When You Are A Woman and Over The Hill... or Ill! You are not "attractive anymore"

Even though "here" is a good day... we are HAVING RAIN!!!!! and a good deal of it... we need it desperately... "I" am NOT having a good day at all... I feel "left out", and just everything is depressing to me... I feel like no one even "sees" me anymore. I guess that sounds a bit, ah, what is the word I am looking for... words seem to be difficult for me now days... I don't want to sound like I am "feeling" sorry for "me" or I am not wanting anyone else to feel sorry for me either. I just feel "left out" of life these days. Just when I thought things were maybe getting a bit better and maybe a little bit brighter here in my own personal space, I am hit with all kinds of doubts... I doubt my husband "wants" me anymore... I feel he will soon "move on" in his life... whatever that may be... and I am still to be "stuck" here in my own chronic illness and "less of a life" than I ever imagined just a few years ago... As he feels better, I feel worse... I am NOT who he married anymore... and if he left today, I wouldn't blame him... I am a boring, old, not very exciting person anymore... I just don't feel worth much these days to anyone....
I can't do this right now... I'll finish it later...


Okay, onto trying to explain my comment that began this earlier today. I have just gotten to this spot that I do not understand how some people can go through life, and even the most difficult things that are in life for them, seem to be "easy" for them to get through. I say this now because I will use "men" in general..... Actually my husband to be blunt. There have been some event over the past few months, that I just knew he would have a very hard time dealing with. I felt "we" would be in for the long haul of getting over some of it, but we would, as always. Yet, here he is, seeming like he is doing just fine with all of it. He is going to a meeting every night, making friends, etc... playing his guitar, writing songs, and "doing" what he wants to more in life... which don't get me wrong I am happy that he is finally doing some of that. BUT, for women it is totally different. Whether it is just about cooking a meal, getting dressed up to go somewhere nice, buying groceries, and having all of the lists, the coupons etc in order, or whether we are ill, have horrible symptoms, and must go to twenty doctors to still not know a damned thing, I can guarantee men in general always come out SMELLING LIKE A DAMNED ROSE! They never "deal" with crap the way we do as women. We have all of the "chronic illnesses and pain" for the most part, now I know men do also, so I am not talking about you guys, but then if they go to the store, they just go, they don't worry about a list, coupons, or if they pay bills, they paid them, they do not check for emails saying they are paid, they don't do all of the "paperwork" involved, not like we do. We want to make sure things are done correctly, and not that men don't, they want them done right, but they do not WORRY over it! If there is something for dinner, whatever, if not they will find something. For women, if we do not have a "dinner" plan we feel guilty, even if we are sick, been busy all day, have had a bad day, we feel it is out "duty" our "job" to make sure they are fed properly... and that the house is clean as it should be and that they have clean underwear and clothes.. And we are the ones that take down curtains and launder them. We make sure the floors are mopped, the toliet is scrubbed, the shower doors are squeaky clean... and come to being sick... men seem to fly through that. Tests?? Okay have them done... no worries, Probably nothing, and they do not worry about it... usually they come home, with a quick script, and are up on their feet in a day or two. Women??? Hell no, we go through months of tests, blood work, every doctor in the county, hell in the state, and yet we are STILL SICK... WE ARE DEPRESSED, WE GET FAT... guys don't worry about "fat"... if they want to lose 10 pounds they just eat salads for a week, or cut back for a few days and voila' weight gone! Not us, it takes 6 months to be able to get off 3 extra pounds, that we ate fat free yogurt and still gained! Everything seems to come easy... You know if what happened lately at my house, had been the "shoe" on the other foot... I truly believe right now I would be hated, not trusted, and I think he may have left me... there would have been no excuses, no apologies, nothing... and even if I had "shown" changes, I think he would not have stayed around... now I am NOT saying THIS IS WHAT HE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR SURE!!! But, this is HOW I FEEL about all of it. Men can run over and get a tattoo, get drunk, borrow money and no body questions their actions, but allow a woman to go out and do anything the least bit "shady" and we are forevermore cured as being horrible, dirty, disgusting, and unforgiven... now I understand the term
"The Unforgiven"... yet we usually "forgive" them... they say I am sorry, 1 time, 5 times, whatever, and we "forgive" and guess what we usually "forget" also... yet you think our men forgive and forget?? I can bet they never "forget".... that is my feelings about it all... I feel right now like I am totally "left out" of life... of our lives together, I feel abandoned, and like I don't "fit in" his life anymore. I feel disgusted even looking at myself in the mirror, so I am sure I must disgust him, when he looks at me... he now has "new friends" and new things suddenly to do... what do I do? The same shit I have done for years... SIT ON MY ASS, WATCH TV AND KEEP THE DOGS COMPANY!!! I am just in a spiral that I hate, WHY CAN'T I GET WELL LIKE HIM? WHY CAN'T I HAVE FRIENDS AND A PLACE TO GO??? WHY!!!??? I WISHED I freaking knew the answers... he is sick of me... I feel it... even though he does not say it, I can feel it....
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