Trying to put words to "feelings" - A New Chapter of my Life, yet like "writer's block" I am having "Life block"

All too often any of us as author's, writer's, bloggers, and so forth can develop usually suddenly, what many refer to as "writer's block"...

I've been through those "challenging" time on several occasions myself... like my "voice, or we sometimes refer to as "Muse" is just not happening...

For days, perhaps weeks now, I've had a challenge even larger than any writer's dilemma. I find myself with I guess you could call "Life Block"... I cannot find where "I should be", "where I belong", what to do with myself, so I spend my days rambling around, painting the house #2, and knowing that house #1 needs lots of work also... Life in itself feels "surreal"... not realistic, like I've missed that last train into my next chapter... now I am lost, in between a "breath's space", and at times I am not sure I even know who I am... or what my next step should be....

I had heard several times about "dementia" and at 1sst they said "brain exercises" were helpful. Then about a year or two ago, they came out and said "exercising the brain" with reading, puzzles, games and so forth, does not "harm not help" Then on the evening news it was brought up after extensive research that exercising the brain, like any muscle does tend to keep you "fit" mentally... that you are less likely somewhat to develop a type of dementia... I always thought that way anyway... I watched my own Mom. do NOTHING, no hobbies, did not like to get out and window shop, never belonged to any of the groups around town, or even helped out as a "Room Mother" when I was young... till the day she passed away, June 9th, 2016, she COULD NOT PUT GAS in her own car!

As many times as I tried to get her interested in one thing or the other, she just was this type of person, that all in life like that was either "frivolous" or a waste of time and money... or she just was not "smart enough", educated enough to "get it"... whether it be a new microwave, or reading a book....

ANOTHER RED WASP STING! Feeling LOUSY, Antibiotics and some of their horrible side effects, "Smart Beat", Life and more

I swear I just walk out my back door, in just around my yard and get freaking STUNG AGAIN BY ONE OF THOSE RED WASPS!!!!! Every time I step out either door, and this morning I walked through my gate and one came from nowhere , in fact I guess flew up from the grass and got me... I never even SEEN IT! This time on my left knee, and of curse it swelled up immediately! It's already the size of a silver dollar almost! This time I can't "see" anything in it, so I am not sure if there is a stinger or not. I've sprayed and knocked down every nest I can find.

 But, I KNOW there has to be one or two HIDDEN from sight, because they are seemingly in just a couple of places in my yard when they tend to be like this. Hell, just before this one stung me, out of the blue, one came directly towards me in the front lawn and I just began to back up slowly... and I don't know where he went but I avoided that one, only to walk around to my back yard and one get me...as I said I never even seen it coming! They are THE MOST AGGRESSIVE IN TX I've ever seen them this year. I mean I've been stung usually by yellow jackets, if you get near a nest, or are around close by, but never have I had this happen. My daughter said they are really bad, especially yellow jackets down around Corpus where they live. He oldest son got stung over the weekend by a yellow jacket... I have still not felt very well, and I am having a very difficult time "getting over" what ever the hell is wrong with me...

 I seem to wake up every morning with a sick feeling stomach, and I am just so weak, it just wears me out to even walk through the market for a few things. I still have a bad headache off and on, and my lower back tends to hurt one side, then the other.... I just generated feel "lousy".... for the lack of a better term... now my knee is killing me, and I have to be very concerned about infection... if I get infection "in that artificial joint" they would have to possibly remove it all, and then put a new one in.... dammit... plus I found out I was wrong, the antibiotic they gave me for the kidney infection is one that gives me a horrible time with antibiotic induced diarrhea, and I sure as HELL don't WANT NOR NEED THAT!!!! Talk about one horrid thing to happen to you... anyone that has had this before knows exactly what I am talking about... it is terrible... worse than many other things you can be ill with....

I did finally get a bit of painting done for a while yesterday and managed to make it through the market for just a few things, but then I was totally wiped out yesterday afternoon/evening. It took every ounce of strength I had left (about 1/2 spoon for your spoonies) to get myself in the shower and take a shower. I am supposed to go out to my PCP's office this morning and do fasting blood work for the "Smart Beat" thing they are doing... where everyone that has had or has close family that has had heart problems, High BP, cholesterol high,diabetes, they do an extensive work up even giving you tests on your lungs, and echocardiogram, and EKG, Doppler on your carotids, and the main one down in you abdomen, and several other tests, if you have not had any of them at all, or have not had them fairly recently with your Cardiologist... then they take that, with fasting blood work, and do an analysis about how "well" you are in the categories of your lungs, heart, arteries, glucose levels, and so forth and it is totally of no cost to the patient. They did not do a couple of the tests on me simply because my Cardiologist had already done them within the last 6 months or so. So, that is my story and drama for this morning and I am sticking to it.... and I am sure some of you think,

 "Here's a Quarter call someone who cares".... LOL!!!! ;) Rhia


Oh yes, and I did finally get my car washed yesterday, plus I finally made it to the cemetery yesterday. This was my 1st time there since Mom's funeral. I just needed to get to the "resolve" that when I did go, it would not just be Dad, I was talking with, but Mom there as well now. I have to say it was a "strange feeling".... but I got silk flowers put in her vase, and it almost appears as if I "matched" them to Dad's but I didn't on purpose... anyway, the monument is just covered in sand.

 I only had my little hand broom, so I have to go back out and take my larger broom so I can sweep off the monument (head stone) and get all of the sand off of it. Due to them putting sand on it once the casket was in, and the wind has been blowing like heck here daily it is just more covered than I've ever seen it. And it is way too pretty to allow it to look like that...

 Last photo of Mom before she got really ill. This was taken last Thanksgiving November 2015

Always Something With ME Now a KIDNEY INFECTION AND PROBABLY STILL A SEVERE LUPUS FLARE!

I am DOG SICK from "something"... I was fine, then last night about 10PM I began to have one of those "cold sweat" spells... and I even had to change my clothes I was so soaking wet... but I laid down, got still and woke up about 4AM, and I knew I had to be fixing to have fever... every joint and muscle in my body was so severely in pain, I was almost screaming it hurt so bad. I checked my temp and that the time it was okay, but withing a half hour, I knew it was going up...so it went to 99.5, then to 100.5 and then 101.5 and I had already had 4 Tylenol, plus my other meds. 

This Pain" usually feels almost as if I am going to stiff so stiff, and almost like a "seizure", but I've never had one... but I know when I have that type of pain, I will have fairly high fever... I had NO CLUE why... I was fine, painted yesterday and was fine until last night...so I am dammit on the sofa, drinking green tea, and covered up with my blanket... it sucks. I have some antibiotics left from the wasp sting, so I decided to take those to see if I may have some type of infection... 

I have a "small bit" of a cough, and had a tiny bit of cough meds in the fridge, so I took that early and I am not coughing anymore.... this just is pissing me off! I have SO MUCH to do.,. and my floor buffer came in yesterday, so I need to learn how to use it, and I don't even feel like reading anything.... anyway, last time this happened I was sick for a day, and then the next day was fine.... go figure... so if I am still not well tomorrow, or my temp won't stay down, I will do over to Urgent Care to make sure I don't have pneumonia, or something going on.... the SEVERE body pain is what is the worst...

Well even though I DID NOT want to! : I went to Urgent Care this morning. It seems I have a bad kidney infection. rather than pneumonia or something upper lung issues etc... which I think I may have a combination of still a really, really, kicking my butt Lupus Flare... so that explains a great deal.... 

SO here we are AGAIN on ANTIBIOTICS! I HATE to take them, BUT I have no choice if I want to get well and get on with my life.... this sucks

Then to make things ever feel worse  :

 
I needed a shower before I went ANYWHERE! BUT, (and it was all I could do to take a shower) YET AM SO OUT OF IT, after I WALKED IN AND BEGAN TO I realized I FORGOT MY DENTURES!!!!! I NEVER walk OUT OF THIS house to GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT THOSE! I WAS SOOOOOOOOOO EMBARRASSED!!!!I've never pulled that kind of stunt before... I am still embarrassed......

YEAH!!! A bit "different type of post" Guess I just "needed this" right now!

I was SO PROUD & I THANK MY DAUGHTER AMANDA FOR THE SUGGESTION! I thought I would NEVER be Able to put on a swim suit, much less a 2 piece again…. not after the pain pump, all the surgeries, scars and so forth… I used to love the 2 or 3 I had and wore the tops all the time with my shorts in the Summer mowing… but alas, due to age, and illnesses, and multiple  surgeries, I had thrown those away finally… but she had mentioned the other day these kind! And sure enough I ordered this one from Beall’s and to just came in… I so NEEDED something to feel “good about” especially myself right now… after all that has happened even from the past couple of years, until these past months and all that went on with my Mom, I needed “something” to give me a smile and restore some kind of faith in “me” again… so as silly as that sounds, here are some pics… LOL… I look like “hell” because my hair and no makeup… I had been painting all morning… etc… so for now just the “bottom” part and when I am “cleaned up” with my hair correct and makeup on, I will make more… So, again I thank my dear daughter for the suggestion… NO it is NOT a bikini… but it is so much more than that for me right now….

Texas - And Violence too Close for Comfort just up the road, and an Officer from a Neighboring Town

It seems that no matter where we turn there is little peace on this Earth anymore. We continue to see more violence, more rage, more terrorism, whether from afar or from "home grown" people that sometimes I feel "give up" on the faith of humanity. I realize that ALL of us have a place in us that can "get to the place we have had more than we can take"... I've been there as far as illness, chronic pain, and then watching my own Mom pass away of something horrible that took her within just a few short months... actually weeks honestly. Yet, somewhere we MUST reach DEEPER within ourselves, and FARTHER into our own faith to know, that violence and harm to others is NOT the answer, it just makes things worse for everyone.... it's hard to fathom that "humans" can take the lives of other "humans" yet it is all around us, from small towns like mine to huge towns like Dallas and all over this nation and the world. Answers? None of us have really have "answers" other than trying to "hold onto" what we feel is right from wrong, and what we have been promised by our own "Higherpower"... Lord bless and look down upon all of those families, friends, and co-workers that have lost so much... this will impact many, many right here in our own community, as well as others.... May they find some "peace and understanding" through the wake of such horrific violence.