Once again as the holidays grow near, I find myself struggling for what
the true meaning of being Thankful is, what pure love is, and dealing
with more heartache than I at times knew possible. I began my Annual
Christmas Letter yesterday. I've made it a tradition now for many years
to write a letter about life during that year, and share it with the few
people, family etc that I send cards to. I always feel it makes even
those far away feel "closer" to myself, and family. Yet, I had word this
afternoon, a dear friend of mine,
sent me a message, and a spouse of 18 years or so, left. I am not sure
of the details, but much like my own situation, not sure of the
reasoning behind walking out the door. No truthful explanation,
nothing... just walk out and let the door slam... I feel a deep sadness
this evening, for my friend, and another friend of mine that also had
the same thing happen last year during the holidays. Her husband of 20
plus years, did the same thing, just walked out the door and left... and
again, under circumstances of dealing with really severe health
problems, and when she needed him the most, he walked out.
When I
took my vows in Vegas 10 years ago, and I wrote them myself, I meant
every word I said... and for years and years, ever since we had moved
into this house and made it "our home" mine, and his he wrote to me,
along with our marriage certificate were framed and right here at my
desk, plus the bouquet I carried hangs above them. They served as a
reminder for me, that I had promised, forever, to grow old together,
that we "paralleled one another and then met as one, just like two stars
combining and intertwining and I would never allow anything of "life"
to break us apart. I almost could say that entire vow, for years... and
then, it totally was just "words on paper", "words spoke", mine from the
heart I vowed, and I do not give up easily. But, whatever "happened"...
I have had to "guess"... was it me, what all did I do to make him walk
out the door? We had a few arguments, and both of us would of course in
"defense mode" would come out with some terrible and say it to one
another. But mine was truly just defending my own self, and not meant in
truth. Yet, it was taken that way. But, still, I thought well, it was
my surgeries and being chronically ill... not so... I was ALREADY
CHRONICALLY ILL AND DEALING WITH CHRONIC PAIN WHEN WE MET! He knew
before we moved back to TX, he knew before he proposed... In fact, I had
filed for my complete disability about 6 months after we met one
another... so "my health issues" although in 2007 through some of 2009
meant lots of surgery... yet, I did not expect to be down for "months"
and was usually up and around ASAP... I did not want to be a "burden"...
No different than the accident he was in, March 2014... the
26th day of that month totally changed our lives, in so many, many
ways... and even before he came out of the hospital, I told him, we
would together find a "new
normal"... and he always talked about us growing old together. and
sitting on a porch swing talking and laughing and always being
together... Yet, here I sit alone, with Bub's... and he is thousands of
miles away, states away... and till yet, I still don't know from him
directly WHY? But, I have had to try and put one foot in front of the
other, and find another new chaotic abnormal life for me. My Mom really
got mad at me, then was in awe that I hung the ceiling fan MYSELF! She
knew how badly I was hurting afterward, yet she told me today, she could
never be as strong as me, or as intelligent as me, and that as the
years pass, I amaze her at all I know, and do, in spite of how badly I
hurt every day, and the illnesses try their best to take me down, and I
won't let them... I refuse to give into the pain, or Lupus, RA,
Sjogren's.. and now I have began to have horrible, terrible headaches
again... I fear the migraines maybe back... and they had been gone for
years... all but the ones with a Lupus flare... When I told her I put
the new "insides" in my kitchen faucet today, she looked at me once
again and said, "I would not even know what to do, what I needed or
where to get it"... and I just said "Mom, I have lived all my life
HAVING TO learn to do things myself.I never had the luxury of getting
someone to put up a ceiling fan, or fix my lawnmower, or stop a dripping
faucet, or paint the house, and the list goes on and on... change a
flat, I just got through charging the battery on her car... and again,
she could not believe I knew just what to do.... again, necessity makes
you learn to do many things.... Yet, in all of that, I find sadness in
the coming weeks. I am trying to get a new fur-kid for Christmas... and
the woman that needs to come by for a house visit, will come next
Monday...so I hope and pray that everything she sees is fine, and that
Bub's gets along with a pup she is bringing... he always got along with
Tazzer's, and with other pups at the Vet, etc... so I think he will be
thrilled, I hope, and not jealous... He has became extremely protective
of me, since Tazz passed away, and James no longer here... as far as
people around me, he is not thrilled at all... So, I may have people
judging me, I am trying to find things I can do, while I hopefully still
can do them, that I enjoyed for so many years. In fact, I even "banged"
on my drums for a bit today! Bless Bub's heart and the neighbors
ears....HAHA... but that is why my Xmas present early to myself, the
western boots and jeans... I want to go to the new place that opened
here and see if I can find a couple of people my age that I can become
friends with... and
I joined the church for the same reasons... plus the
new pup will give new "life" to my home... yet, my home is in desperate
need of so much work.. and since the suit money fell through, (I was
going to put whatever bit I may have gotten into fixing my home up)... I
still need it painted outside, and some rotten boards off the bottom
fixed, I desperately need a new roof, and the floors laid in the
kitchen, bath, and laundry room.
... plus I have new carpet for the music and spare bedroom, but it
needs painting first, and ALL of the windows are in terrible shape. I am
trying to get around to repairing them with the push pins and glazing,
but it takes time and those windows are so brittle, I still have one
completely cracked in the back, thank goodness it can't be seen, but it
could fall out at any time, and then another one in that same room
someone put "caulk" in a crack in it, so it needs to be replaced... then
about a month ago... I think something happened but not sure what, I
found a crack in one of my bedroom windows too.... I need a new fence
all around my back yard, but I have a couple of dead trees in the fence
line that need to be cut down... I have done some of it myself... and I
am just going to put "hog wire" fencing or something inexpensive up...
but again all of it takes time and money. Plus there are some things
like laying the flooring, finishing the bathroom lights and fan...
putting up the wall boards in my laundry room and so forth, that I can't
do by myself... physically some of it I know I cannot do... I can't get
in the attic to wire the lights and bath fan... I just would not feel
easy doing that big of a job... and I can paint, but in some places
outside my home is much taller than I would at my age, and especially
with all of my neck, back, and osteoporosis issues, I would not chance
falling...
I still face surgery for the new pain pump and I really
need the lower back surgery. After this past couple of weeks, I realize I
need that repaired too, or it is going to just get worse... and I am
still dealing with the "wounds" from the abscesses and that is another
thing, I have to drive by myself again up there and deal with that
alone... it sucks... not that I can't but it still sucks... so I turn UP
the radio and sing every song on the Radio as I drive... and block out
the memories that still "haunt me"... kind of like the Brooks and Dunn
song... one of their early ones... the Kix sang... Love may "die" but it
"never leaves"... it is like "shackles and chains in a ghost like way,
when it comes to loves memories... so true... and again it brings me
back to what I want on my grave stone... "Here lies a girl who got
everything she wanted, and who could ask for more.. Than to be Living in
A Moment... You would die for... Ty Herndon was kind of a one hit
wonder I think, but his song hit me strong years ago, and never forget
those words... "to be living in a moment, loving every minute, living in
a moment, you would die for".....
Thus the Lyrics...
Living in A Moment...
Well the world just lost two lonely people
The world just lost two broken hearts
The odds were against it but baby here we are
In our own little place in our own little corner
This old cold world just got a little warmer
For the rest of my life I'm gonna hold you in my arms
And when they carve my stone all they'll need to write on it
Is 'Once lived a man who got all he ever wanted'
Tell me something, who could ask for more?
Than to be living in a moment you would die for
If you never get rich on what money can buy
It don't matter to me, I'll tell you why
I've got it all when I'm holding you this way
I'll live to love you, I'd die to keep you
Safe inside these arms that need you
I'll be loving you with the very last breath I take
And when they carve my stone all they'll need to write on it
Is 'Once lived a man who got all he ever wanted'
Tell me something, who could ask for more?
Than to be living in a moment you would die for
Ashes to ashes
Dust into dust
I'll lay beside you
Forever in love
And when they carve my stone all they'll need to write on it
Is 'Once lived a man who got all he ever wanted'
Tell me something, who could ask for more?
Than to be living in a moment, loving every minute
Tell me something, who could ask for more?
Than to be living in a moment you would die for
Living in a moment you would die for
Oh baby, I'm living in a moment I would die for
Oh, living in a moment I would die for