroxide and Q-tips to clean it out, I wanted again to cry.. Lidocaine or NOT it freaking hurt like hell.... he then "packed" it with gauze and his nurse covered it over with gauze and tape. He asked me if I had someone at home to help clean it out a couple of times a day, and I told him I did not think my pups would be too thrilled - LOL... of course I said I could... yet I still did NOT know the EXTENT of this HOLE in my thigh!!! So, about an hour ago, I knew I had to take the bandages off and clean it out, and then put a band-aid or something to cover it back on....Well, I started to pull all of that gauze off the top and OMG, it was soaked in mess that drained out and blood... then I came to that damned packing... I had to pull that out also... and it was about 25 inches or more LONG.. by the time I got all of it out... also soaked with dry blood and pus that came out of the wound... and then there it is this HUGE HOLE IN MY THIGH!!! It is over 3 inches LONG and about 1 1/2 inches DEEP!!!! Now as I said I am not a cry baby about most stuff... but I had to take Q-Tips and put Peroxide on them and literally go inside of that hole to clean it, and he said to do that at least twice a day!!!! Honestly, I cried while I did it.... So, I do that and he will see me back on Wednesday, and said he should have the results back off the culture... but believe me, I NEVER want to go through this again... and I am not sure even what the heck is up with the lump on the other leg.. I did tell his nurse about it, but he really did not address it, and took care of this one first. I guess time will tell... this other one on my right leg could be nothing, or if it is something then it will certainly show more signs, like getting larger etc.... I thought I would be find one that was done, but believe me... it hurts to even walk on that leg.... so that is my "LABOR DAY" excitement... I hope the rest of the holiday is not like that for sure!!!! When I clean it up later again today, I will try to take a photo of it.... but not sure anyone really wants to see it... I cannot fathom how DEEP and wide it is... just a HOLE, where I guess it "ate away" at the tissues there.... 


http://www.skinsight.com/adult/cellulitis.htm