Thursday, September 26, 2013

Taking Care of Your "Own Business" First!

Lots on my mind this morning, from going to the Neurologist this afternoon, and wondering what I will find out from him, if anything. I have only seen this doctor one time. He seemed "thorough" and he does not like to run tests that have already been ran recently, thank goodness. I went to him when the double vision thing began. He thought at that time I had myasthenia gravis. But, I have developed new symptoms since seeing him, all of which seem to me to point more in the direction of MS as I said before. Then there is our class reunion coming up. I am trying to make up my mind whether to go or not. I know I will probably kick myself if I don't. I missed the last one because no one had my contact information. I am just self conscious about all of my surgeries, the illnesses and how they have changed me... so I am a bit feeling like I may not want to go due to those things. Then I still have Mom and some things to deal with. Nothing that is difficult, but just a few things that need to be done and I just need to make a list, and go do them. She also wanted to go to the Casino before the Winter weather sets in, and we truly need to go to Mesquite and see her sister that has the cancer. She is on oxygen constantly now, and I know we could get a call anytime, that she has passed away. I fear both Mom and I would feel badly if we don't get up there to see here before something happens... Last time we went to visit, we went early, stayed just a little while, then went onto the Casino. It worked out well for us... so that is what we might do this time also. I also have my own list of "home to-do's" ... things like cleaning out closets and dressings, getting our warmer clothes out where we can get to them, cleaning all of the rooms in the house, one by one, thoroughly from floor to ceiling... I did finally shampoo my rugs yesterday in the living room and office. OMG, I only got to go over them once, and I could not believe the filth that comes out of them. We have this "gray dust like matter" that settles everywhere here. It is like a very, very fine, almost powder, but it covers everything. I don't care how tightly you have your house sealed etc... that stuff is horrible. I am constantly dusting it off of everything, and before you clean it off one thing, it settles on something else... it is nerve racking for sure.  I need to work on my book, and my "voice" seems to not be with me right now... which sucks. I hope as the Fall sets in, I will find my voice again, and be able to write for the book. I also made what I call an "executive" decision a couple of days ago. I am definitely going to put myself as "number one" and try and work on me first! If I can't feel better, and more well, and be happier with my life, then I can't help anyone else, not the way I should. The only way I am going to truly feel better especially mentally is take care of me first. I always felt like that is so selfish and self righteous yet, if I don't then I feel I maybe either finding my health faltering worse, the chronic illnesses getting worse, the pain being worse, and I am going to feel more like a failure than ever. So, I am going to make a list of things that are just for "me". Whatever those are, I want to attain them big or small. Then I can be a wife, daughter, Mom etc. I know everyone has tried to "beat that into my head" but I am a natural "care taker". I always have been. It is my nature to help others, no matter what state my own life and health is in. So, I am going to have to learn to say no at times, and decide what is best for me. I find inspiration here quite often on FB from the friends and groups I have here. Sometimes it maybe just a post on a certain web site or article. Sometimes it is a post directly for me, that lifts me up. Other times it is me reading others FB's stories and so forth, that give me a way to look inward, from seeing others outward. I gain a great deal of my passion here at times, that helps me find things to write about, or to add to my book. So, I have all of that going also. I am also in a "bad" spot about this nation and our world. It is a dangerous hell hole, is what it is. Even right here, when a wife and Mom takes the lives of her 3 children, her husband, and then herself... within less than 10 miles from me... you know those types of things can lead to a "copy cat" from others that are depressed or already considering harming themselves or others. I realize she may have been severally abused by her husband, of which I can see getting to the place you cannot deal with it anymore, but to take your life and your kids lives... I truly wished everyone around her could have seen the problems and helped her get out... or wished she would have asked someone to help her. That is just one of the issues, there are so many. I am not sure about this Obama Care... some things sound good, but it has been "hacked" up so much, that many of the good things have been taken out and what we don't need left in... thanks to Congress and their "magic scissors" that they use often to cut up the "bills" that are "for the people".... and then glue them together to benefit their own needs. The business overseas in Africa, with the Mall incident, could happen in any Mall here at any moment. Everyone thinks oh I can't happen here, Oh YES it can! If they want to harm us, they will find a way to do it, and that's for sure. And with the entire Middle East in constant turmoil with their own country, and with other nations, that is where the "great" battle will take place. Just look at all the of "unrest" in every Middle Eastern Nation, and the unrest in Israel. All of that portion of the world are insane. And they like to reek havoc with any "Western" country, especially those that are "allies" of America. Face it, many of them hate us, and don't mind hurting us if they get the chance. Yet look at our own "inner" wars here... at Chicago, and all of the rage, hatred and violence. But there are many more cities across the nation that are doing the exact same thing... No matter where you turn, or what you see or hear, radio, newspaper, online news, magazines, Television, any of it, the news is usually bleak if not just sickening... I fear even watching it, for the reason of wondering when an attack on us will be right here on our own soil. These are just a few things that are swirling around in my mind... sometimes my mind expands, and other times it shrinks so badly that I barely know who I am!



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honestly what is so incredibly sad about this, is that I feel just about the time things kind of look "upward" in my life, I get kicked right in the teeth again... I don't know which way to turn or even what to say, not say, do, or not do. I can't think, I can't even put a sentence together it feels like... and then I began that all of that "movement" mess again last week. It began with a little bit of vertigo, and the next thing I know, I am "moving" again... I feel it when I close my eyes, and I guess it has to be the hardest thing to explain. Until I experienced here in about 2006, when it happened the very first time, we went to the ER, thinking a was having a stroke or seizures of some kind... they gave me an injection of Valium, calmed me down, and told me to see my doctor that week. Well, I was put on Valium, and then I take Meclazine daily and usually this stuff stays in check. I think all of the overwhelming amount of stress has just made it explode again. And there are things that have taken place just in the past week over and above any I have talked about that have just also added an extremely higher amount of stress than I need. It is just all nuts... I have been trying my hardest to even get to church on Sundays, and the last 3 Sundays, I get up feeling like someone ran over me twice... it makes it difficult to get up and get dressed. and then try and enjoy being a church when you are hurting, and dizzy, and just all of the symptoms that are going on with me now... Again I appreciate your concern.
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