Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts

Monday, September 14, 2020

How do you DEAL with ALL happening? COVID,FLU on its way,possible West Nile,Lupus,RA,Pseudo-gout,Chronic Pain, & now a "Death" of an Ex-Husband

 How do you DEAL with ALL happening? COVID,FLU on its way,possible West Nile,Lupus,RA,Pseudo-gout,Chronic Pain, & now a "Death" of an Ex-Husband... and the List goes on and on, Severe Anemia...  & WHAT IS NEXT?

and where do I begin? After over 290 "handwritten" pages about COVID-19 & the entire ordeal.. still there are many more typed, put on Facebook, on my Blog, in my blog, my head, & daily they come to me, at night they haunt me... Do I feel "guilt", pain, suffering, shame, am I supposed to be pissed off? Or am I supposed to "feel Sorry...  should I tell the story, or do I stay quiet? Do I try and get hold people & let them know. Or do I just allow it to play out as it is?

After so many years of supposedly him thinking we were the perfect "match" he suddenly "packs" what little he has and was trying to LEAVE BEFORE my Mom and I got home from an overnight trip! To this moment, as well as all others NO ONE KNOWS why he just "left"? 10 years of marriage, 13 years together... none of it made any sense... And I KEPT QUIET for WAY too long on the really horrible things he did and said, to anyone.

Here I was, chronically ill, with Lupus, RA, Sjogren's, osteoporosis, then Pseudogout & other issues turning my fingers "crooked" over one another. I was the bone that took care of it all, Although he "led" others to believe, even his own Mom, that HE DID everything! Bull!!! He barely cooked a meal every once in a while. from laundry, to groceries to cleaning, he did none of that..

So in 2016 when he just ups' and leaves that was bad enough. But, to NEVER come out with the truth... then in 2020 only 10 days or so before his 60th birthday... he disappears... has even the law, out looking for him...b & they find him "deceased" in some stranger's apartment..or as far as his good friends from that area knew, he knew no one where he was found. But, "Meth" & many of you know my own night terror with someone close on Meth... he was a coward, chicken, & has no love for his family, what is left of it, nor his "Step-Mom" whom he had considered his Mom all his life. And the few friends, that some had no clue about one another...  they are trying to get toxicology reports, and I suppose there could be an autopsy done. Since he was found without a bill fold, without his cell phone at 1st, he had no car, he had wrecked it a couple of weeks before... So, the "only" people that were close enough were out of town on vacation.. they did not find out till days after coming home. The law I guess finally found his cell phone to be able to try & find someone who knew for sure who it was.

I shall close this right now & give more as I find out, if I ever do...I feel for the few friends he had.. they will be totally in shock.

UPDATE December 23,2020

I spoke with my "ex-Mother In-Law" (she really will always be my Mother In Law, and a sweet lady, called me yesterday. I found out that although they never really found ALL of the DETAILS SHE WAS TOLD BY THE LAW ENFORCEMENT that Jim was found out in the country (lots of beautiful country side to drive through in WA State and admire) by himself, with on other evidence (I don't think they did an autopsy) that he had a massive Heart Attack. That was the reason I believe they ruled his death. It does not sound "right" to me... not like him to just drive off, and not take his daughter on an afternoon drive and not really tell her anything. Yet, I shall unless something else comes up, leave it at that hid died of a massive "MI". 

Lord knows, I DROVE MYSELF 20 MILES to the hospital in 2001 (I was 40 yrs old) to the hearest hospital, and even walked into the Emergency Room, about the time, I was much worse.. they immediately got a wheelchair, and into the main trauma room there. As they hooked me to machines, gave me an aspirin, and asked me who was with me, and I said "no one". I drove myself from home in Rice TX which is just about 20 miles from the hospital. If I had waited the doctor told me for an ambulance, or to get someone there to take me I would have not made it. That for one in his life he can say even though he would never suggest it, I was right to do what I did in order to live.

They gave me the injection of the "clot buster and it literally stops a heart attack from being worse if given in time. But he was putting me in Cardiac ICU until I was table then sending me to the Main Heart Hospital in Dallas. NEVEr EVER do I WANT TO RIDE IN AN AMBULANCE AGAIN! I believe in all that was my 3rd ride in one and it is a horrible experience, especially if you are very inured or in pain. 

As they say "Its like riding in an iron wheel wagon", it is so rough, bumpy and you are slipping and sliding, and everything back there is. But, I was fortunate to have great EMT's all 3 times that kept me calm on those rides.

So, as it went I did make it to the hospital in "mid-massive MI" BUT just in time for the medication to STOP most of the muscle damage to my heart. Knowing that, and knowing that I wanted to live badly enough, that I took the chance of driving on the Highway with blinkers on, and very slowly just in case I felt like I may pass out. Of course NOT a police officer in site when I really needed one. But.  made it, things were not nearly as bad as they had 1st expected.. and it must be that it was my time to STAY HERE... I still had "work to do here on Earth first"

Knowing that, and knowing he may have known something was wrong, I believe he did not want her to try and save him (his daughter). I feel he "knew" and was almost like going ahead to "leave Earth" because he just could not handle anything else. ad, sad, sad, for everyone, but especially his daughter that he had came in contact with like 30 years after not seeing her. 

So, I just pray she gets the help she needs to get herself back together and live on to know they had some time together.

Thursday, July 6, 2017


I am so INFURIATED at the NEWS as well as the CDC, government, and THOSE WHO SO STRONGLY OPPOSE ANYONE NEEDING PRESCRIPTION PAIN MEDICATIONS, that I HAD to get up and turn the channel a bit ago!!! I had turned my computer off earlier in the day due to severe "dry lightening and thunderstorms" BUT AFTER DINNER, I came to turn it back on and state my MIND ABOUT THIS BULL!!! I would LOVE to take ANY ONE of the people from the CDC, from the GOVERNMENT, FROM JUST PLAIN OLD OFF THE STREET folks, AND ALLOW THEM TO HAVE ALL OF MY OWN PAIN, PLUS MANY others PAIN for just ONE WEEK, WITHOUT MEDICATIONS!!!! I don't care how much you "punish" those who need the meds, and there is NOTHING ELSE that helps, THEY WILL FIND SOME WAY, SOME HOW TO GET "HIGH"... whether it is ALCOHOL, OFF THE STREET DRUGS, THAT LORD KNOWS WHAT IS IN THEM, INCLUDING HEROIN, Or anything else they can "use" to get what "WE" the NEED THE MEDS DO NOT GET AND THAT IS SOME KIND OF "HIGH" from them! Other than when I was in my teens and early 20's for sure, AND I COULD NOT GET RELIEF FROM ALMOST 2 OR 3 TIMES A WEEK SEVERE MIGRAINES, that SENT ME TO THE ER MORE TIMES THAN I CARE TO COUNT, and AT THAT TIME, for a while, I felt "something" that was kind of like giving someone an "I don't give a damned" drink, or medication that they may not take very often then YES, you may feel that "high" for a few moments, BUT those LIKE MYSELF, WHO HAVE MULTIPLE ILLNESSES, THAT CAUSE DAILY SOMETIMES SO SEVERE PAIN, THAT MEDICATIONS EVEN DO NOT GET RID OF IT ALL, WE DON'T OR I SHALL SAY I DON'T HAVE A "HIGH" FROM IT! I would GLADLY throw away ALL OF MY MEDS, If somewhere there was a "MIRACULOUS" CURE FOR lupus, RA, DDD, DJD, OSTEOPOROSIS CAUSED BY PREDNISONE, WHICH IS A NECESSARY EVIL, NOT AN OPIOIDS, BUT CAUSES MORE DAMAGE WHICH LED TO MY HIP FRACTURE.... If I could take NSAIDS, or anything else to relieve my pain, I would do it in a "New York minute"... BUT you TAKE AWAY PAIN MEDICATIONS FROM LEGITIMATE PATIENTS, and you will see MORE ALCOHOLISM, THOSE THAT CANNOT WORK, CANNOT TAKE CARE OF THEIR FAMILIES, ARE IN THE ER, HOSPITAL, AND TAKING ILLICIT MEDS THAT LORD KNOWS WHAT THEY CONTAIN... You will see a DRAMATIC RISE IN SUICIDES,, those that LIKE MYSELF, WITH A HEART PROBLEM, IF I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN, WITHOUT MY MEDS, I WOULD PROBABLY NOT LIVE 6 MONTHS, THE REST OF MY BODY, INCLUDING MY HEART, would NOT be able to take the pain!!! It is a strain not just "where it hurts" but all over, and it effects you mind, the rest of your body and your soul, spirit and takes away all quality of life! One cannot raise their kids, work, or even there would be DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS SOME WOULD BE COMPLETELY BEDRIDDEN, without RELIEF!!!!! I am SO SICK of BEING PUT IN A STEW POT, AND MIXED IN WITH THOSE WHO "CHOOSE TO ABUSE".... NOT ALL OF US ARE "ADDICTS... I don't take ANY of my medications, NONE FOR SOME KIND OF "ESCAPE OR HIGH" OR WHATEVER those that abuse get... IN FACT, I've NEVER HAD ILLICIT MEDICATIONS, other than at about the age of 23, I smoked a "bit of weed" and I HATED THE FEELING IT GAVE ME, same way with DRINKING ALCOHOL, I don't like the way I feel or that "loss of control" it causes... of course many of us as younger crowds years ago, may have drank too much, or experimented with "not legal things" yet most of my generation did not even know about "illegal drugs" in high school. It was not something MANY OF US HEARD ABOUT OR ESPECIALLY HAD ANYWAY WE WERE AROUND THAT TYPE OF THING".... I fully intend, on when I "SETTLE DOWN" TO GIVE THE CDC, THE GOVERNMENT, BOTH STATE AND FEDERAL, and ANYONE ELSE, a "PIECE OF MY MIND" ABOUT this bull.... you take a couple of states, with doctors who are NOT real doctors, or have "backwards" folks that use everything else also WITH prescriptions, and they with or without those meds would either wind up in the ER overdosed, or would find a way to get what they want, off the internet. or cross borders, IF THEY CHOOSE THAT LIFE, THEN NOTHING ANY ONE ELSE DOES WILL STOP THEM! I AGREE with 'regulation" somewhat, but most CREDIBLE DOCTORS, will NOT cause "harm" to their patients! By any type of medication, etc.... so yes kick out the "bad seeds" but leave those who truly are chronically in daily pain (HELL they were even stating some "SEVERE CANCER PATIENTS" MAY NOT NEED PAIN MEDICATIONS! ... WELL, some may NOT, but I would 'ASSUME" many would never go through chemo, radiation, and continue to want to live if their disease brought them intense, severe, and daily pain!!!!! I am sorry if I OFFEND ANYONE" But I am really perturbed on this subject!

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Pain Awareness Month and Suicide Prevention Month - Do We think about just how badly chronic pain can be and for some, almost to the place of not being able to live with it....

This is so well put! WE, many of us, with chronic daily pain, the kind that without any treatment would leave you in bed, on the sofa, and without ANY quality of LIFE!!!!! Yet, those FEW who choose to "abuse" medications, cause a ridiculous amount of questioning, hoop jumping, "looks at us like we are "addicts" " and even many that all of a sudden can no longer GET their meds... as she put it... to HAVE A LIFE  ... we do not use meds to "escape" from living... that in itself was one of the best ways I've heard to speak about the people that abuse medications. But those that do cause harm by their own abuse, and making life almost unbearable for those that do everything correctly.... just to as I say, and the article says to have "life"... NO PAIN medication EVER completely takes pain away.... it makes us "able to deal" with the pain better, when it is "less" than unbearable. I have an implanted pain pump that my Pain Doctor implanted in 2010... and we have "tweaked" the medication in it over the years, if need be. But, I still have a script for "back up" pain... maybe I am having more pain than usual from a weather change, or from doing something in my daily life that may exaserbate the pain at times. Yet, nothing takes it away... it helps me deal with what is pain remains... it allows me energy to DO my errands chores, go out for a day to have a bit of "off time" and so on.... if it were NOT for my pain medications, I would almost be to a place that it would be "intractable"... more often than not... and in fact, due to a lower back lumbar/sacral problem, there have been at least two times in the last 3 years that it was like I have NO PAIN medication at all.... In fact I even went through and had a talk with my pain doctor. All I wanted to do it sit in the floor and cry, the pain was so horrid.... I went that way for weeks... and we found the problem... and now due to this abscess I am still not able t0 have surgery... but at times even with what I have, it can be to the point you wonder if you are not just going to go insane from the pain.  So, each time I see or hear about how many "abuse" medications and all they want to do to make it almost impossible for us to get our medications, it just infuriates me... for ONE DAY I would like to "hand over" my pain to some of those that think it is all "bull" and let them walk in my shoes for 24 hours... I wonder how they would feel, when they awake to stiff, swollen, throbbing hands, knuckles, feet, ankles, hips, pain down my leg, severe headache from Lupus... and see how long they could "tackle" the pain without any help from medications... If you gave them a week, I bet 95% or more of them would be begging for relief..... And I have had several people over the years ask me how I "cope"?  How do I get up and around with the pain and chronic illnesses, the fatigue, the swelling in my joints the stiffness, the pain that does not matter if you sit, stand, lay down... it is just there,... and by "faith" and "hope" and taking ALL of my medications as I am instructed, and trying to stay as active as possible... helps me to cope... my writing, my blog, being here on FB, my activism, advocacy, and my Ambassador roles... the AF, WEGO, Lupus Foundation, IFAA.... all of those and more, that give me the will to know I must FIGHT not just for myself, but for others out there just like myself or even worse.... Rhia Steele​



After reading this article I felt compelled to share it. This is one of the MANY complicated emotions when you are dealing with Chronic Daily Unrelenting Pain....

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Having A Life of Chronic Pain & Living It is no "Piece of Cake" - not even in the movie...

After watching the trailer of this movie, reading about it, hearing what Jennifer Aniston said about it in her own words, then to see that Ann Palmer the President and CEO of the Arthritis Foundation is not just endorsing the movie, she actually attended a "preliminary get together" about the film with Jennifer Aniston, Stacey Courtney, the stunt coordinator in the movie, that took place in LA, when the limited screening of the Film came out on Jan 6th. Aniston talked about things she prepared herself for in order to make the movie, which included gaining a bit of weight, not exercising and going without makeup in order to "get into" the character role. Stacey, that was like a mentor to Jennifer had also been in an accident that left her with chronic pain, so she was able to help the movie portray a great deal of the "real" life of those of us dealing with chronic illnesses, diseases, and chronic pain....

Here is the URL to the information about the movie, which is presented on the AF website:

I feel that this movie, will move many of us into tears... for "we" are going to know the all too familiar events that take place. I've heard she fits the part very well, and through herself into the character, by doing things or not doing things, that we also totally understand. Many of us find there is not enough energy or spoons, of whatever you use to talk about the amount of energy you have for any one given day... most of the time doing makeup and hair... get left off the days events because we know if we do some of that, the energy we need for other errands, doctors appointments, groceries... or going out with our friends and family. I am truly anxious to see this, and now after Ms. Palmer from the AF is also announcing it on the AF site, I found it even more intriguing.

I believe the public opening is officially around January 28th or so... I just hope it does portray a very detailed and accurate view to others, caretakers, family, friends, and even strangers as to why we truly in our everyday lives live with. You can explain and explain, yet at times unless that person is also not able to understand all of the rawness, the vunerable ways we all too often feel when the pain beats us down so much, that it is difficult to think about another day of feeling like you do. It seems EVEN WITH the PAIN PUMP, the "breakthrough pain medications", muscle relaxers and everything else we ingest, or do, from exercise, to aromatherapy... to going to the Chiropracter, to acupuncture... creams, salves, lotions, you name it to find some kind of relief from the moment to moment night mare of ongoing pain.