Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Sharing the Excitement of the Coming Months! (Trying to Ignore the PAIN of these Illnesses - RA, Lupus, Sjogren's, MS, Myasthenia Gravis, Perniscious Anemia and the list grows)

I have been trying my best to "brave" the chill in the air, knowing that means several things. Shorter days, cooler weather, Fall colors and Autumn leaves coming down. Holidays here before we know it, cooking, baking, and the smell of Thanksgiving, pumpkin pies, rolls, wonderful home made quick breads, and spices like cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, and those "pungent" aromatic hints that Winter is here, Christmas, and before we know it,  2014 will be a memory, and 2015 shall be in full swing.

My bones, joints and most of my body HATE the cold, aching, throbbing feelings that are the "bad" stuff following along with the good.

I LOVE to bake! I have always loved to bake anything sweet. From cakes, pies, cookies, cobblers, and the calories that go along with fudge, peanut brittle, and the confections that almost feel like they are going straight to my hips as I just think about them.

Alas, the fight against pain, fatigue, and stress versus the fun of baking, cooking, and the heavenly sweet potatoes, gravy, ham, turkey, stuffing.... and yes it makes me hungry just thinking about it. But l know that I must start early - each year even earlier than the last if I truly want to make all of those goodies, getting them all packed up with bows and in beautiful sacks, boxes or containers to give out to our neighbors. I recall the first year not too long ago when we did it, I had made like 5 different types of quick breads, fudge, fruit cakes, candies and cookies with ribbons and cards tucked away for remembering our neighbors and to bring good cheer to those who surround us with their friendship truly is throughout each year. We have wonderful neighbors. They do some great things for us during the year and we try to reciprocate with the baking and cooking.

It is also getting close to that time we make our "New Years Resolutions"  or more like rather than "resolutions" trying to set "goals" for 2015. Of course after March 26th, 2014, and all that transpired on that one fateful day; as I sat gracefully awaiting Jim to arrive in Washington DC, those words still ring in my head that "your husband has been in a very severe car accident". He was "ran over" by an 18 wheel tractor trailer...

At that very second, I knew that ALL of my "goals" for 2014 just were blew out of the window, thrown in the street, and ran over by a bus... train and then hit by a plane... Of course goals were the very last thing on the agenda once all of that hit.... every and any plans I had made for this year went out the window, bath water, tub, soap, and almost the baby... if you take the old saying to heart. ;)

So, the very last thing I want to do for 2015 is make "grand plans" only to be on the floor again, cleaning up the mess. Lord knows this year has been a ball of twine, rolled and knotted, with no signs of ever getting it ready to crochet a sweater from.

Thus, I with much hesitation begin thinking about my "gifts" for 2015. My hopes are that I do get to put as much of myself into the throws of activism, ambassadorship, volunteer work, and advocacy for all of us. We definitely NEED many, many more "educated" people when it comes to the world of Arthritis "101"!!! As a friend of mine and myself had an email conversation a couple of weeks ago, it continues to overwhelm me just how many people in our world, very well educated at that, do NOT get "ARTHRITIS" & all of our Autoimmune issues.

Many of the specialists we go to that are supposed to BE SPECIALISTS in these fields and have the knowledge to HELP US. YET, many of them are NOT educated, especially on the latest of technology, advancement in medications, & having so many clinical trials that have came into play, BUT we still don't have many of the answers we continue to search for.

I believe as "patients", loved ones, and close friends, we are "drawn like moths to a flame" when it comes to anything we can "throw" at an arthritic illness, autoimmune illness, chronic pain and/or other medical issues. We tend to spend more time researching these new ideas in science.

From a supplement, to an older drug used for malaria, to a brand new biologic making its debut in the news. We have made some head way by turning back the clock, starting over at the beginning of when it first arrived.  I am not sure if I believe in some of the stronger more advanced biologic medications. Some of the side effects that seem to be almost worse than the diseases, illnesses and syndromes themselves.

So, as I am contemplating the things that so far have been "diced, sliced and served up" on my "plate" for 2015, my hope is that I will be able to continue to do those, along with find the place where my "voice" is for my next book. I had made myself a wager, that I would at least complete 75% of the 3rd book by the end of this year. Alas, as I began stating in this post, never will I again allow myself to get so overly thrilled with the idea of finishing the 3rd book that I forget the many factors that can "over throw" your ideas. And if they can, and do... they will.

I pray that I DO get to write that book. It maybe the last one I complete, but I will be always trying to strive to write daily, no matter to be published something once again. Life begins where it wants to... sometimes and then it takes you further and further into the realms of distant waters, surrounding you with ocean waves and not one iota of land in sight. After days and days  the clouds roll away, the thunder and stormy waters return to a calmness, and "Voila'" you are back on the correct path again, with the sun shining on your face.

Cherish those moments.... never let anyone or anything keep you from "your own dance".....

:I will be adding my "list" of things I would love to see me get my "teeth into" firmly.... not as in a vampirical status, but in the place that I can "taste" what I have been put here to do... help others...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     










Sunday, October 12, 2014

PERSONALLY - World Arthritis Day...

Personally, I've not put much up for WAD! I have been so busy wanting to get pertinent information out there from the URL's and so on, that I haven't taken the time to "step up" to the plate and give my own feelings, impressions, and how things are looking for myself and my own issues with Arthritis, both Osteo and RA. My other AI's from Raynaud's to Sjogren's, from Lupus to MCTD, from the upheavel of medications that we are constantly changing to try and find a combination that "works" for me, doctors, new symptoms, how my Medicare Advantage Plan appears to be taking a run for my money next year I fear, to all of the "busi-ness" of life, of the accident of course we are still dealing with, left right and center, to my own personal issues with my writing, and what I want to do at home, versus what my body "thinks" I should do.

My Sjogren's issues are far from over. I still have another at least 6 weeks possibly more, before I am able to really stand to keep them in my mouth all day long, eat with them, and adjust to how they feel. I am learning to
keep them in to eat now, but the bottom plate just does not cooperate as it should. Once those mini implanted pins are set into my bone, that is supposed to stablize the plates, both top and bottom, thus I so hope and pray that is true. I know if this does not do the trick and gets them where they are more comfortable, I may be like my Mom, and have to take them OUT when she eats!!! LOL! I always wondered why when we go out to eat, (she has partial plates not full ones) that she takes both of them out. Now I totally know why she does it. When I eat of course food sticks in them, much like your own teeth BUT, it is not exactly the same. It is much more difficult to get food out of the plates once it gets underneath them and all that packs underneath them. The ONLY way to get it out, is to excuse yourself to the lavatory and clean them out. I would much rather do that though and eat with them in, rather than have them lying on the table as I eat!!! Kind of defeats the entire purpose of having them, and going through all of the trouble, time, pain, and suffering to reach the goal.

The weather is REALLY reeking havoc with many of us. I know here in Central TX we are having a dramatic change in temperature, of humidity even during one day. The humidity might be almost 100% in the morning, and by the afternoon drop to 30 percent. Plus the days are beginning to get "shorter" and I just not am adjusted to the longer days. It really does suck, or at least for myself, it sucks to have yourself in the midst of a change just about the time, your internal clock sets itself.

The Sulfasalazine, which I thought we would be up to 3,000 mg by now. Yet, due to lack of communication between my Rheumatologists nurse, myself and my Rheumatologist had not realized he told me to take 2 of the pills - 1 at a time for the first 14 days. Then begin taking 2 pills at a time, twice daily.  They are 500 mg tablets... so two of them make 1,000 mg a day, then I was to take 1,000 each time and read I could go up to 3 of the pills twice daily, which is usually what an RA patient works up to after a few weeks of the medication. So, 3 at a time would be 1,500 mg and time 2, make 3,000 mg a day. I already know my blood work was okay, because my PCP ran it for my Rheumatologist, and they told me the results when they were faxing it over to the Rheumy.

I am getting quite disenchanted with the biologic medications. First of all, my insurance can't make up its mind which ones it wants to pay for and which not. They used to pay for Humira, Enbrel and Orencia. But, they did NOT pay for Simponi, and when it is an infusion, it is hit and miss as to how and what they pay honestly. I've already tried Rituxan, and the last round, is when I came down so ill with the double pneumonia. Even though I am almost positive the medication only played a small part in the illness, with all that was going on there, my Rheumatologist is not really thrilled about taking a chance again with a biologic that seemed to contribute to me having infections. I show to already be having some chronic lung issues from what the Xrays show from the pneumonia, and it is kind of like an asthmatic chronic COPD thing, although smoking also probably has little to do with it. I smoked a total of about 10 years, and never over 1/2 pack day, most of the time less. I've quit all together, and even though we still have the "e-cigarettes", I am not even really using those. I just am not having any type of "craving" for them. Some days when I am really in horrible pain, and/or really badly stressed out, I may think to myself, damned I wished I had a cigarette, but other than that I could care less. Of course for me, I could go and buy a pack, put them away, and just smoke one when one of those "moments" come... I probably would not even smoke an entire pack in a month, probably more like two months... but if some people have even one, then they have to have it all over again... strange as it sounds its true.... Kind of all an alcoholic or any type of an "addiction" one might have... some people just cannot be satisfied with a tiny bit, and then leave it alone for a long while. Only using that, whatever it may be, only on those horrid days or moments that life feels like it is pulling itself right on over the top of you, and the darkness continues to grow and fill in like a dark black, no way see through ink or pain. 

I've been working on some other "volunteer, activist, advocate, ambassador type of projects", in between all of the doctors, medications. lawyer junk, paperwork, pain, and feeling generally like hell lately. I feel like I have found a couple of places, beside my blog and Facebook pages to truly help others and bring more awareness to all, especially when it comes to our health care laws, Capitol Hill, Congress, and all that can involve. I have come face to face, and toe to toe, with my Federal Congressional Representative Barton, and some of his staff. I have also been trying to find contacts in the office of our Senators here in TX. Actually I am trying to get the attention of both our Federal and our State Legislatures!!

Wow, talk about an education to learn how the wheels (clogs), (clocks esp. cuckoo) ,the bureaucratic bunch of bull red tape, the bend over and kiss butts groups, and talk about really learning how the "cow chews the cud" - I have so seen with my own eyes thinking that I was "up" on the political scene. Well, I have definitely found I had more to learn when it came and will continue to come face to face with the entire ordeal, full circle of how MUCH politics effects EVERYTHING!!! From business, to taxes, from your home, to your safety, from flying to riding in a car, from makeup to your hair coloring, from the BC powder I take, to the prescriptions medications.

It just amazes me the older I get, the more I know, and the more I have to learn about. There is never a day that goes by, that this old dog' seems to learn a few new tricks! I believe that is a portion of your "legacy" of having chronic illnesses, especially Autoimmune Illnesses. You are just given over a brand new educative process... because if you wait to let our "health care nation" educate you, more than likely you will NEVER understand a damned thing that is wrong with you, physically, mentally, emotionally... and within your world. Our "world" in the autoimmune "bu-si-ness", it a totally realm of birth right that has light and dark at the same time shining and blacking out our psyche. If you EVER ARRIVE at that MOMENT you "get it"... you can bet within 24 hours, all you figured out will be shot down, and went to hell in a hand basket, if it has a thing to do with AI diseases, syndromes, illnesses.... have you ever wondered what the difference it is between an "illness", a "syndrome" and a "disease"? I have given thought to it, but up until this minute I guess never decided it was a huge enough ordeal to look it up. But, since I am sitting on that "needle" the proverbial one in the hay stack... I am headed to "google" the differences. I will post them below, before I go on with my blog post.

All of these did come out of a "medical dictionary online"---
 Definition of ILLNESS: an unhealthy condition of body or mind : sickness  
 Definition of DISEASE : an impairment of the normal state of the living animal or plant body or one of its parts that interrupts or modifies the performance of the vital functions, is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms, and is a response to environmental factors (as malnutrition, industrial hazards, or climate), to specific infective agents (as worms, bacteria, or viruses), to inherent defects of the organism (as genetic anomalies), or to combinations of these factors : sickness, illness—called also morbus
 Definition of SICKNESS
1: the condition of being ill : ill health
2: a specific disease 
 Definition of SYNDROME : a group of signs and symptoms that occur together and characterize a particular abnormality 
 Definition of PHENOMENON (or Phenomena) as in Raynaud's Phenomena
1: an observable fact or event
2:  a : an object or aspect known through the senses rather than by thought or intuition b : a fact or event of scientific interest susceptible of scientific description and explanation ....
I really do not feel looking up those even in the medical dictionary helped much. They still all come out to the meaning of the odd... but when I have more time, I know there has to be an in depth reason for calling something a "syndrome", rather than a "disease"... or they would just have called EVERYTHING one word... illness, disease, sickness, syndrome, phenomena,  ...


Anyway, I got all off my own thoughts, walked away from the computer and decided to take a long, warm shower. It has cooled off here today and been on of those dreary days of a typical Fall. No sun, all cloudy and our temps have dropped down, and feels like we have had 2 early mornings, at the 57 degree range... Just plain cool first thing in the morning!! And as ALL know or most, BONES and JOINTS that have arthritic issues, or those that have autoimmune illnesses, this time of the year is not our best. Many of us go into almost a "hibernation" mode... We cringe at the thought of the "cold" weather coming in, and the grey days tend to bring on a depressive way of thinking... As we know seasonal depression is always around in the Fall and Winter... and then we have the pressures (if we let them) of the holidays, family, friends, parties, cooking, cleaning and all of that bologna ... as much as we all love family, holidays, friends, and the beauty of the Christmas decorations, trees, all of the sparkling lights... none of that really makes a difference if your body feels like heck... then your holiday spirit feels down in the dumps too.

Around here for me, it has seemingly turned to either feast or famine. I am either running around trying to get everything taken care of, and wondering how I will deal with it all... to the place I am "looking" for stuff to keep be busy. Oh, it is not like I don't have plenty to do, because I can assure you, just right here in the house alone, I have some major projects staring me right in the face.. I really have wanted to redo my entire kitchen, including putting a new counter top on. I was going to just pick one out that is already "pre-made". I noticed they sell them like that at Lowe's.... and it would be perfect for me. I would not have be to concerned about how the heck to do it... it should be more or less pre-pieced for me, and the edges and so forth there to purchase to put the finishing touches on it, I would LOVE to be able to get a TOTAL KITCHEN MAKEOVER!!! New Cabinets at the the doors and hardware, sand all down, brand new handles and pulls... the floor that I've wanted and to repaint it the two blues I've picked out. Then we still have the bathroom that needs the walls completely finished as far as the texture, and even though the lights are up, nothing has been wired in... so the bathfan and all of that I will have to have someone come and help me with that part. I just don't think Jim will ever be able to get back up into the attic again to connect everything. We have it practically finished but that most important part of making sure all is wired in properly, and not going to short out etc... I am not that sure of myself. I've put in water heaters, hung and wired ceiling fans, and done quite a bit of DIY stuff over the years, but between being "eaten alive" by RA, Lupus, Osteo etc... the idea of climbing into the attic and trying to do that sounds like something I should get an expert to do.

Now as far as painting, redoing our music room... getting rid of junk etc... all of those things I will do slowly, and could manage most of it myself... laying the carpet, and then the floor in the kitchen will probably mean getting someone also to help out.

At the time we bought the house, we put a great deal of money in it redoing it. The house was a definite fixer upper, so we redone hardwood floors, completely redid the bathroom even making it twice as big, painted everything inside and out, every room with our "wainscott" look that I am so thrilled with even today. We had to buy all new appliances, had to redo the entire water, sewer, and redo the electrical wiring. The house was in need of so much... and we did manage to do many of the things we planned. As "frugal" as I was though, money ran out before we got through.  

I realize this is "NOT" a typical Autoimmune post full of what all is going on physically, mentally and emotionally in regard to illnesses...

But, I also needed to kind of update everyone about where things stand for myself ...

My plans, and one of those IS to WRITE my BOOK!!!! I've been giving some serious thought to exactly what I want to write; along with how I want to do it. I am keeping the title that Jim came up with, because I believe it will fit when all is done..

I got a bit pissed this week. A guy who also wrote a book of poetry, about 80 poems,  had an "author's reading" and signing at our library!!! Well, everyone made a huge ordeal out of it, even in our daily newspaper.

YET, when I wrote BOTH books... I had to almost beg to get an article in the paper, and I donated copies to our library... and not one soul ever mentioned me reading them, or doing a signing... and MY TWO BOOKS contain about 3 or 4 times the amount in his...

So, I am NOT going to allow that to happen again. My plans are to MAKE SURE I do a reading and signing of my next one... and I hope to have a "full house" at the library as he did....

Sometimes this world is truly NOT fair....

Okay I close for now with I hope you have reflected today on what World Arthritis Day means to you.... and that if you got to go to events etc... that you did so full of joy and meaning... 

Keep watching because they will never get rid of me! :)

Rhia 10-12-2014
 






Thursday, October 9, 2014

More Incredible News on the Homefront of the Fight Against Lupus

http://uthscsa.edu/hscnews/singleformat2.asp?newID=4908





$1.12 million to fine-tune the body’s “Homeland Security”

Posted on Wednesday, October 08, 2014
Contact: Elizabeth Allen, CTRC, 210-450-2020; allenea@uthscsa.edu

Physician searches for better lupus therapy and clues to ovarian cancer treatment at the same time....


Saturday, October 4, 2014

Rheumatoid Arthritis Study - Volunteers Needed - See if you Qualify from this post and the IFAA will get the donation!

Do YOU qualify for this study? If you do, and are willing to give a little time for a phone interview, you can raise $100 for IFAA!

All money raised from this study will be used towards wellness education and patient-centered/patient-led research in 2015.

Do you qualify? Will you help? PLEASE SHARE via social media to find qualified participants.

Additional qualifying criteria is:

You must have been on the Cimzia, Humira or Remicade for less than one year before discontinuing.

You must have moderate or severe RA (as opposed to mild)

You cannot be a nurse, doctor, or research professional.

This will be one confidential and anonymous phone call with one moderator that will be scheduled at your convenience.

Is this you? If so, PLEASE EMAIL DOUG ASAP at dlowell@sampleczar.com!

Thursday, October 2, 2014

WAAD 2014 (World Autoimmune ARthritis Day) October 12th!!!!


MARK YOUR CALENDARS! Be sure to get the word out about World Arthritis Day 2014! We need to get everyone on board when it comes to these horrendous diseases. I have read and told about 4 or 5 "new" ideas on Lupus, RA, Sjogren's, and other autoimmune illnesses (arthritic and regular autoimmune)... and I am delving into a very interesting one that I talked with all of all people, a friend and my doggie's doctor just yesterday. I mentioned it in my post from early this morning. Once I have enough information on the situation, I will certainly post some links, probably on my blog and then I will make sure a link is here also. Some of us maybe "ill" from something our physicians nor us may have ever given thought to.... and the idea that my "vet" may have the answers to so many unanswered questions on my health problems, would be just awesome to me... you never know until you dig around, ask questions, and delve into sometimes what seems like may not make sense... with AI illnesses NOTHING makes sense... Stay tuned!!!!!





Did you know that October 12th is World Arthritis Day? On World Arthritis Day, people with rheumatic and musculoskeletal disorders from around the world join together to make their voices heard. You can be involved! Learn more about World Arthritis Day and its hosts, Eular - European League Against Rheumatism, here: http://www.worldarthritisday.org!

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Talk About News to Make You Shout! You must read this and be sure to go to all of the links!!!!


I was so blown over by this announcement from the Lupus Research Foundation I had to rub my eyes, blink and look again to make sure I saw what I saw Correctly!!! This is such phenomenal news I was just taken aback.

And further not only do we owe the NIH hats off to this incredible research opportunity, but everyone below along with all of the researchers individually, those folks that are on board for activism, Ambassadorship, Volunteers... everyone who tries their very best to stand up and say that what we have now as far as help for these illnesses are simply NOT acceptable, as the Arthritis Foundation puts it. Hats off to all that have been and will go back to the "Hill" in D.C. to open up and tell their stories, or the stories of those loved ones hit by the horrific illnesses. People like myself that try their best to live a "normal" life when there is never any sense of "normal" when you have a chronic illness/pain and especially when it comes to an autoimmune type of illness. I am so thrilled to put this on my blog and share it with my readers!!!! Be sure you go to ALL of the links and see what is being said about this incredible Undertaking... the FIRST EVER of ITS KIND to do something to stomp Lupus and RA, along with many other AI Illnesses into the ground.... Again I am just totally almost speechless.

AMP Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus:

The partners

http://www.arthritis.org/
Government

  • NIH
Industry

  • AbbVie
  • Bristol-Myers Squibb
  • Merck
  • Pfizer
  • Sanofi
  • Takeda
Non-Profit Organizations

  • Arthritis Foundation
  • Foundation for the NIH
  • Lupus Foundation of America
  • Lupus Research Institute/Alliance for Lupus Research
  • Rheumatology Research Foundation


http://www.niams.nih.gov/News_and_Events/Press_Releases/2014/9_24.asp

 

 

 

http://www.rheumatology.org/ 

 

 

I will be posting more about this tomorrow and also more "Kudo's" to everyone participating om this historic event for RA and Lupus!!!

Two Days of Insanity....

As just about anyone knows who follows my Facebook and blog site, you know about the accident that happened on March 26th 2014, to my husband Jim. Most of you knew I was in Washington D.C. at the time with the Arthritic Foundation, for the Annual Summit on Capitol Hill. It was my very first time to be in DC, as well as my first time to get the opportunity to voice my own personal struggles, along with all of our struggles, involving autoimmune illness, medications, lack of doctors, especially Pediatric Rheumatologists, and so forth. There has not been nearly enough done about these illnesses, ranging from not enough doctors, not enough research, not enough knowledge to those who have the illnesses or know someone that does, whether family, caretaker, friend and so on.

I felt my voice there and since then has been integral in helping to move forward and fight against illnesses such as RA, Lupus, Sjogren's, MS, FM, CFS, and the gamut of Autoimmune illnesses that we do not even realize exist. A new factor for me this year had been that I have "pernicious anemia", which is an autoimmune illness. Rather than being "anemic" my body does not absorb enough out of my food, and keep it going in my body as it should, thus I take B-12 supplements, which by the way, it is the B-12 it effects as far as the autoimmune part of this. Of course I am on a HUGE daily dose of Folic Acid" which is B-6, due to one of the medications I take. It depletes the body's Folic Acid, so I must supplement it daily with about 400 Times the amount a normal person would need. I found out that much of my horrible sores, thrush, and mouth ulcers were caused from a lack of Folic Acid. Once I began using it daily, at a high dose (it is water soluble so you can't get "too much") my mouth is not nearly as bad about having all types of sores, ulcers, sore throats, thrush and so on as I had before.

I had not given much thought that due to the "nature" of what all has transpired that I would not be able to "voice" the everyday thoughts I feel surrounding what all happened, has happened, and what may or may not happen over the next year. In a way, that makes me very sad. The very one outlet I have to things in life, from illness, to children, to Mom, marriage, and my own frustrations with illness, I always knew I could come here and "talk" about what was happening and not at the time had to "censor" what I spoke about when it came to life. Yet, now I feel this heavy burden, although never was my fault, and I never gave any idea to it, I am may not speak about all of what is happening as the time over the next few months go by, So, if I avoid that subject it is certainly not because it is forgotten, or it is not still a huge everyday part of my life, but because life is as it is, I have to "alter" my own voice, as far as my posts, and not speak, unless it is in a very general sense of what happened. Most everyone that comes to my blog, for the most part are people that are close to me, enough that they already know the ongoing saga from March 26th, 2014. So, there is really not a "need" for me to tell others, but more of a need for me to be able to "release" my ongoing revelations about that being what it seems life as it is right now evolves around. You tend to get up when the "rooster" crows with the thoughts of it spewing out of your brain, and then all day long it seems every thing, every where, all that you do is a reminder of the nightmare of having something so horrible happen in your life. Each time I close my eyes, that is a last thought, and each morning I awake with it as a first thought, and all through the days you tend to live out in thought of it. Then while you sleep the PTSD hits, and it can also happen during waking hours. All of you who have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder know exactly what I mean... you spend your days trying to knock it off your shoulders and in the night, you try to take it out of your dreams, so you can at least have some peace during your sleep. Good Luck. Many people and I have even had the thoughts that "things" would be better as time goes by. Memories fade, time helps to heal the damage physically, mentally and emotionally. I can tell you that this... time has NOT erased, nor has it made it any better. If anything, each passing day the building up of being totally in damnation by all that is occurring around you, only grows larger, nothing fades. From the very 1st phone call, till the last piece of daily mail, to the questions, and I mean just daily questions, how are you, how are you getting by, how are things??? Questions, that sometimes I wished I could just say things SUCK! Things are worse, no better... life has lost its luster filled wonder, my dismay of voice, of writing, of being so caught up in something that I did NOT even have anything to do with, is running rampantly through my life and through my very veins, like the blood my heart pumps with every beat. You DON'T heal, not that quickly... you DON'T stop feeling guilty over something YOU DID NOT DO! You don't find a quick fix... there is none... so I plunge myself into trying to write, I plunge myself when I feel like it, trying to throw out all of the stuff in this house that are reminders of what life used to be like. I DON'T want to even remember a "good" or bad moment... I don't want to have to fear the past, present, or the future. I am sick and tired, of hearing, feeling, and being sick and tired. I am sick of bitching, griping, moaning, groaning and crying. I am sick of listening to others try to tell me it will work out, it will get better, because right now nothing seems better, everything seems out of sorts, out of whack, and I have lost all patience with those who think they can "fix" it for me. There is NO FIXING what is permanently broken.
My mouth and teeth for example. Let's get on that band wagon and have a talk about those. Of course not one dentist could fully assure me that my mouth would be better when all of my teeth that Sjƶgren's destroyed, when pulled out and dentures put in would be 100% better. I knew that. I am far from a moron, or from a dreamer. My "dreamer" stage left me a long time ago, after my job, and my life almost fell apart in Seattle. He threw enough sand in my eyes, and did enough damage to my heart, that I no longer am the "dreamer" I had been. I truly feel that is why the poetry I used to be able to write, sometimes 7 or 8 daily, don't come anymore. When Steve, did what he did, after bringing me over 3,000 miles away from my "home" and family, with promises that I would have a wonderful life in Seattle, to only shoot all of those good feelings down within a year or a little over after me getting settled in, with his cheating, lying deceitfulness... dreaming ... as far as being a dreamer, left. That is when a "new voice" emerged and my writing became totally different. It will never be as it was when I was that creature of wonderment, of discovery, of believing people truly cared.... he literally took his hand, reached in and pulled all of that from my heart, and threw it into the Sound at Seattle... for there is where all of those wonderment of feeling lie... in the Sound of Seattle... I can still at times feel the winds blowing across as I looked at the beautiful city, when I walked daily on Alki, loving each day there, and breathing new life, wanting and knowing a new glory would emerge.


I don't want to sound like I am that unhappy being here around my Mom, kids, and Grand Kids... and I am not putting down our lives, or feel "cheated" in some way as far as why we are here, and why we will probably continue to be right here, probably in the same house till Gabriel's horns blow. Yet, "cheated" from living life as I felt we would I can say is a terrible disappointment. Kind of like FINALLY after years and years... of not being able to say I was a "published author".... I got that opportunity... not only once but TWICE I can say I have two published books, and even have a "check" from the seller for two of them that actually sold! I am so tickled about it, I am not going to "cash" it, but frame it and put it on my wall by my computer and desk. Even though it is a mere little over 6.00, it still means that it is priceless to me. It gave me a tiny glimmer of "normal" and that a minute bit of my "hope" and Faith could actually coming back to me. Which is far from where I've been in the past 8 months or so. I had given up on normal forever, and as far as the glimmer of hope and faith; believe me it has been fading fast in the background of all that has taken place since 2005 and actually a bit before then.

As I had titled this post "Two Days of Insanity"... there were reasons for the title. I thought about "re-titling" the post, but whatever it is "called" will not change the meaning of the post in itself. I have been trying to squeeze in lots of my own personal advocacy and activist work, over the months, but between being gone to so many different appointments, taking care of all that needs to be done here at home daily. from taking out the trash to running to the market, it seems my time either is gone, or the energy that I did have in my "spoons" for the day are used up.

That should "stick" with me more than it does. When others ask me how I am doing, feeling, whether they mean illness wise, emotional wise, from autoimmune illnesses, to his issues with spinal cord injury, I really should say well I began this day with 8 spoons, getting showered and dressed took at least 2, maybe 3. By the time I had coupons ready, a list done, and ads matched up there flew out at least one at the very, very least. THEN I am looking at having at the most 5 spoons left. Well, by the time I run errands, get through the market, which here seems to be a nightmare any day of the week, or have to go and do something at Mom's,or it is laundry day, or I have to find and fix something for dinner, if I had already used up the left overs.... so I can contest, by then there are OVER 5 spoons used up, and my day is not over yet. 

I still have dishes to do, right now we are fighting "sugar ants", which I was raised here in TX, so here we called them "piss ants". Don't ask me why, but I always gathered it was because they were so extremely tiny... they will sniff out one crumb, and within an hour invade an entire bowl of dog food, if you are not watching. I decided to try something "harmless" to the dogs... so I read putting back soda around their bowls would stop the ants. They won't go into the baking soda. So, guess what? Both dog food bowls have baking soda surrounding them. Knowing my "Chi_Weenie".

Then I also read ants hate tea bags, like after you brew your tea, let the bag air dry and put it in the corner of a shelf where you have stuff it won't hurt and where you have seen ants. Hell I even bought the "good" any bait traps, and I am still finding ants in stupid places. I guess they are either hungry or thirsty. But, dammit I am sick of trying to keep from spraying Raid and getting the heck rid of them. Even though about a week ago, I bought "Raid" for ants mainly with a get this "Lemon scent". I hope the hell someone does not think it is furniture polish!!! And I sprayed it on a rag, and wiped down the splash boards window sills, everywhere and everything I could without getting it around food or anything else. And even after doing that, wiping, vacuuming, and spraying where I could. Plus I leave nothing "open". Anything from chips to bread, goes in the fridge. If it is something that possibly will attract an ant it goes in plastic or glass containers with lids on them. So, that the hellish little devils you would think would move on. I am NOT a fan of any kind of "bug".... from a spider, mosquito, I don't care what it is, if it is "creature" of any kind, it does NOT belong in my house. So, I am a real stickler for spraying the yard, all around the outside perimeter of the house, and then I keep the roach baits and ant baits out and update those about every 6 months. The ONE thing I cannot get rid of and that I despise so badly is those little freaky looking "newt" lizard looking things. They just make my skin crawl. Oddly enough all my life here in TX, before I went to Seattle in October of 2001, I had NEVER seen a "newt" or whatever at any of my homes... never... no kind of lizard thing. I had a mouse once, and actually had a possum climb up our pipe that came into the house to the water heater... and she actually took her scared butt down, got by the steps of our front porch and stayed there for weeks with babies clinging to her. It was weird. But no damned things like that. So, the first time I saw one in our home we live in now, I had no clue what the heck it was. Weird almost a pink iridecent looking thing that ran fast, looked like some kind of strange lizard, and I was hell bent to rid my house of those little bastards (excuse my French)... so here I go online to find out what to do to get rid of the damned things. We had gotten just about rid of the few mice in the attic, at the time they put that insulation down that is kind of like shredded looking newspaper. Other than that an occasional water bug, which won't last long here. or a spider that I also despise, thus I just knew I would find something to rid my house of those things. They certainly were not the cute little "GEIGO" Gecko... and even if they were I don't want them in my house....

Well, guess what ladies and gents! It is almost impossible to get rid of them. Undoubtably they are not effected by bug sprays, roach baits, spraying the outside all the way around the house, including the porches, and those damned things are just not subject to any of the poisons or baits. Well, I figured out they "hide" in the grooves of the siding and the frames of the windows and doors. They also hide behind out two front porch lights. Plus I would bet they are in the insulation of our walls. So, everything I read said leave them alone, they eat bugs and are harmless. They maybe harmless but they sure as hell don't look or move as if they harmless. They creep me out just about more than anything other than a snake.

Anyway, how I ever got off on that tangent I am not sure other than the one thing that came to mind, is one of our "storm windows" on the  kitchen window has just "popped loose" and was hanging there by a couple of screws. I almost fainted! If that sucker falls out and breaks we are in deep crap. They are not cheap, and we still need to buy all the ones that go over the windows in our music room. There are I believe there are 5 of those at about $80.00 plus a piece, because they are made to specifically fit the windows. We were going to get the man who put up all of the rest of them to get us those for a bit cheaper rate, and then he would put them up  ... of course something else always comes up thus we did not have the money or time now and again to finish them.. and they need to be done... those old windows back there do not even have any of the push pins and the stuff you put around the windows to seal the glass in.... the glaze is just about out of all of them, then we had hail knock a hole in one while Jim was in the hospital, so I have it all put together with cardboard and lots of duct tape... 9,999 uses for duct tape, a wire coat hanger, and WD-40!  

More later.... got to get dressed to take my Mom to shop...

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Annual WEGO Health Activist Awards Time Again



Yes, that is right! Time has flown by and it is now your chance to begin "advocating" for your favorite "advocate", volunteer, blog, Facebook page, and more! See the link and begin your nominations! I wish luck to all this year for nominations and wins!!

Friday, September 19, 2014

Post of the "The Face of Pain" - FOR NATIONAL PAIN AWARENESS MONTH!




When I see thee numbers is just astounds me. It is just like the autoimmune illnesses that for many destroy our lives. The chronic pain and the AI's tend to run hand in hand. Most with an AI, do also have chronic pain. So, pain is always there somewhere, lying wait for another victim. Please help and do something to change the "Face of Pain".....