Life Ongoing and Fleeting, Memories of a Time that seems like a blink of an Eye ago, dealing with AI's, Lupus, RA, Friends or lack of them, & All we are thrown daily to contend with....

WOW! I bet a few of you are saying! It has been a long while since I posted so early. I used to be up by 5AM, and that all changed several months back. I began to stay up much later than I did, thus I find myself not getting up before the dawn appears. I am honestly not looking forward to cold weather. It at one time was almost my favorite time of year, especially around the 2-3 weeks of February. Not due to my birthday BUT that is when we always planned and went on our annual snow skiing trip... it happened to fall right around my birthday, and WOW, I planned for that all year long... before we even finished getting home good from one trip, I was already setting up a "Christmas fund" at the bank where I used to work, and that money was always for the trip & Christmas also. I watched the weather all the way up to that last moment, just thrilled to be going back to Wolf Creek Pass, and Pagosa Springs CO... and also Santa Fe NM... Some of my most incredible memories are wrapped around that time in my life and I would give anything to be able to go again... I am not so sure about the skiing anymore even though I would love to try once more... but that was long before knee replacements shoulder replacements, cervical neck surgery and autoimmune illnesses.... so it would also mean in order to snow ski, back to walking that 5 miles a day I did for the entire year before we went.... and even at that, it still wore me out to ski especially if we skied 4 days rather than 3... I did have several video's of us, we took a camera and taped us a couple of years, and right now I am not even sure where those are... since then with all of the moving etc... they have been placed gosh knows where, but I still can replay each moment in my mind... my favorite part which was like a half open pipe, the sides way high up so when I skied, I went up one side, down into the "pipe" and back up the other... everyone knew if I was difficult to find that was where I would be LOL....then there was the time, and I had a pair of NEON GREEN snow pants/snow suit - and it was a pretty sunny day and I had been headed through some trees, and as I made one last little jump, one of my skies decided to stay behind, so here I was sliding through the trees on my stomach flat and just laughing... some guy and his wife were behind me and saw it, and he yelled at me "Looks good from behind here"! OMG - His wife hit him.... LOL! another one of those "moments" that get etched in our minds, and something that I will never forget... like the outdoor hot tub and it snowing on you when your were in it, and the indoor pool we ran and got in as soon as we got out of the hot tub... and the place we ate breakfast each morning, where the Elk came came a hill on the other side of the road and we watched them each morning, or the Mexican Food place we ate at when we got back from skiing - and they would fix me a "hot toddy" because I would always come in with a sore throat... LOL!!!! and how Pagosa Spings (which was like "Hot Springs Arkansas) due to the hot springs there the entire town smelled like rotten eggs.... LOL... you just got used to it after a day or so... and it did not matter because.... I WAS SNOW SKIING! I could sit here and almost write a novelette about my experiences going skiing for many years there during my 30's I believe.... and why that came to mind this morning, I am not sure, maybe the Winter/Fall chill in the air, or the fact, that rather than think about ALL I need to get done, I would much rather think of just how incredible those years were for myself, friends and my kids even went a couple of times... that was when Amanda my daughter was probably about 8 or so and the first time I sent her for "lessons"... she came walking down the hill with one ski in her hand... and I thought she was hurt... no, but the tree she ran into was bruised and her ski broken! LOL! She decided she did not need lessons, so off she went on the "bunny slope" herself, ran into a tree and busted the boot off of her ski first rattle out of the box! Thank goodness they were rented and insured so we got a new one right away! :) Those years have come and gone, but the memories made will remain brightly lit in my mind forever.... (or I hope they will).... Lately, life has been nothing more than one big ball of knotted, tied up, strung out, a mess of a ball of thread... it seems everywhere I turn there is something I need to do, somewhere I need to be, or an errand to run, medication to pick up, and now I have to all a plumber today... I thought I had remedied my problem but I have not, thus now I plumber has to be called and I don't look forward to that... it does not take long for a bill to get large when you have to call in a professional... in all of my undertakings, as FINALLY I FIXED A LAMP that my Mom had and it quit working. It is a pretty lamp, nothing wrong but I knew the "socket" had gone bad in it... well I bought the kit, with even a new cord in it, just so I would make sure ALL was new... it took me about 5 days in all to figure it out, and even though it was not difficult, in my head I had a portion that I was seeing to be more difficult than it was... so on Friday, it dawned on me what I was doing wrong, and sure enough, I got it all together and working! So, my DIY skills can work still, sometimes it just takes longer than it used to... same way with anything now days... I find myself yesterday in need of needing to sweep well (Swiffer), then "Wet Swiffer" my hardwood floors and mop my kitchen... and then I needed to vacuum, dust, etc... BUT, it took me so long to just get the hardwood floors done, in between all of the other "little" things I had to do, that by the time I was ready to vacuum, it was already after 4PM, I had told Mom I would drop by an lite her heater again, so I had to stop, decide to vacuum "tomorrow" so today, and then I wondered why it took me so long to do those floors??? I used to have been able to clean the bathroom, do all of that vacuuming, dusting, mopping the hardwood flooring, and so on, and still have plenty of time... but not anymore... for one, my energy is not what it used to be... I am much slower about things now... I had not been to church in 2 Sundays to do being sick, so I wanted to make sure I went yesterday. So, even though I knew I would come home to "chores" I got dressed and went to church first...yet by the time I ran home, changed clothes, went and picked up a couple of things from 2 stores, got home, and done that cleaning, it was already 4PM! By the time I got over to Mom's, lit her heater, visited for a bit, and got home it was already almost 5:30 and I had no clue what I wanted to have for dinner... and Bub's was looking at me like, "Hey, you have to feed us!" LOL!!! I almost settled for PBJ Sandwich, but I had some leftovers I managed to warm up and add a bit to, so he and I had a good dinner.... I guess he did he was not really even wanting dessert later in the evening when we watched a movie! Now, once again it is Monday - another ONE OF THOSE! I am sure that sounds silly for someone who is disabled, and does not have to "leave home" for work any more... but you know, I still have as much if NOT MORE to do now, and a lot less energy to deal with it all... so "Monday" is also one of those "Mondays" for myself also... it is trash day, and the beginning of usually errands, doctors, meds, running, phone calls and "stuff" to take care of... and that is exactly right... I have a list on a smaller yellow pad BUT it is 2 PAGES long! So, just because I am no longer "employed" outside of the house, I still have a ton of stuff to take care of... I need to have some of my meds refilled, and call to schedule an appt for my Mom at one of her doctors, and take Bub's to the Vet in the next couple of days, he needs his rabies shot and his back toenails cut which I DREAD! Neither of my dogs liked their feet touched... and he actually "nipped" at the Vet's assistant last time I had him in, so that means I have to "muzzle" him and I hate that!!! Thus of course his nails are way too long and no matter how I try he will not let me cut them... I have tried every thing in my power to get him to let me cut his nails, but him and Tazzy hated their feet messed with... ONE THING I WILL do differently with a new pup.... CUT THEIR NAILS RIGHT OFF MYSELF... and avoid having to take them in, have to muzzle one, like Bub's, and it saves a great deal of time and heart ache for me, because I just hate having to put that thing on him....and I even tried at home at one time to muzzle him, but he is so strong with his front paws, that he can pull it off, if I don't have anyone to help hold his feet down while I do muzzle him... so to the Vet we go, and I know she will faint, because most women would envy how long my dogs nails got and get... it is just nuts... but since they are in the house, they don't wear them down like outside dogs do....


I've been in such a tangled mess with my life in the past several months... I feel as if I am NEVER "caught up" - I always feel like I am 5 steps behind what I need to be doing, I am so slow at everything... I even had my hair cut all off short, so I don't have to take time with it because I feel as if I can spend that time doing something else other than messing with my hair...but the sad thing is I bought color for it gosh, 3 or 4 weeks ago I guess, and I STILL HAVE NOT found the time to color it! Something else always seems to take priority or by the time I may find a moment to do it, I am too tired to fool with it, so here it sits on my desk, as a reminder of one of the MANY things that need to be done....

As I stopped a moment to make out a Birthday Card for My Granddaughter, Heather, who will be 18 on the 30th of this month, again memories flood my heart, she met me when she was only 2 years old, and "Nana Pam" now is what her and both of her brothers call me. I've been able to "watch" them grow up through here, Facebook, - my daughter has been so great about posting all of their vacations, school functions, prom, homecoming, football season, Heather being a cheerleader, in volleyball, their vacations, the boys and all of the excursions they go on with their Dad and their Mom, my daughter Amanda, and again, how time has flown by so quickly just makes me wonder how life can go by within the beat of a heart, within a breaths space.. it seems I just met her - a tiny little thing, and here she is all grown up about to be 18 and off to college! My how life can truly rush by... at times I am sad because I am far enough away that I have not been there physically to witness all of their triumphs, but as I said my daughter blesses me with so many photo's of all of their special times that I feel like a piece of me is always there - watching as they grow into young guys and soon Heather a young woman off to college to follow her own dreams.

I often "feel" for our kids now days. This world has truly changed so much, and in many ways, NOT GOOD! There is so much more rivalry, rather than chivalry out there now... where there used to be goodness and gratefulness, has been moved to being greedy and just down right hateful and mean.... people are "bitter" about so many things, and of course in some ways, they have the right to be bitter. When you stop a moment, and think of all the horror daily not just in other countries but right here on our own soil, in our schools, colleges, Malls, everywhere there are "people" there seems to be a "person" which is is difficult to call someone a "person" when they want to do harm to other innocent people... but it is all around us... NONE of us "immune" from that fact.

Yet, there are still "good people" those who are kind and generous. They do for others, and not because they have to, but because they "want to".... I have a dear friend who is really going through a very tough time .... she is fighting the big "C" word, after having it back a first time while we were basically still in High School - and then here it is 30 plus years later, and again she is battling it... trying to work, never has a bad thing to say about anyone else, an is always so very grateful for those around her that do all they can to help, out of the kindness of their hearts, not because they "have to", but because they "want to"....

And I partially because most of my family is gone, My Dad and all of his siblings, parents and so forth passed away, and even some of his cousins and so on also gone. I was basically an only child, and have a "half brother" but he was at least 15 years plus older than me, went into the Air Force and spent 20 years much of it overseas in England. He retired from the service years ago and then they settled in North Richland Hills in the Dallas area and he was working for one of the big helicopter flight simulator places I believe. So, my Mom's parents have both passed away, she has lost both siblings, an older brother and his wife, and lately her younger sister to cancer... so when it comes to "family" especially close family, I really only have Mom and my two kids and of course my daughter's family. Even at that they are hours and hours away, and my son, also at least an hour or so away, with a job of his own, and life to also deal with.

So, last week when it came time to try and "adopt" a pup I did not realize the entire realm of red tape involved. It has been years since the last time I actually adopted a cat or dog... my last two, Tazz was a Christmas present and we bought her in Seattle, and Bub's I also bought him when he was just a puppy.... so when I get this email wanted ALL of this stuff and THREE references - asking ALL about my home, yard, how I was with my past animals etc... I was like I don't have that many people that are here close enough to give me 3 of them... but Jim was gracious enough to fill one out and my Mom helped me out, and hopefully with those, and everything I've told them, along with Vet records from my current one, whom is just a sweetheart and I am so happy she is back in town also... we went to school together... and then my other Vet that took care of them for years before Venetia Shafer at BlueBonnet Vet Clinic came back... I am hoping that is enough .... I've been racking my brain to think of someone else... of course my daughter could help out or my son, but they are so busy, taking to time fill out a long form for them is difficult... with kids, jobs, home and so on, I can't believe they keep up with everything as it is....

I guess that is the one thing I hope "joining the Methodist Church" would help me with... now that it is just myself and Bub's... I have Mom, but really no one that is a "close friend"... and a couple of people "close to me" but not like we do things together etc... so I was hoping by getting involved back in Church, and hoping to find some other things to participate in, I would find some "friends"... and we all know with the autoimmune illnesses, the Lupus, RA and so forth... my life "daily schedule" varies from one moment to the next... depending on how I feel, or how Mom is doing...

I also realized that if it were not for my Mom, I have no one to "assist" me with anything, say this plumbing issue... or anything like that... I don't "know" enough people well enough in town, even though I have been here for all my life for the most part, I guess due to my "life when married" I kept myself more at home, almost locked away, busy with those things, I did not get out in the community to meet others... and here I am 55 years old... and unlike a couple of my friends, or like my neighbor, they have "friends" that are helping them building a two car HUGE GARAGE that is as big as my home! I "Lack" that type of support system... I am "new" to the church, been going now for about 3 months, but sick some of that time... I have not gotten out and about to meetings, or even to the Saturday Farmer's Market and so forth, so I must find the "funds" to pay for my plumber, or have work that is so in need on my home, or any and everything that comes up, there is not anyone I can have that could help out... and you know, that frightens me honestly... of course I have my Mom... and my daughter and son, but they are as I said hours away, and have their own jobs, lives, and so on... so I am upset with myself... that I have allowed myself to stay "almost too alone" to have any kind of support system... my neighbors have "helped" some, but I have been quite honestly upset with one in particular... he used to always be here asking if we needed anything... when Jim was here, he constantly was mowing the lawn, and I usually paid him, even when he said he did not want it... but I knew they needed the money at that time... and my other neighbors have a very ill Mom they take care of and another one is up in age, and she needs help herself... so it gets to this spot in life, that you begin to think, what would I do if I needed this, that or the other... I can guarantee my Social Security Check pays the bills barely, and that is all... in fact I am very upset with my car insurance, it seems every time they bill me, that bill is higher, even though my car is older... and now I must spend Lord knows how much time trying to find a "new" and hopefully better Medicare Advantage Plan... the one I chose for this year has sucked more than I can say, and they are someone I would NEVER ever recommend to anyone! I am extremely disappointed in AARP for even "sponsoring them" - they have done some really horrible things this year to their patients, and I am just mad as hell honestly, because now I must spend days trying to find another plan that will cover ALL of my doctors, my medications and that is a hard thing to do now days... our doctors are all shy of even Medicare and a supplement these days... they DO NOT get paid for months and sometimes a year or more, thus they are leery.... Well, I need to get busy on other stuff as you can see, but I wanted to take time to first tell those who do help THANK YOU! Whether a kind word, or support of my advocacy etc.... I appreciate all of you.... and to let you know there are many things right now in my own life that are frightening.... I am going through a great deal of emotional distress... and "losing" a relationship after 13 years and then losing Tazzy after 3 years, have really put me in a place of even more distress.... there are other things playing into this but, I shall stay quiet for now about those.... but to all, remember the great memories and hold them close... remember time is fleeting, and before you know it, you are in your mid 50's and wonder what the heck you really have done in this life.... and to hold on to whom and what is dear to you.... Rhia
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