Thursday, October 10, 2013

Like Me - "Untitled"

I wanted to complete this before I posted. But, since everything of mine that I write is never quite"completed" I am posting this first part now... and will add as the next couple of days go by...

Maybe that is an odd way to look at yourself, "Untitled". Yet, in the past three weeks or possibly more that is just how U have felt, as if I had no title, no purpose, no meaning, and no reasoning.

I've beckoned my "voice" to give me something to write about. I have called upon my Higherpower to bring me some kind of belonging, to give me an inner hope, a ray, a glimmer, of a reason to believe in anything good in this world. Or, moreover, my own world. I know... the first thing everyone thinks, "oh, she's depressed." Well, hell, "Oh" I already know that. I have been "depressed" off and on for years. Anyone who deals with a chronic illness or the issues of chronic pain are depressed. You just can't get around it. Chronic Illness/Pain, walk, hand in hand, and side by side, together. Chronic means just that... either when you are speaking of the illnesses, the pain, or the depression. There shall be days, moments, weeks, months, hell maybe even years that you "feel" depressed. Honestly, I would rather at the very least "feel" depressed, rather than feel "absolutely nothing at all." There is the good and bad to everything in life. It just seem as of late, not just my own drama, but out nations' drama, and our world's drama continue to escalate on a daily basis.

Things here lately for me, have been more frightening that the usual pieces of Lupus, RA, Sjogren's and the other several medical illnesses and issues I contend with. I began having "symptoms" OR "side effects" that just don' add up to being Lupus or any of the AI illnesses I have already been diagnosed with. These things that are happening are somewhat either very new to me, OR they are becoming much larger in their showing than what I've seen before.

For clarity, I have had a movement disorder for several years. It came upon me in about 2007, I believe. Maybe more like late 2006. It was less than a year after arriving in TX, because we were still in the apartment and not our home yet. I had this strange occurrence one Sunday morning out on our back patio, that first of all I heard the sounds of "a very loud radio or TV station". I knew it was not ours, so I thought it was a neighbors. But, the longer I listened, it just sounded "off", odd.. so I called my husband out and asked him if he heard it. He listened for a minute or more, and said that he heard nothing like that. He said all he heard was the outside fans from the central heat and air units, but nothing like a radio or TV. He went in, and I went on with whatever I was doing, and after a short time, I began to "feel" as if I was moving. I felt like either the "world" around me was moving, like a vertigo, OR more like I physically was rotating from my waist up in a circle. I was sitting down, so from where I was sitting all the way up, I was getting to this place of making larger and larger "circles". I got to noticing it had something to do with the "noise" of the air conditioner compressors. When they were on, I would circle... I could stop it, but within moments I would start up again.

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