Even though "here" is a good day... we are HAVING RAIN!!!!! and a good deal of it... we need it desperately... "I" am NOT having a good day at all... I feel "left out", and just everything is depressing to me... I feel like no one even "sees" me anymore. I guess that sounds a bit, ah, what is the word I am looking for... words seem to be difficult for me now days... I don't want to sound like I am "feeling" sorry for "me" or I am not wanting anyone else to feel sorry for me either. I just feel "left out" of life these days. Just when I thought things were maybe getting a bit better and maybe a little bit brighter here in my own personal space, I am hit with all kinds of doubts... I doubt my husband "wants" me anymore... I feel he will soon "move on" in his life... whatever that may be... and I am still to be "stuck" here in my own chronic illness and "less of a life" than I ever imagined just a few years ago... As he feels better, I feel worse... I am NOT who he married anymore... and if he left today, I wouldn't blame him... I am a boring, old, not very exciting person anymore... I just don't feel worth much these days to anyone....
I can't do this right now... I'll finish it later...
onto trying to explain my comment that began this earlier today. I have
just gotten to this spot that I do not understand how some people can
go through life, and even the most difficult things that are in life for
them, seem to be "easy" for them to get through. I say this now because
I will use "men" in general..... Actually my husband to be blunt.
There have been some event over the past few months, that I just knew he
would have a very hard time dealing with. I felt "we" would be in for
the long haul of getting over some of it, but we would, as always. Yet,
here he is, seeming like he is doing just fine with all of it. He is
going to a meeting every night, making friends, etc... playing his
guitar, writing songs, and "doing" what he wants to more in life...
which don't get me wrong I am happy that he is finally doing some of
that. BUT, for women it is totally different. Whether it is just about
cooking a meal, getting dressed up to go somewhere nice, buying
groceries, and having all of the lists, the coupons etc in order, or
whether we are ill, have horrible symptoms, and must go to twenty
doctors to still not know a damned thing, I can guarantee men in general
always come out SMELLING LIKE A DAMNED ROSE! They never "deal" with crap
the way we do as women. We have all of the "chronic illnesses and pain"
for the most part, now I know men do also, so I am not talking about
you guys, but then if they go to the store, they just go, they don't
worry about a list, coupons, or if they pay bills, they paid them, they
do not check for emails saying they are paid, they don't do all of the
"paperwork" involved, not like we do. We want to make sure things are
done correctly, and not that men don't, they want them done right, but
they do not WORRY over it! If there is something for dinner, whatever,
if not they will find something. For women, if we do not have a "dinner"
plan we feel guilty, even if we are sick, been busy all day, have had a
bad day, we feel it is out "duty" our "job" to make sure they are fed
properly... and that the house is clean as it should be and that they
have clean underwear and clothes.. And we are the ones that take down
curtains and launder them. We make sure the floors are mopped, the
toliet is scrubbed, the shower doors are squeaky clean... and come to
being sick... men seem to fly through that. Tests?? Okay have them
done... no worries, Probably nothing, and they do not worry about it...
usually they come home, with a quick script, and are up on their feet in
a day or two. Women??? Hell no, we go through months of tests, blood
work, every doctor in the county, hell in the state, and yet we are
STILL SICK... WE ARE DEPRESSED, WE GET FAT... guys don't worry about
"fat"... if they want to lose 10 pounds they just eat salads for a week,
or cut back for a few days and voila' weight gone! Not us, it takes 6
months to be able to get off 3 extra pounds, that we ate fat free yogurt
and still gained! Everything seems to come easy... You know if what
happened lately at my house, had been the "shoe" on the other foot... I
truly believe right now I would be hated, not trusted, and I think he
may have left me... there would have been no excuses, no apologies,
nothing... and even if I had "shown" changes, I think he would not have
stayed around... now I am NOT saying THIS IS WHAT HE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR
SURE!!! But, this is HOW I FEEL about all of it. Men can run over and
get a tattoo, get drunk, borrow money and no body questions their
actions, but allow a woman to go out and do anything the least bit
"shady" and we are forevermore cured as being horrible, dirty,
disgusting, and unforgiven... now I understand the term
Unforgiven"... yet we usually "forgive" them... they say I am sorry, 1
time, 5 times, whatever, and we "forgive" and guess what we usually
"forget" also... yet you think our men forgive and forget?? I can bet
they never "forget".... that is my feelings about it all... I feel right
now like I am totally "left out" of life... of our lives together, I
feel abandoned, and like I don't "fit in" his life anymore. I feel
disgusted even looking at myself in the mirror, so I am sure I must
disgust him, when he looks at me... he now has "new friends" and new
things suddenly to do... what do I do? The same shit I have done for
years... SIT ON MY ASS, WATCH TV AND KEEP THE DOGS COMPANY!!! I am just
in a spiral that I hate, WHY CAN'T I GET WELL LIKE HIM? WHY CAN'T I HAVE
FRIENDS AND A PLACE TO GO??? WHY!!!??? I WISHED I freaking knew the
answers... he is sick of me... I feel it... even though he does not say
it, I can feel it....
"Through my heart's work of writing, I share with you my complex journey a top the mountain, sliding down, crawling up, & living through the realms of Autoimmune Arthritic Illnesses. Taming "The Wolf" Thru each Day... One Step at a Time … Together We Are Learning to Survive. Please follow along, to New Beginnings - looking Thru the Window Pane of Pain in life where we shall find our journey leading us to - New Perspectives
Friday, September 20, 2013
When You Are A Woman and Over The Hill... or Ill! You are not "attractive anymore"
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